Serious Issue: Advice for Dealing with Alcoholics

[KnottedYet]

This one is a map specific to Southern Indiana and Kentucky. http://www.kyal-anon.org/

You click on the find-a-meeting link, then click the county you want. It might be easier to navigate than the huge alphabetical listing for Indiana.

[Mr. Bloom]

Wow! I was clearly having trouble navigating the al-anon site this morning! I promise, I was sober!

This is hopeful since one of these meetings in lunchtime across the street from my office. How 'about that

[KnottedYet]

Perfect!

[Mr. Bloom]

OK, I'd like to let this rest...but...

I'm not looking for sympathy or affirmation, but there's a serious gut check moment occurring.

Mom was making progress and taking responsibility for her drinking. She seemed prepared to quit if it made the difference between my dad being able to come home or not.

Then, dad died.

As we were cleaning up some stuff this weekend, we found a hidden bottle of scotch. Following the advice of this group and counselors, we said nothing (contrary to our prior responses...). Mom's a big girl...

Then, tonight I got a call from the facility staff saying Mom's drunk, dangerously so, and I need to deal with it.

Gut Check: I said "no", I can't intervene...if she's dangerous, send her to the ER and we'll pick her up later. But she's got to take responsibility for her actions.

I told them I wasn't trying to pass the buck, but if her drinking is a problem and they need to put her on notice that she'll get kicked out, then they have to tell her that and I can't protect her from her actions anymore.

Gut Check: Is this the right thing? THis is very uncomfortable...

[Zen]

At this point I think it's between you and your gut.
Personally, I always listen to my gut...

[Blueberry]

Mr. Silver-

I think you did the right thing.

Quite frankly, I'm surprised that they would tell you that you need to come deal with it. As long as you feel comfortable with your decision, I think you're OK. What does your gut tell you? I know it's uncomfortable, but how does it compare to the alternative?

CA

PS - Dear world - the Silvers have had to deal with enough recently. 'K?

[rocknrollgirl]

Mr. Silver,
Your gut is really listening to your heart. I think you already know the answer, it is in your heart. We are all here for you.

[Skierchickie]

Mr. Silver,

I'm so sorry you're dealing with all this. I think you are doing the right thing - that just isn't always the easy thing. All you can really do is love her and support her when she makes good choices. I don't think it's any wonder that she is using right now - she just lost her husband of many years. If there ever was a moment in her life when she might slip, this is it. I'm not saying it's good, or that it should be ignored - just that now is when it would happen, if it were going to. If she is pretty new to recovery (or not in recovery), or was only staying sober for your father, then she probably doesn't have the tools she needs. Recovery is hard, and some people can't do it without a support group. I haven't read through this entire thread, as it is many pages long, so I don't know if she has just said "I'll stop", or if she has a support group (meetings, people to talk to, daily meditation books, etc).

Take care of yourself - I hope you've found a group. Al-Anon and open AA meetings (which I actually prefer, as feeling more real and gut-level) can do wonders. I'm embarrassed to say how long since I've been to a meeting. No excuse for that, but my friends are almost all recovery people. Talk talk talk. For you. And listen listen listen. You can't fix your mother, but you can learn how to deal with this. It took me a good 6 months to a year of Al-Anon before I felt like I "got it". I thought I got it at my very first meeting, but somehow, after going to meeting after meeting for a long time, I realized that I had never gotten it at all. I guess I'm just suggesting that you not expect overnight results.

Hang in there. And find yourself a sponsor, if you haven't yet - it really helps.

[Starfish]

Take care of yourself - I hope you've found a group. Al-Anon and open AA meetings (which I actually prefer, as feeling more real and gut-level) can do wonders.

+1 on finding a group (or several) right now. I have been to both, and for me, the best local one right now is Al Anon. The different meetings vary. Keep going 'til you find one that feels safe and helpful for you. LOTS of support there for you in ways you might not even realize you need right now.

Mr., you know something of the story of my folks. Don't know if I have ever shared here that My mom died first, and my dad, left behind, was the alcoholic. I know something of these struggles. PM me any time.

[three]

Hooray! It might seem strange to 'hooray' over something like this, but I say HOORAY!

For so many of your earlier posts on this thread, you were struggling with setting boundaries and taking steps that would force your mom to start taking responsibility for herself.

