How much do looks define your self-image?

[Bruno28]

Alternatively - wait until your hair is such a disaster area that you are forced to walk into the nearest hairdresser and ask for 'something short and easy to manage'

Realise that even the worst haircut will grow out in a matter of a couple of weeks.

Bruno - who's really not that comfortable with people invading her personal space.

Imagine my reaction to my friend's suggestion we have a pre-wedding spa day. (Her response - 'I sense your buttocks are clenching')

[OakLeaf]

walk into the nearest hairdresser and ask for 'something short and easy to manage'

Uh-uh. My hair is short and spectacularly easy to manage. I had no idea how much skill it takes to cut it until I learned the hard way!

Thanks, Miranda - part of that equation is also making sure the person you ask has hair like yours, too - thick or thin, coarse or fine, whether the cut is traditional or contemporary, etc. I did that once but unfortunately her stylist wasn't taking any new clients.

I've finally found someone who does a pretty good job with my hair and I'm sticking with him... even though his salon is dirty, he smells like cigarette smoke and he's constantly complaining about his son's mother, politics, or something. It's totally worth it to tolerate the nasty environment once every three or four weeks, to get a decent haircut.

[redrhodie]

That thread got me thinking, too. Society may not think I'm as hot as I was at 20, but I FEEL hotter now. If given the choice, I would not go back to my younger self. I feel stronger than ever, and I think I look better than ever, too.

So, I guess I am still defined by my self image, but that image is finally something I like, not something I want to change. Who would have thought, that the girl who hated her appearance for so many years, would finally be able to feel this way! Yay for getting older!

[short cut sally]

Well said Mr. Silver...

I did feel better about myself say about 3 years ago, when I just lost 40#'s, and could fit into those "skinny jeans" -ok, my version of skinny jeans. I've gained some weight back, but I am still considering myself in better shape now than what I was in high school. I played sports too in school. I am presently 42.

[eclectic]

That thread got me thinking, too. Society may not think I'm as hot as I was at 20, but I FEEL hotter now. If given the choice, I would not go back to my younger self. I feel stronger than ever, and I think I look better than ever, too.

So, I guess I am still defined by my self image, but that image is finally something I like, not something I want to change. Who would have thought, that the girl who hated her appearance for so many years, would finally be able to feel this way! Yay for getting older!

Yeah redrhodie! ! ! !

Since I turned 50 I do feel waaaaay better about myself. I look in the mirror and think - you look pretty darn good for 52!

I do dye my hair, when I was younger I said I never would, but it faded to a very unattractive mousey gray that isn't pretty on anyone and I felt dragged me down.
I let my hair grow just for convenience - it is has a lot of natural curl (think poodle when it is short) so wearing it long and being able to ponytail or french braid it is much simpler

I am trying to lose weight partially for looks but a lot more so I can ride up hills faster and run faster.

And, Yes, I do have to admit it feels good to look "HOT" once in awhile. I am single and it is an ego boost to get "hit on" by guys in their 30's. And no . . . it wasn't that dark in there

But at the end of the day it isn't how hot you look - as Mr Silver said - it is what your personality is - a lot of "hot" people get pretty ugly after you get to know them.

Here is a story on how much value a lot of people put on looks.
True BTW the poor ex-husband works w/ a friend of mine

When they filed for divorce she put in the decree that he was to pay for her to get breast implants because in her words "she had to be on the market again and needed to look her best" (I guess she didn't care if they knew what color her eyes were)

Unbelievingly the judge upheld the request the only thing he changed was she pay for 1/2 and the ex-husband pay for 1/2.

Unbeknownst to her she is being snickered about a lot behind her back that she is that shallow and he was smart to be rid of her.
BUT she does get a lot of dates.

I, on the other hand, am now happy to be a B - they don't sag, I can run w/o a bra, and they don't define who I am as a woman AND I can button up all my shirts, and the mammogram only takes 2 shots per side . . . need I go on?

[Aggie_Ama]

I do know a lot of women who feel much better about themselves after getting implants, which I think is a perfectly fine reason to get plastic surgery. I knew someone who got a nose job, same thing. She didn't obsess over it or discuss it to the point of making us sick. She just did it and then told us once. It was the end of it. I just feel awkward and even annoyed somedays being complimented on something I didn't ask for that I find a bit trivial. And I do have a friend that I love dearly that is absolutely obssessed with wanting implants to the point that I think it is unhealthy. In the five years we have been friends my breasts and her lack of has been discussed more times than I really think is appropriate. I still cherish her friendship but I tell her about it. I also tell her if she does buy herself implants I don't think it will solve the true problem (but probably not in such a blunt way). She knows she has self-esteem issues.

