Cycling goals ruining friendship

[limewave]

You'all are affirming what I've been feeling. I just don't want to be a bi***. Thanks for the support! Riding is my "Happy Place" and it hasn't felt that way lately. It's been stressful and frustrating.

I'll just have to assert myself. I was going to come up with a regimented training schedule this weekend. That will be my alibi if she confronts me on my "solo" riding

[ginny]

I tend to agree with lph, but I too am such a loner that no one thinks anything of me saying, nope, not today. I think that we, as women, maybe worry a lot more about being sensitive than men do. I don't think this is a bad thing. I too wouldn't want my schedule interrupted that much during the day - I think that's an appropriate excuse. Sarah (?) is that her name? was a good buddy when you needed one. Remember that and be sensitive to her feelings, but you have goals and that's okay. Sometimes just saying you can't make their rides is good enough. You don't have to explain that you are going on your own ride at a different time/location that day... but maybe that's just the loner in me talking...

[zoom-zoom]

I'll just have to assert myself. I was going to come up with a regimented training schedule this weekend. That will be my alibi if she confronts me on my "solo" riding

I think the training plan is a VERY good idea! I have a close friend who I run with when it fits into my schedule. She knows this and is cool with it. She doesn't train with any specific plan, so she will often arrange it so that she can do a particular run with me when I am doing the run. She is a little bit slower than I am, so I always assume that those runs will be easier runs for me, which is good. She treats these runs as harder effort runs.

[ny biker]

That will be my alibi if she confronts me on my "solo" riding

You don't need an alibi. You are not responsible for her emotional problems.

This all started because you have goals for weight loss, fitness and racing. You don't have to apologize to anyone for working to meet those goals.

[indysteel]

That will be my alibi if she confronts me on my "solo" riding

I know you're probably being a bit facetious in saying that, but I think it bears repeating--at least to yourself--that you're not doing anything wrong--such that you need an alibi--in choosing to ride by yourself. I agree that there are ways to be sensitive to Sarah's feelings. IMO, however, the best way to deal with difficult people (be they selfish, manipulative, or hyper-sensitive) is to feel secure in your own fundamental right to take care of yourself and to act accordingly. Don't allow yourself to be guilted into thinking otherwise.

[Cataboo]

I don't think you need to worry about Sarah at all - she's coordinating group rides, so if you drop out - she's still got people to bike with.

Not that you need an alibi, but it should be perfectly reasonable to tell her, you've got a job, children, and a husband - when you have time to ride it's precious and you need to make the most of it right now.

I'm not sure why it's actually a problem - if I bike with someone that's faster than me, I feel absolutely terrible for slowing them down and do my best to keep up. I will stop and take a break if I know imminent bonking is about to happen or I feel like I'm going to over heat - but if I"m taking a break, I tell them to ride up ahead without me. It pushes me a bit as a cyclist - and then I make sure to give them about 20 chances to drop out if they offer to ride with me again.

I have a hard time riding with someone a slower than me - it's okay if you're just tooling around town and talking... but I can't get a workout out of it and it seems to hurt my "training/performance" over all if I do it too often.

[ny biker]

Sounds like you've gotten a lot of great feedback--

I just wanted to add though, just because Sarah has a different idea of group rides or different goals for cycling, it does not really mean she has "emotional problems." A lot of people don't like getting dropped, it can be demoralizing (to them), and maybe her feelings were a little hurt by being excluded in the past. I think a lot of us have been there once or twice at some point.

I think you put it great, to explain that cycling is your "happy place" and to simply say that you need your alone time to train... but you'd love to meet up after or for a later ride.

Happy training and good luck!

She has a "vendetta" against people who stopped riding with her because she got too upset about being dropped. That is not an emotionally healthy response.

