Dear So and So

[OakLeaf]

Dear puppies (again),

Here's the deal. There aren't many places in the USA where dogs can get away with being wild, and this isn't one of them. I've tried my darndest to get you to trust me enough to catch you. I've found the guy who owns your mother, and he's done everything he can do to catch you, too. He's mentioned calling the dog warden. The fact that he didn't socialize you from birth gives you an idea of how much he cares about you, so if I have to call the dog warden, I don't expect he's going to pay the money and go through the process to get you out. And, if you go there and don't let anyone touch you, they're going to decide pretty quickly that you're not adoptable.

I can't have wild dogs living under my shrubbery. You've got until Friday to get in the trap or let me, my husband or your owner catch you. After that I'm calling the dog warden.

Signed,
Heartbroken

[TriMom217]

Dear upstairs neighbors--
TURN YOUR MUSIC DOWN. I should not be able to pick out the lyrics.

and while we're at it....

next door neighbor, did you know that when you leave your dog barks NONSTOP until you return? Of course I can't complain to the landlord, your father, because since my daughter needed to move in I have 2 dogs when the lease only says I can have one. My daughter's dog barks EVERY time you slam the door, which you do EVERY time you close it. He also barks every time you sound like you're crashing down the stairs, which I'm sure is every time you go either up or down the stairs.

So while I'm in no position to complain, I sure wish I had a more considerate neighbor. I'm pretty sure it's my rent check that pays the mortgage on this place which was empty for quite a while before we moved in.

I won't even start on how early you feel the need to mow every Saturday morning......

[ccnyc]

Dear V.Q.G.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful consideration of the situation. I know you need to do what's best for your bottom line, but your decision will either save or kill 14 years of hard work so I ask that you take that into consideration when making your decision. I know you'll do what you think is right, so thank you in advance for making a decision that will benefit everyone.

[Eden]

Dear guy in the pick up truck yakking on the cell phone. I really did not need to see you kill that poor little dog. If you had been %^&*# paying attention to driving you would not have hit him. I was behind you and had plenty of time to see what was happening. What if next time its a little kid that runs out into the street instead of a little dog. Hang up and pay attention or get out from behind the wheel.

[BikeDutchess]

Dear famous surgeon,

We traveled 7 hours each way for this 3-month post-surgical check-up, and incurred hotel expenses as well. We were on time for our 10:30 appointment. Making us wait two-and-a-half hours in the waiting room, another 45 min in the exam room, and then breezing in for a 2 minute "fly-by" visit without even an apology for the long wait is very annoying. I know you're considered one of the "gods" who invented this procedure, and that you probably got stuck in the OR, and we are truly grateful for the good outcome of our child's surgery, but some acknowledgement of the value of our time would have been appreciated. We probably could have phoned this one in and saved ourselves a lot of time and money.

[Biciclista]

Dear famous surgeon,

We traveled 7 hours each way for this 3-month post-surgical check-up, and incurred hotel expenses as well. We were on time for our 10:30 appointment. Making us wait two-and-a-half hours in the waiting room, another 45 min in the exam room, and then breezing in for a 2 minute "fly-by" visit without even an apology for the long wait is very annoying. I know you're considered one of the "gods" who invented this procedure, and that you probably got stuck in the OR, and we are truly grateful for the good outcome of our child's surgery, but some acknowledgement of the value of our time would have been appreciated. We probably could have phoned this one in and saved ourselves a lot of time and money.

holy cow. I hope you complained somewhere else.

[lph]

Oh Eden

[lph]

I was clearing out some files at work (yes, I did have better things to do, but we were alle ordered to) and came across the following little gem I wrote back in 2001. I'm tooting my own horn here, but I found it pretty darn funny

It's in reply to a snotty note from the publishers of a computer magazine ("CM"):

"Re: unpaid CM subscription

In a letter dated Feb. 26th, you refer to our "delinquent account", as you call it, as we haven't paid for our subscription yet. You also write: "When you ordered CM, we accepted your word that you would pay your bill." I might point out that when we ordered CM, we accepted your word that you would actually deliver the magazine. So far we have not received a single regular issue, and your threat of not sending any more issues is hardly alarming.

