Cycling goals ruining friendship

[indysteel]

Alright, this is gonna sound harsh but here goes.

You are being way too girly about this. You don't enjoy the group rides because of the drama, and because you " want to go as hard as I can and not worry about someone's feelings being hurt."

The group rides aren't working for you. So stop going on them, and go out for beer with your friend instead. Women are never going to get where we should be in society and sports and everything else if we keep apologizing and worrying about somebody's feelings being hurt because we are good at something.

You don't have to be a jerk about it. Don't say "you're a slug and a drama queen and immature", even if it is somewhat true. We all fall short of perfection in many areas.

Above all, stop the analyzing and justifying. That's another girly tactic we use when we want to do something that we really enjoy. It gives you a thrill to ride fast and train hard, so do it and don't apologize.

Amen to this.

I do think women are socialized to care about everybody else's well being over and above our own. While I think there's a place for selflessness and nurturing, I generally subscribe to the airplane model of self-preservation. Put your own oxygen mask on first before helping anyone else. I'm much better at meeting other people's needs if I generally meet my own first.

As for Sarah, Limewave, I think there's a tactful way to make sure you get your training rides in at times that work for you. How she reacts to that is not your problem. Given what you've shared about her, I'm not even sure she's really a friend worth having. In the very least, don't be bullied by her.
Respectfully stand your ground.

[limewave]

You'all are affirming what I've been feeling. I just don't want to be a bi***. Thanks for the support! Riding is my "Happy Place" and it hasn't felt that way lately. It's been stressful and frustrating.

I'll just have to assert myself. I was going to come up with a regimented training schedule this weekend. That will be my alibi if she confronts me on my "solo" riding

[ginny]

I tend to agree with lph, but I too am such a loner that no one thinks anything of me saying, nope, not today. I think that we, as women, maybe worry a lot more about being sensitive than men do. I don't think this is a bad thing. I too wouldn't want my schedule interrupted that much during the day - I think that's an appropriate excuse. Sarah (?) is that her name? was a good buddy when you needed one. Remember that and be sensitive to her feelings, but you have goals and that's okay. Sometimes just saying you can't make their rides is good enough. You don't have to explain that you are going on your own ride at a different time/location that day... but maybe that's just the loner in me talking...

[zoom-zoom]

I'll just have to assert myself. I was going to come up with a regimented training schedule this weekend. That will be my alibi if she confronts me on my "solo" riding

I think the training plan is a VERY good idea! I have a close friend who I run with when it fits into my schedule. She knows this and is cool with it. She doesn't train with any specific plan, so she will often arrange it so that she can do a particular run with me when I am doing the run. She is a little bit slower than I am, so I always assume that those runs will be easier runs for me, which is good. She treats these runs as harder effort runs.

[ny biker]

That will be my alibi if she confronts me on my "solo" riding

You don't need an alibi. You are not responsible for her emotional problems.

This all started because you have goals for weight loss, fitness and racing. You don't have to apologize to anyone for working to meet those goals.

[indysteel]

That will be my alibi if she confronts me on my "solo" riding

I know you're probably being a bit facetious in saying that, but I think it bears repeating--at least to yourself--that you're not doing anything wrong--such that you need an alibi--in choosing to ride by yourself. I agree that there are ways to be sensitive to Sarah's feelings. IMO, however, the best way to deal with difficult people (be they selfish, manipulative, or hyper-sensitive) is to feel secure in your own fundamental right to take care of yourself and to act accordingly. Don't allow yourself to be guilted into thinking otherwise.

[Cataboo]

I don't think you need to worry about Sarah at all - she's coordinating group rides, so if you drop out - she's still got people to bike with.

Not that you need an alibi, but it should be perfectly reasonable to tell her, you've got a job, children, and a husband - when you have time to ride it's precious and you need to make the most of it right now.

I'm not sure why it's actually a problem - if I bike with someone that's faster than me, I feel absolutely terrible for slowing them down and do my best to keep up. I will stop and take a break if I know imminent bonking is about to happen or I feel like I'm going to over heat - but if I"m taking a break, I tell them to ride up ahead without me. It pushes me a bit as a cyclist - and then I make sure to give them about 20 chances to drop out if they offer to ride with me again.

I have a hard time riding with someone a slower than me - it's okay if you're just tooling around town and talking... but I can't get a workout out of it and it seems to hurt my "training/performance" over all if I do it too often.

[ny biker]

Sounds like you've gotten a lot of great feedback--

I just wanted to add though, just because Sarah has a different idea of group rides or different goals for cycling, it does not really mean she has "emotional problems." A lot of people don't like getting dropped, it can be demoralizing (to them), and maybe her feelings were a little hurt by being excluded in the past. I think a lot of us have been there once or twice at some point.

I think you put it great, to explain that cycling is your "happy place" and to simply say that you need your alone time to train... but you'd love to meet up after or for a later ride.

Happy training and good luck!

She has a "vendetta" against people who stopped riding with her because she got too upset about being dropped. That is not an emotionally healthy response.

[jp4995]

I thought this was an interesting article, relevant to the discussion at hand:

http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/perso....html?hpt=Sbin

[HermitGirl]

Well, I'm not even anywhere near a competative rider as you ladies are here, though maybe I once was over a decade ago (never raced). I want only to get back into riding, after many long years getting out of shape, but, I seem to have attracted my best friend who lives nearby into the sport as well. We are two slowriders happily riding the steep mtn that we live on, but, here's the catch ; we have different schedules and so far I've not ridden mostly because I'd be leaving her out. She is just a beginner, (but strong, and very able) and well, I feel guilty, like I'm 'secret training' if I plan to go out alone.

The sad truth is, she's had her bike for about a year now, and neither one of us has ridden much since she got her bike, because we want to 'ride together'. A year has proven that I'm not going to get fit waiting for her, and I really want to get started again. Feeling held back, and oh so out of shape, and I want to not blame it on this predicament, but sadly, ever since she got a bike, I've had very little incentive to ride on my own like I use to. It's not so much that the cycling goals are ruining my friendship, but my friendship ruining my cycling... period.

Can I ask for advice on this thread too?

[featuretile]

I also felt a little intimidated about group rides and getting dropped. I don't want to slow anybody down, but I also do not want to ride by myself either. I started to pick group rides where I knew the route so if I ended up alone, it would not be a big deal. Or I would make arrangements to meet up with someone else who was close to my speed and stay with them.

A few weeks ago I arrived at a ride start and didn't really know anyone there. I asked one group ready to leave if they were doing the B ride and no, they were doing the fast, long ride. Then I asked a woman standing next to me what her plans were and we decided to ride together. It was great. We were perfectly matched. Now we call each other to see if we are both going on rides. It is so much fun to ride with someone that you don't have to wait for or will leave you in the dust. And I'm getting better, so we did get to the lunch stop when the club was still there.

I'm a newer rider and she's been riding awhile but is getting older and not as fast as before. She didn't tell me her age until we'd gone out together a few times because she was afraid I wouldn't want to ride with her. She's 71. That is absolutely fantastic to me. If I can do this at 71, I will be very happy.

[PamNY]

While I think there's a place for selflessness and nurturing, I generally subscribe to the airplane model of self-preservation. Put your own oxygen mask on first before helping anyone else.

What a wonderful analogy. I look forward to having a chance to use this in conversation.