Now when the only cousin (there are 5 kids) that didn't getting blue eyes goes on about my blue eyes, I laugh! And I do relish compliments on my blue eyes, they are just like my dad's. Probably why I wear make up every day, they have drawn compliments all my life. So I guess we all have the potential to be vain.

[beccaB]

My hair is turning silver and I think it is a bright vibrant color, and actually pretty. It makes my plain brown hair more interesting. But it amazes me how many people have noticed it and asked me if I will get it colored! I am NOT into that kind of maintenance!
If you want to experience what being superficial is, ride on a school bus and listen to pre-teens. I am shocked and appalled at their belief system and how easily they voice their opinions, however misguided.

[katluvr]

I did "scan" but quickly quit reading the Best Bike Advice thread.
I must admit people are just too serious some times. I took it lightly and was not offended...I am not 50 yet, but hey it is close!

I, like most of you, am "fitter" and feel that I "look" better now that I am older partly d/u to my attitude --which is d/t my biking and running accomplishments.

But I digress...these 2 threads are just so much more interesting since I just received a video call "Cougar Barbie". Since Barbie is now 50. It was just so hilarious. But if I shared...I fear people will be offended. Which brings me full circle. Maybe we take things to seriously and don't find the humor or fun that was intended.

Age is a number. Somedays it matters and some days it does not! And, can you really tell how old anyone is these days? Especially in a bike helmet and when the fly past you on a bike...then you see the number on their calf (body marking in a tri) and they are 60 or 70! Now that is HOT!

[sfa]

My hair is turning silver and I think it is a bright vibrant color, and actually pretty. It makes my plain brown hair more interesting.

My grandmother was a redhead, but by the time she was 40 her hair had turned completely white and I'm told that she and everyone around her thought it was drop-dead gorgeous (and she liked it that she could wear colors with white hair that she couldn't wear when her hair was red).

My mother promised me that this would happen with my red hair too, since my grandmother was the only relative we knew of who had red hair. No such luck. I turned 40 last month and there's no sign of my hair going white.

Enjoy your silver--I agree that it adds depth and sparkle to a head of hair!

Sarah

[tulip]

It's admirable to say that the only kind of beauty that matters is on the inside. I like how I am on the inside, but I also like looking good, no question. When I look good, I feel good. I walk with confidence and just feel good about myself. That goes for hair, clothes, makeup, and body. I lost about 20 lbs a few years ago, and have never felt better about myself. I would like to say that I would be just as happy with those 20lbs, but the fact is, I would not, and I did not. I don't want them back.

I work from home and I have to be careful not to slob-out. I don't often wear skirts and heels at home, although sometimes I do, but I do try to look well-put together. Yes, that's even if no one sees me, which happens often. It affects how I work, how I sit, how I talk on the phone. I do wear some makeup, even when I know I won't see anyone.

I haven't started going grey yet (I'm 41, go figure) and I don't know what I will do when that happens. I'll certainly give it a try, like Emmylou Harris. I love her hair. But it might not work for me, I don't know yet.

I'm not obsessed about how people perceive me; it's more about how I perceive me. It has to do with caring for myself.

[sundial]

Some of the most beautiful women I've known had one thing in common--confidence. That alone defined their beauty.

[tribogota]

Interesting thread, I teach gender and sexuality studies, so I think about these things frequently to help my students think about them. Yes, society does care and make us care up and we contribute by caring too. But, I actually think humans are less affected by the appearance thing than they think, something else makes them "approve" or "disapprove" of appearances. Not arrogance, but I was "hot" at 20 and am even "hotter" now that I train 10 hours a week for triathlon, but this doesn't help much else in my life, I have to constantly work on my own positive hopeful outlook on life. I live a fairly lonely existence, some very wonderful friends, but no intimacy even though I desire it and great losses in the past. Being cute, pretty, hot, whatever, didn't help in any given moment and still doesn't help, I can hardly get a date....
Didn't mean to sound so down, but wanted to contribute that the looks thing doesn't define a whole lot, a lot of the time.