What we have received is the trial issue we ordered last November. After two follow-up emails. In January. I presume that the point of a trial issue is to let readers decide whether or not they want a continued subscription. Sending no less than two requests for payment before the trial issue has even arrived is a bit excessive. Your claiming that you have sent four unanswered requests for payment when we in fact have emailed you twice, is downright annoying.

In spite of all this, we do actually want a subscription for CM. As we wrote to you in December, we will pay the bill in full as soon as we receive our first regular, somewhat current issue."

[Aggie_Ama]

Dear Co-Workers,

Yes I know when someone takes vacation you have to do extra work. Yes I know it sucks. We all do it and we all make it, don't make people feel like crud because they are taking a well deserved vacation. I did your work when you took a week off so don't complain for a month before my week off it just makes you look like a self centered brat!

Thanks,
A Willing Team Player

[Zen]

In other words, "this is how it is. Deal with it" and be thankful you have a job

[bmccasland]

Dear PNW office,
Would you please make the notifications.... the waiting to know if I got the job or not is maddening. Do I get ready for hurricane season or get ready to move?
Yeah, I know it's already hurricane season, AND there's a system in the Gulf, but the weather prognosticators say it isn't a big deal - except to the ships sucking oil from the Deepwater Horizon Disaster.

So come monday, a decision, OK?

[alexis_the_tiny]

Dear _____,

If you wanted to have dinner with your teamates, SAY SO IN THE FIRST PLACE. Don't agree to have dinner with me, then go all Hmmm and huuuh and then tell me you'd like a post race nap and can we please cancel dinner. And then I DON'T DARE CALL YOU BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO DISTURB YOUR POST RACE NAP AND LOOK LIKE AN ******* and it turns out, you FINALLY call me and YOU'RE HAVING DINNER WITH YOUR TEAMATES. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I'M DOING THIS ANY MORE BECAUSE THIS ISN'T EVEN THE FIRST TIME.

Me.

(Excuse the caps.)

Also:

Dear best friend,

I wish you were home. I miss talking to you on the phone and being able to just go out with you. BBM, twitter and skype doesn't make being on a completely different continent from you any less hard.

[Owlie]

Dear BF--
You have no idea how much I was looking forward to seeing you next weekend...okay, I think you do. I'm sorry it can't happen and neither of us can do anything about it. (Does your boss just hate the idea of your wanting to take time off? This happened last time too.) Just survive the next month and a bit. You'll be back here before you know it.
Love,
Me.

Dear impatient driver--
Okay, so a bunch of kids tried to make an ill-advised and ill-timed street crossing. No, I was not about to start trying to move. Honking at me and the kids and then trying to cut me off on the other side of the intersection is not the correct response to the situation. You may have gotten your precious hot dogs ten seconds sooner, but you're still an a**.

Dear certain manufacturer of cycling shoes--
Apparently I'm some kind of freak. (Okay, we knew that, but not for this reason.) I actually want to put SPD pedals on a road bike? Shame on me! Maybe I want some quality, breathable road shoes one day. I don't think this should require me to buy new pedals. Telling me to go buy mountain shoes is not useful. Is it too difficult to make adaptors for your newer soles? I'm not going hiking around in the wilderness here. I don't need the testosterone-driven chunkiness of your MTB shoes that has managed to translate to its women's equivalent. The only ones that look as sleek as your road shoes are (surprise!) only available in men's. Know what? Screw you. I'm going to take my freak-heretic self and my cash and go buy myself some Keens. You clearly don't want the likes of me tarnishing the reputation of your shoes of Teh Awesome, so I clearly don't need to justify the existence of your line of MTB shoes.
--Someone who would have gladly bought your ridiculously expensive shoes had they worked with her pedals.

[MomOnBike]

Dear Body,

Please reconsider your new policy of an Annual Major Health Event. Three years in a row is quite enough.

Thank you

Me

[snapdragen]

Dear Body,

Please reconsider your new policy of an Annual Major Health Event. Three years in a row is quite enough.

Thank you

Me

I would like to second this motion -- I was joking about the surgery once a year hobby.