Cycling goals ruining friendship

[ginny]

I tend to agree with lph, but I too am such a loner that no one thinks anything of me saying, nope, not today. I think that we, as women, maybe worry a lot more about being sensitive than men do. I don't think this is a bad thing. I too wouldn't want my schedule interrupted that much during the day - I think that's an appropriate excuse. Sarah (?) is that her name? was a good buddy when you needed one. Remember that and be sensitive to her feelings, but you have goals and that's okay. Sometimes just saying you can't make their rides is good enough. You don't have to explain that you are going on your own ride at a different time/location that day... but maybe that's just the loner in me talking...

[zoom-zoom]

I'll just have to assert myself. I was going to come up with a regimented training schedule this weekend. That will be my alibi if she confronts me on my "solo" riding

I think the training plan is a VERY good idea! I have a close friend who I run with when it fits into my schedule. She knows this and is cool with it. She doesn't train with any specific plan, so she will often arrange it so that she can do a particular run with me when I am doing the run. She is a little bit slower than I am, so I always assume that those runs will be easier runs for me, which is good. She treats these runs as harder effort runs.

[ny biker]

That will be my alibi if she confronts me on my "solo" riding

You don't need an alibi. You are not responsible for her emotional problems.

This all started because you have goals for weight loss, fitness and racing. You don't have to apologize to anyone for working to meet those goals.

[indysteel]

That will be my alibi if she confronts me on my "solo" riding

I know you're probably being a bit facetious in saying that, but I think it bears repeating--at least to yourself--that you're not doing anything wrong--such that you need an alibi--in choosing to ride by yourself. I agree that there are ways to be sensitive to Sarah's feelings. IMO, however, the best way to deal with difficult people (be they selfish, manipulative, or hyper-sensitive) is to feel secure in your own fundamental right to take care of yourself and to act accordingly. Don't allow yourself to be guilted into thinking otherwise.

[PamNY]

While I think there's a place for selflessness and nurturing, I generally subscribe to the airplane model of self-preservation. Put your own oxygen mask on first before helping anyone else.

What a wonderful analogy. I look forward to having a chance to use this in conversation.

[staceysue]

Where to start?

. . . . . .started an email list of everyone we know and is coordinating tri-weekly daytime ride schedules. . . Sarah is very competitive. . . . .HATES, LOATHES BEING DROPPED). . . drove over an hour each way to ride 7 miles of single-track . . . . 1.5 miles of trail then take a 5 minute break before doing the next 1.5 miles. I want to go as hard as I can and not worry about someone's feelings being hurt. . . . she has a vendetta against 2 other friends of mine because they dropped her on a group ride. She doesn't like riding with them because she gets dropped, but then she's also mad if they don't invite her. . . . .

I did my first metric centennial last year (road biking) and I was averaging around maybe 14 mph (not on the centennial, just on regular rides) and I still haven't got up the courage to join the local group rides yet because I don't want to hold anybody back and I'm worried that they might be concerned about hurting my feelings and refuse to drop me. The last thing I would EVER want to do would be to hold anybody else back.

She's being self-centered and immature - and maybe a little manipulative. She sounds kind of high-maintenance.

On the other hand! It's always great to have group support in new endeavors and I, myself, would not want to mountain bike alone as a beginner. She went through a lot of trouble to get a group together to ride. If the others haven't surpassed her, maybe they will be willing to continue frequent group rides together and if they keep it up, she might be able to keep up with you at some point. In the mean time maybe you could go on rides with her occasionally to give her some support when the other riders can't go, but let her know that you've taken it to the next level yourself and that you're truly enjoying riding alone. If she's a good friend, she should be happy for you. You obviously care a lot for her and she should care for you as much.

[Eden]

She sounds . . . . ? . . . . . like a very confusing person. She wants to be competitive and obviously wants to be the big leader or whatever - but over an hour to go 7 miles? Seriously??? Taking breaks after 1.5 miles?

Lime was referring to mountain biking in that particular post- very different than road biking. If the trail is at all technical or hilly that speed may not be seriously unreasonable, even if it is slower than than Lime or her friends can go.

[staceysue]

Lime was referring to mountain biking in that particular post- very different than road biking. If the trail is at all technical or hilly that speed may not be seriously unreasonable, even if it is slower than than Lime or her friends can go.

OH! Sorry 'bout that. I've never been mountain biking, but I did once try to take my old cruiser down a mountain bike trail and I couldn't even go 1.5 miles. It was very hard.

I edited my former post.

[tulip]

Limewave, sometimes when I'm having difficulty advocating for myself for whatever reason, I find it really helpful to act as my own agent. That is, act and speak as if I were speaking for someone else, like a client. If I'm acting or speaking on behalf of a client (even if that client is me), I tend to be looking out for the client as opposed to worrying about what the other person thinks. It always works and is rather empowering.

That might help you in this situation.