Thread Drift

[Crankin]

I don't like the fact my mom missed seeing my kids grow up into wonderful adults. She was very close to them, despite the distance. I am glad they spent a lot of time together when they were very young, and we lived in AZ and my parents were in San Diego.
On the other hand, my mom has been gone for almost 20 years. She was way too young to die, but she had been sick for awhile, which kind of prepared me. Sometimes I think there's something wrong with me, in that I don't really "miss" her, in the way most people describe. We had a good relationship and she was a good parent. But, I've been on my own since age 17, with only 3 years living in the same town since then. When I think of my mom, it's always in a good way, like what she would think of a particular thing, or i can hear her laughing about something. It is exactly what she would have wanted; she would not have wanted crying and sadness. I do find myself missing my phone conversations with my dad, who died in September, despite the fact we had never been that close. On a good note, his death has brought me closer with my brother, and I talk to him pretty often now.

[OakLeaf]

Hugs to all of you.

[Pax]

I don't like the fact my mom missed seeing my kids grow up into wonderful adults. She was very close to them, despite the distance. I am glad they spent a lot of time together when they were very young, and we lived in AZ and my parents were in San Diego.
On the other hand, my mom has been gone for almost 20 years. She was way too young to die, but she had been sick for awhile, which kind of prepared me. Sometimes I think there's something wrong with me, in that I don't really "miss" her, in the way most people describe. We had a good relationship and she was a good parent. But, I've been on my own since age 17, with only 3 years living in the same town since then. When I think of my mom, it's always in a good way, like what she would think of a particular thing, or i can hear her laughing about something. It is exactly what she would have wanted; she would not have wanted crying and sadness. I do find myself missing my phone conversations with my dad, who died in September, despite the fact we had never been that close. On a good note, his death has brought me closer with my brother, and I talk to him pretty often now.

I feel the same way about my dad as you do your mom, they had lived in FL for twenty years and I only saw him a couple of times a year, we talked on the phone and had a wonderful relationship but I don't exactly "miss" him since he wasn't part of my day to day life. The difference with mom is that she was omnipresent after we moved her home when dad died. I think that makes missing her more real for me.

[SheFly]

I totally feel for all of you. I am approaching the 6th anniversary of losing my younger brother, and I miss him every day. Also coming up on three years since I lost my grandma, who was a major influence in my life. There are lots of days when the ache is pretty deep - often for seemingly no reason at all. I am lucky to still have both my parents.

Hugs to all of you.

SheFly

[salsabike]

Oh SheFly, that's a tough one about your younger brother.

My parents were supercool folks--smart, wise, funny, active, delightful. A year or two ago, I posted this picture of them on FB, and the number of friends and family from around the country who say, "Oh, I LOVED your parents so much!" was just a delight to see. I was lucky to have them as my parents.

I think it's natural to miss and simultaneously enjoy memories of people you loved. Pax, it does get less painful and more enjoyable with time.

17579

[Crankin]

In 2013, I went to a party celebrating the communal 60th birthday year of the people in my class. Over and over again, friends from my childhood told my DH that my mom was "so beautiful, so sweet, nice." I was kind of getting sick of hearing it! She was beautiful, she looked like Audrey Hepburn. I think a lot of the comments stemmed from the fact that she was very different from the other suburban, Jewish women of her generation. She put on her jeans and rode bikes with me!

[Trek420]

Hugs to all of you.

More hugs to all. Almost a year since my mom died. We lost dad 10 years ago and I miss him every day.

[shootingstar]

On another cycling forum today, a guy was wondering when he visits, what to say to his dying brother who just found out he had liver cancer. My response was: Just let go now, of whatever barriers there maybe between the 2 of you....

Like others here, I miss some family members. My sister who we suddenly lost almost 5 years ago, my father just last year... Right now, I'm dealing with lack of sleep (nearly 4 consecutive nights of no sleep except for 3 hrs. in total), because of messed up sleeping cycles due to head injury recovery, thoughts of the past, etc. Prescribed drug is not the greatest thing for me..1 drug caused a heart tightness when withdrawal symptoms occurred.

Hoping for baby sleep soon..

[salsabike]

Shootingstar, lack of sleep can be so miserable. Hoping you have some most-loved music and/or books that soothe you.

[shootingstar]

Still working on the sleep thing --to be drug-free as much as possible.

I did go for my lst slow bike ride almost 3 months since my injury. Went half a km. in the warm sunshine and clear dry pavement. It felt victorious...! The pathway was too crowded with cyclists and walkers at that time of day so I turned around to go home.

[Crankin]

Good work, Shoooting Star. You might find that as you get back into riding, the sleep issue may diminish.
Ah, warm sunshine and clear, dry pavement.

[NbyNW]

SS, sorry to hear you are still experiencing issues from your injury. I know it can be frustrating when these things seem to take so long. But it's great that you are easing back into things. Hope you continue to improve.

My own update -- I will be back in Seattle at the end of the month. Tomorrow begins some back and forth, taking DS to stay with my parents for a couple of weeks while I come back here to sort through things and supervise packing and loading; then back to Seattle to get the house ready for DS (basically re-arrange some furniture) and take care of some administrative things, then will pick DS up from my parents first week of April. And start a new chapter.

Looking forward to seeing old friends, and maybe a ride. This last couple of months have been brutal on my health. My stomach shut down for the first month and it was hard to get enough calories to keep going. I subsisted on candied ginger, soup and smoothies. I lost a lot of weight. I had been trying to lose my last 15 pounds of baby weight, but that is all gone now and then some. I may have lost some muscle too, so I'm trying to be very conscious and deliberate about my nutrition so that I don't get in too big of a hole to get healthy again. It's really hard some days. But I am hoping for some Mick Jagger fries in my future ...

[salsabike]

SS, sorry to hear you are still experiencing issues from your injury. I know it can be frustrating when these things seem to take so long. But it's great that you are easing back into things. Hope you continue to improve.

My own update -- I will be back in Seattle at the end of the month. Tomorrow begins some back and forth, taking DS to stay with my parents for a couple of weeks while I come back here to sort through things and supervise packing and loading; then back to Seattle to get the house ready for DS (basically re-arrange some furniture) and take care of some administrative things, then will pick DS up from my parents first week of April. And start a new chapter.

Looking forward to seeing old friends, and maybe a ride. This last couple of months have been brutal on my health. My stomach shut down for the first month and it was hard to get enough calories to keep going. I subsisted on candied ginger, soup and smoothies. I lost a lot of weight. I had been trying to lose my last 15 pounds of baby weight, but that is all gone now and then some. I may have lost some muscle too, so I'm trying to be very conscious and deliberate about my nutrition so that I don't get in too big of a hole to get healthy again. It's really hard some days. But I am hoping for some Mick Jagger fries in my future ...

You are ON for those fries! We'll get MM_QFC, and see who else locally wants to join us. Maybe Mimi will be back by then, too. :) We will welcome you back.

And I know you don't need me to say this since you already know it, but purely from the friend/well-wishing perspective---please take as good care of yourself as you can. It sounds like things have been so very hard. I am really sorry about that. To paraphrase from the Compleat Sage Dan Savage...it'll get better.

[shootingstar]

This last couple of months have been brutal on my health. My stomach shut down for the first month and it was hard to get enough calories to keep going. I subsisted on candied ginger, soup and smoothies. I lost a lot of weight. I had been trying to lose my last 15 pounds of baby weight, but that is all gone now and then some. I may have lost some muscle too, so I'm trying to be very conscious and deliberate about my nutrition so that I don't get in too big of a hole to get healthy again. It's really hard some days. But I am hoping for some Mick Jagger fries in my future ...

Take good, gentle care, NbyNW. You need energy to deal with DS when he comes back from your parents. Jagger fries sounds decadent. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The loss of muscle is a weird thing...it maybe what I have "lost" some muscle weight counterbalanced by normal meals (which my partner has done 80% of the cooking because I was too dizzy during first 2 months of rehab.) and little activity except for 30 min. daily walks to remap my standing balance. I spent so much time in bed just resting and doing nothing for brain to heal. End result: very little weight gain but more slack muscle I guess. It's actually bewildering.

We take so much for granted the muscle effort to pump along for decent distance and going up even gentle hills. It all takes effort.
After yesterday's ride, I'm certain my (minor) exhaustion was related to ..brain stimulation all over again that I had not experienced since accident. Probably rediscovered, acute sense of moving scenery as one bikes along. Doctor has told me that for some head injured folks they get dizzy just from looking at print wallpaper.

[OakLeaf]

Hugs to you, NbyNW.

Shootingstar, I think people tend to overlook the amount of energy that visual attention takes. When I had my concussion I was young and dumb (and in my defense there wasn't near as much publicity about TBIs as there is now) - but believe it or not, I had a similar experience returning from a hand injury. My first few motorcycle rides after it healed, left me completely mentally exhausted. When you're on two wheels you have to be 100% on, and when you've been away from that for a while it can be very tiring even if your brain is only "out of shape." So with your injury, I think it's completely natural that you're so worn out by it. Take it slow and easy, keep being gentle with yourself as frustrating as it probably gets sometimes. Hugs your way too.

[Crankin]

Nby, I hope things go smoothly in your transition. It's good you have your parents as support. It sounds like that french fry reunion will be fun.
Shooting Star, I echo what Oakleaf said. When I slammed my car door into my head 2 years ago, I know I had a concussion, despite not going to the hospital. I was not OK for about 2 months. Your accident was much worse; be kind to yourself. Healing overall, takes a lot more energy than we think.

[ny biker]

I will be attending a cousin's wedding in a couple of weeks, several hundred miles from where I live. I was not invited to the shower, though my mother and sister (who don't live as far away from the bride) were invited.

We get along with this part of the family but we're not especially close. For the most part I think this is due to location. When I was growing up we often spent time with my aunt and uncle (grandparents to the bride) and their kids/my cousins (one of whom is the bride's father). The bride's grandmother has passed away, but I still see my uncle and other cousins (bride's grandfather and her aunts and uncles) at most holidays -- they all live closer to my parents.

So, last month, after the shower but before the wedding, I looked up the couple's registry online, purchased something from their list and had it sent to them as a wedding present. On the card I included a general message along the lines of "wishing you love and happiness." The other day I received a thank you card, saying they were sorry I wasn't at the shower but thank you so much for the generous shower gift.

But, um, that wasn't a shower gift, that was the wedding gift. I'm not sending another gift.

Not that I want to be stingy, but I really don't know this couple very well. And I'm just not rolling in disposable income right now, for a variety of reasons. And I have to pay for a hotel room and use a vacation day in order to attend this wedding. I mean, I'm happy to attend and I do wish them well, I just don't plan to buy any more gifts.

I just hope no one at the wedding mentions "my generous shower gift," because I really don't want to have to tell them that it was the wedding gift, not the shower gift.

I supposed I've learned a lesson from this. I was following Miss Manners' advice to send wedding gifts to the couple's home sometime between one year before and one year after the wedding. From now on, I'll wait and send the gift after the wedding.

[shootingstar]

But, um, that wasn't a shower gift, that was the wedding gift. I'm not sending another gift.

Not that I want to be stingy, but I really don't know this couple very well. And I'm just not rolling in disposable income right now, for a variety of reasons. And I have to pay for a hotel room and use a vacation day in order to attend this wedding. I mean, I'm happy to attend and I do wish them well, I just don't plan to buy any more gifts.

I just hope no one at the wedding mentions "my generous shower gift," because I really don't want to have to tell them that it was the wedding gift, not the shower gift.

I supposed I've learned a lesson from this. I was following Miss Manners' advice to send wedding gifts to the couple's home sometime between one year before and one year after the wedding. From now on, I'll wait and send the gift after the wedding.

Probably wise to let it go.

If it were me, I would have simply indicated (in the card) that it was my wedding gift. Wedding preparation is a lot of details and this couple might have genuinely misunderstood or not remembered their wedding guest attendance list. One thing for certain giving wedding gifts at the wedding reception is a pain in the butt 'cause it can become a security issue or just remembering who is going to pick up the gifts after the big night.

[ny biker]

Probably wise to let it go.

If it were me, I would have simply indicated (in the card) that it was my wedding gift. Wedding preparation is a lot of details and this couple might have genuinely misunderstood or not remembered their wedding guest attendance list. One thing for certain giving wedding gifts at the wedding reception is a pain in the butt 'cause it can become a security issue or just remembering who is going to pick up the gifts after the big night.

Yes back in college I attended a wedding where the bride and groom had to ask me and a few other friends to help them take care of the gifts that were brought to the reception, and it really was a hassle finding room in people's cars and keeping track of everything to make sure nothing was lost (or stolen). This is why I usually send the gift after the wedding. It never occurred to me that it would be confusing to send it a few weeks early.

If you watch TV shows and movies like Downton Abbey, they always show wedding gifts being sent to the bride's family's house before the wedding. But I have no idea what current etiquette books (or websites) say about the issue, or if they address it at all.

[emily_in_nc]

I find it very odd that anyone would assume that a gift received from someone not even INVITED to the shower was a shower gift, especially when said person is invited to the wedding.

Just very strange to me. Someone is either scatter-brained or feeling very entitled, IMO. I would just go to the wedding and not say another word about the gift. Either they'll figure it out later or never think of it again!

[Pax]

Hotel, definitely!! I won't stay with people anymore, really need my privacy.

[Pax]

Yeah. I've learned the hard way. The money is totally worth it. It's not so much privacy for me, it's just my family are a$$h013s.

When I was 18-25 or so it was fun staying with friends and family, but as I've aged, no way!

[OakLeaf]

Glad he's doing better, anyway. I'm trying to develop some tolerance for the inevitable "someone else is sick, poor me," but I don't have a lot of patience for that attitude. That's one of the reasons for some of my own health care decisions.

Yep ... hotel when we can get away with it, which isn't always.

[Crankin]

I don't mind staying with my kids or my brother, as their homes are kind of like mine... my brother does take some work to deal with, but he has a pretty significant mood disorder. I can joke him out of his funks, so outside of that, we are strangely similar, despite a 10 year age difference and totally different lives. We do stay at hotels, or mostly B and Bs when we visit though.

[shootingstar]

One would think with several siblings who each have their own home and they all live in 1 big large city...that I would have choice for overnight stays.

There are 2 siblings that I have each stayed 1-2 nights and then do the remaining days in hotel. Sadly, I would not be happy to stay with my mother who now lives in a big enough house...she would be very picky on my messiness...in her eyes. She has always been quite controlling..

It shouldn't be like this but unfortunately some parents don't know how to see their adult children without lecturing/ordering them to do stuff. I hear enough stories from my siblings since my father has died last yr.

I know some others like me, who are unable to stay overnight with aging parent for visits. It becomes difficult when one only sees the parent once a year or less. Often, there are huge expectations on both sides on how the visit outcomes should be like. I'd rather hear stories from my mother, for she will no longer be alive, instead of instructions on how to look after her kitchen. (As if I don't know.) I suppose the positive thing about all this, is a mother is generally quite organized in doing stuff, an asset as she grows older in her 80's.

[Crankin]

Wow, that sounds stressful, Shooting Star. Hotels are a better option than a controlling parent! We always stayed with my parents when we went to San Diego, especially when we lived in Phoenix, and we couldn't afford any other vacations to get out of the hellish weather. We always got a long, because we went off and did our own thing, and my parents often would, too, as well as taking the kids out places when they were little. After we moved, we did 3-4 visits staying there, and my mom used to come here in the summer, as her parents and sister were here. That was stressful, because my aunt is a controlling b***** and treated my mom terribly. My mom used to split her time between my house and my aunt's, and there was a lot of driving back and forth, about a 40 minute drive at that time. I went to San Diego once with the kids when my mom was sick (they were in middle school) and once alone, right before she died. After that, we didn't go to San Diego. My dad met us in Phoenix twice, which was fun. Of course, we did this without telling DH's parents. They thought we were arriving days later. When my son moved to California, he lived in San Diego for 5 years, so we visited everyone, but stayed in B and Bs. Now my son lives outside of LA (Claremont), so next time we go there, we'll probably stay with him.

[shootingstar]

As you can see, I'm very careful how I inquire how things are now with siblings who live in same city as mother. They are looking after needs/demands.

It's very presumptuous for me to offer harmless advice when I'm not there. But I am able to give this leads on their city's community resources....which comes from my volunteer work in Toronto ..prior to cycling advocacy: it was social support services for Chinese-speaking Canadians like my mother.

One day I should blog how 1 type of advocacy actually later has some parallels....marginalization due to non-English speaking Canadians, compared marginalization of cyclists and pedestrians in the big world of transportation infrastructure...there ARE some similarities.

[ny biker]

My brother is easy to get along with, and 26 years ago, he was always light-hearted and happy. Since marrying her, he is quiet and withdrawn. Like he doesn't want anything to do with anyone. Everyone in my family always blamed his wife. I lived far enough away that I wasn't sure. After this visit, I'm sure! She is controlling and selfish. I feel sorry for him. He does deal with her, with humor, and with just not saying anything.

This can be a sign of an abusive, manipulative relationship. Which could also explain why your brother still lives there. Obviously I don't know them well enough to know for sure, just saying there are possible red flags.

I stay at my parents' house all the time I when I go up to NY, in fact will be there Friday night. One sibling's family also stays there when they visit, while another stays in a hotel, mostly because the house is small and the bedrooms are small and there are not enough bathrooms when lots of people are staying there.

