Need wedding advice

[redrhodie]

I love my step mother, but it took a long time to get there. Be happy for her, and do something that will make her wedding special, from your heart. In the long run, that will matter most.

[soprano]

I think that it's pretty typical these days for the parents to say, "We'll give you this much money towards the wedding." Some parents hand over a check for that amount. Others pay the wedding vendors directly until that amount runs out, and after that costs are the bride and groom's responsibility. If they want something, they can pay for it.

FYI if you contribute a small sum, or none at all, don't expect the happy couple to take requests from you about the guest list, religious/non-religious service, decorations, etc. Money = input. The person holding the checkbook makes the decisions.

When my husband and I got married, we didn't care to have a wedding. We wanted to have a quiet service with our parents and siblings, and then go out for a nice dinner. No dress, decorations, photographer, etc. My mother threw a fit because her extended family would not be invited. So I said, "If you want a wedding, you can pay for it." And that's how it worked. If she wanted something, she paid for it. (This got interesting when it was time to pay the officiant, because my mother thought that clergy should work for free.) My husband and I only paid for the things we wanted: our rings and the license.

[lph]

FYI if you contribute a small sum, or none at all, don't expect the happy couple to take requests from you about the guest list, religious/non-religious service, decorations, etc. Money = input. The person holding the checkbook makes the decisions.

Whoa - really?? Ok, I'm pretty clueless about weddings, but I still always assumed that it was the couple who had the right to decide, especially about things like a religious/non-religious service.

No wonder I'm not married (I call him my dh anyway because partner sounds a bit too businesslike for someone I've been sharing my life with for going on 19 years.)

Crankin - are you sure your son wasn't happy with the country club reception thing too, or has he told you that he felt pressured into it? I'm just a bit sensitive about the "difficult DIL" role, since in my family I'm the difficult DIL. I do love my hyper-social MIL, but she's only too happy to blame me for decisions my dh and I take together, like not spending more than 2 or 3 days with them. I can't imagine why, really, because I make much more of an effort to be kind and polite to her than my dh does. He can be downright rude to her when she gets pushy. But I think maybe she feels my role is to force him into being "nice", so when he isn't it's my fault anyway...

ah, family. Can't live with them, can't shoot'em.

[ehirsch83]

OK I have a few points to say here and don't hate me for them.


1) I am a child of a divorced family and I feel that the kids should always come first to the parents, even once remarried- they are their kids. My dad my think that my step-mom comes first but if I knew that- I would be incredibly hurt and resentful and only want to thank my mom for things b/c she was putting me first.

No matter what goes on between you and your DH- the daughter can never think that a step mom comes before her- that is just devastating to a child(no matter how old she is-trust me)- it says to her, i got rid of your mom and I don't really care about you either- my new family is more important then the old.

And then by giving monetary support(school) it appears that he wants to buy her love- when what is needed is to be known that she comes first.


2) I am in the process of planning my wedding and my fiance(would that make DF?) & I are both 28. We both had a few bumps in the road towards our professional career(I had a few years off of school due to financial and then substance issues- before I found a bike) and he took half a year off, a year ago, to go race his bike professionally in France(so he made almost no $ while there, so savings disappeared).

On that note- my parents are divorced and are each contributing x amount towards our wedding(not equal amounts)- my mom is giving me the same amount she gave my older sister. My sister used the amount (just about add a 0 on what you want to give) for her dress and then my sister and her husband paid for their 80 person wedding out of their pockets.

We are doing a small 25 guest wedding at a local 4 star hotel. We are doing a rooftop ceremony and then a 4 course sit down meal (one long rectangular table- almost all family)- we are using the donated amount from my mom to cover all of the wedding costs(venue includes officiant, coordinator, ceremony musicians,wine,cake)- the other parents contribution will go towards dress,photographer and we will cover wedding rings,invitations and floral arrangements. It is on a Sunday. My doing it this way- we get a elegant feel on a budget.

I have decided to find a dress on RueLaLa for a fraction of what one would be in a store and only have 25 guests instead of trying to do a huge shinding(if it wasn't so important to my dad to walk me down the aisle, I would of eloped).

