Need wedding advice

[jessmarimba]

I can't say I know her situation. But she sounds a lot like the kids in my family ended up, in some ways - and I don't think she'll be happy one way or another with a monetary gift. Because to me it sounds like she's missing the idea of family and a close relationship with her father. So you can give a lot, and get another "slap in the face," or you can give just a little, and she will bad mouth you, but you can't at this point give her what she really wanted. She'd need therapy to straighten that out. Not saying you and your husband were bad parents - you could have been perfect but her mom may have skewed her viewpoint anyway. But my whole adult life my dad has just given money and it just doesn't buy him the father position he wants but can't figure out. I now know his best effort is what it is, but he just doesn't know me and doesn't know how to. And like in your family, his wife comes first, so now any extra effort on my part hardly seems worth it.

[shootingstar]

Dogmama, I'm sorry to hear that the father-daughter relationship isn't the best at this time.

Please recognize my comments are made in context of the reality that my partner has 2 grown children..in their early 30's.

Most likely you continue to give space to hubby for him to improve relationship with his adult daughter. It has been hurtful and difficult for him, being the birth parent when an adult child continues to ignore gifts of generosity.

[NbyNW]

She lived with her mom until she moved out. Became a paramedic & then decided to be a nurse. That's when we helped out. Gave her a $1,000 graduation gift, but in her graduation ceremony she thanked her mother for all of her support (I don't know what the mom did, if anything.) So, that was a slap in the face.

My read on this is that monetary and material gifts can only go so far in healing a strained relationship. I would tend to agree with jessmarimba -- this is something she needs to work out for herself ... there may be things your husband can do to help repair the relationship, but it may be that his daughter needs to take the initiative, if she has so much resentment built up.

[zoom-zoom]

so do what you think is right and let her bad mouth!!!

Ditto. If she badmouths, SHE is the one who will come off looking bad. That will backfire on her, big time.

[lph]

I know weddings traditionally carry a lot of "should and ought to's", but still:

my feeling is that a gift should be given willingly and ungrudgingly. If not, it's not a gift. So I would give no more, and no less, than I could give and feel happy about giving. No matter her conflict with her family, it's still her wedding day and she deserves to receive gifts from people who honestly wish her well and are not feeling resentful. That's a kind of gift in itself.

I agree that adult children should not expect to have parents foot the bill for a wedding. If you suspect that she does expect it but won't say so, you could make it clear in a gentle way by saying something like "we know that parents aren't expected to pay for weddings any longer, but we would still really like to help you out with x, y or z, because it would make us feel happy". That puts the focus on the fact that you wish her well and do want to give her something, not that you should or could be giving even more.

[Dogmama]

Jess is right, she does need some therapy to come to terms with reality. Her actions toward her father have been passive/aggressive and up until recently her father and I have been accepting and loving. Not tooting our own horns, but it's the truth. We've overlooked many transgressions, nasty comments & hurtful actions. A year ago, I made Christmas dinner and at the last minute she called, said she was helping a friend move & could we hold dinner for two hours. That was it for me. I told her maybe we'd do it some other time but dinner was ready in 30 minutes & I could not hold it. I told her father it was "game over" as far as I was concerned.

LPH & others have said that gifts should be given willingly & from the heart. I had never thought about that - I know - dumb - when it comes to her I always did what I thought we should do, rather than what we really felt.

What goes around comes around. The man she is marrying has two kids - ages 17 (boy) and 11 (girl.)

