Medical update: The good news is, all blood work has come back normal. No celiac, no hormone problems, nothing. All my results came back in the normal ranges. A little high on the sugar, but not diabetic. A little low on the thyroid hormones, but still normal. My endocrinologist is going to have me do a 24-hour urine collection to test for Cushings, but he said today that if it's not that, he's not sure what else it could be.

I did some reading online and while I have several Cushings symptoms, I don't think it's the answer, either. He checked my abdomen and I don't have the too-much-cortisol indicators. (I have been living under a high level of stress, though, for almost twenty years. Actually, all my life. But it's not indicated in the blood tests as having any sort of effect on my system.)

Meanwhile, I'm now swimming a mile at the Y a couple days each week, and 10+-mile bike rides a couple times a week, and I'm still trying to be conscious of what I eat, although not super restrictive because I find that stressful, having to track everything so closely.

I asked him if I could have a referral to a nutritionist and he's handing me back off to my family practitioner because he's run every test he could think of (except for the Cushings thing, which will happen this weekend).

So I'm back to square one, but feeling pretty old (I turned 46 a week ago), frustrated, angry at myself for not being able to lose this weight (because obviously it's all in my head), and nowhere close to answers that will help me get fit.

I've been fat all my life, and he actually said today, "It may be that this is just what it is." Meaning my body has a set weight of 230, and unless I want to try gastric bypass, he can't help me.

I told him I don't want surgery because I wouldn't be able to eat for cycling or swimming...I wouldn't be able to train. My mom has had lap band surgery and it helped her lose 80 lbs in a year, but her diet is extremely limited, she can only eat 5oz of food at a time (although she regularly overdoes this and blames it on a faulty band adjustment), and often throws up whatever she's just eaten. I've been out to eat with her several times and she's had to excuse herself from the table to rush to the bathroom because "it's just not staying down." I don't want to live like that.

He also suggested their weight loss program, but I've done it before, and while there was some nutrition included, the teacher kept saying it was just a calories in-calories out equation and here, buy some of our chocolate shakes and chocolate-peanut butter bars and then eat a regular balanced meal once a day. No thanks.

I just want to cry. My life has been dominated by weight. I'm tired of being the fat mom. I'm embarrassed to run into women I know at the Y in the locker room, because there I am in all my pale, whale-like glory, and yeah, I just swam a mile, but who cares? I still look like a ten months pregnant pear.

I'm a bit, I don't know what I'm feeling about this, but the two tall, healthy, gorgeous friends I got into cycling a year ago are outriding me on a regular basis. I just can't keep up. I'm a hundred pounds heavier than they are. I can go farther, but nowhere near as fast. I can't even ride with them because I don't want to compromise their workout because I'm so much slower than they are. They're both training for the women-only tri in October, the one I invited them to join me for last year (I did the bike leg with two other friends for a relay team). They both had to get bikes to do it.

Ditto for the swimming. They are like dolphins. I'm a manatee.

And my knee (MCL) still hurts from that ridiculous 5K Everyday plan in August.

I'm feeling really isolated. My gut is telling me there's something wrong, but none of the medical tests back this up, so I'm wondering if I'm just deluding myself and I should just shut up and stick to the stupid whole grain-organic everything diet of the day, count the points, weigh everything, add up all the calories and deduct the exercise calories burned, if that number is even accurate for me because my body is so out of whack I have no idea if what's on the Garmin is accurate...I'm whining. I'm sorry.

I read in the October SELF that we should aim for 75 minutes of aerobic exercise every week to jump start weight loss. I had to laugh. 75 minutes a week??? I'm doing 75 minutes every other day, and a half hour on the days in between. If those skinny models are only doing 75 minutes a week to look like that, why can't all the exercise I'm doing pay off for me, too?

Whine, whine, whine...

The big update, though, is that I don't have anything showing in any blood tests that would indicate a reason why this weight isn't coming off. "It just is what it is."

Roxy