If I visit the siblings who live out west, I stay at their houses. My parents stay will all of us when they visit, including me -- I have no guest room so I sleep on an air mattress in the living room while they take my room. There can be issues of not enough space and having to coordinate morning routines given limited bathroom availability, but in general we get along well enough. I think the key is that no one expects us to all be together all the time -- the hosts typically have to go to work, school or other activities they're committed to, and the guests understand there will be times they are on their own. And it's just temporary, which makes it easier to overlook the little annoyances.

[shootingstar]

I have stayed with sibling(s) longer than 1-2 days, but for those who have several children, it's complicated for them to have a guest, even if I'm a sibling.. I see my sister rushing around cleaning up certain areas within a busy schedule..for me. That's nice, but I certainly don't want to over-extend her energy and even when I'm out of the house most of the day. Hubby is busy too with kids.

I get along with my siblings..thankfully. (I'm always sorry to hear stories of horrible blow-outs / very fractious sibling relationship stories.) We always enjoy visiting each other/socializing over meals collectively. I miss them.

[ny biker]

Yes I'm also lucky to have a good relationship with my family.

No one rushes around cleaning up for me while I visit them. In fact one sister used to put me to work when I stayed with her at the vacation house she used to have in Colorado. ;) But you're right that it's extra work to have guests and in my family it means someone gives up their bedroom for visitors. But it's worth it to spend time together.

[snapdragen]

When I was 18-25 or so it was fun staying with friends and family, but as I've aged, no way!

I'm the same way, I need my private space to decompress.

[Crankin]

Last night I found out my first love commited suicide. It was a very complicated situation, ugly divorce, adult kids and his bio family refusing to talk to him, loss of status, money, etc. We reconnected in 1996, but it was only in the past 5 years that we really started talking again. He was at my house for dinner last May and he was back in town in the fall, when I met him for coffee after I came back from Portugal.
He lived outside DC and had planned to move back here. It was a hasty decision, he met someone on-line tangentially connected to a web site where we reflect on memories of growing up in our town. She did not go to my high school, I don't know her. Short story is, he flew up here, stuff on the way, they had a fight, and he flew back to DC, where he was relegated back to the basement of his ex and his home.I talked to him as he was on the way back to the airport. There are definitely 2 sides to every story, but this is just really sad. I was on the phone most of last night with my 2 closest friends from high school. The weird thing is, that his family (ex and daughters) have a Go Fund Me page for "expenses." Why? I hope they don't act all sad, after the way they acted. No one knows if the girlfriend who kicked him out knows. She had been messaging me incessently all last week, trying to find out if I had heard from him. I sent her a message with my phone #, to call me, but no response. She is going to need some serious help...

[Catrin]

So sorry Crankin, that is such a complex and sad situation.

[Crankin]

Incredibly complicated. My phone has been buzzing like crazy as I sit here seeing the kids at Hudson HS. So, the ex girlfriend did contact me finally. She knows. She is going to call me at 1:15, after I get home from work and PT. Then I will take a nice walk in the woods or an easy ride.
I guess what is so sad is that he was a person who everyone saw as perfect when we were kids. Smart, athletic, kind, socially aware. I know this means nothing in terms of mental health, and I wish I knew everything. I am glad we reconnected and I was able to apologize for making a bad choice at age 18.
However, the good thing is I had 2 wonderful talks with my best friend from middle/high school last night. It was like no time elapsed. Talking to her was like hearing my own voice.

[OakLeaf]

Oh man, Crankin. That's so sad. Do take care of yourself.

[Crankin]

Interacting with the high school kids this morning is keeping me busy and very engaged. I am ok, albeit somewhat numb. I know that's normal and everyone else who was his friend (and it's a lot of people who have been affected by this) feels the same way. I can't really talk to my friends about this, for a lot of reasons. I can talk to my high school friends, though, and DH.

[Crankin]

Not gonna do that. I am already home for the day, and I only have morning clients tomorrow. In fact, I'd get a lot of questions in this situation, if I did that! Going to get ready to go outside...

[IBrakeforPastry]

I'm so sorry Crankin. Please take care.

[shootingstar]

So sad that a promising person did not make through his life happier. My thoughts with you, Crankin. Glad you got to chat up with him.

[Crankin]

I feel so much better after a 3.5 mile hike in 68 degree weather. I wore a skort. No snow on the trail at all! Birds singing and peepers peeping. The end of the trail backs up to a housing development in the next town, so it's less woodsy. I sat down on a big rock and let the sun shine on my face. Heaven. Then I hiked back, up the big grade to my house.
I spoke to the girlfriend. She says her alarms were going off before he left and that she knows it was not her fault. She's a talker, and I suspect I may hear from her again. Now, the person who actually told me about this, whom he dated for awhile (this precipitated his separation, divorce, etc), and was an actual friend of mine, is going a little nuts on Facebook. She posted his HS grad picture, which is quite a memory inducer for me. But, I know this woman is a bit "off." She moved away a year before i did and seems to have reconnected with people who barely remember her. All of this is quite weird. After all, we are all in our early 60s...

[Pax]

Sorry to hear about your friend, Crankin.

[Crankin]

There's a graveside funeral here on Sunday. I am conflicted. Afraid that there may be family drama there. The ex-wife and kids won't know who I am, but his brother and mom will. I am supposed to do a pre-ride of a new ride I am leading. I can miss this, but I am still not sure. I haven't asked DH to go with me yet, I have one friend who might be able to go. I am afraid that if I don't go, I will regret it, but another part of me says just remember the good stuff, of which there is a lot.

[Blueberry]

I'm so sorry, Crankin. Sounds like a difficult situation all around. Keep taking care of yourself.

[Crankin]

I most definitely would stay in the background! My experience has been that when there is a graveside service for a Jewish person (we did this for my dad's mom), it's usually very small, immediate family and there's no funeral home service because of money. No one knows about this, it's not in the paper, nothing on our HS Facebook page or anywhere else.
I am leaning toward not going.

[Crankin]

Murienn, I was not married to this person... he was my first serious boyfriend. We started dating in middle school, sort of broke up at the beginning of grade 10, then before I moved that year, we reconnected. I spent most of my last 2 years of high school flying between Miami and Boston. He was supposed to come down for my prom, and his parents wouldn't pay for it. Thus, I was asked by someone whom I stupidly did date and marry at age 22. I had a rough couple of years after I left my first husband and met my DH. Not all bad, but some of, well, bad. When I graduated high school, I came up here to Boston, with the wrong one, to attend college. One night, right before classes started, my "friend" appeared at my aunt and uncle's house with a friend of mine, who is my uncle's niece (her father's brother married my mother's sister). They walked into the house, not knowing my new boyfriend was there. It had to be one the most awful events in my life, because I knew right there I had made a grievious mistake. But, I was too f*n immature to send the guy packing and reach out to the one I loved. He even sent me letters... at one point, after I divorced, I thought about contacting him, but I decided not to. I was still mortified, after 6 years. I don't regret my life now, and I have the best husband, ever. But, I know I was really immature!
And, btw, we reconnected because my 13 year old son did an internet search for him in 1996, when the net was rather new. My son sent him an email and he responded! Needless to say, I was mortified.
I am not going to the funeral. I will think about him during my ride, and he would have loved that.

[SheFly]

You, of all people, like me, know that suicide is complex. Everyone reacts differently, regardless of their relationship with the deceased. I like what you have planned - a ride to remember him. I have done that often, thinking of my brother.

So sorry that you have to go through this. When will we, as a society, get our heads out of our butts and start recognizing suicide and mental illness for the epidemic it has become? I am hearing all too often of friends who are being impacted by this, and it makes me so very, very sad.

SheFly

[Crankin]

I do know this, SheFly, and thank you! Thank you, to everyone here. I have sort of been assigned the role of making sure everyone is OK by people, but everyone (from my hometown) is checking in on me, too. I went back and looked at the string of last texts from him. I should have seen something in some of those. I was very upset when his girlfriend told me yesterday, that he had been threatening suicide during the weekend he was here, and that he told her he wouldn't attempt, he would do it. He flew back to DC and did it...
I feel so good about talking to my friend Judie Wednesday night. She also left me a long voice mail, yesterday. I know I will hear from her tonight, too. She also lived in VA and had stayed connected to him. I wasn't kidding when I said I heard myself in her voice... she even swore the same way I do, when I'm mad, and at the end of the conversation, she said she had not used so many Yiddish words in a conversation in like 40 years!
I feel badly for DH. He has been extremely sick with a bronchial thing, and home most of the week. I got the news when he was out at CVS, buying Mucinex. I briefly gave him the details, but I haven't burdened him with the ugly details, as he is really a wreck. I suspect he thinks most of these phone calls have been clients, so I will tell him all when he feels better.

[SheFly]

I went back and looked at the string of last texts from him. I should have seen something in some of those.

This is normal survivor guilt, but you need to let it go. I spent years after my high school boyfriend committed suicide in the guilt cycle. In the end, I was finally able to realize that there wasn't anything different that I could have done for him. Instead of feeling the guilt, enjoy the memories that you do have. Honor him with your bike ride, and be glad that you were able to reconnect and enjoy your friendship.

SheFly

[OakLeaf]

(((((Crankin)))))

SheFly has good advice. Thinking of you. Hope your DH feels better soon, for both of your sake.

[Catrin]

{{{{Crankin}}}} hang in there, SheFly is spot-on, not what we need to tell you that. Sending you warm thoughts of comfort and strength in this difficult time and hope your DH feels better soon!

[Crankin]

Yeah, I know what it is, and really, it's not *bad* survivor's guilt. My clinical radar has been up since February, when he texted me the day the divorce was final. Now, he initiated it, but I think he was scared sh!tless, and was also a little used to playing the victim. I told him to call me if he needed to talk, and within 10 seconds of that text, he called and asked how I felt when I got divorced. I told him it was comparing apples and oranges, as I was 23 years old and barely felt married, just mad at myself for getting into that mess. I think he was so distraught over his adult daughters not talking to him and telling him he was evil, causing them go into therapy. He was not allowed to go to the younger one's college graduation. He sold his company a few years ago, spent the $ supporting his parents, and couldn't find a job. Enough to cause anyone to be hopeless.
I am fine, looking forward to a great riding weekend here in Boston.

[Catrin]

...
I am fine, looking forward to a great riding weekend here in Boston.

Have fun, it looks like the weather will be great! I am considering trying out my new brace on a gentle set of dirt hiking trails for a mile or two this weekend myself.

[emily_in_nc]

{{{{{{{{{{ Crankin }}}}}}}}}}}}}

I am pleased and relieved today that my mother approves (or at least appears to, in email) of our plans to return to Mexico after spending the summer in the US visiting her and my DH's parents. I know she'd prefer we stay in NC, but that is not in the cards right now, so I am happy to have her support for this "alternative" lifestyle we have adopted since retiring.

I just turned 54, and it surprises me how much I still crave my mother's approval. When my dad was alive, it was his approval I always looked for and was fearful of not getting. Now that he's not here, I seem to have transferred that need towards my mother.

[Crankin]

We all crave approval. Some from parents, some from friends, others from spouses or co-workers. I think I mostly crave professional approval, because honestly, I always have been on the leading edge of social trends and not really giving a crap about what others think of the personal parts of my life. Perhaps that is because I've always been really social and had a lot of friends, and I had really accepting parents. I feel lucky to have been around people who have just accepted me with all of my "stuff." I'm feeling really lucky right now to still feel such strong connections to some of the friends I've had since I was 12 years old...

[Crankin]

So, a little update...
My perspective has now changed, and frankly, I feel like some people are still in high school.
On Monday, a holiday here, I was greeted by a long FB message from the girlfriend, kind of ranting, it was not her fault, she saw the red flags, had to protect herself. I answered her back, repeating my mantra, normal survivor's guilt, get some help, etc. Then I received a friend request from some woman in N. Carolina, whom I do not know at all, except that she was a friend of my ex-boyfriend. A friend a couple of years younger, from my hometown, who was proclaiming that she had "loved him since she was 15." Oy. Not sure what kind of love she meant, but none the less, creepy. She appeared to be divorced, some kind of artist. OK, after that, more messages from the girlfriend. She told me that he had told her some personal stuff about our relationship; not gritty details, and I suppose the kind of things you discuss with a partner when getting to know them, but that set me off. She told me he had lied about how many partners he had had, so it was in the context of that conversation. I ended the conversation with the same thing I've been telling everyone: Remember the good times, and for her benefit I said, you know, we had a really good relationship, and that's what I am going to remember, not this stuff in the present. Then... messages from the "other" girlfriend, the one he arrived at the reunion with 2 years ago, that started this whole thing. They were no longer a thing, but she seemes to be carrying a torch. She was just struggling with the fact that he had a commited relationship with the other one, that he lied about this.
OK, I do not not want to be a member of this club, where the common denominator is lying to divorced women to make yourself feel better. He did not lie to me, as my BS radar is quite effective and always has been. Finally, Tuesday night, I had a long conversation with my best friend from my teenaged years, that I mentioned in one of my above posts. This is the best thing to have come out of this. We are not going to let another 20 or 40 years go by again... it feels really good to have her back in my life.

[Crankin]

Yes, I blocked the weirdo from NC. The girlfriend is going to get a little time and I most likely will block her if she keeps ranting. The other girlfriend is someone I actually knew and I've been FB friends with her for awhile. She's weird, but this is nothing new. She's grieving.
It's cold out again... Might be like 37 when I ride to work tomorrow.

[Pax]

It was 32 here this morning, I need to be at the beach and be warm, this endless cold just makes my knee ache all the time.

[emily_in_nc]

It was 32 here this morning, I need to be at the beach and be warm, this endless cold just makes my knee ache all the time.

When do you move to Florida? :D

[OakLeaf]

32 in the morning and the marathon called off for lightning mid-morning today?! :eek:

Soon ....

[Catrin]

Warmer weather MUST come soon, yes?

[Helene2013]

It has to come soon. We're freezing for the time of season here! At least the forecast should improve some on Tuesday. Some areas got snow! We're almost May. My heat pump is working around the clock. Normally, we have it off and even the air conditionning can be cranked up a bit on some days. Certainly far from it with something nearing 0c (32f) tonight. brrrrr The good thing: NO bugs out yet. hihi

And husband went riding with the club (1st informal ride) last Saturday and the guy in front of him was zigzaging and for no reason anyone can think of, braked. Husband had 2 options: the ditch or swing to the left. He opted for the left...but the other rider too! So he snapped hubby's front wheel. Long story short: hubby fell (still clipped), serious wound on right thigh. He was lucky that he landed about an inch from his hip bone. Just a small pain on his right shoulder, nothing broken. His helmet touched the ground but did not bang the head. Anyway, he was on crutches for a few days, some anti-inflammatory pills, physio and he did his 1st trainer - just light wheel spins today. He'll be able to start riding smoothly outside, but no club ride yet.

So it is a good thing the weather is nasty... keeps him calmed down and not wanting to ride. Gives him time to heal. hihi

[Pax]

When do you move to Florida? :D
Two more weeks!! :p



32 in the morning and the marathon called off for lightning mid-morning today?! :eek:

Soon ....
It has been crazy, Friday was perfect weather for marathon, today will be the same... but yesterday was nuts! Cold followed by wrath of god rain with thunder and lightening. I know it killed them to cancel, it's a huge deal here.

[Crankin]

That weather sounds just crazy! I won't complain about cold and a little rain here... I did get in a 30 mile ride yesterday, after all. Trying to speed up the warming process by ordering 2 new short sleeved jerseys from TE, and throwing out 3 jerseys that I bought in 2003 or 4. I love one of them, but jersey design has changed (for the better) and they are all too short on me.
Helene, hope your husband is OK. This is why I rarely go on group rides anymore, even the groups I ride with, which are not even pacelines. I'm OK with riding with up to about 5 people. People I know!
I will ride today, but except for Wednesday, I won't be able to ride or commute this week, due to a combination of weather, going to a workshop, and a haircut appointment.

[OakLeaf]

Yikes Helene! Hope he heals up quick. Any more, I'll pull for an entire ride before I'll draft a squirrel.

[Helene2013]

Thanks for him.

Husband was last in the peloton. This other guy had been warned by the ride leader at the beginning of the ride to stop zigzaging. Husband learned a lesson. He is no longer riding near cyclists that he has not seen in a ride and knows how this new one does in group. He will also keep a bit further behind if he has a choice. His group leader filed a formal complaints too but was replied that the 2 new guys were good cyclists! Heuh! They never saw them in the club before. And if you are used to a peloton, you don't zigzag or break for nothing. But 1st ride is also very touchy as everyone is not into the "feel" of a ride. He was also told that he will be "protected" by other members he knows so he can feel he rides safely. But for now, no club ride for a little while. He has to heal before.

I'm no fan of tight group rides. I guess you either like or not. I prefer to ride just the 2 of us, even if I don't go fast or tire more easily. I ride for fun, not speed.

They are even talking about cycling just a few of them, out of the club, since they ride well together and feel very comfy between us. It does not mean you'll never have an accident, but when you ride with people you trust, it makes a ride much more enjoyable.

[Trek420]

Helene2013, Wow, glad that hubby is ok. Like you I shy away from group rides and am picky about whom I ride with and near. Let's get Mr zig zag a fender with a sticker "warning. I brake for hallucinations" :eek:

I've decided to get back to the dojo. There are several Aikido dojos near us. I picked one to examine more closely, observed a few classes, talked to some senior students and finally with sensei, the head instructor. Introduced myself as an old, slightly outa practice, outa shape nidan (2nd degree black belt) and all said "cmon down and start training."