[Crankin]

My own children, who are slightly younger than this stepdaughter paid for their own weddings, because their in laws could not afford anything. When my younger son, who was 25 when he got married, went to the court house, DIL insisted on having the "country club" reception 9 months later. Although it was lovely and done on a budget (8K), why should my son have to spend his savings on this? It was all for the benefit of her family, who can't afford anything. We paid for the dinner the night before (Chinese food). We gave them the gift they asked for, which was actually cheaper than we would have spent if they hadn't asked for this. This DIL reminds me slightly of your stepdaughter, Dogmamma... moody and slightly unappreciative. It makes me feel like my son is seen as a "catch."
My older son was 28 when he got married. This DIL has very dysfunctional parents and although we offered our home to have a small reception, she didn't want her parents to interact in any way with our friends or theirs! She was right, although at the time, I was disappointed. They got married by a JP I know from our synagogue and then we went out for Korean food with her parents. I haven't seen the parents since! We have done many nice things financially for them, not because they ask. They deserve it. They are warm and friendly, socialize with our friends, who have known my son since he was 8. It's exactly the way I envisioned a relationship with an adult child. We don't see them all of the time, but we are close. For example, we offered our son the birthday present of a tune up on the Serotta we gave him (it was our other son's racing bike, sitting in the shed). He's had it for 2 years and it needed work. Well, wheels, brakes, chain, bottom bracket, tires, bar tape, etc ended up being quite a sum, but DH enjoys doing the work and again, he deserves it.

I wouldn't go overboard on the gift in this case, Dogmamma.

[limewave]

I'm a little biased b/c we paid for our own wedding too at the age of 24. Why shouldn't we? We felt bad for our parents because all of DH's siblings and my brother were getting married the same year. It was wedding overload!

Anyways, people are going to behave how they are going to behave--no matter what you do

[redrhodie]

I love my step mother, but it took a long time to get there. Be happy for her, and do something that will make her wedding special, from your heart. In the long run, that will matter most.

[soprano]

I think that it's pretty typical these days for the parents to say, "We'll give you this much money towards the wedding." Some parents hand over a check for that amount. Others pay the wedding vendors directly until that amount runs out, and after that costs are the bride and groom's responsibility. If they want something, they can pay for it.

FYI if you contribute a small sum, or none at all, don't expect the happy couple to take requests from you about the guest list, religious/non-religious service, decorations, etc. Money = input. The person holding the checkbook makes the decisions.

When my husband and I got married, we didn't care to have a wedding. We wanted to have a quiet service with our parents and siblings, and then go out for a nice dinner. No dress, decorations, photographer, etc. My mother threw a fit because her extended family would not be invited. So I said, "If you want a wedding, you can pay for it." And that's how it worked. If she wanted something, she paid for it. (This got interesting when it was time to pay the officiant, because my mother thought that clergy should work for free.) My husband and I only paid for the things we wanted: our rings and the license.

[OakLeaf]

I love my step mother, but it took a long time to get there.

That's a really good point, and I think it's easy for those of us who didn't grow up in blended families to miss. My grandmother remarried when my mom was 15, and my mom resented her stepfather for literally decades. Happily for both of them, in middle age she came to understanding, and dearly loved her stepfather before he died. Now, her biological father was very absent and easy for her to idealize for a lot of reasons, but still. As hurtful as it is for Dogmama (and as it must have been for my Opa), there is almost certainly unresolved pain on the other side, too.

[lph]

FYI if you contribute a small sum, or none at all, don't expect the happy couple to take requests from you about the guest list, religious/non-religious service, decorations, etc. Money = input. The person holding the checkbook makes the decisions.

Whoa - really?? Ok, I'm pretty clueless about weddings, but I still always assumed that it was the couple who had the right to decide, especially about things like a religious/non-religious service.

No wonder I'm not married (I call him my dh anyway because partner sounds a bit too businesslike for someone I've been sharing my life with for going on 19 years.)

Crankin - are you sure your son wasn't happy with the country club reception thing too, or has he told you that he felt pressured into it? I'm just a bit sensitive about the "difficult DIL" role, since in my family I'm the difficult DIL. I do love my hyper-social MIL, but she's only too happy to blame me for decisions my dh and I take together, like not spending more than 2 or 3 days with them. I can't imagine why, really, because I make much more of an effort to be kind and polite to her than my dh does. He can be downright rude to her when she gets pushy. But I think maybe she feels my role is to force him into being "nice", so when he isn't it's my fault anyway...

ah, family. Can't live with them, can't shoot'em.

