Serious Issue: Advice for Dealing with Alcoholics

[silver]

Oh, I think that you may have gotten the wrong idea about what I was saying about our small town.

(after rereading this....please understand that the following is a stream of consciousness rambling, wonderings of the impaired mind of silver as she sorts through things. I didn't initiate this exercise, but I'm finding that it has been very helpful to really examine many of the underlying issues)

I/We don't have any problems with anyone knowing what's going on, or our reputations or anything like that. Yes, I know quite a few recovering alcoholics. We know the resources. We know where they meet. I've been to the meetings. I'm a recovering addict. I have a good picture of how these programs can help, where to get resources. But what I know and what I've seen, does not address this situation. Going to an Al-anon meeting is not going to help me navigate the decisions that I need to make today, tonight, tomorrow to meet their needs....the ins and outs of nursing home care, end of life issues.

If we were to find that our daughter was abusing, I know exactly where the resources are to get help. but this is different. I think that the elderly just usually get shuffled through the system. Maybe our society doesn't place enough importance on them to really deal with it, or maybe any efforts are just useless so everyone has already given up.

You know, just exactly what will "tough love" look like? If Mr. hadn't given me second chances, I wouldn't be here, pedaling my heart out. Does it mean that I don't go visit the IL's, no contact. Don't help them in any way? Or does it mean that I don't bring them any liquor? Or am I supposed to take them some so that detox doesn't send them into some other breakdown of their already overtaxed systems.

As others have said, the tactics and strategies that are used to help addicts and addict's families are just not going to be as applicable in the elderly. The IL's do not want to change. They do not want to face their life issues. We can't force them to. I know this deep down, and obviously find myself trying again and again. It's a family dynamic. It's helpful for you all to remind me not to let myself get personally pulled in.

All that said, I do believe...and I've not discussed this with Mr.
....is that he could be helped by trying to attend some Al-anon meetings in Bloomington. So Trek, you do bring up a good point that there may be a better resource in a nearby town. They may have more resources there that could meet his need. I do think that it might help him deal with the guilt that he feels over the need to use the nursing home at all. I think that since I see the day to day details that I have a better idea of reality about dealing with the situation.

We tried the counseling thing once before and it was a huge bust. We're going to try again. The first available appt is jan 16. The only thing that we could do sooner is an in patient program and MIL is not willing to do that.

Thank you for "listening" to my rambling.

Now, that 12-step cycling program.....Where does the ride meet?

[Wahine]

I come from a family of addicts of various types.

The one best piece of advice I can give is that the only person's behaviour you can change is your own. That doesn't just mean what you physically do or say but also how you think and emotionally react to the things that happen to you and around you. This makes me fall into the tough love category I guess. I believe that by changing myself I can affect a shift in the family dynamic that encourages those around me to change for the better.

Good luck to you and your family.

[LBTC]

Silvers, all I have to offer are butterflies. Loads of them - helping you see clearly, aiding you in healing, giving you comfort in yourselves, your decisions, and allowing compassion, love and the best results from your decisions and heartache.

Hugs,
~T~

[Flybye]

Raleighdon:
1) Thank you for your insightful thoughts in three of your paragraphs. As I understand from Mimi's earlier post, you have direct professional experience that gives credibility to your input (as to the matter of dealing with alcoholics). When I ask someone what they think, it's my hope that they'll tell me what they think, not what I want them to say. Your feedback is thought provoking and that's useful.

2) As to your somewhat personal attack on me:

• You're welcome to criticize me, my motives, my shortcomings, etc.
• But in all honesty, I'd encourage you to 'earn qualification' to do so by interacting with me directly first. Say the word, and I'll PM you my phone # and email address - Then you can analyze me thoroughly My life's an open book and is anything but perfect...but you can rest assured that "pity" is not a phrase in my vocabulary. I count my blessings everyday.
• Don't criticize me because we see things differently. I may not hang out in macho places like you, but rest assured I'm very happy with who I am

In business, I dive in head first and confront challenges that don't have evident answers. But, personal matters are not so easy. In reality, there is no single 'right' response. That's where a forum like this is helpful...and this happens to be a very experienced, diverse, and intelligent group where, in 24 hours, I received feedback and encouragement from a culturally and geographically diverse group of people to challenge and guide me.

So, why do I dive in here before diving into the "community services available"? Well, unlike you, we live in a small city...as a matter of fact, I was the board president of a remarkable organization that is THE BEST "community service available" in this area...but it's not suited for this this situation...so I know the local options are limited.

Thanks for your thoughts. My offer of my #/email address is sincere - not for confrontation, but if you have insight into a problem that I don't see, then I'm all ears

Have a Happy New Year!

I/We don't have any problems with anyone knowing what's going on, or our reputations or anything like that. Yes, I know quite a few recovering alcoholics. We know the resources. We know where they meet. I've been to the meetings. I'm a recovering addict. I have a good picture of how these programs can help, where to get resources. But what I know and what I've seen, does not address this situation. Going to an Al-anon meeting is not going to help me navigate the decisions that I need to make today, tonight, tomorrow to meet their needs....the ins and outs of nursing home care, end of life issues.

I truly respect both of you - the more I read your posts, the more I respect you. It takes a great deal of self control and self reflection to handle everything that you are going through in the manner with which you are.

As a side note, I completely agree with #2 on Mr. Silver's list. Nothing was ever gained by criticism - it is a fruitless venting of emotion and frustration UNLESS it is done in love with good intentions, which I don't believe that it was.