So I've now been to a few classes. Their style's a little different than what I've been doing since about 1980. But I should be able to adapt to it and its good to be back. Then the other day I get an email from someone at the dojo. Normally one or more of the students will take on administrative jobs, responding to correspondence, book keeping et al. In it she says as a new student I should be attending the basics class. Alrighty then, basics? Basics are always good to do but stick with beginners class for a month for a nidan? :confused:

So I'll go back and confirm with the head instructor. It was my understanding she wanted me to just fall in but if their tradition is different alrighty then.

[OakLeaf]

I was glued to the window of the plane on my flight home on Friday. I realized it was because I really still hadn't been back since December, on an emotional level. We came back before heading to Boston, but I had an 11-day turnaround (DH just a couple of days more). I just left my suitcase open on the living room floor and swapped out the contents.

I keep saying what a hassle spring marathons are. That must be why five of the seven I've run have been in the spring. D'oh.

[Crankin]

Well, it does seem like a better plan than coming from Florida, where you might have a 40 degree temperature difference to acclimate to! Now, you can relax and get on with everything else. At least you could just leave your open suitcase out, to pack for the Marathon.
Trek, I'd be really upset about the mixed messages you are getting from the dojo. I hope it works out.

[ny biker]

It's been years since I've had a cold this bad. Five days in a row doing almost nothing, staying home except for a few errands. Last night I started taking a decongestant, mostly in an attempt to keep it from turning into a bad cough (I'm getting post-nasal_drip sore throats at night). Unfortunately it's only a somewhat effect decongestant, but on the other hand I don't want the sleeplessness and other side effects of pseudoephedrine. And I feel so tired and even have some muscle aches. No fever though, and no reason at this point to think I need to see a doctor.

Boo.

[OakLeaf]

Ugh. Hope you feel better soon.

I still swear by black elderberry extract. I've tried EVERYTHING for colds - pharmaceutical, herbal and homeopathic - unlike most of it, elderberry just works, and I get no side effects. It works best if I can get on top of it as soon as I start feeling run-down, but it will definitely speed recovery. Quantum Health is my favorite, but it's getting harder to find as people realize what a bargain it is.

Take care of yourself.

[Trek420]

Trek, I'd be really upset about the mixed messages you are getting from the dojo. I hope it works out.

Well, it's kind of amusing really. Aikido, being a traditional art is a bit like stepping away from the hubbub of the modern world and into feudal Japan. So you bow at the door and step into a world where there's all this elaborate etiquette. Class by class it's mostly who starts a teqnique first, it's not as if anyone is committing sepuku if they do it wrong.

I don't want to step on feet, "I'm a nidan and I get to do this this way". But this A person who wrote me is likely waaaaaay under my rank and experience and really should have checked with sensei before she told me to go back to basics. I'll just talk to sensei and expect to clear this up. And then, there is a saying in the peaceful, nonviolent, supportive, protective, respectful, safe art of Aikido. "There is no revenge in Aikido. But there is "my turn"".

So I'll find A and just train a bit with her. That should clarify my rank. :cool:

[Pax]

So I'll find A and just train a bit with her. That should clarify my rank. :cool:

Does that mean you get to hit her with a stick? ;)

[Trek420]

Does that mean you get to hit her with a stick? ;)

No. That would be bad :cool: That would not be nice.

O'sensei Ueshiba founded Aikido. His favorite student was Saito Sensei, whom he entrusted with running his Iwama dojo. One of Saito Sensei's favorite students is my teacher, Pat Hendricks.

So I may be old, outa practice and outa shape but my new teacher knows "oooh, I want this one training here" because of the lineage.

Here's Pat, my teacher with Saito Sensei: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=jIF-RDYoBac

[Crankin]

Pax, your question made me laugh!
Trek, it sounds like it will work out. I have learned quite a bit about karate and the different styles, from one of my clients, who is 16. He is on the spectrum and has some mood issues, and going to the right dojo has been the best calming strategy in the world for him. I've worked with him for 3.5 years, so I can really see growth. He is naturally athletic, I actually used to ride and hike with him when I was doing in home therapy. Since he went back to the dojo, he has lost 50+ pounds, can articulate his feelings, has insight, and is running up to 5 miles. No hospitalizations or any trips to the ER in over a year. If enough kids sign up for the summer program, he is going to be a teacher assistant.

[Trek420]

Yep. Just back from the dojo and A, the one who bumped me to beginners? The volunteer secretary. :rolleyes:

[Lelani Carver]

Trek - looking forward to hearing how "your turn" goes.

[OakLeaf]

Eh, I get your frustration, and I probably shouldn't say anything more because I know absolutely zero about the martial arts world ... but in the worlds I do know, in situations where there's a chance of injury, it's always best to observe someone and start slow if you didn't train them yourself. In the yoga world, it's amazing (and very sad and frustrating) how often you'll see people with RYT200 or even 500 who don't even know the first thing about hand placement - sending out masses of students at risk for shoulder injuries. Zen mind, beginner's mind, and all that :cool:

Anyway, sounds like you've been able to prove yourself - hope you get on well at this dojo from here out!

[Crankin]

I am exhausted and bored. Sitting here at Hudson HS, ready for my first client at 7:45. The kid texts me saying she can't miss class, it's important for her final grade (she's graduating). There's nothing to do while I wait... No one I can even schmooze with. And, I am having doubts my 8:45 will come. I am so glad I will be done with this in 2 weeks. Finally, I will have the schedule I want.

[Crankin]

The rest of the kids came. I actually had to see a client at the office on the way home, and when I got there, I had a note from the insurance lady that the kid who didn't come insurance expired on 4/15. So, I would not have been paid if I saw her. I texted her (she's 18) and she said, yeah, they got the letter to renew their MA Health, but there was some issue, and "it was only 5 days ago." I hate telling people this, but I did tell her that if she doesn't have the insurance ( no co pay), if I see her, it's 55.00. That is cheap for private pay, but I made the point and she got it.

[ny biker]

The rest of the kids came. I actually had to see a client at the office on the way home, and when I got there, I had a note from the insurance lady that the kid who didn't come insurance expired on 4/15. So, I would not have been paid if I saw her. I texted her (she's 18) and she said, yeah, they got the letter to renew their MA Health, but there was some issue, and "it was only 5 days ago." I hate telling people this, but I did tell her that if she doesn't have the insurance ( no co pay), if I see her, it's 55.00. That is cheap for private pay, but I made the point and she got it.

Well, she's young and probably (hopefully) hasn't been forced to learn the realities of dealing with insurance problems yet. A waste of your time, but a chance to help her learn an important lesson.

[Crankin]

Yes, and it's a complicated family situation. She's actually a very responsible kid. Her grandmother was her guardian, but she lives with her mom/dad, under very trying circumstances. I guess mom responded to the letter Mass Health sent them and it was actually the grandmother who should have seen this. I had already had my final meeting with the grandmother, to tell her that I no longer legally could communicate with her, unless the kid signed a release, which was hard for her to understand. But, although the kid would probably sign a release, I think this is, indeed, alesson she needs to learn, as she said this is already messing up the stuff she needs to do for her college for next year. She's the first person her family to go to college, so there's a lot of stress, apart from the family situation. She's not going very far, but she will be living on campus.

[OakLeaf]

On the topic of waning forum activity ... I just noticed that there's no longer a link to the forum on TE's e-commerce homepage. Susan/Jeff, was that intentional? Have we become more hassle than we're worth?

[Crankin]

I, too, have noticed the decrease in forum activity, again. It makes me sad.
We might not have so many technical questions, after years of genius TE advice, but we have other cycling and related stuff to share, I think??? I, for one, have no desire to post on other cycling forums.

[Helene2013]

I noticed this also this week because of some reason, instead of getting directly to this forum, I went to look at stuff to purchase and could not get back to the forum. I had to google team oestrogen forum to get to the link. hummm

If I go to TE direct weblink, the "community" tab is not there. It will appear only once I click for instance on one of the tabs then it shows the Community button. But there is no way I'd know there was a community without clicking on the "sale" or whatever else button. Which opens another window, and then I see Community, etc.

[rocknrollgirl]

I don't post often, but this is the only place I do post and I do check in every day. Do you think social media is killing this type of forum? Is everyone on FB and that is why they are not posting?

Heck I have long standing friendships that are on the brink of ending because I am not on FB. Is it really that much work to email or pick up the phone anymore? Sorry, different issue I guess.

[Catrin]

I don't post often, but this is the only place I do post and I do check in every day. Do you think social media is killing this type of forum? Is everyone on FB and that is why they are not posting?

Heck I have long standing friendships that are on the brink of ending because I am not on FB. Is it really that much work to email or pick up the phone anymore? Sorry, different issue I guess.

I do think this is related to social media. When I found TE in 2010 forums seemed to be more popular among most people I knew at the time. That has changed...

[shootingstar]

I post occasionally in 3 other places. 2 others are cycling oriented with 1 of them a local-city based cycling forum. But it is this forum I check most often. I actually find it easier to choose different topics to respond within 1 central interface in 1 site and see responses from regular as well as occasional visitors.

I do enough jumping around by visiting blogs.... So a forum feels more "stable", less fragmented from a reading perspective.

I don't use FB. Having a blog is good enough for me on sharing my favourite passions and photos. Thank God my closest friends are email oriented. They don't use FB nor Twitter either.

[katluvr]

I, too, check frequently but don't post much. Mostly because I don't have much to say on the few new posting/topics. I usually post on the running thread but I've been absent from there. I check out a few other blogs but they have lost my interest, too. Maybe my interests are changing or maybe it's the blogs or electronic mediums are not keeping my interest. Even FB has turned in to mostly my "friends" just "liking" other posts and not sharing something original. Just my thoughts/musings!

K

[withm]

I think people are using their phones and other devices more now and spend less time on real computers. Typing long posts on a cell phone is a little tedious so people just post short notes or "likes."

Communication is really changing and becoming a lost art.

And for the record, I typed this on my IPhone. :)

[OakLeaf]

Yeah, somewhere in the last few days DH read me a statistic that some fairly substantial majority of FB users access it ONLY via mobile.

Every form of communication shapes the content, I think. Cripes, DH still prefers a listserv. :eek: I don't know how many of those are even active - or what the median age of participants in the three lists he participates in, might be! As I kind of do here, I wonder how many people who *didn't* get our first Internet wings on CompuServe or AOL, still prefer the threaded forum format?

[Trek420]

Yeah, somewhere in the last few days DH read me a statistic that some fairly substantial majority of FB users access it ONLY via mobile.

Every form of communication shapes the content, I think. Cripes, DH still prefers a listserv. :eek: I don't know how many of those are even active - or what the median age of participants in the three lists he participates in, might be! As I kind of do here, I wonder how many people who *didn't* get our first Internet wings on CompuServe or AOL, still prefer the threaded forum format?

That. Every form of communication, every change in technology; movable type, italicized fonts, desktop publishing shapes communication.

I think in some ways the forum format of extended detailed posts, preference for good writing and communication over quick posts and "likes" is on the way back with sites like reddit. Also they have an r/ladcyclists but it's NOTHING compared to the wit, wisdom, all round wonderful ness of TE.

So I may look at other social media but long live TE!

Posted from an iPad.

[Crankin]

I post from my I Phone if I am at work; not a big deal. It's a nice break. I am on FB a lot, but I rarely post anything. Mostly, it's about my rides.
I love the intelligent opinions of the people here. Yes, I learned a lot about cycling, but it's more than that.

[marni]

well since it has been rainig so much I have only been on my bike once in the last two weeks. My life is pretty routine and I don't post about every ride I take or workout I do but I do check the forum every day and ppost whenever I have anything that seems vaguely of interest. maybe its a trend or maybe its just a passing phase. something to ponder at 2 am .

[Lelani Carver]

I use an app called Tapatalk on iPhone and iPad, so posting isn't a problem although some options are limited.

The link to the community was missing when I visited the main site to buy some (really nice) sport bras. It was on some page tabs but not others. It may be a simple matter to fix.

[OakLeaf]

Maybe it's because I'm a fast touch typist, but trying to type on a mobile screen just drives me crazy. If it's more than a few words I usually don't even bother, it just takes too long. I'll wait 'til I get home ... or just blow it off. When I travel I carry a Bluetooth keyboard to use with the iPad, and I've even paired it to my phone at times.

[ny biker]

Maybe it's because I'm a fast touch typist, but trying to type on a mobile screen just drives me crazy. If it's more than a few words I usually don't even bother, it just takes too long. I'll wait 'til I get home ... or just blow it off. When I travel I carry a Bluetooth keyboard to use with the iPad, and I've even paired it to my phone at times.

I'm not that fast a typist but I agree, typing things on a phone is a pain so I tend to wait until I'm on a pc, and then I sometimes forget. I'm not a fan of texting for the same reason, but if I use email to send a longer message it doesn't always get read. The younger people in my family don't use email much at all.

[Crankin]

I have to look at the keys to type, but I am not so slow. Typing on the touch screen ended up been a lot easier for me than I thought it would be.
I tend to write posts right when I think of it, so hence, using the phone. I don't have a tablet, I don't see the need for it. And I do post almost every ride, since I don't post it anywhere else; occasionally I write something on FB about a ride, but my non-riding friends always ask, "Don't you ever stop?"
My sons are a little old fashioned for their age in terms of tech use. The only annoying habit they have is the older one *never* listens to phone voice mails, at least from me or other people he knows. He does call back, but sometimes I get annoyed when he asks, "What was that about?" The older is not on FB, after being a prolific early user. He thinks Twitter is stupid, but he has had a blog since college (not sure if he still does). The younger one is on FB, but never posts and also thinks Twitter is dumb. He is better about the phone stuff. They both respond to email, though, even though we text if we need to get in touch quickly. I think that the older needs to use email a lot for work, so it's a habit.

[OakLeaf]

Good luck Muirenn! Sounds exciting!

[Crankin]

Good luck, Murienn. Yeah, it's better to go the whole route, where you can get financial aid. My grad program cost just slightly less than that per class, so I feel your pain.
What do you plan to do with the degree? I have no idea what a degree in sustainability really entails.

[salsabike]

Go Muirenn!

[ny biker]

Good luck!!!

[Pax]

Muirenn, that sounds really interesting, hope you enjoy it.

[Pax]

We made it, we officially live at the beach in Florida!!

It was a looooong three day drive with my newly bionic knee, icing was a challenge so it was just swollen and sore most of the time. But we're here, I'm prolly iced and comfy, and we already made a pilgrimage to our favorite beach dump for a burger and a beer!

[OakLeaf]

Yayyyy! Made it ahead of the Memorial Day traffic, too. :D

Enjoy!

[ny biker]

We made it, we officially live at the beach in Florida!!

It was a looooong three day drive with my newly bionic knee, icing was a challenge so it was just swollen and sore most of the time. But we're here, I'm prolly iced and comfy, and we already made a pilgrimage to our favorite beach dump for a burger and a beer!


Congrats!!

[Crankin]

Congrats, Pax.
Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me, because I am worried that when I finally stop working (again), the same thing is going to happen as when I tried to stop working a few years ago. Right now I love the combination of working part time and having days off during the week. But, I get really bored on some of my days off. Not all of the time, but enough that it worries me. I already know that I can't do really long rides every day, so I imagine I will be doing a bit more hiking when I finally stop working. And I really don't like the idea of volunteering. It always has felt like slave labor to me, and most of the time it also felt like they were taking advantage of a hostage population of educated women who weren't working. I know that's not politically correct, but the only volunteering I've been able to sustain (for 10 years, actually) is leading rides for AMC. I just don't know a lot of people who aren't working, except for some of the crazy cyclist guys I ride with, and they are always going off doing long rides and/or tours without their spouses. DH is probably going to work 7 more years and since I am 3 years older than him, I am not sure I want to keep working all of that time. Just a thought...

[Crankin]

Well, that was my thought when I changed careers, because I can do this as long as I can talk and write. Several people just retired from my clinic and they are in their late 70s. However, in order for me to keep working, I have to take 30 CEUs every 2 years, so that is a cost and time to maintain my license. I guess it's not a huge deal and it would be easy to go down to one or two days where I work.
My dad worked until he was 85 or so and my mom's dad worked until the day he died, from the after effects of a car accident, when he was 91. He made most of his $ after the age of 65, and his colleagues were continually bugging him to give up his customers to them (he was a scrap metal dealer). But, in my head, there's a lot of stuff I want to do, yet when I have the time to do things, I seem to get stuck in my patterns of doing whatever I do now! I think part of it, is that I have spent a lot of time making my career such a huge part of my life and insisting I could never be a stay at home mom (which is true), that I get truly antsy unless i am busy and have plans all of the time.

[ny biker]

I don't think I will ever be able to retire. I've been putting money into retirement accounts for years but the magic of compound interest that I read about when I was younger appears to be no more real than unicorns.

But I have many friends who are retired and are very busy. Some ride bikes almost every day but others have also taken up activities like kayaking. Some travel a lot.

I don't think of volunteering as slave labor. I guess it depends on where you volunteer and what you're doing.

[rebeccaC]

I've always tried to have some volunteer work in my life. I certainly don’t look at it as slave labor. I feel privileged to be able to work with others who have the same interest in having a positive effect in our community. Lots of good caring work wouldn’t get done without it. At the moment i volunteer with an organization that helps women who are victimized by sex trafficking and street prostitution exit the lifestyle. It has given me much satisfaction, heartache and given me many positive moments of caring and compassion.

