Cycling goals ruining friendship

[ny biker]

Sounds like you've gotten a lot of great feedback--

I just wanted to add though, just because Sarah has a different idea of group rides or different goals for cycling, it does not really mean she has "emotional problems." A lot of people don't like getting dropped, it can be demoralizing (to them), and maybe her feelings were a little hurt by being excluded in the past. I think a lot of us have been there once or twice at some point.

I think you put it great, to explain that cycling is your "happy place" and to simply say that you need your alone time to train... but you'd love to meet up after or for a later ride.

Happy training and good luck!

She has a "vendetta" against people who stopped riding with her because she got too upset about being dropped. That is not an emotionally healthy response.

[jp4995]

I thought this was an interesting article, relevant to the discussion at hand:

http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/perso....html?hpt=Sbin

[shootingstar]

I thought this was an interesting article, relevant to the discussion at hand:

http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/perso....html?hpt=Sbin

Depends on the personality of the person-- male or female who have acquaintances to share common fun activities but aren't really close friends..and are able not to mix up the distinctions between activity acquaintances and close friends.

In a way, no different from having different 'friends' to share different facets of ourselves.

My closest friends do not even cycle much at all. But they are the ones who have known me for several decades. THough they are on slightly different paths, most interestingly on the health/fitness side, each of us have separately found our own individual paths to finding different types of exercises/sports and foods to help ourselves. We don't spend much time talking about this facet because that is not the original /real purpose of such close friendships have with these women. They will be there for me, even if I should lose interest in cycling (which I hope won't occur for the next few decades.).

Doesn't preclude other cycling-related friendships from developing further, but if a person feels at all slighted/competitive, the friendship will not deepen nor become closer for quite awhile, if that.

[PamNY]

I thought this was an interesting article, relevant to the discussion at hand:

http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/perso....html?hpt=Sbin

That is interesting -- in recent years, I've developed "special interest" friends and it's a lot of fun. But there are boundaries. For me, this was through birdwatching.

Hawks in NYC are a big deal and there is a huge emotional investment in the individual birds, so we shared some very emotional moments. I consider these people friends, but the friendship is limited. I was confused at first but now I'm really enjoying having this group in my life.

Thanks for posting that article. Also thanks to the OP; this has been a good discussion.

[staceysue]

Where to start?

. . . . . .started an email list of everyone we know and is coordinating tri-weekly daytime ride schedules. . . Sarah is very competitive. . . . .HATES, LOATHES BEING DROPPED). . . drove over an hour each way to ride 7 miles of single-track . . . . 1.5 miles of trail then take a 5 minute break before doing the next 1.5 miles. I want to go as hard as I can and not worry about someone's feelings being hurt. . . . she has a vendetta against 2 other friends of mine because they dropped her on a group ride. She doesn't like riding with them because she gets dropped, but then she's also mad if they don't invite her. . . . .

I did my first metric centennial last year (road biking) and I was averaging around maybe 14 mph (not on the centennial, just on regular rides) and I still haven't got up the courage to join the local group rides yet because I don't want to hold anybody back and I'm worried that they might be concerned about hurting my feelings and refuse to drop me. The last thing I would EVER want to do would be to hold anybody else back.

She's being self-centered and immature - and maybe a little manipulative. She sounds kind of high-maintenance.

On the other hand! It's always great to have group support in new endeavors and I, myself, would not want to mountain bike alone as a beginner. She went through a lot of trouble to get a group together to ride. If the others haven't surpassed her, maybe they will be willing to continue frequent group rides together and if they keep it up, she might be able to keep up with you at some point. In the mean time maybe you could go on rides with her occasionally to give her some support when the other riders can't go, but let her know that you've taken it to the next level yourself and that you're truly enjoying riding alone. If she's a good friend, she should be happy for you. You obviously care a lot for her and she should care for you as much.

[Eden]

She sounds . . . . ? . . . . . like a very confusing person. She wants to be competitive and obviously wants to be the big leader or whatever - but over an hour to go 7 miles? Seriously??? Taking breaks after 1.5 miles?

Lime was referring to mountain biking in that particular post- very different than road biking. If the trail is at all technical or hilly that speed may not be seriously unreasonable, even if it is slower than than Lime or her friends can go.

[staceysue]

Lime was referring to mountain biking in that particular post- very different than road biking. If the trail is at all technical or hilly that speed may not be seriously unreasonable, even if it is slower than than Lime or her friends can go.

OH! Sorry 'bout that. I've never been mountain biking, but I did once try to take my old cruiser down a mountain bike trail and I couldn't even go 1.5 miles. It was very hard.