[jp4995]

I thought this was an interesting article, relevant to the discussion at hand:

http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/perso....html?hpt=Sbin

[shootingstar]

I thought this was an interesting article, relevant to the discussion at hand:

http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/perso....html?hpt=Sbin

Depends on the personality of the person-- male or female who have acquaintances to share common fun activities but aren't really close friends..and are able not to mix up the distinctions between activity acquaintances and close friends.

In a way, no different from having different 'friends' to share different facets of ourselves.

My closest friends do not even cycle much at all. But they are the ones who have known me for several decades. THough they are on slightly different paths, most interestingly on the health/fitness side, each of us have separately found our own individual paths to finding different types of exercises/sports and foods to help ourselves. We don't spend much time talking about this facet because that is not the original /real purpose of such close friendships have with these women. They will be there for me, even if I should lose interest in cycling (which I hope won't occur for the next few decades.).

Doesn't preclude other cycling-related friendships from developing further, but if a person feels at all slighted/competitive, the friendship will not deepen nor become closer for quite awhile, if that.

[PamNY]

I thought this was an interesting article, relevant to the discussion at hand:

http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/perso....html?hpt=Sbin

That is interesting -- in recent years, I've developed "special interest" friends and it's a lot of fun. But there are boundaries. For me, this was through birdwatching.

Hawks in NYC are a big deal and there is a huge emotional investment in the individual birds, so we shared some very emotional moments. I consider these people friends, but the friendship is limited. I was confused at first but now I'm really enjoying having this group in my life.

Thanks for posting that article. Also thanks to the OP; this has been a good discussion.

[HermitGirl]

Well, I'm not even anywhere near a competative rider as you ladies are here, though maybe I once was over a decade ago (never raced). I want only to get back into riding, after many long years getting out of shape, but, I seem to have attracted my best friend who lives nearby into the sport as well. We are two slowriders happily riding the steep mtn that we live on, but, here's the catch ; we have different schedules and so far I've not ridden mostly because I'd be leaving her out. She is just a beginner, (but strong, and very able) and well, I feel guilty, like I'm 'secret training' if I plan to go out alone.

The sad truth is, she's had her bike for about a year now, and neither one of us has ridden much since she got her bike, because we want to 'ride together'. A year has proven that I'm not going to get fit waiting for her, and I really want to get started again. Feeling held back, and oh so out of shape, and I want to not blame it on this predicament, but sadly, ever since she got a bike, I've had very little incentive to ride on my own like I use to. It's not so much that the cycling goals are ruining my friendship, but my friendship ruining my cycling... period.

Can I ask for advice on this thread too?

[featuretile]

I also felt a little intimidated about group rides and getting dropped. I don't want to slow anybody down, but I also do not want to ride by myself either. I started to pick group rides where I knew the route so if I ended up alone, it would not be a big deal. Or I would make arrangements to meet up with someone else who was close to my speed and stay with them.

A few weeks ago I arrived at a ride start and didn't really know anyone there. I asked one group ready to leave if they were doing the B ride and no, they were doing the fast, long ride. Then I asked a woman standing next to me what her plans were and we decided to ride together. It was great. We were perfectly matched. Now we call each other to see if we are both going on rides. It is so much fun to ride with someone that you don't have to wait for or will leave you in the dust. And I'm getting better, so we did get to the lunch stop when the club was still there.

I'm a newer rider and she's been riding awhile but is getting older and not as fast as before. She didn't tell me her age until we'd gone out together a few times because she was afraid I wouldn't want to ride with her. She's 71. That is absolutely fantastic to me. If I can do this at 71, I will be very happy.

[Flybye]

From a counselors perspective this is not at all about getting dropped - it is about an insecure woman with friendship issues. She is afraid of being abandoned as a friend and the ride is just a metaphor. Blatant honesty with her about you being afraid that you will become another one of her "people I put on my vendetta list" simply because you have differing goals is the only and best way to solve the problem. Put the challenge on her to find a way to find a way to accept the fact that you can still like her AND go on bike rides without her.