I'm also lucky to work for a company that encourages volunteering and helps with our ability to do it. It’s seen as providing creativity, motivation and vision that can carry over into our professional life. We have a monthly meeting with those doing it to share our experiences, think through problems we are encountering and help each other network into new areas.

I think my volunteering work has given me valuable insight into many things that i wouldn't normally have knowledge of....


We made it, we officially live at the beach in Florida!!

that makes me :)

[Crankin]

Well, I still see it as unpaid labor because what you are doing for your volunteer work, Rebecca, is part of what I do for my paid work. Most of my work is with victims of trauma and I love it! So, why should I do it for free? Perhaps that sounds cold, but when you are a volunteer, you have a commitment to the work just like in a paid job. Anything that I would be interested in (like helping victims of violence, etc), would be what I am already getting paid for. I will keep doing the volunteer work for AMC, in leading rides, but they do have some other stuff I could do, as does the other bike club I belong to.
I guess you guys haven't had much experience volunteering for schools or religious organizations :). I did tons of work for the Jewish Community Center when my kids went to preschool there, in AZ, and it was fun, because all of my friends were on the board, too. But, as soon as I moved here, anything I did for their schools and my synagogue just annoyed the heck out of me. I wanted to keep volunteering, but since I had a very involved career as a teacher and 2 young kids, I stopped. Once, after I had spent a whole summer setting up vendors, etc. for a holdiay boutique, and hardly anyone came to buy, the head of the committee told me, "Oh I knew no one would come." What the f***? I worked my butt off and I gave up a considerable amount of free time, doing something I knew nothing about. My last effort in volunteering was when I was on the school council during my DS #2 last 2 years of high school. The parents and the entitled students (since it was HS, there were kids on the council) made me feel like crap, because I didn't spend my whole life volunteering for the town or the school. I always wanted to hear what the teachers were saying... finally when a kid told me during a presentation that "Kids in AP classes don't need small classes or special (good) teaching strategies," I just about blew a gasket. Went home, and thankfully, my son told me that kid was a misogynist azzhole.
I will probably do other sports, too, with more free time, as well as travel. We've already upped our travel a lot, because, well, you just never know.

[rebeccaC]

yeah, it does sound a little cold to me….but then i’ve had nothing but positive feelings about the volunteer work i’ve done. Over the years i’ve volunteered with Planned Parenthood, on peace and justice issues, LGBT issues since i was a teen and now with what i'm doing....i see it as just part of my wanting to help empower others and serve my community in a positive way rather than in personal financial and slave labor terms. I and others who volunteer with me (a few psychiatrists included) in what i'm doing now prefer the money that would go for our work go to the programs we have in place for those in serious need of them.

[Crankin]

I guess what I am saying is that my career is heavily weighed toward peace/justice work, working with LBGT populations, trauma victims. So, I don't feel the need to volunteer in this area, as I would want to volunteer in doing something different. It's hard enough to to engage in good self care for my job, so I can be "there" for my clients; I've always been good at separating the different spheres of my life and I really don't want to add in volunteer work in this area. Perhaps you get treated better as a volunteer for a non profit social service agency than religious orgs or public schools. I seriously wish we could somehow just spend more money on these services so more professionals could work in these fields and they (especially public schools) would not have to depend so much on volunteers. I suspect people who work more in the corporate world would enjoy volunteering in this sector, because it's so different from their daily life.
This is my give back career. I chose to work in a community mental health clinic and not open a private practice, where I could easily make 5X what I make now. But, I have to admit, sometimes it pisses me off that my work is not valued. Most of my classmates who graduated with me in 2011 have opened their own practices, at least on a part time basis.
My experience has been that women volunteers are often taken advantage of. There's a huge pool of educated women around here, who don't work. They volunteer and a lot of it just ends up in judgmental in fighting. The paid workers directing them know they have a captive audience.
It comes down to the fact that I like being busy and my non-work life needs to be different from my work life. That's why I like leading rides. It's totally different from my work, but I can use skills I have. I don't feel put out by even the mundane parts of it and i can laugh about unprepared riders, etc. It doesn't feel like work. And any volunteer job I have needs to not feel like work. I haven't found anything else that meets that requirement.
I'm being honest. I am not perfect. I want to be happy when I work less, and so far, that has eluded me. I've spent my whole life in careers that focused on helping and I don't need to prove myself.

[rebeccaC]

muirenn...Good field to be educated in for working the next couple of decades!!!....even with the extended time, online courses open a world to many who wouldn't have it otherwise....and interesting continuing education for many too.

Are there any of the Penn's Sustainable Communities Collaborative projects in your area?

[emily_in_nc]

Pax: Congratulations! I know you've waited for this for a long time. I wish you much happiness in your new life in Florida.

[shootingstar]

Crankin, it is healthy to do volunteer work that one enjoys and is quite different from one's job.
I haven't done any for past 5 yrs. and don't feel up to until I get my normal sleeping patterns back.

[Catrin]

Good luck Murieen, how exciting!

Pax,.so glad to read you are happily ensconced on the beach :)

Crankin, I doubt that I will ever be able to afford to retire. That is just the way it is. That being said, I've not had good experiences with volunteer work myself so I totally get what you are saying. I would like to do some volunteer work if I can find a good fit with my skills and interests, but that remains to be seen. I will likely just have a change of career at some point and cut my working hours.

[Crankin]

Thank you, Catrin. I know I should keep my volunteer efforts bike related. And I also know that I am lucky to be able to work part time now. The thing is, if I wasn't married, I would have probably kept teaching and would have retired at 55, with a decent pension. It scares me to think how lost I might have been! Right now, I don't need to do more than I am doing, but if I cut down work more, I will. And frankly, to hear so many of you say you won't be able to retire makes me sad, because I know how hard everyone works. While it may not be a popular thing to say, money is power and freedom, too. It doesn't mean that people with more money are better, just that it gives one choices in life.

[VeganBikeChick]

So true, and as a single person, I have even less freedom. Society is weighted towards families with kids. Whatever tax breaks and other incentives exist, they are not for single people with one income. Unfair, considering a married couple has far greater earning potential than I have, but they have only one set of living costs. (Unless you count number of bikes! ;)). I pay so much in taxes, and have zero help from anyone.

Sometimes I wish there was a child-free tax incentive ;)

[Crankin]

I don't disagree with you on this. The tax code was written for a different time!

[ny biker]

I guess what I am saying is that my career is heavily weighed toward peace/justice work, working with LBGT populations, trauma victims. So, I don't feel the need to volunteer in this area, as I would want to volunteer in doing something different. It's hard enough to to engage in good self care for my job, so I can be "there" for my clients; I've always been good at separating the different spheres of my life and I really don't want to add in volunteer work in this area. Perhaps you get treated better as a volunteer for a non profit social service agency than religious orgs or public schools. I seriously wish we could somehow just spend more money on these services so more professionals could work in these fields and they (especially public schools) would not have to depend so much on volunteers. I suspect people who work more in the corporate world would enjoy volunteering in this sector, because it's so different from their daily life.
This is my give back career. I chose to work in a community mental health clinic and not open a private practice, where I could easily make 5X what I make now. But, I have to admit, sometimes it pisses me off that my work is not valued. Most of my classmates who graduated with me in 2011 have opened their own practices, at least on a part time basis.
My experience has been that women volunteers are often taken advantage of. There's a huge pool of educated women around here, who don't work. They volunteer and a lot of it just ends up in judgmental in fighting. The paid workers directing them know they have a captive audience.
It comes down to the fact that I like being busy and my non-work life needs to be different from my work life. That's why I like leading rides. It's totally different from my work, but I can use skills I have. I don't feel put out by even the mundane parts of it and i can laugh about unprepared riders, etc. It doesn't feel like work. And any volunteer job I have needs to not feel like work. I haven't found anything else that meets that requirement.
I'm being honest. I am not perfect. I want to be happy when I work less, and so far, that has eluded me. I've spent my whole life in careers that focused on helping and I don't need to prove myself.

There are definitely volunteer positions that suck and others that don't, for all sorts of reasons. Probably one of the biggest reasons is the people you interact with while you're volunteering.

Right now the only volunteering that I do is for the bike club, which is much more of a fun thing than a "contribute to society" thing. I'm also involved with one of the committees that support the condo association where I live. I did help out at a fundraising bike ride last September and will probably help them again this year. It's a big 2-day event to raise money for the cancer treatment centers at several local hospitals. Last year I helped with the breakdown of the ride finish location, doing things like folding and stacking chairs and tables, taking down tents and signs, stuff like that.

I agree that many volunteer positions are important enough that they should be paid jobs.

[Pax]

Pax: Congratulations! I know you've waited for this for a long time. I wish you much happiness in your new life in Florida.




Pax,.so glad to read you are happily ensconced on the beach :)

.
Thanks! We're still pretty excited, yesterday was housekeeping chores like drivers license, car insurance, banking, voter registration, applying for our Homestead Exemption, and plates for the car... busy day but now we're official residents!

[shootingstar]

Exactly.

And if I were married and my spouse worked and made a little less than me, my tax-rate would be much lower, can't remember the numbers, exactly, but I think I'm at 35% federal, and it would be half or less? Can't remember so don't hold it against me, but I looked it up a couple of years ago and was sickened by it. I'd love someone to help me pay bills AND get a tax break. And really. The population growth rate is dependable, we don't need to reward it. (Yeah, yeah, it costs a lot to raise kids. But why should I have to raise yours?!!!!).

I understand about the tax breaks which do exist in Canada for people with children. But it requires a parents to save money for child's (university or college) education (RESP) or spend money (for some limited sports activities). The tax-savings for family with children aren't that huge in Canada. In the end, the parent(s) have to spend that saved money (hopefully) for clothing, school supplies, computer, etc. I actually think nowadays, it costs more money to raise a child. Just technology requirements alone is an expense /tool that never existed when I grew up.

However, I'm glad to have parents raise their children...to become future taxpayers. We have to remember this.. The cost of raising children is very real. (It continues to floor me parent(s) who foot a huge bill for university education which was not the trend a few decades ago...at least not among my middle-class friends.) Of course it depends how a parent will place financial independence on adult child after they leave home...

[OakLeaf]

Meh, I'd rather see tax rates made fairer between wealthy vs working people, than set people against each other based on their differing family situations.

When DH and I first got together, his income was literally ten times mine, and I was paying a higher overall tax rate. Things haven't changed substantially since then. When people with children can afford to pay for their day care without taking a third job, then *maybe* I'll worry about what they pay in taxes.

[Pax]

Actually, married couples without kids get a substantial tax break.

We learned this when we got to file as married for the first time this year, we got an extra $800 back over what we would have gotten filing as single.

[salsabike]

.....when we got to file as married for the first time this year.....

Pax, :) :) :).

[katluvr]

I am only 51 but seriously want to retire! I have been working in health care since I was 19. Just tired of work. I want to play. And play before I get too old to enjoy. Tired of healthcare politics, cut backs, hierarchy in hospitals, etc. Planning to see a financial planner soon and look at what is possible between me and my SO (soon to be "wife"--another topic!). So since I have a variable schedule now, I am off during the week when it's my weekend to work. So today I am bit bored. Why? Well I need to clean the house and I don't' want to. So I procrastinate. I think if I was "retired" I would have plenty of things to do, not just house chores but then I could plan activities and with people off during the week. I am pretty sure I"ll go part-time or retire before my SO, even if I am younger. But every now and then I think how important it is to have a semi-schedule and activities to keep one busy and active. I'm not sure work is what I need to give me a long life.
So if I didn't feel guilty that I SHOULD be cleaning house or doing something productive on my day off, I would probabablly not be "bored" or procrastinating or wasting time surfing on the computer!
As for volunteer work, I am not sure about that either. I have a friend who retired and she now works as a volunteer at our hospital. Sure she rounds with the play cart and give toys, etc to the kids. But I think if I quit the hospital I would not volunteer there. I have another couple of RN friends who now do a volunteer program specifically for nurses who have retired. They do some of the hands on care, shaving, ambulating, feeding of patients. Things nurses no longer have time to do. Although worthwhile, I too, feel like that is free-labor. And volunteering at an animal shelter is way to dangerous for me!!;)

K

[Crankin]

Back to a previous topic.
It appears that there is likely going to be a "celebration of life" gathering for the ex-bf who committed suicide last month. It's being put together by the same woman who worked with him on our "60th birthday year celebration/not reunion," in 2013. I didn't know her as a kid, but she seems lovely. She lives out of state, but is up for planning this with the other person who helped before, someone I do know.
It's going to be the day after I get back from France, which will be tough. However, my question is, should I bring DH? It's not a reunion, although it will feel like one. DH has been to 3 other reunions with me and fits in quite well with this crowd. DH met him several times and welcomed him into our home. It just feels a bit weird to me. And, depending on who is there, it might get weirder.

[OakLeaf]

A couple of weeks ago I went to a Death Café (http://deathcafe.com/) (highly recommended, AFAIC there's just a crying need for such denial-free zones in our culture) - but anyway, one of the participants, who works at a funeral home, mentioned a statistic that 65% of attendees at funerals didn't know the deceased. They go to support the bereaved. I don't see any reason why your DH shouldn't go. If it does get weird, you'll probably be glad for his presence, no?

[Crankin]

I think you are right, Oak. After a few FB messages last night, it is still up in the air if this thing will happen.
But, the best thing is, that my close friend, who lives in Richmond, VA is coming up the same weekend. I have not seen her since January, 1972. We will go together, if it happens, so it might be a moot point, about DH. He probably would not think it strange if I went with her, and our other good friend, who lives not so far from me.
I guess I am just afraid that if I am asked to speak, I might get emotional, and while I know DH would not take it the wrong way, I guess I like to keep the different parts of my life separate. In the end, it doesn't really matter. If anything, all of this has given me a chance to reconnect more with my roots, something I never could have predicted, even 15 years ago. I denied this part of my life for so long, when, in reality, this was the part of my life that had the most influence on me.

[OakLeaf]

Congratulations!!

Good luck with the funding search.

[Crankin]

Congrats and so thrilled for you! It's worth it, both time and the money.

[Catrin]

Congratulations, yayyyy for you! Good luck on your research for funding, it will be worth it.

[Pax]

Sweet!! Vey happy for you.

[Sky King]

Good for you!

Thanks, Everyone!

I really didn't think I'd get in. :D Everyone's good wishes when I asked for them here must have helped.

[ny biker]

From a meeting at work yesterday:

Me: to fix this error we need to add single quotation marks around the variable name in the query.

Manager: So we need to add a semi-colon.

Sigh.

P.s. Congrats to Sheila!!

[katluvr]

NY Biker,
Not sure if this is similar to your punctuation (or in your case "coding"?) confusion. But a doctor friend of mine was taking a history of a patient and also asked for the spelling of the child's name. I don't remember the name but when she spell it it out she said: L-A -"top common"-K-e- etc…. Instead of staying apostrophe, it's "top comma"

Always makes me giggle now when I see a name like that.

[ny biker]

NY Biker,
Not sure if this is similar to your punctuation (or in your case "coding"?) confusion. But a doctor friend of mine was taking a history of a patient and also asked for the spelling of the child's name. I don't remember the name but when she spell it it out she said: L-A -"top common"-K-e- etc…. Instead of staying apostrophe, it's "top comma"

Always makes me giggle now when I see a name like that.

I like "top comma" -- it sounds like common sense to me, and is easier to spell and pronounce than "apostrophe."

I really can't figure out if people here don't understand what I am saying or if they are just not listening (or bothering to read my emails.) It happens pretty often. If I say "this actually has nothing to do with apples, the problem happens when we try to peel an orange" the response I get is "so I should test apples?"

[lph]

I like "top comma" -- it sounds like common sense to me, and is easier to spell and pronounce than "apostrophe."

I really can't figure out if people here don't understand what I am saying or if they are just not listening (or bothering to read my emails.) It happens pretty often. If I say "this actually has nothing to do with apples, the problem happens when we try to peel an orange" the response I get is "so I should test apples?"

This happens to me all the time. And to my dh too. It never ceases to amaze us how many people who cannot absorb information given in writing. Or who consider written information sort of a vague guideline, something that needs to be confirmed in person. I have coworkers who will ask me something by email, I'll answer concisely and to the point, and THEN they'll come over to me to hem and ha until I repeat the answer in person.

I'm getting a little better at giving that information in the first place. By, for instance, by capitalizing the most important phrase in an email, or by repeating essential info. But in conversation I think very many people only listen for a split second, then answer to what they THINK you're talking about, rather than what you're actually talking about. And a lot of the time they're thinking more about what to answer next than actually listening.

If they seem to be thinking a lot about apples, it takes a moment to really park the apples and get on to oranges :-)

[OakLeaf]

What happened in Charleston is beyond words. But I don't want to convey the impression that it's not on anyone's mind. How I envy those who are still capable of rage and hope; I am reduced to grief.

[salsabike]

Oak, I have all three of those.