[Wahine]

As a side note, I completely agree with #2 on Mr. Silver's list. Nothing was ever gained by criticism - it is a fruitless venting of emotion and frustration UNLESS it is done in love with good intentions, which I don't believe that it was.

Having met Mr. Mimitabby in person, I believe that his post was given with nothing but good intentions. His tone may have been different/more forceful than what we are used to here on TE. This is the same as a person raising their voice to get their point across. To someone like me who was raised in a quiet family, raising one's voice comes across as confrontational (until I learned otherwise). In the household of many of my friends with different backgrounds, it's a totally normal expression of intense feeling about the issue and can still be very constructive.

And I'd have to argue that criticism can be very useful. If it's given with ideas of how to address the issue, it can be thought provoking and become the catalyst for change. Criticism that is nothing but negative feedback without suggestions for how to correct a situation is useless. My impression is that Mr. MT provided the former not the latter.

Mr. MT took time to compose 2 posts on a forum that he does not visit because he has specific expertise in the area. Perhaps it could have been done in a better way. But I would like to see us leave that issue to Mr. S and Mr. MT to deal with independently, as suggested by Mr. S.

Again Silvers, good luck, we're thinking about you.

[Brandi]

I sure hope your mom keeps her word! Sorry I am late to this post (you know why).
Both my parents were drinkers and I said I would not go through it again! I tried to protect them. It was in vain on my part. I put so much of my energy into people who wanted to do what they wanted to do. So at one point I just threw in the towel. They were ruining my life at a young age and I couldn't do it any more. They are still around (not together anymore) and they both still drink. Not as much as when they were together but still do. I have a lot of space between us now and I don't keep in touch with them like I used to. I hate to say this but my life is better without them so close to me.
That is just my story...not giving advice or anything like that. Just a story for you to think about. The best of luck with them though. I hope they don't drag you down to far with them. I had to let go or I was going too be destroyed. But that is me.

[indigoiis]

Ultimately, it's up to the person to end their addiction & habit. Take it from me - trying to do it for them is a losing battle.

You may want to check out and read thoroughly through:

www.rational.org

(non denominational, free, good advice.)

Indigoiis (former lush.)

[Mr. Bloom]

To All: I'm encouraged by knowledge that many face this problem. Honestly, I'm not aware of anyone in our personal or professional circles that face this (which may surprise many of you...).

Al-anon never even occurred to me until I read about it in this post. Silver and I have agreed that at least I should pursue it.

Team Estrogen continues to be a valuable resource for a plethora of issues

Having met Mr. Mimitabby in person, I believe that his post was given with nothing but good intentions.

I'll take your word for that Wahine The first post offered incredible insight and hope.

BUT, the second post was personal and even the constructive parts seemed to come out of a contrary interpretation to what I previously said.

I don't have a problem with the tone; my issue is with what was said (at the risk of being accused of being in denial after considerable self-reflection)...but everyone's entitled to their opinions.

It seems that there are many who have viewed this thread and shared that they have in the past or are currently facing similar challenges. Notwithstanding a little controversy, I hope that this has been a bit edifying to the group...it has been useful to me. Thanks.

NOW, let's ride (despite snow here last night!)

[Irulan]

Al- anon is a program that doesn't advertise : attraction, not promotion. That being said, it is nice to see how many folks out there have gained some sort of life improvement ( or, serenity if you want to call it that) from the program.

[Mr. Bloom]

Al- anon is a program that doesn't advertise : attraction, not promotion. That being said, it is nice to see how many folks out there have gained some sort of life improvement ( or, serenity if you want to call it that) from the program.

Well, best laid plans of mice and men so often go awry

There are no al-anon groups in the southern half of Indiana, but there appear to be electronic meetings, so I'm waiting on information.

[Tuckervill]

Al- anon is a program that doesn't advertise : attraction, not promotion. That being said, it is nice to see how many folks out there have gained some sort of life improvement ( or, serenity if you want to call it that) from the program.

Every week in our newspaper are advertisements in the classified ads for Al-Anon, Narcotics Anonymous, and AA. I'd encourage anyone looking for these services to check the classified ads.

Karen

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

There are no al-anon groups in the southern half of Indiana, but there appear to be electronic meetings, so I'm waiting on information.

How can that be!? Seems like they have local meetings in just about every small town or large city I've ever read a newspaper from. It seems so hard to believe that an entire half of a state would have nothing.

[Trek420]

How can that be!?

Pretty much my reaction. Wherever there are 2 or more people, folding chairs and a coffee pot there's a meeting log off and go find it

[LBTC]

How can that be!?

I was thinking just that! Williams Lake, in the middle of nowhere, with a population of less than 15,000 people, had Al-Anon meetings all the time.....I don't think that was just a reflection of a high percentage of alcoholics living there... hmmmmm

Keep trying, Mr. You'll find them,

Hugs and butterflies,
~T~

[KnottedYet]

Here's a list of about 150 cities with al-anon meetings in Indiana. Albion thru Winimac, alphabetical. Is one of these in Southern Indiana?
http://www.indiana-al-anon.org/Meetings_By_City.htm

Each listing gives the city, address, day/time, group name, and name of the building they meet in.

(there are about 10-15 listings per page, and about 15 pages, so it may take some scrolling to find the one you want. Many cities and towns have more than one meeting, so they take up a lot of space on the pages)