[Biciclista]

Interesting thread, I teach gender and sexuality studies, so I think about these things frequently to help my students think about them. Yes, society does care and make us care up and we contribute by caring too. But, I actually think humans are less affected by the appearance thing than they think, something else makes them "approve" or "disapprove" of appearances. Not arrogance, but I was "hot" at 20 and am even "hotter" now that I train 10 hours a week for triathlon, but this doesn't help much else in my life, I have to constantly work on my own positive hopeful outlook on life. I live a fairly lonely existence, some very wonderful friends, but no intimacy even though I desire it and great losses in the past. Being cute, pretty, hot, whatever, didn't help in any given moment and still doesn't help, I can hardly get a date....
Didn't mean to sound so down, but wanted to contribute that the looks thing doesn't define a whole lot, a lot of the time.

wow, this took guts to say. I was talking to a gorgeous young woman the other day. She told me she almost never gets asked on dates. (i told my son!!) - that Seattle is considered a cold town, where guys don't try to date gals, to give him a little edge.

I hope you run into a warm and kind soul mate soon.

[Zen]

Not arrogance, but I was "hot" at 20 and am even "hotter" now that I train 10 hours a week for triathlon, but this doesn't help much else in my life, I have to constantly work on my own positive hopeful outlook on life. I live a fairly lonely existence, some very wonderful friends, but no intimacy even though I desire it and great losses in the past. Being cute, pretty, hot, whatever, didn't help in any given moment and still doesn't help, I can hardly get a date....

I could have written that myself (except for that triathlon thing)
I think it's been four years since I had a date.
I'm still quite happy though, thank you.

[sfa]

Kinda just blathering here, so forgive me if I never get around to making a point.....

How I look does at least partially define my self image (maybe it's a redhead thing? When you go through your whole life with people pointing you out as "she's the redhead over there" it's hard NOT to see that as part of who you are!), but hot=looks doesn't enter into the equation. How I look is more like, um, I make sure I brush my teeth before leaving the house, and if I'm going to work and it's not a swimming day, then I'll put on makeup (but never eye makeup because I rub my eyes when I get stressed and who wants to look like a raccoon? I don't bother with makeup on swimming days because if I'm swimming at lunch, the makeup will all disappear anyway, so what's the point?). And I DO give thought to what I wear, but more so that what I wear fits the occasion--I'll wear khakis or jeans if I'm in an all-day training session, or suits if I have an outside meeting, or dress pants and sweaters on most other days (skirts and nice t-shirts in the summer). So I guess my looks are heavily influenced by practicality.

But I don't think that "hot" has really all that much to do with looks, but with how a person presents herself (or himself). If hot was about being skinny and young, then I was super-hot 20 years ago. Except I wasn't. I was awkward and often unsure of myself. I was confident in my intellectual abilities, but not my physical abilities or social skills, and that showed. I think "hot" happens when those three things align--self confidence in physical, intellectual and social abilities (even, I might add, in the absence of any particular SKILL in those areas--it's about self confidence).

Case in point is my SIL who is probably one of the most physically unattractive people I've ever met. She's short, has a kind of squishy face, is overweight, and isn't always the sharpest knife in the drawer. But she's hot, and not only does she think so, but so does her entourage of friends and boyfriends. She is supremely self confident in everything she does, and I think that is just really, really attractive. By the same measure, I'm a lot hotter now than I was 20 years ago because I'm just way more comfortable with who I am and I care a lot less about what other people might think about me or see in me.

I think that the media uses tight butts and big hair and perfect skin as shorthand for hot because it's just easier for them, the thinking being that someone who looks good must, by definition, feel good about herself and therefore is self confident. It's hard to show internal confidence in a magazine ad, so they use this shorthand. And then what happens is people who DON'T have this level of self confidence (i.e. me 20 years ago, and lots of young people, and unfortunately many older people who never got beyond this) mistake the shorthand for the substance and work to achieve what they see in the ads and not what the reality is.

I think, though, that we shouldn't condemn or pity people who work to achieve hotness, because I think there's a biological drive at work there--people want to be sexy to ensure the continuation of the species (although I doubt they'd put it that way!). We do also value a loving family, good career, supportive friends and satisfying life, but (again speaking biologically) these things are going to have higher value to someone who is older and not so concerned with procreating but rather with sustaining what was already created. Our lizard brains, in our teens and 20's, are far more concerned with just gettin' it on and popping out some babies to ensure the species survives, so I think it's somewhat natural that at that age looks are more highly valued.

Sarah