[Crankin]

I had the most amazing visit with my best friend from my teen years, who was in town. We met for breakfast Saturday morning, then she came to my house to meet DH. On Sunday, we went to a celebration of life luncheon for my HS boyfriend, along with our other good friend, who I do see every so often.
Her life has been good, but hard. When I met her, at the beginning of 7th grade, her dad had just died and her mom moved the family to our town, from the inner city. I never realized how much she was affected by having a working, single mother, in the 60s. I mean, no one was even divorced or moved when I was a kid. It turns out, it was probably a blessing her dad died of cancer at age 35, because he had the Huntington's Chorea gene. Both of her siblings have the disease and she was here to visit them. One is on life support and her husband is insisting on this. Her brother lives in a state hospital and is doing well. I can't imagine this. She ended up marrying her high school bf and having 2 kids after they moved to Richmond, and then they divorced. She had some rough years as a single mom, but has a very good career as a federal defender paralegal, and is now remarried.
The weirdest thing is that we speak and sound exactly the same! We even swear the same way. There were several points in our conversations, where we said the exact same thing. I was able to talk about things I haven't discussed in years.
At the end of the luncheon, the 3 of us stayed and talked with 3 other women who were there. We talked about all of the crazy sh!t we did as kids, despite the fact we weren't really bad kids. One of the other women was astounded when she heard me describe some of this stuff... she thought I was a perfect angel. I haven't laughed so hard in a long, long time.

[Pax]

That is a hoot! :p

[rebeccaC]

:)'ing at muirenn

[Helene2013]

Love it Muirenn...I'll share too on my desk wall. haha

[Pax]

My wife and I just had breakfast at a locals joint down by the beach, as we were waiting for our food an aging suffer dude came in with three young girls, maybe 14-15 years old. He sat them right next to us and proceeded to pontificate about the ills of women in sports, said it was just unwatchable; then he started enumerating "women's basketball is **** ball, softball, don't get me started! Lez-dyk * ball". This went on for a couple of minutes until I turned around and said COULD YOU GIVE IT A REST! He acted all offended and said "what" I today him the repeatedly saying ****... This started him on a childish "oh I'm sorry I said **** ****". The waitress finally kicked him out and he called us **** a few more times on his way out.


I knew I'd run into this when we moved to a smaller southern coastal town, but it's still disappointing.

[Crankin]

Oy.
There are morons everywhere, but I lived in the south long enough to know the probability is a little bit higher there. I got tired of being told I was going to burn in hell for not believing in a variety of things.
Try to enjoy your day!

[OakLeaf]

So sad for the daughters. Sorry you two had to hear that.

Good on the waitress and management, though.

[Trek420]

We're nearly to 2,000,000 views on TD. Long live TD. :p

[Crankin]

Going to try and revive this thread, since I have 2 pieces of news that seem appropriate for here. I miss the conversation on this thread!
First, we have been trying to decide, where our future living quarters will be, when we sell our house. We really love western MA, but don't want to move there after DH retires, with no experience living there, except for vacations. We started looking at real estate there, and then started casually looking at condos/townhouses here, too, just in ads. We finally decided that we are good with having 2 small homes for awhile, so we can make a good decision and take our time deciding. DH had been very against townhome living, but came to see my point of view, on his own, really. So, Sunday we went out to look at 4 condos in Concord and Acton. We had never been to an open house in Massachusetts; wow, totally overwhelming. Lots of young couples, families with kids trying to get into communities with good schools, and people moving here from other countries, mixed in with a few couples like us. So, cut to the chase, we are now the (almost) owners of a 2 bedroom/2 bath condo, with a loft, den/sunroom, and full unfinished basement, about 6 miles from where we live now. It's on the edge of west Concord, about 2 miles from the village, 15 units, and very flat roads! We will put our house up for sale at our leisure, and when it sells, pay off the rest of the condo. The good thing is, we can do the renovations we need to do, before we have all of our stuff in there. It's not anything major, though, just take down some ugly wallpaper and paint the bathrooms and kitchen, new appliances and counters/vanities. There is beautiful hardwood throughout. We haven't told anyone yet...
My other news is that my former exchange student called me yesterday, to tell me that I am "kinda going to be a grandmother." I was really surprised! They are moving back to the US next month, to California, where she is from. He has his immigrant visa all set. When I asked him how his mom reacted to the news, he told me that she had a "typical Germanic reaction, like yeah, so what, so I called you right away." In an email to my DH, he said that he hopes his kid will "be smarter than me and do something else besides ride a bike."

[IBrakeforPastry]

Congratulations, Crankin, on both pieces of news! I know we've talked about Cape Cod before, and although I don't think I want to live right on the Cape, I do often think of moving back to New England. Have fun renovating!

[Helene2013]

Congrats!

We are just 5 years (if not sooner) from young retirement and this is a "regular" conversation at home too. I want this type of living and he wants something - but not sure yet. But his "dreams" are much bigger than mine. I just want minimal and be freer of my time. I could care about home ownership anymore. At least in the current form. I'd live in my motorhome, in Canada in summer and in USA in winter. No more "maintenance". Just need to find what will suit us both. But next summer, our month vacation will probably be planned in trying out different parts of West Canada to see if we'd like it enough. It is a big move when you're over 3000km from your original place. A big change. For me, I was "raised" staying all over Canada. But hubby never moved until he moved in with me and it was always near his childhood area. And for him to move where not a lot of French (alhtough he does ok in English), is much harder. Me...bah...anywhere in North America I'm good. hihi

[shootingstar]

Hope renos for your condo goes well, Crankin and sale of present home at a good price.

Most likely Helene, you and hubby might do best living somewhere in Canada that's not too far from an urban centre that's diverse. I was surprised to learn of some historic francophone towns in Saskatchewan and Alberta.. One just never heard about them in the news/history books when I lived In Ontario. The level of awareness about francophones right now here in southern Alberta, strikes me as low. People here don't think of govn't services in French....whereas in Ontario there was some awareness.

My preference honestly is to live an urban area of Canada that is quite diverse in its local people and cultural offerings. I don't want to be in old age stuck in hearing/learning in 1 local perspective and people dominated by a similar background. I have a good close friend who is close to 80 in Toronto and I can see her own vitality, in addition to her interests, she loves learning..and that has been gained by meeting people from a wide spectrum of backgrounds regularily. She no longer travels outside of T.O. much because of cost, no longer has a car...but a strong network of friends who help and who also like her, want to keep on learning.

[Crankin]

Real estate person is coming tomorrow, to help us set price, etc for our house. Sadly, the woman we used for all of our other homes here died about 7-8 years ago. She was the best. We will use the woman who sold us the condo, who appears to be similar. Houses in our neighborhood have been selling quite well this summer. But, we are always realistic about price!
I also prefer to stay near an area where there are cultural activities and lots of restaurants, as well as good cycling. While Great Barrington in the Berkshires is a town, it has an awesome downtown, in a rural setting, and near all of the cultural attractions, and is a 4 season recreational paradise. The down side is, that despite being in Massachusetts, the area is overrun with New Yorkers, from the city. That can be a bit much for a New Englander like me, but, it's mostly second home owners. However, I just am not sure I want to make a permanant move away from here, as I just love it. If we can swing having 2 places, at least while I am still young enough, that's what I want. DH now thinks he will retire at 62, which is only 3 years away. We will see. I am not sure if I want to permanently stop working, even then, because if I stop, I still need to take continuing ed to keep my license up. I will be almost 65 when he retires, so I really don't know. I could easily work 1-2 days a week in either place.

[Catrin]

Congratulations Crankin, and good luck with everything!

[OakLeaf]

Good luck! That's a big step. It's nice there are condos with space for all your toys - that was the limiting factor when we were shopping. We don't need the living space of a house, but there just weren't condos with storage space, and a lot of them only even had one parking space, so we'd have had to use that for motorcycles and park the car off-site, never mind they usually forbid wrenching (even wrenching on bicycles that don't have a lot of potentially toxic fluids) in shared garages.

FWIW, I kept my license active for two biennial cycles before I came to terms with being retired. It was worth the expense and hassle of taking the CLE, just to be able to process the decision at my own pace.

[Pax]

Sounds like a nice place, Crankin. Plenty of room but less yard stuff to deal with, sounds like a great choice for retirement.

[Crankin]

Oak, we will not have a garage. Some of the units have one; we do have 2 parking spaces, and the lot is plowed by someone else! I have come to terms with cleaning snow off of my car, because it has everything else. The basement is huge. We will be taking a couple of bigger pieces of furniture to store down there (dining room table for one), as well as all of our tools/outdoor clean up stuff, as we may end up buying a small house, instead of a condo in the Berkshires. It seems silly to get rid of this stuff now, when we have room for it. The only furniture we need to get rid of is the kids' bedroom sets and the 2 chairs in the living room, which I know my son here will want. We will use our living set for the smaller sunroom (can't believe it still is in good shape after 35 years) and our family room stuff will be perfect for the living room. We will have to buy a couple of chairs, for that.

[shootingstar]

Good luck! That's a big step. It's nice there are condos with space for all your toys - that was the limiting factor when we were shopping. We don't need the living space of a house, but there just weren't condos with storage space, and a lot of them only even had one parking space, so we'd have had to use that for motorcycles and park the car off-site, never mind they usually forbid wrenching (even wrenching on bicycles that don't have a lot of potentially toxic fluids) in shared garages.

FWIW, I kept my license active for two biennial cycles before I came to terms with being retired. It was worth the expense and hassle of taking the CLE, just to be able to process the decision at my own pace.

You mean your license for lawyering?

My partner gets ticked off at engineers who have long given up (many years) of being an engineer but still wear the iron ring. He believes it's wrong and false, they would have difficult doing certain fundamental engineering calculations, applying certain technical concepts, etc. He himself gave up renewing his license about 1 decade into his working career before moving into pure management.

As for condo storage..yes it's tighter.
I don't have a car but I rent out my parking space. Covers the annual property tax and much...more for the parking space itself.

[Crankin]

There is ample parking (2 spaces or a garage+ one space) for everyone at the condo, and it is only 15 units, so no renting out spaces needed here. I think that is a thing done in cities.
We are moving along in the process. Signed the P&S last night; the closing is 9/28. Our agent is coming over early Monday morning before work, to make a final decision about setting the selling price for our house. After her tour on Wednesday, she said we don't really need to do anything, except get more lighting in the kids' bedrooms (they've never been used, really), which we have already ordered and move DH's shoe tree somewhere else, out of his closet. It was pretty funny when I told her he is the male version of Ismelda Marcos. He had already taken all of his other shoes off of the bookshelf in DS #2 room. DH is doing a bit of touch up painting, too.

[emily_in_nc]

Congratulations, Crankin -- that is exciting! Hope everything goes well with the condo purchase and house sale.

[shootingstar]

So I've emailed photographs of 3 different paintings I've made and asked niece, bride, which one they would like as one of my gifts for their wedding.

And they are mixed media abstracts, although you could use your imagination. Yes, art is tough since it's so personal taste-sensitive. Not sure she is the type to demand representational paintings --paintings that need to mirror what one sees in the real world.

[Crankin]

Nice gift idea! Still trying to get some of DIL's art work for my office.
Getting annoyed with all aspects of the home selling process. In 10 years, things have changed. DH took Friday off, so we could do a metric, and now we have to be home all morning for the "stager" to come and tell us what to do, for the open houses. We already know what to do, and my home is minimalist compared to some of the crap we see. Then, I have to miss various group rides for the septic inspection, floor plan drawer, etc. Our agent is telling us people are skittish because of the market, so everything has to be perfect. I already know to take my personal pictures down, and remove crap from the counter. Our house is somewhat unusual for New England, so I guess she is being realistic, but still, it annoys me. Also, I seem to keep meeting "old ladies, "(which I loathe to include myself in this group) who live in condos in West Concord. None of them are specifically for older people, but I hope I don't end up living with a bunch of half dead people!

[snapdragen]

"(which I loathe to include myself in this group)"

I get this! I was at the gym this morning, looking at all the "gray hairs" working out, sadly I think I fit right in. :D

[Crankin]

When my blonde hair got really brown, I started highlighting it, until I cut it short. Now I just get it colored every 8 weeks. I really have very little grey, just a few strands near my temple, in the part. The blonde makes it invisible. I have no intention of going grey for a long time. First I thought I'd consider it at 65, but now that doesn't seem so far away. Maybe 70? I know we've discussed this here ad nauseum. My take is that if you have beautiful skin and coloring, grey can look OK. Between my freckles and other stuff, no thank you. I may be seen as vain, but the whole idea of looking old creeps me out. I have good genes and pray for the best. I don't want to look 20 or 30, just as nice as my grandmothers looked when they died at 91 and 92. My mom looked super young for her age, until right before she got sick and died quite young, at 67. I don't need to make friends with my new neighbors, just be nice and say hi. From what I've seen, they won't be joining me on 50 mile rides or at Tabatta.

[OakLeaf]

I hate to even say it, but I think it's wise to have a pool of non-athletic friends, if for no other reason than just in case. When I got hurt, a lot of my social life went right out the window. It was kind of a double whammy, and not a good one.

[Crankin]

I do have non-athletic friends, Oak. It's been an effort for me to maintain the friendships, but I've known them for 25 years. One thing that's different for me now, as opposed to when I was younger, is that I am not friends with people I work with. I used to socialize a lot with other teachers, but as the years went by, that got less and less. There is one woman from my old school that I am in contact with and that I see a few times a year. The others are just Facebook friends now! She actually is pretty active, and we usually go on local hikes or go out to dinner.
I guess I never realized what a sub culture there is in the place I live. I was sort of aware of a large number of older women in West Concord village, when I went to the natural foods store (the place you went to), but I didn't realize they all lived around there. Since I consciously planned not to buy a condo in an over 55 place, it seems like that happened despite my decision. We did look at a place in a huge complex that was very diverse in terms of age, etc., but it needed a ton of work and did have a more apartment like feel. And that has a rep as the place where all of the divorced men go.

[OakLeaf]

the place where all of the divorced men go.

Ha! :D

[Crankin]

Yeah, it's true. At least a few from my synagogue that I know.
I am going to use this forum as my rant space. What kind of person becomes a "stager?", as in the person that comes to your house, before you put it up for sale and tells you all kinds of stuff that doesn't really apply to me. This woman has been told that we are minimalists, we will take all personal photographs down, there are no pets, and no kids have ever lived here. Some of the other things are: 90% of stuff of the kitchen counter should be gone, must have decorative pillows on the beds (as well as 2 pillows on a twin bed), and white sheets. Are they kidding? I don't have decorative anything. I do have 4 pillows on our bed, but the kids' beds (20 and 30 years old) only have one. No white sheets. No rugs, either. OK, I'll take the bath mat out of my bathroom, and leave a puddle of water for the open house. I put away the food processor and stuck the knives in a cabinet. It was very clear no knives should be out (Why? Do they fear murder?). Leaving the toaster oven, can opener, and ceramic holder with cooking utensils out. Gee, I actually cook, almost every night. And she better not touch my coffee/espresso machine.
This woman is coming with people to "move stuff." They won't be moving anything here. We don't have too much stuff!
DH told her that I may not be here, as I am not a fan. Some of this is common sense stuff, but really, have people become so weird that having a bath mat out would make them not buy a house? All of the other townhomes we looked at had tons of ugly stuff and personal pictures, except the one we bought, as they have already moved. The first house we bought in Massachusetts had ants in the dishwasher and a junk car in the yard.
On a fun note, I cleaned out my desk at home, and found lots of cool pictures of some of my classes when I was teaching. I can barely remember some of the kids, and it hasn't been that long.

[Pax]

HGTV has changed the game, everyone thinks they have to have granite countertops and an "open concept main floor". The whole thing irritates me, a generation or so ago parents raised a family in a small 2-3 bedroom house with one bathroom, now everyone in the family "needs" their own bathroom.

I guess I understand why so many people, when asked about retirement, reply "I can never retire, can't afford it".

[emily_in_nc]

Probably depends on how competitive the market is where you are. In a seller's market, you wouldn't need to do all that crap, just keep it neat and tidy and de-cluttered -- and that's more than most sellers do. In a buyer's market, then yes, I can see that you might have to do more. But really, white sheets only and some of that other stuff is just silly to me. I do agree, though, that HGTV shows like "House Hunters" have raised buyer's expectations, at least in certain parts of the country.

And of course, you don't have to do anything at all, but if you want to sell faster and for top dollar...still, we have never had anyone but our listing agent give us advice (which usually amounted to "you're doing everything right, no need to change a thing"). We've never had a stager. I guess that's what they're paid to do, so they feel that they have to offer advice, even if you're actually doing everything (or close to it) right.

[shootingstar]

HGTV has changed the game, everyone thinks they have to have granite countertops and an "open concept main floor". The whole thing irritates me, a generation or so ago parents raised a family in a small 2-3 bedroom house with one bathroom, now everyone in the family "needs" their own bathroom.

Yea I grew up a house with 1 bathroom for 8 people. In southern Ontario.
For a private conversation, I sometimes had to sit on the bathroom floor and close the door? What does one expect of a teenager? REally no more weirder than people on cellphone in bathroom.

And yes we had 1 phone in house.

I'm beginning to sound "old". :D But there are still enough people who live like this in North America.

I still have lots in common with long-time non-athletic friends. However still, they try to be active themselves. I think we have inspired each other over the years.... Professionally 2 closest friends who graduate from the same faculty, same university, same year 3 of us..have taken risk to have worked for several different(5-8) employers, have moved cities for jobs and hence, haven't built up comfy pension for early retirement, from working for only 1-2 employers.