But what I am getting at here is- in this day and age, it is still traditional for the parents to contribute greatly towards the wedding- it is tradition and it is what people seem to be raised to know(at least in the circles I was raised in)
again though, I know that my dad's finances aren't there right now and I know that DF and I don't have a ton of money since trying to save for a house and my mom's husband has the money- but he isn't my dad, so I'm not asking for anything.

So instead of trying to have a huge shindig- I have decided what matters is that your family is there and you can always have friends out to celebrate on another day.

(another budget example- for our engagement party, we did evites and we held it at a local cafe that had live music on a saturday night, food,beer& wine- we put on the evites that it was a cash function, and we would love for you to stop by- therefore we had an engagement party for free)

[soprano]

Whoa - really?? Ok, I'm pretty clueless about weddings, but I still always assumed that it was the couple who had the right to decide, especially about things like a religious/non-religious service.

Maybe it's because I come from a very conservative family, but I can think of any number of parents who would decline to contribute (or even show up) to a non-religious wedding. I can also think of a few outspoken atheists who wouldn't want to pay for a religious service.

Some people really do believe that if the service doesn't happen in a church, or if it happens at the "wrong" church/denomination/faith tradition, then the marriage isn't valid. Now, if you honestly believed that your child was making an invalid marriage, would you want to pay for it?

I don't agree with this way of thinking. That doesn't mean that it doesn't happen. Life ain't fair.

[lph]

Now, if you honestly believed that your child was making an invalid marriage, would you want to pay for it?

Well, since I personally don't feel marriage is that important, yes I would. (And if my son keeps his faith until he's marrying age, I may even get to test that view.) But I get your point I sort of saw parents giving cash, then dictating how the wedding should be. But I guess the couple could always just decline the money.

(pardon the digression, just curious)

[ny biker]

Well, since I personally don't feel marriage is that important, yes I would. (And if my son keeps his faith until he's marrying age, I may even get to test that view.) But I get your point I sort of saw parents giving cash, then dictating how the wedding should be. But I guess the couple could always just decline the money.

(pardon the digression, just curious)

There are many cases when parents expect to have a final say on all the wedding decisions because they are paying for it. And many cases where the bride (and/or groom) gets carried away in planning "their special day," to the point of being quite unpleasant to deal with. I went to one wedding where the bride got angry because her close friend left the reception early due to illness and therefore did not eat any of the expensive food that she had paid for. Another bride I know spent the day after her wedding crying because her husband wasn't enthusiastic enough and didn't do the correct hand gestures while they sung a duet for the guests at the reception. (I am not making this up.)

If you tend not to have this sort of behavior in Norway, good for you. We really ought not to need the word "bridezilla" in our vocabulary.

</digression>

[GLC1968]

Dogmomma - I agree with the others who said that no monetary amount is going to 'solve' this thing with your step-daughter. You should do what you want to do concerning her wedding and be happy with that (and the consequences).


I do feel the need to point out that not all children who marry in their 30's and have their wedding paid for by their parents turn into money-grubbing, entitled brats. I'm frankly a little horrified at the venom here. Yes, there are people who go into debt to have the big huge wedding for appearances. And yes, there are adult children who suck their parents dry for all sorts of reasons. But there are also responsible, professional adult children who throw a big wedding and share a fantastic day with friends and family (that will long be remembered by everyone in attendance) paid for by their parents without the need to take out a second mortgage, drain the savings or melt a credit card. And not all 35 year old first time brides who have such a wedding end up as spoiled, problem adults.

Just in case anyone was wondering...

[OakLeaf]

I love my step mother, but it took a long time to get there.

That's a really good point, and I think it's easy for those of us who didn't grow up in blended families to miss. My grandmother remarried when my mom was 15, and my mom resented her stepfather for literally decades. Happily for both of them, in middle age she came to understanding, and dearly loved her stepfather before he died. Now, her biological father was very absent and easy for her to idealize for a lot of reasons, but still. As hurtful as it is for Dogmama (and as it must have been for my Opa), there is almost certainly unresolved pain on the other side, too.