[ehirsch83]

OK I have a few points to say here and don't hate me for them.


1) I am a child of a divorced family and I feel that the kids should always come first to the parents, even once remarried- they are their kids. My dad my think that my step-mom comes first but if I knew that- I would be incredibly hurt and resentful and only want to thank my mom for things b/c she was putting me first.

No matter what goes on between you and your DH- the daughter can never think that a step mom comes before her- that is just devastating to a child(no matter how old she is-trust me)- it says to her, i got rid of your mom and I don't really care about you either- my new family is more important then the old.

And then by giving monetary support(school) it appears that he wants to buy her love- when what is needed is to be known that she comes first.


2) I am in the process of planning my wedding and my fiance(would that make DF?) & I are both 28. We both had a few bumps in the road towards our professional career(I had a few years off of school due to financial and then substance issues- before I found a bike) and he took half a year off, a year ago, to go race his bike professionally in France(so he made almost no $ while there, so savings disappeared).

On that note- my parents are divorced and are each contributing x amount towards our wedding(not equal amounts)- my mom is giving me the same amount she gave my older sister. My sister used the amount (just about add a 0 on what you want to give) for her dress and then my sister and her husband paid for their 80 person wedding out of their pockets.

We are doing a small 25 guest wedding at a local 4 star hotel. We are doing a rooftop ceremony and then a 4 course sit down meal (one long rectangular table- almost all family)- we are using the donated amount from my mom to cover all of the wedding costs(venue includes officiant, coordinator, ceremony musicians,wine,cake)- the other parents contribution will go towards dress,photographer and we will cover wedding rings,invitations and floral arrangements. It is on a Sunday. My doing it this way- we get a elegant feel on a budget.

I have decided to find a dress on RueLaLa for a fraction of what one would be in a store and only have 25 guests instead of trying to do a huge shinding(if it wasn't so important to my dad to walk me down the aisle, I would of eloped).

But what I am getting at here is- in this day and age, it is still traditional for the parents to contribute greatly towards the wedding- it is tradition and it is what people seem to be raised to know(at least in the circles I was raised in)
again though, I know that my dad's finances aren't there right now and I know that DF and I don't have a ton of money since trying to save for a house and my mom's husband has the money- but he isn't my dad, so I'm not asking for anything.

So instead of trying to have a huge shindig- I have decided what matters is that your family is there and you can always have friends out to celebrate on another day.

(another budget example- for our engagement party, we did evites and we held it at a local cafe that had live music on a saturday night, food,beer& wine- we put on the evites that it was a cash function, and we would love for you to stop by- therefore we had an engagement party for free)

[soprano]

Whoa - really?? Ok, I'm pretty clueless about weddings, but I still always assumed that it was the couple who had the right to decide, especially about things like a religious/non-religious service.

Maybe it's because I come from a very conservative family, but I can think of any number of parents who would decline to contribute (or even show up) to a non-religious wedding. I can also think of a few outspoken atheists who wouldn't want to pay for a religious service.

Some people really do believe that if the service doesn't happen in a church, or if it happens at the "wrong" church/denomination/faith tradition, then the marriage isn't valid. Now, if you honestly believed that your child was making an invalid marriage, would you want to pay for it?

I don't agree with this way of thinking. That doesn't mean that it doesn't happen. Life ain't fair.

[lph]

Now, if you honestly believed that your child was making an invalid marriage, would you want to pay for it?

Well, since I personally don't feel marriage is that important, yes I would. (And if my son keeps his faith until he's marrying age, I may even get to test that view.) But I get your point I sort of saw parents giving cash, then dictating how the wedding should be. But I guess the couple could always just decline the money.

(pardon the digression, just curious)