[Crankin]

Basically, in my town, it is a sellers market, with houses ending up in bidding wars, over the asking price. It is a very desirable place to live, with good schools, 2 villages with shops and restaurants, and 2 commuter rail stops. And that's not counting the history and natural beauty. We have the granite counter tops, marble shower, tile floors, and hardwood. However, this is New England, and so our house and whole neighborhood, is not the norm, with the norm being an 8 room, 4 bedroom, 2.5 bath colonial home, with a large grass lawn. We have a 10 room, 4 bedroom, 3.5 bath, 4 story contemporary home, on a hill, with no grass. This is not a house for little kids, although for me, it would have been fine. Our kitchen/eating area is extremely modern, but no "open concept," in that our family room is on a different level. Other owners of this home used our kitchen eating area for a family room, as the dining room and kitchen are kind of "open," but they also had a ton of junk downstairs, where we have our family room. We have priced it very competitively, much lower than we wanted to, on the advice of our agent. People get excited when they see a home in this town, under a certain price point. The house is priced similar to the one across the street, that just sold.
The stager is part of the package with our agent. I like this woman, but I am missing our agent we used in the past, who died. Her husband took the photo shoot and she told us to take down the pictures (some) and move a couple of chairs. Of course, my last house was the most typical one you could find, with a beautiful custom screened porch that added a lot.
I think I've decided I will either ride my bike to the farm and get my fruits and veggies for the week, or drive to the farm and the grocery store to shop, while the woman is here. Might add in a coffee stop, too. DH thinks I am focusing too much on the "what kind of person becomes a stager?" thing. My answer to this question is very judgmental, so I will let it rest.

[Aromig]

I have a friend who just sold her house in Melrose. It sold within three days of being listed, they had five or six offers all of them above asking price. They ended up accepting the offer for $50K above their asking price. Yes, I think you definitely live in a sellers market. Good luck!

[Crankin]

AHHHHH! They are here and I am going to kill someone. I was out for the first hour and half, came home, put away my groceries, then vacuumed out my car, a job I loathe. I am now sitting out on the deck. I said hello to them, but I will not engage in conversation. DH is ready to kill me. I am not going out more, because I have nothing to do, and we are going on a ride later. Basically, they moved all of the living room furniture around in a different configuration, and took our coat tree out of the entry, moved our bench/cubby for our cycling stuff (it's from Crate and Barrell, for God's sake) in an awkward spot for me to get my stuff out and put on my shoes, and now they are taking all of our art work, ceramics, etc and moving it around or putting it away. They put a copper pot on top of the dining room table, and it looks really dumb. This feels really invasive and I did let them hear me say that people are watching too much HGTV.
I think what is bothering me is the invasiveness of the process, as well as the fact that people must be really stupid if they can't envision their own stuff in a house.
ETA:
A few hours have passed. DH was really mad with me, after I looked at all of the changes they made and went nuts. Some are laughable. They put a crystal vase on top of my dresser and a top hat that DS#1 had in his closet on his dresser. They moved prints around to places that look really dumb. And I can't find my magazines that were on the coffee table in the family room, because the table is now in the living room. They took what few books we have left (we've been purging for a few years) and put them in random, awkward places, not on bookshelves. No one would live like this. Any trace of us is gone from the house, except you might get that we are cyclists. I did get DH to agree to move the bench/cubby back to where it was, as the front door could not open all of the way to where they moved it. And, who puts a dining room chair in the entry way? But, I calmed down and we went out to a kitchen/bath place and started planning the remodeling of the condo. Now drinking wine and looking forward to a long ride on the south coast of MA/RI tomorrow.

[emily_in_nc]

Woah, Crankin, did not realize that you had to submit to them moving stuff around! I assumed they would just make suggestions. Eeek, this would drive me crazy as well. I feel for you. I hope it will all result in a quick sale, but I definitely empathize with your frustration. I would feel so violated, I think.

[Crankin]

They didn't just move stuff around, they made us take out several pieces of furniture. The only "real" piece of art work we have, i.e. not a print, is gone from the dining room and downstairs in our guest room. The coat tree is in there, too. The top of our hutch is gone, so a lot of my crystal, wine glasses, and china is packed up in a suitcase, and will be moved by us! I found the magazines andput them out on some built in shelves. You should see the way they need the bed to be made for the photo shoot, with the comforter rolled all the way down. I guess they want the light colored sheets to make everything look bigger. That's fine for the 3 bedrooms that don't get used, but the photo shoot isn't until next Thursday, so DH can do that in the AM, as thankfully, I will be working. I did some reading, and apparently the tolerance for this has gone in and out over the years, but it's now de riguer for homes above a certain price point. All I can say is that this must have been an easy job for them, as we have no clutter. I am not a sentimental person, especially about this house (when I think of "my house," I think of the last one and the one in Tempe, not this one, the first one we had in MA, or even my first home), but I am attached to my stuff. I like to look at pictures of my kids, and since I can't have them up at work, now it really feels weird. And speaking of them, both of them would croak if they saw how their rooms look. I wonder how they handle people with little ones in this situation.
Seriously, I know I am being unreasonable, but I haven't been this upset in a very long time. And yes, this house better sell quickly.

[OakLeaf]

Wow. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I think I'd just have to leave town and let DH deal with it!

When we were shown the house we eventually bought, it was pretty obvious there was none of that. The previous owners had several large paintings of female nudes on the walls - tasteful, but kind of in-your-face I thought - and the urns of two of their dogs on a dresser. Wonder what your stager would've said about those. :eek:

[emily_in_nc]

I do agree with no personal photos, though. That's a well-known thing to do when selling and pre-dates HGTV. ;-) Other than that, I still find this all very over-the-top and depressing. Makes me never want to own another house for fear of having to sell it one day.

[lph]

You're all spoilt. This is the norm for Every Single House or apartment being sold around here ;-) And taking photos for the ad was even worse. Basically the house was supposed to have the bare minimum of furniture, tastefully displayed against a blank wall, every pillow should be plumped and arranged and preferably white, every counter and table top should have a classy display of either fruit and vegetables, or flowers and candles. I managed to weasel out of the mandatory white orchids and got something else instead, and felt really wild. It was a nightmare. The house was uninhabitable for over a week.

The photos turned out rather amusing, if you know what you're looking at. In front of the house, where we usually kept six or seven pairs of skis, a ski sled, at least four bikes and a bike trailer, and where no-one has ever sat ever, there were two chairs and a small table pretending to be our "breakfast table", with two wine glasses and a glass bowl of *strawberries*. In the photo showing the whole front of the house, down the street you can just make out a big messy pile of something, around a lamppost. That is of course - six pairs of skis, a sled, four bikes and a bike trailer :-D

ETA: I actually spent two weeks polishing the fittings in the bathroom every time I'd been in there, in case someone wanted to drop by and see the house. Shiny fittings actually make a shabby bathroom look quite nice. But it was still an insane thing to do. We were alle slightly intimidated by our scary power blonde real estate agent.

[emily_in_nc]

Man, lph, that sounds rough! Did your house sell in a week? If so, I guess it was all worth it, but wow!

We've just never had to do anything like that in the US to sell a house, and we've sold quite a few. We spent several weeks earlier this summer getting my in-law's house ready to sell, but thankfully we got everything out of it, so it was vacant when it sold, and we only had to "stage" ever so minimally. We had a professional team come in and clean the inside (including the carpets) after we hauled two dumpsters of stuff out and took many, many loads to Goodwill and various other recycling venues. Outside, we planted flowers, pruned trees and bushes, mulched, power washed the exterior of the house, painted the front door, and did some minor staging on the front porch. The house had been pretty badly neglected by my elderly in-laws prior to us arriving to do our magic. It was all worth it in the end when it sold in less than two weeks. Thank goodness we didn't try to sell it while they were still living there -- they both had serious hoarding issues, and they weren't doing a good job at keeping their litterbox area clean, so it smelled like cat pee before the cleaners arrived.

Ugh!

[Crankin]

After our ride today, we brought our closest friends over to see what was done. They have no problem seeing this as a business thing to make the house sell, that as soon as you decide to list your house, it's no longer yours. I just feel discombobulated from this and it's not like this is the first home I've sold, as it's #5.
Oak, DH was upset with me, because pretty much, he is doing everything. I hate dealing with all of this stuff. In fact, it's only been very recently that I had anything to do with even major home purchases/decorating things, except furniture. I make snap decisions and sometimes end up not liking it, but, it's really the insufferable salespeople and endless decisions I can't stand, so I make a snap decision to get away from them. I remember, when we bought our 2nd home, when DH said someone was coming over so we could buy window treatments, I was like, what, the window is getting a treatment? Just the term was foreign to me. Our first house was in a new development, where you went to the builder's office (embarrassed to say it was Charles Keating of the banking scandal) and picked out everything. I sent DH, begging off with work. They did not believe that a wife would not be involved! So, over the years, I've learned a bit, but really, despite liking nice things, it all gives me a headache.
Emily, I do wonder what happens when it's people like your in laws. I've raised the question, are we the only people flexible enough to envision a home the way we would make it? I mean, this house was a wreck inside and packed with stuff when we bought it. It was a for sale by owner, as they were having financial issues. Yet, we made the decision to buy in like 30 seconds.
DH is leaving for Europe for 10 days, and the first open house will probably occur when he is gone, right before he comes back. Thankfully, I will be gone all day Sunday, but she wants to do both Saturday and Sunday. Meh.

[lph]

Well, we did actually sell fast, and for a very good price. But there's no way of knowing if all that staging was necessary or not. I think the idea of giving the house a clean and uncluttered look probably does help some people a lot with visualising how they can live there, it's sort of like dressing up for a nice occasion to look your best. But the extreme staging some people do, bringing in completely different furniture, paintings, etc... Well, maybe it's worth it if you're trying to sell a nice place that has been treated like a dump, otherwise I can't imagine it's worth the effort.
All this does make the few places that are not presented this way really stick out. I remember seeing photos of an artist's flat for sale, complete with dirty dishes, messy clothes and a ton of pictures on the wall :-)

[lph]

Re our intimidating agent: I remember her telling me we needed white pillows, white towels and preferably a bedspread. I was a bit taken aback, as we already had a rather minimalist style, just not pure white. I caved and bought some white pillow covers, and some new ice blue towels. She sighed. I found a tatty fake fur white pillow hidden somewhere, and she was quite pleased. "See, you DO have something white."
Luckily the weather was a bit damp the day we were showing the house, which camouflaged the itty bitty white pawprints caused by our cat tracking fresh paint all over the newly oiled patio.

[Crankin]

Love it, lph!
DH told me last night that the stagers said we needed to get a palm tree plant for the living room. He put his foot down to that. This is Massachusetts, not Florida. It is true our minimalist look and contemporary furniture/prints of the southwest might look different, but I don't do indoor plants. Had them for years, too much work.

[OakLeaf]

ETA: I actually spent two weeks polishing the fittings in the bathroom every time I'd been in there, in case someone wanted to drop by and see the house. Shiny fittings actually make a shabby bathroom look quite nice. But it was still an insane thing to do.

Hint: keep a microfiber kitchen cloth by every faucet, all the time. All it takes is a 10-second swipe after every use. It's like the easiest cleaning ritual I have, and it takes hours off "real" cleaning.

[Crankin]

House is being listed Friday night. Open houses on Saturday and Sunday. It's supposed to be iffy weather on Sunday, so wondering what the hell I will do. DH is leaving for Europe late Saturday, so if it's raining, I may have to go shopping, if I can't ride!
On a positive note, we spent 5 hours at Lowes yesterday. I tried to be enthused, and I endured picking out appliances, tile and vanities for 2 bathrooms, tile for the entry way, granite counters, and a backsplash. DH decided this is the way to go, as it's less money than working with a kitchen/bath store. I pray they follow through, although I've heard horror stories. We met with the managers of the departments, who clearly knew their stuff, it's just the contractors they use. DH already has appointments set up for them to measure and do templates at the condo and hopefully it will all be done before we move. Haven't heard from our painter, which pisses me off, as my older son worked for him for 2 years. It's just the painting (small areas) and window stuff left.

[Crankin]

Heard from our painter yesterday, so he is coming to see what needs to be done, a few hours after we close.
Feeling like a guest in my own home, right now. Hoping we get an offer after the open houses.

[emily_in_nc]

Heard from our painter yesterday, so he is coming to see what needs to be done, a few hours after we close.
Feeling like a guest in my own home, right now. Hoping we get an offer after the open houses.

Good luck! I know you will be glad to have it sold and all the staging bs behind you! I think the new house choices and fix-up would be lots of fun, though. Not something you're really into, I know, but I love that kind of thing. We haven't been homeowners for several years now, and even though I love the freedom we have not being tied down to a place, I do miss having my own place where I can paint, put stuff up on the walls, and otherwise make it my own.

[Crankin]

Ack, no one came to the open house! Our agent said it was like this everywhere. However, we have someone coming for a regular showing tomorrow morning, before the open house. That is a good sign.
Once the pain of picking out stuff is over, I enjoy setting up the house, etc. We are looking at window treatments and and lighting stuff on line, but that will be done after we move in. We also decided to get new furniture for the sunroom, and we will need some additional chairs/pieces for the great room. DH just left for 10 days in Europe, so t will be interesting if we get an offer while he is gone. He'll be home for 10 days and then will be going to Japan for a week, at the beginning of October. Thankfully, both of these trips are a bit shorter than they usually are, this year. I just want this to be over with. I have no reason to worry, we can easily pay for 2 mortgages, but the thought of having to de-list the house for the winter and then start again is not appealing!

[ny biker]

I actually like the part where you pick stuff out and make the decisions. I do admit that it can be very time-consuming, but it's also a chance to get creative and learn some interesting things. I planned the tile design for my bathroom myself, using photos from some home-renovation forums, the sample bathroom setups they have at The Tile Shop and a careful study of the tile in the restrooms and locker room at my gym and my office. I drew everything out on graph paper for the contractors, specifying tile sizes and which corner to start in and how to line up the niche with the wall tile. Overall it came out nice and was worth the effort. But yes it was an effort.

The part where the contractors come and do the work is the part that gets to me. Too much disruption and messes to clean up.

In a way it's good to feel like a guest in your own home at this point -- I think you stand a better chance of selling it quickly when you are able to think of it as something you want to sell rather than "home." Some of the stuff the stagers did does seem over the top, but many people really don't have the imagination to envision themselves in a house where the current owner's personality is very visible or there's any sign that a place is really lived in.

[shootingstar]

I learned some things I never expected when I sold my Toronto condo and some unexpected surprises about buyers:

*There are very judgemental buyers who are racist/judgemental on your last name. My real estate agent (who was white) told me that people would scan the names of owners/occupiers on a condo directory and comment it the names were not Anglo-sounding or European-sounding. Meaning any Asian, East Indian last name was suspect to them as undesirable neighbours.

*There are people who will avoid buying in an area with a lot of local neighbours who have Asian faces. What is the problem?: I'm willing to bet a huge hunk of those "foreign"looking faces know how to speak English.

*My real estate agent had an interesting experience of finding a home for a blind client. She walked with the client around in potential neighbourhoods.

*My condo was sold...interestingly to a woman who was the executive-director for a national non-profit organization for Canadian women prisoners. Her son, a real estate agent brokered the deal for his mother.

[Crankin]

We took down our mezuzah, and all of Jewish art work. However, down in our family room, there are a couple of prayer books on the shelf... not in a really noticable place. I know about that prejudice. In fact, before 1980 or so, Concord was an NJA place. I'll let you figure out what that means. I'd say at least 25% of my neighborhood is Jewish, now, though. There are very few Asians in my town, but the last place I lived (next town) has about a 25% Chinese/Indian population. They often come here with cash in hand, so I don't care who buys my house!
The family that came yesterday is mildly interested. They are relocating from NY, and therefore, do not have the prejudices of a New Englander, against contemporary homes.

[Crankin]

New England. Very common in certain waspy towns. Obviously, not where I grew up.

[Pax]

Feeling a bit subdued today, our closest friend went to the ER back in Illinois last night for chest pains. Hopefully she'll be okay but being so far away just stinks. Guess that's the price you pay when you move away from home.

We don't really have any family at all, or none that we're in contact with, so our friends are our family. Sure does feel lonely now and then.

[Crankin]

I would feel the same way, Pax. My friends have been my family, for a long time.

[ny biker]

We took down our mezuzah, and all of Jewish art work. However, down in our family room, there are a couple of prayer books on the shelf... not in a really noticable place. I know about that prejudice. In fact, before 1980 or so, Concord was an NJA place. I'll let you figure out what that means. I'd say at least 25% of my neighborhood is Jewish, now, though. There are very few Asians in my town, but the last place I lived (next town) has about a 25% Chinese/Indian population. They often come here with cash in hand, so I don't care who buys my house!
The family that came yesterday is mildly interested. They are relocating from NY, and therefore, do not have the prejudices of a New Englander, against contemporary homes.

Even when a potential buyer has no prejudices, I think it makes sense to remove things like religious items as well as family photos and other personal items. Anything that makes a buyer think about the current residents is a distraction from the decision to buy or not.

Pax, I hope your friend is okay.

[OakLeaf]

Pax, hope your friend is okay. Hugs to you.

Crankin, ugh. I wish I could say I hadn't seen the same kind of thing in neighborhoods all over the USA. But you did remind me of the little enameled metal crucifix that was tacked, glued and shellacked over next to an entry door in our house when we bought it. :eek: There was no way to remove it without putting an enormous gouge in the door frame - the only reason it's gone now is because a worker slammed that door so hard it broke the frame and we had to replace it.

[lph]

Unrelated: yesterday I joined in on setting up a Facebook group for women kayakers in the Oslo area. Today I posted a little notice on the local kayak club's FB page, just saying "here's a new group, if you're interested".