I edited my former post.

[tulip]

Limewave, sometimes when I'm having difficulty advocating for myself for whatever reason, I find it really helpful to act as my own agent. That is, act and speak as if I were speaking for someone else, like a client. If I'm acting or speaking on behalf of a client (even if that client is me), I tend to be looking out for the client as opposed to worrying about what the other person thinks. It always works and is rather empowering.

That might help you in this situation.

[HermitGirl]

Well, I'm not even anywhere near a competative rider as you ladies are here, though maybe I once was over a decade ago (never raced). I want only to get back into riding, after many long years getting out of shape, but, I seem to have attracted my best friend who lives nearby into the sport as well. We are two slowriders happily riding the steep mtn that we live on, but, here's the catch ; we have different schedules and so far I've not ridden mostly because I'd be leaving her out. She is just a beginner, (but strong, and very able) and well, I feel guilty, like I'm 'secret training' if I plan to go out alone.

The sad truth is, she's had her bike for about a year now, and neither one of us has ridden much since she got her bike, because we want to 'ride together'. A year has proven that I'm not going to get fit waiting for her, and I really want to get started again. Feeling held back, and oh so out of shape, and I want to not blame it on this predicament, but sadly, ever since she got a bike, I've had very little incentive to ride on my own like I use to. It's not so much that the cycling goals are ruining my friendship, but my friendship ruining my cycling... period.

Can I ask for advice on this thread too?

[featuretile]

I also felt a little intimidated about group rides and getting dropped. I don't want to slow anybody down, but I also do not want to ride by myself either. I started to pick group rides where I knew the route so if I ended up alone, it would not be a big deal. Or I would make arrangements to meet up with someone else who was close to my speed and stay with them.

A few weeks ago I arrived at a ride start and didn't really know anyone there. I asked one group ready to leave if they were doing the B ride and no, they were doing the fast, long ride. Then I asked a woman standing next to me what her plans were and we decided to ride together. It was great. We were perfectly matched. Now we call each other to see if we are both going on rides. It is so much fun to ride with someone that you don't have to wait for or will leave you in the dust. And I'm getting better, so we did get to the lunch stop when the club was still there.

I'm a newer rider and she's been riding awhile but is getting older and not as fast as before. She didn't tell me her age until we'd gone out together a few times because she was afraid I wouldn't want to ride with her. She's 71. That is absolutely fantastic to me. If I can do this at 71, I will be very happy.

[Flybye]

From a counselors perspective this is not at all about getting dropped - it is about an insecure woman with friendship issues. She is afraid of being abandoned as a friend and the ride is just a metaphor. Blatant honesty with her about you being afraid that you will become another one of her "people I put on my vendetta list" simply because you have differing goals is the only and best way to solve the problem. Put the challenge on her to find a way to find a way to accept the fact that you can still like her AND go on bike rides without her.

[lph]

I'm known as that much of a loner that if someone asks "hey, shall we do this or that together?" I can say "sorry, not today, I need/want to ride on my own today, how about Thursday", and then I can make Thursday the social occasion.
(...) There isn't really any reason you should have to defend wanting to do something on your own instead of with a group of people.

It's ironic that I wrote this just a short while ago, because it turned out I was being way too optimistic. As I've mentioned here elsewhere, in the meantime a friend of mine asked me to ride with him, I told him sorry, not today, I ended up riding on my own (I had planned to ride with another, new group but managed to mess up and miss it), and was "spotted" by said friend who went ballistic...

I find it completely bizarre behaviour, but if it's any consolation to those of you out there with friends who read all kinds of personal behaviour, wants and likings into biking, there seem to be lots of us, unfortunately.

From a non-counselors point of view I have trouble understanding how someone insecure and worried about being abandoned will do everything possible to actually hurt people to the point that they WILL be abandoned. What's up with that?

[Crankin]

What's up with that is that they are continually recreating the abandonment that occurred in the first place. They don't know what else to do.

[lph]

Okay. So any good tips on how to handle it? I'm not being facetious, I just have no clue.

[Crankin]

Well, I am not sure what to tell you. You can point blank ask them, "Do you realize what you are doing?" This would be in reference to what they are doing to you.... and if you can, tell the person how it makes you feel, using non-judgmental language. if you know anything about their background, family of origin, you might have an inkling about what the original abandonment was. Maybe if you can get the friend to see his/her pattern with you, he or she will see that this is a common thread in their life.
But, really, one needs therapy to work through this.