Within five minutes a guy responded, with "Why only women?"

...

"THAT'S why", is what I should have responded.

What is it with some guys and the sense of entitlement??
Even if he didn't agree, it's truly none of his business whether I choose to start a group for women, or for black metal loving gourmet cook left-handed kayakers in a certain district, or for any other subgroup you can think of.

Sorry, just ranting.

[Jolt]

Wow, all that "staging" stuff sounds crazy, I wouldn't like that either! It doesn't look like much of that is done around here, at least from what I am seeing online (thinking of buying a house this spring…because of a merger, my job is being transferred next month to a hospital 25 minutes away by car and that is a little too much of a commute for me to put up with long term, plus I will be done paying my student loans and ready to buy). Some of the places I have looked at photos of are obviously still being lived in (though spruced up for the pictures), others are empty. I do look forward to picking out a house and then setting it up the way I want it.

[shootingstar]

Unrelated: yesterday I joined in on setting up a Facebook group for women kayakers in the Oslo area. Today I posted a little notice on the local kayak club's FB page, just saying "here's a new group, if you're interested".

Within five minutes a guy responded, with "Why only women?"

...

"THAT'S why", is what I should have responded.

What is it with some guys and the sense of entitlement??
Even if he didn't agree, it's truly none of his business whether I choose to start a group for women, or for black metal loving gourmet cook left-handed kayakers in a certain district, or for any other subgroup you can think of.

Sorry, just ranting.

And it's just kayaking. It's not about a life and death matter.

[Crankin]

I'd be pissed, too,lph.
House saga has not been going well in the last 24 hours. Came home from work yesterday and they had installed the for sale sign. Except, they installed it next to my mailbox, which is across the street from my house, as all of the boxes are on one side of the street. I laughed. Called the agent and today the sign is down, laying by my driveway, but the post has not been moved. I can't imagine which genius she hired for the job.
Today, the guy came to do the Title 5 inspection for our septic system. You have to have this, to sell a home in Massachusetts. I can't say it failed, because after an hour and a half, the guy came to the door and said we have to hire someone to clear all of the trees in a very large area of the woods, so he can run the line up through the septic to check it. It sounds like BS. He said not the "big trees," just small ones... and he complained bitterly, that he "couldn't go up that hill one more time." I almost said, "Well,
you shouldn't have this job if you are out of shape," but I didn't! Texted DH, who is in Sweden and gave him the bad news. Just what I need, cutting trees down right when the leaves are falling off of the trees.

[Blueberry]

Crankin - I wonder if your realtor has another person who can do this? Or is it a city person? What a pain:(

[OakLeaf]

Oh good grief, Crankin. Hang in there .... (and maybe confirm with the health department or whoever that you really need to take the trees out? Obviously you've been getting the system serviced with the trees in place ...)

[Catrin]

Yikes, hang in there Crankin! I concur that you should call his office on this one.

[Crankin]

No, this is not a government function, in that you just hire the company on your own. Then, they give you the certificate. We have used this company for 25 years... Yes, they have done pumping of the system, but for that, they just put a hose down the usually capped entry to the septic tank, whch is right at the edge of the woods. To do this "test," they snake a long thing in there, with a camera, and all kinds of long hoses. I think they also dig up the earth around the actual line, which goes down the hill, so there are plenty of obstacles to that. I really have not paid attention to this when we sold our other 2 homes, because I was not home. Obviously, the test was done 10 years ago, when we bought the house, but the dumb azz guy pointed out lots of smaller, new growth trees. Anyway, I told DH, who was not too upset. He called them from Sweden, and the guy is coming back next Thursday, to show DH exactly what needs to be done.
I know there's an environmental reason for this process, but I am wondering if people in other states have to go through this. If your septic system fails the test, you are dead. It costs thousands to fix these problems. I am not worried we will fail, as there's only been 2 people living in this house, except for the first 5 out of 30 years. Although, rumor has it, that a "rock band," lived here during those 5 years... at the same time that all the other families were switching spouses.

[OakLeaf]

I am wondering if people in other states have to go through this.

Heh. We're probably at the opposite extreme of the ratio of population density to public health regulation. It was only last month that our county regulations went into effect requiring regular septic inspection. There are a few neighborhoods that are really problematic, apparently, and the health department expects it'll take years just to get those caught up, never mind the rest of the county. Regular maintenance is done by private companies, but it's the health department that certifies it's safe when a home is sold.

Still - I don't know exactly what's involved when they inspect our system, beyond checking sludge level and motor operation and topping up the chlorine tablets, but there are a lot of trees around ours. At one point the septic company found roots growing into the line, so we had to call a roto-rooting company, and neither they nor the septic company needed us to remove any trees, they just reamed the roots out.

[Crankin]

Who knows? A lot of things are regulated here.

[rocknrollgirl]

Feeling a bit subdued today, our closest friend went to the ER back in Illinois last night for chest pains. Hopefully she'll be okay but being so far away just stinks. Guess that's the price you pay when you move away from home.

We don't really have any family at all, or none that we're in contact with, so our friends are our family. Sure does feel lonely now and then.


Yes to this, we are in the same boat. I hope your friend is ok.

Back to lurking now....

[OakLeaf]

My uncle died suddenly last week. I hadn't had much contact with him since I was 13 years old and he was on the other side of a big family break-up and I was too Stockholm Syndrome'd to stay connected. I'm glad he and my mom made their peace after my dad died, anyway, and I'm glad I had a chance to chat with him a little bit at my mom's wedding. But his death is bringing up a lot of old stuff for me. I had to fire my therapist, she blew me off one too many times, so you guys get to hear this stuff. :cool:

[ny biker]

My uncle died suddenly last week. I hadn't had much contact with him since I was 13 years old and he was on the other side of a big family break-up and I was too Stockholm Syndrome'd to stay connected. I'm glad he and my mom made their peace after my dad died, anyway, and I'm glad I had a chance to chat with him a little bit at my mom's wedding. But his death is bringing up a lot of old stuff for me. I had to fire my therapist, she blew me off one too many times, so you guys get to hear this stuff. :cool:

It seems that too many of us have family "stuff." I'm sorry about your uncle.

[Catrin]

My uncle died suddenly last week. I hadn't had much contact with him since I was 13 years old and he was on the other side of a big family break-up and I was too Stockholm Syndrome'd to stay connected. I'm glad he and my mom made their peace after my dad died, anyway, and I'm glad I had a chance to chat with him a little bit at my mom's wedding. But his death is bringing up a lot of old stuff for me. I had to fire my therapist, she blew me off one too many times, so you guys get to hear this stuff. :cool:

So sorry to read this about your uncle Oakleaf - "family stuff" makes it even harder - at least that has been my experience.

[Crankin]

I am sorry about your uncle, Oak, but it sounds like you had a good visit before he died. And, I am sorry your therapist blew you off. It makes me feel extraordinairily bad! What is wrong with people?

[lph]

I am sorry, Oak. Death has a way of raking things up that you thought were long done.

[Crankin]

We closed on the condo today. And we actually had 2 semi interested prospects for our house yesterday.

[Catrin]

We closed on the condo today. And we actually had 2 semi interested prospects for our house yesterday.

Congratulations!!!

[emily_in_nc]

We closed on the condo today. And we actually had 2 semi interested prospects for our house yesterday.

That's great Crankin! Know you're ready to have your house sell.

[Pax]

Congrats, Crankin!

[Crankin]

Still waiting for the 2 people to get back here with their respective spouses. One is a woman with 2 younger kids, who was stringent in telling our agent they are "a Waldorf family," which is good, because the type of people who send their kids to a Waldorf school would love our house. Her question was, although her kids would love playing in the woods, could they put a lawn in... and what about a pool? Oy. DH sent a detailed plot plan with 2 reasonable ideas for a lawn (I could kinda see this, but not having one is a draw, actually) and then asked our agent if she was aware that we have a neighborhood pond, with a beach?! She may not have seen this in the brochure, as it's at the end. This woman lives in a town that I wouldn't want to live in, so I think there is motivation there. The other guy lived in Cambridge and works at a pharma company. Not clear is they are renting or have a home.
DH spent all day yesterday doing demolition at the condo. There's more we want to change than we planned, but, that's how it goes. There is only one room with carpet (the sunroom) and it is in terrible shape, so we need to replace that. It's a small room, though. DH agrees that we can't live with the bathtubs... that will be an expensive change, but just having the handicapped bars are creeping me out. I know people are telling me "I might need them," but I would rather ignore that advice at this point. Plus, the tile is dated and the tubs actually are a bit ugly.
DH met our neighbors. Apparently, he is the youngest person there, and one of the very few males. As I mentioned way earlier in this thread, West Concord is populated by widowed women, and now I see just how true this is. It's mainly because the condos/townhouses here are a bit cheaper than in other surrounding areas. These people are not quite old enough to be our parents, but maybe aunts or uncles. It should be interesting. I don't do well with "neighbors," but I will try to smile. At the closing, the sellers made me sad. They were smart people, but seemed so "old," despite only being maybe 10 years older than me. We didn't want to say too much about all of the changes we are making, but they asked us if we were excited about the "new white appliances," and we said we were replacing them with stainless... they were aghast, because of "all of the fingerprints." I told them we had had stainless appliances for many years, and there is a special cleaner, which they did not know about. I know all of this is unimportant, but I do find it interesting to see how how others age. My role models are people who are 75 and riding 50 miles a day, which of course, is not the norm. And, my own grandparents didn't seem as old as these people.

[OakLeaf]

Good luck, Crankin.

You got me to thinking, how accessibility features are usually unattractive, and how much that's a sign of ableism in interior design (or structural engineering? not sure which specialty I'm talking about!). Maybe that will be the next frontier, as designers themselves age. I wonder how many falls every year can be attributed to either people who refused to install grab bars because they're so ugly, or to half-azzed solutions that are attractive but not structurally stable and not up to the task when someone does need them. I know there are many other barriers to people making their homes accessible, but ugly really shouldn't be one of them.

[ny biker]

Crankin, I just saw this on a local news blog -- looks like if might affect your sale.

https://www.arlnow.com/2015/09/29/ask-will-how-a-new-real-estate-rule-will-impact-buyers/

BTW when you gut the bathrooms you should consider adding blocking for grab bars to be added later on. Even if you never need them, it sounds like it would be a good selling point down the road (probably way down the road, but still).

I put in blocking and a few grab bars in my bathroom because I don't think old age or infirmity are the only reasons to have them. Merely being weakened by the flu or hurting your knee can lead you to want something to grab so you can steady yourself as you get in or out of a tub. I slipped and fell stepping into a tub in a hotel recently and without the grab bar I probably would have hit my head. And it's now possible to buy some that don't look like you're in a hospital room.

[shootingstar]

I put in blocking and a few grab bars in my bathroom because I don't think old age or infirmity are the only reasons to have them. Merely being weakened by the flu or hurting your knee can lead you to want something to grab so you can steady yourself as you get in or out of a tub. I slipped and fell stepping into a tub in a hotel recently and without the grab bar I probably would have hit my head. And it's now possible to buy some that don't look like you're in a hospital room.

Ny, good point.

For first 4 days after my concussion accident off the bike after cyclist collided into me, I could not stand and take a shower. In fact, I didn't even take a bath. I was too dizzy...even to make simple turns in the kitchen to wash a cup or chop some veggies. There's actually a lot of body turning, and head movement to execute simple daily tasks around home indoors.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Within the last 5 years, several friends around my age ('50s) and all women who are physically fit, no weight problems etc. have had: broken/sprained wrist/leg/ankle, strained their back (including my 50 yr. old sister who jogs every day for past 15 yrs., has run marathons) where they ended up in bed for a few days /very limited mobility for a few weeks.

We're mortal, and even the strongest of us, will at minimum, fall off our bike at least once in a lifetime. Even those of us who have cycled regularily for past few decades.

[Crankin]

The ones that are in there now are butt ugly, looks like a hospital room. I am sorry, I can't deal with this at this stage of my life. We've had things that made it difficult to move (fractured knee, flu, etc, DH's broken wrists and collar bone) and we never considered putting in bars. We are going to have the tile/bars gutted and put in swanstone surrounds. Maybe I am being stupid, but I just don't want to be old. I've had enough crashes/dumb accidents to know we all can fall, but this will not be part of my interior design right now. You guys are being realistic, and this is a very sore point with me. Everyone in my family lives to 90 with not too much infirmity and generally I deal better with problems of young people rather than older people. I know you are right, but I do not want to have reminders of possible infirmity.
I am aware of that mortgage/financial rule change. I don't think that is it. People looking at this price range are generally pre-qualified. The combination of a contemporary home, on a hill, with no grass, means our pool of prospective buyers is smaller, as New Englanders tend to be somewhat provincial in their ideas about homes. Most people want an 8 room colonial or Cape on an acre lot of grass. The woman with the kids is still interested; our agent had a talk with her today, about getting her husband here. We know we make these decisions more quickly than others, so we are impatient.

[shootingstar]

We just have 1 bar by the bathtub-shower in Vancouver. It came with the place when bought new from the condo builder...over 15 years ago. AFter awhile it becomes like wallpaper: you don't notice it.

Just 1 bar would have been appreciated in this location of home is helpful.

[Crankin]

Murienn, quite a few of the synagogues in the south and west use Shalom Y'all as their motto. My synagogue in Tempe actually sold small posters that said this as a fund raiser, and I had one on my fridge for years! That group sounds like fun... I love Savannah and would like to go back, when I am not under the pressure of boot camp graduation!
Shooting Star, it's funny you used the example of the bars becoming like wallpaper... I hate wallpaper and and we are having all of that removed, too! I went over there after class at the gym (actually felt quite bonked from doing my first step class in 5 months, and it's closer than my house), to see the progress DH has made. All of the appliances are out, new ones coming on Friday. The electrician and plumber came today, to do the line for the gas stove and fix the line for the ice maker. It already feels more like our house, as more and more stuff gets ripped out. DH was starting to rip out the vanities in the bathrooms when I left. We made some initial plans on where to place the couch in the sunroom and the likelihood of having a TV in there, mostly for me to do yoga DVDs. It's a very peaceful room, that overlooks the woods, and will mostly use it for reading, etc. Our big screen will be in the great room.
Raining so hard this morning, now it's thundering. I am praying the hurricane does not hit us directly, after this. DH is leaving for Japan on Sunday, and I've already been through one hurricane while he was texting me pictures of La Morra wine country in Italy! But, it looks like I might get a (cold) ride in on Saturday.

[emily_in_nc]

I surely wish there'd been a grab bar in my FIL's shower when he fell this past spring. He falls a LOT now, being 86. Nothing in their house was set up for accessibility, so I'm very relieved he's now in assisted living and they've sold the house.

One thing I've found interesting here in Mexico is that building codes, so far as I can tell, are very lax compared to those in the US. I see new buildings going up having inspection notices, but in particular, stairways are not required to have handrails. I recently slipped while coming down the steps after yoga practice, and dang, that hurt. The steps have narrow treads (also no building code about that, I guess), are concrete that's been slickened over the years from wear, and there's no railing. I was messing with my bag and trying to get my bottle of water out and owie! Slid down several stairs on my butt and hit the back of my forearm on a stair. I thought I was going to have a terrible bruise on my butt, but fortunately, if I did, it was out of sight, and it never felt sore. The arm is still a bit tender a week later. I have been much more careful coming down those stairs since!

Other than buildings with elevators and/or ground floor units/businesses, this is not a place set up for the elderly or disabled, but they have started installing wheelchair ramps into a couple of businesses, and have made a couple of the beaches accessible with boardwalks.

[Pax]

I surely wish there'd been a grab bar in my FIL's shower when he fell this past spring. He falls a LOT now, being 86. Nothing in their house was set up for accessibility, so I'm very relieved he's now in assisted living and they've sold the house.

One thing I've found interesting here in Mexico is that building codes, so far as I can tell, are very lax compared to those in the US. I see new buildings going up having inspection notices, but in particular, stairways are not required to have handrails. I recently slipped while coming down the steps after yoga practice, and dang, that hurt. The steps have narrow treads (also no building code about that, I guess), are concrete that's been slickened over the years from wear, and there's no railing. I was messing with my bag and trying to get my bottle of water out and owie! Slid down several stairs on my butt and hit the back of my forearm on a stair. I thought I was going to have a terrible bruise on my butt, but fortunately, if I did, it was out of sight, and it never felt sore. The arm is still a bit tender a week later. I have been much more careful coming down those stairs since!

Other than buildings with elevators and/or ground floor units/businesses, this is not a place set up for the elderly or disabled, but they have started installing wheelchair ramps into a couple of businesses, and have made a couple of the beaches accessible with boardwalks.

I remember that about Europe, I spent the year I was 11 in wheelchair and there was nothing accessible anywhere. My brother and parents got very adept at bouncing me up and down stairs.

[OakLeaf]

Yep. All the people who whine about the ADA ....

I remember that about Valencia in particular, in all the parts of town we explored in two and a half weeks, there was one bar that was accessible, and it seemed like everyone in the whole city who used a wheelchair hung out there, because there was just no place else they could go.

[Crankin]

Meh, no one is looking at our house. Another open house this Sunday and we dropped the price again. We decided we are going to move by Thanksgiving, no matter what. The work on the condo has started and I am excited about how it is going to turn out. We spent last Saturday picking out and ordering new living room furniture. We had a really good sales person at Crate and Barrel; he got our taste and needs.

[emily_in_nc]

Meh, no one is looking at our house. Another open house this Sunday and we dropped the price again. We decided we are going to move by Thanksgiving, no matter what. The work on the condo has started and I am excited about how it is going to turn out. We spent last Saturday picking out and ordering new living room furniture. We had a really good sales person at Crate and Barrel; he got our taste and needs.

Fall is a tough time to sell, I think. We've always had better luck in the spring. Though one house we sold closed in January, after a mega-snow, so you never know. I hope your perfect buyers will come along very soon. I know you're anxious to be done with it.

How exciting to be getting new furniture. That's fun. Other than when we bought all new island-style furniture in Belize (which we then left with the condo when we sold it), we've always had mostly hand-me-down pieces with just a couple new things here and there. We've never had the luxury of buying a whole roomful of furniture before. It's nice sometimes to be able to start fresh, as your tastes may have evolved quite a bit over the years, and the old stuff just doesn't suit. Love Crate & Barrel!

[Crankin]

We have had our living room furniture for 35 years! It is beautiful, still in good shape, Danish modern. But, while it is not "formal" looking like a lot of people's living rooms, it is not right for what is really more of a great room. We need a couch where we can slouch and watch TV. I think my son is going to take it, and it will look great in his house. We have had different furniture for the family rooms in all of our houses, more as a reflection of the stage of life our kids were in, and once because the space was smaller and we just used a couch we had in a guest room, that had a pull out bed. We also have had 3 kitchen tables and 3 dining room sets (Had the first one for 20 years, then bought one that was quite beautiful to fit in the dining room of our last house. Too bad we got it about 3 years before we moved here and it didn't fit!). Our current dining room table and the hutch and corner piece will be stored in the basement, and hopefully, we can use it if we buy a place in the Berkshires.
We love Crate and Barrel, too. Our current family room sectional, which is going in the new sunroom/den, as well as our kitchen set, and dining room table are from there. It really reflects our style. When we were first married, our whole house was Danish modern, but, we have become more eclectic as the years have passed. But, both of us hate "froo-froo." There's a Yiddish word that describes what we dislike even better than froo-froo...

[Crankin]

Where is everyone? I have never seen this forum so dead.

[ny biker]

Where is everyone? I have never seen this forum so dead.

I was thinking the same thing.

I have things I'd like to post but am kind of overwhelmed by life these days, mostly due to job issues. Long story short I've been trying to get my current employer to let me transition from a front end developer (user-interface stuff) to a backend database developer which requires them to find someone to take on some of the work I've been doing, though the language I program in is being phased out so there's not much for others to take over. Anyway yada yada yada starting next month they said I will be 100% doing database stuff, mostly things I didn't learn the in class I took to get me started in that area so I have to try to learn it now. (The yada yada yada part includes an episode in which I learned that incompetent + happy is preferred over competent + frustrated by co-workers who don't listen to you and managers who lie to you about supporting your career development.)

Being from Long Island I have to ask -- what's the yiddish word? I wonder if I know it.

[Pax]

Wish it would pick up again, but I'm guessing the forum is going through the same slow death many have since facebook and twitter came around. Seems we've entered a time were the only online communication valued is one with instant response/gratification.

[OakLeaf]

It's been a little distressing to me that when a handful of new people have come on here, they've kind of been ignored.

And again, the link to the forums from the retail site hasn't been restored. Which says to me it was deliberate, and that the forum has just become more hassle to TE (the business) than what it brings them in sales. :(

[Blueberry]

And again, the link to the forums from the retail site hasn't been restored.

I just tried it, and it's working for me. Might mean there's not good compatibility with their html, but it's there (Community -> TE Forums from the mail page).

I'm just not here much because I'm too busy with other stuff (med school). I love riding my bike and do it as much as I can - I just don't have time to talk about it here as much. I do try to check in every day or 2, but I usually don't feel like I have much to add to the conversation and so I don't post much. I've cut back on other forms of social media too - so it's not one taking over for another with me.

[Crankin]

How is med school treating you, Blueberry?

[ny biker]

I just tried it, and it's working for me. Might mean there's not good compatibility with their html, but it's there (Community -> TE Forums from the mail page).

I'm just not here much because I'm too busy with other stuff (med school). I love riding my bike and do it as much as I can - I just don't have time to talk about it here as much. I do try to check in every day or 2, but I usually don't feel like I have much to add to the conversation and so I don't post much. I've cut back on other forms of social media too - so it's not one taking over for another with me.

It's working for me, too. I hope things are going well with school.

I had noticed that we tend to respond to some posts from new people by advising them to search for old posts, particularly when there are questions about saddles. On one level that makes sense, but it also doesn't do much to encourage conversation.

[emily_in_nc]

Where is everyone? I have never seen this forum so dead.

Facebook.

At least for me, I'm not riding very much here in Mexico so don't have a lot cycling-related to say, and I can't answer a lot of the questions posted here since I am so behind the times on bikes. I don't have super new bikes and don't know most of what's "out there" these days since I'm not currently in a buying mode. I'm posting beachy, dog-related, foody, and other photos on Facebook and sharing interesting things I find online. And reading a lot more novels than I used to.

Yesterday we took a day trip to Akumal, a bit south of us, and enjoyed some great fish tacos, amazing homemade ice cream, and walking on the beautiful beach.

Here are a few of the photos I posted on Facebook:

17825 17826 17827 17828

That's about all I got! ;-)

[snapdragen]

I do check in daily, primarily to see what's new in the world of spammers. :D

In the spirit of Thread Drift, here is Mei -- a neighborhood kitty that thinks my patio furniture is just right for a nap. She and her brother Mushi are "freerange" cats, and sweet as all get out.
17829

[snapdragen]

Have I mentioned that I also have a raccoon? (Chemo brain, I forget things at times) Anyway, he's trashed about 1/4 of my backyard lawn, but I don't care. I figure with the drought, he's having a tough time finding food. I even bought a "wildlife camera" to catch him. The pix are not that great, but it does the job.

17830

[ny biker]

Facebook.

At least for me, I'm not riding very much here in Mexico so don't have a lot cycling-related to say, and I can't answer a lot of the questions posted here since I am so behind the times on bikes. I don't have super new bikes and don't know most of what's "out there" these days since I'm not currently in a buying mode. I'm posting beachy, dog-related, foody, and other photos on Facebook and sharing interesting things I find online. And reading a lot more novels than I used to.

Yesterday we took a day trip to Akumal, a bit south of us, and enjoyed some great fish tacos, amazing homemade ice cream, and walking on the beautiful beach.

Here are a few of the photos I posted on Facebook:

17825 17826 17827 17828

That's about all I got! ;-)

Nice!!

I ride my bike regularly but don't know anything about the latest stuff on the market other than what I see on Bikesnob's blog. And he's usually making fun of it.

I'm curious about how you decide where to go and how long you'll stay there. I cant imagine living anyplace where I couldn't ride my bike. I'd go insane, even with such beautiful scenery.

[Crankin]

I do look at Facebook a lot, but I rarely post. I respond to others, sometimes. My life is not that exciting, so it seems I end up mostly posting pictures of places I ride or x country ski. Stuff people here would appreciate. In fact, I tend to write about that stuff here, because I know you guys will at least understand why I do this stuff. Mostly I get "Don't you ever sit still?" from others. I also get extremely annoyed with the constant "I love my daughter" week, and supposedly cute animal videos. I have a lot of local restaurants or other places I frequent on my newsfeed, so that's what I like to read. Except for my one close friend I ride with, I really feel like I have more in common with the people here, than some of my friends in real life. I have a lot of acquaintances who have similar lifestyles, but they are not the people I am hanging out with all of the time. And, I have actually met a lot of TE members, including a couple I did ride with for quite a while, but now that also seems to have slowed down. Maybe I am too social?

[Blueberry]

How is med school treating you, Blueberry?

I'm loving it! Sure there are bumps and frustrating parts, but I love the (medical related) coursework and the clinical aspects. We've finished 2 blocks (Principles of Med and Immunology) and we're on to Hematology/Oncology. It's really not as bad as I thought it would be in terms of difficulty. Our class is really laid back and helpful (we're pass/fail, which helps). Sure there are stressful times - like the weekends before exams - but it's not all that bad. We just finished our first clinical week - where we spend a week in a local doctor's office taking patient histories and practicing our exam skills. Such a different perspective on what we're learning, but really welcome!

Some stress trying to figure out what I might want to do. I know it seems early, but for some of the really competitive specialties you have to do research between your first and second years in that field (mainly because there is no other time to do it) - and that has to be lined up early. Of course, all of this is for the residency match in our fourth year (and I'm in my first) - so it all seems a little silly!

I don't talk about med school stuff here much because I feel like I'd bore people to death. Maybe I need to not make assumptions about what y'all might want to hear and post more. ;)

[Pax]

I'd enjoy hearing about your medical school adventure, I don't really know anyone who's gone through it so it would be interesting to hear first hand.

[Blueberry]

Fair enough. It was sort of a black box for me until I started looking into admissions and the related classes.

No med school today - glued to the TV streaming the ironman world championships. It's the only sporting event I actually watch. ;) I need to go do a tri one of these years.

[Crankin]

I'd like to hear it, too, Blueberry. The only people I know going to med school now, are the children of friends. Well, one is in his residency in ophthalmology, and the other is a 2nd year med student at U Mass Medical School. He is a really nice person, and also an endurance sport/lifting person, and I think he is going into sports med. It would be nice to hear your perspective, as someone a bit older.

[emily_in_nc]

I'd enjoy hearing about your medical school adventure, I don't really know anyone who's gone through it so it would be interesting to hear first hand.

I agree -- and a doctor was what I always wanted to "be when I grow up" as a child, though I later switched to psychology after I found about all the chemistry I'd have to take (not my thing!) :D And then I switched again while in psych grad school when I determined I was too shy to deal with people and would rather deal with computers. So I was a software engineer for my entire career. Lol! The twists and turns careers can take, right?

BUT...I'm still fascinated by med school, love medical-related shows, always have. In fact, it was Marcus Welby and Medical Center that fueled my original career goal as a girl! So post away...when you have time. I know it can be intense and very busy!

I agree that it seems way too early to have to choose a specialty. But I guess it's not that different from most kids just entering college already knowing what they plan to major in. Not to say that can't be changed, but it doesn't seem to happen all that much. As an aside, I almost switched from psychology to health education mid-way through my studies at UNC, but for various reasons ended up not doing so.

[emily_in_nc]

I'm curious about how you decide where to go and how long you'll stay there. I cant imagine living anyplace where I couldn't ride my bike. I'd go insane, even with such beautiful scenery.

Heheh, some of our decisions are quite random, actually! Trial and error as we're trying different things to see what we like and what "sticks". We can ride bikes here; in fact, we brought our Bike Fridays with us this time, but the traffic really bothers me and takes a lot of the fun out of it. We were hoping we'd find some places farther west (farther from the town center, where we live) that we could ride with less traffic, but after checking them out, I found that the number of taxis, motorbikes, etc. along with the way people drive here (not well, for the most part, and speed limits are only a suggestion!) made riding even far from the center of town stressful and far from pleasant. So I prefer the couple of bike paths we can access because the rest of it is just more urban than I like. DH still rides 4x a week, but he doesn't enjoy it nearly as much as our rides in the US either. He's been disappointed as he was hopeful that it would be better. Last winter we only had beach cruisers and didn't really check out any of the western routes, so we just didn't have all the facts.

I am lucky that I also enjoy yoga and running and have been doing each of those 3x a week, so I can get by without as much cycling while still maintaining fitness and staying active. But DH can't run (knees) and has zero interest in yoga, so he's more limited. We walk a lot too, of course, since we don't have a car. We do love living car-free.

The big thing for us in choosing a destination is weather. We don't care for cold weather, and DH especially hates it. Unfortunately, there are few places in the US other than Florida that have warm enough weather for us year-round (and Florida is not very cyclist-friendly and also has lots of traffic). Even Tucson has some chilly weather in the winter, and that's probably about the best place we've found state-side. We spent February and March in southern Arizona two winters ago and really enjoyed it, but Dec-Jan. would probably be a bit cold for us.

Another reason for choosing Mexico is that we can live here for at least 1/3 less cost than most places in the US. Electricity is more expensive but pretty much everything else, including food (a biggie!) is less. My yoga practices come out to around $3-4 US each with a monthly pass. And we love the colorful culture, the kind people, and the fact that people walk much more here, just generally live more outside lives instead of holed up inside their homes in the suburbs. We also like being away from all the US politics!

We tried one winter traveling around to several different US destinations for a month each in the winter (that's when we spent two months in Arizona), and we did enjoy that a lot and may do it again. We're currently considering an RV as I've mentioned before. As much as we enjoy this part of Mexico, certain things about it do get old, like the noise, tourists, traffic and humidity. And not being able to ride the way we like to, of course!

As for how long we stay certain places, we found that with VRBO, Airbnb, etc. it really pays to spend at least a month in one place as weekly rates are really geared towards vacationers and generally put us above budget. So on our winter in the US, we spent one month in each of five different rental units/houses. But last winter we decided to spend six months here to see how we liked it without having to move around (pack/unpack, etc.) so much since we would have no car and our dog, making it harder to change locales. We liked it a lot and planned to do another six months this winter, but we found we could get a much better deal with a year's lease. So we decided to try that and leave early if we were tired of it and/or didn't want to go through summer's heat next year.

Right now, it is definitely looking like we'll leave early. We arrived here at the end of July, and through September, it was pretty brutally hot and humid. It's a bit more tolerable now; we've had some cooler nights and a couple cool fronts blow through. It's super hot today, but overall it will be gradually getting cooler as "winter" approaches. Still not too cool for short sleeves and shorts during the day, but nights and mornings might require a light sweater. But it will start heating up again in March/April, and I am sure we'll be ready to get farther north sometime in there. And we'll be wanting to enjoy some excellent riding weather stateside by then as well!

Sorry for the long, rambling answer, but that's because there really is no set answer. We're pretty much winging it. I am sure we would do some things differently if we weren't traveling with our dog -- go to some different countries, for example -- but it's just simpler for us now to stay in this part of the world. It's pretty easy to get back to visit our families as well, and a cheap flight from Cancun.

[Crankin]

Emily, in my first 2 years, I switched from Special Ed, to Social Work, to Psych (briefly), and back to Special Ed. I couldn't handle the math (statistics) for psych, although, curiously, I took stats when I had my brief period as a doctoral student. By then, we actually did the calculations on a computer, which in 1980, was very ahead of its time. So, you can see, I actually, in my second career, ended up doing what I really wanted to do. I briefly thought of law school, before I decided on education, but I was afraid of majoring in a liberal arts major, and I knew I wouldn't get into law school with a degree in education. I got my master's in special ed right away, at night, while I was working. Right when I got that degree, ASU was starting a PhD program in Special Ed. I had already quit my job and was waiting to hear from U of Arizona about getting in there (I don't think I would have). Then, my parents moved from AZ to San Diego, and I met DH. I deferred my admission to the PhD program at ASU a year, went back to work, got married. I started the next summer, and by December I was fried. Plus, I got obsessed with having a baby. It was really an obsession. Very unlike me. But, it would have been stupid to have 3 degrees from the same school. I went back to work, had 2 kids, and all was good. I was taking classes to get my CAGS (EdS) degree in Ed Admin around the time my youngest graduated HS. It's an easier version of a doctorate for educators. Then, right when I finished all of the classwork, and had to do the internship, I had no idea how I would get that done and work at the same time. Just like before, I became suddenly obsessed with not doing this, because it just didn't feel right. The nature of school administrators had changed, I was already making good money as a teacher, so when DS 2 dropped out of U of A, I decided that I would just go do something else in a couple of years. Basically, it took me 30+ years, but I don't regret my first career at all. I loved teaching.

[emily_in_nc]

Emily, in my first 2 years, I switched from Special Ed, to Social Work, to Psych (briefly), and back to Special Ed. I couldn't handle the math (statistics) for psych, although, curiously, I took stats when I had my brief period as a doctoral student. By then, we actually did the calculations on a computer, which in 1980, was very ahead of its time.

That's interesting to me because -- in my first year of clinical psych graduate school (1983-84), we also did most of our stats work on computers using SAS. I had never liked math all that much, but I absolutely loved it. That was when I became obsessed with computers and decided to leave the program after that year and change to studying computer science. I ended up going to a different university (NCSU instead of UNC), since they had a post-baccalaureate program in computer programming that you could do in the evenings. So I took a job as a technical writer and did coursework for two years in the evenings, after which I was able to get my first programming job.

It's kinda fascinating how careers can evolve with exposure to different things.


I briefly thought of law school, before I decided on education, but I was afraid of majoring in a liberal arts major, and I knew I wouldn't get into law school with a degree in education.

Interestingly, a younger friend of ours recently got into law school with a degree in English, so you never know! But she hated law school and left the program after one semester. Now she is looking towards a PhD in English.


Plus, I got obsessed with having a baby. It was really an obsession. Very unlike me.

Boy, that is something else we have in common. I went through this very same thing. Total obsession. Although in our case, it ended very differently. We were never able to have a child despite multiple interventions (after trying for a year the natural way, of course!) I did finally get pregnant using IVF/ICSI but miscarried. I was devastated. By this time, we'd been trying for 7-8 years and were just burnt out, getting older all the time, and decided we couldn't continue on. We never wanted to go through the whole adoption roller coaster either. So this is why we were able to retire early -- the silver lining in this cloud. If I hadn't miscarried, I would have an 18-year old right now, which boggles my mind!