I am so happy that you did what you did. I think your 'gut' reaction (like someone else said) was your heart talking and I'm thrilled that you listened to it. As I've said before, "advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but don't want to admit it".

Personally, I feel like you did the right thing - not just for your mom, but for yourself and your family. I support you.

[invsblwmn]

Mr. Silver,
What a heck of a year for you guys. Ok, I am responding as first a person with alot of sick and dead relatives from addictions, second as a hospital based licensed social worker, and third as a certified addictions counselor.

Whoa.
My grandfather went through this process. My father went to every store that sold liquor in walking distance of my grandfather's independent living, told the store owner about the alcoholism, and threatened to have them legally charged with accessory to murder if they sold him alcohol and he subsequently died. Reality, he couldn't do this, but they didn't want the trouble. My grandfather got another resident to go buy it for him, he passed out, hit his head and died of pnemonia in the hospital during that stay. Your mom's drinking appears clearly out of control, hers, the facility's, and yours. The facility that she lives in cannot "kick her out" without due process. They would have to evict her and this is difficult. They CAN threaten to toss her hoping you'll take her out or that she will leave, but they cannot legally kick her out just for drinking. Check her living agreement there and inform yourself.
They are hoping you will control the behavior. Even nursing homes cannot kick out residents for these behaviors. What they CAN do is try to dump her at a hospital and state that she is not fit for their level of care, which she appears to be, or try to get you to take her to your home. Either idea is bad. She is troubled from the loss of her husband and by her alcohol use itself. An intervention is probably the only way to reach her.
At this point limiting the alcohol, getting rid of what you find, will slow it, but also make it more hidden. It will make you feel better for a bit, but there is always someone who will go buy more for her and feel sorry for her that her son keeps "stealing" her alcohol from her and won't let her "grieve." She probably does not see that you're trying to help her, yet.
Lastly, my FIRST client was an 82 year old grandfather whose family had convinced him that he wasn't going to get to see his grandkids anymore if he didn't get help and stop drinking. He came for 28 days of inpatient treatment, got sober, saw his grandkids and was still living and sober ten years later. I lost track of him after that and likely he has passed since then. He was a happy man who let go of his guilt and learned to live, and I mean really LIVE, without alcohol. Not all stories turn out like that, by far, but he did and so have others.
As to your role, that is up to you. You have to decide how much more you can take. The process to get someone into treatment can be difficult. It can be rewarding. If your mother's alcoholism is interfering in her life and yours, you both will eventually need to talk about it. If you decide to do an intervention, make sure you get a professional to help you with this process.
I wish you the best. There is nothing wrong with going on as you have. This is your mother's disease. She is responsible for the outcome and even with intervention, there is no guarantee. Bottom line, she determines the outcome.
Remember you did not cause this illness, you have not worsened it, and you cannot cure it. Just love your Mom the best way you know how. We are all here for you.

[Batbike]

looks like LOTS of awesome advice from those who have been involved with various types and forms of addiction/alcoholism! so many posts ... haven't read them all ....

let me add one ... only my opinion and someone may have touched on this, but don't know ...

I say this as a recovering alcoholic who was raised by 2 still very active alcoholic 70+ year old parents ... only the person with the problem can stop the problem. at 80 years of age, it is hard to imagine they will want to stop drinking unless it is a problem for them. you need to let go ... I would suggest Al-Anon to help you deal with learning how to let them do what they are going to do while you continue living your life without fear of enabling them to drink. Al-Anon is a great organization for supporting those who have to live with alcoholics in their life ....

[spokewench]

Mr. Silver:

I think you are making the correct decision with the assisted living place. They should deal with the issue with your mother. Sometimes when it comes from outside the family, it is taken more seriously.

But, as I'm sure you know, right now your mother needs a lot of comfort and love. So, do what you can to support her in her grief over losing her husband of many years, but stand firm on your decision with regard to the alcohol.

That is all we can do as childen of alcoholics. You are in my thoughts.

spoke

[Mr. Bloom]

This thread started before my Dad's death, then the last post was 11 days after his death.

Following advice from this group, a lot has happened:

- Several months ago, we asked Mom to seek counseling. She did.
- Counselors confirmed that we needed to stop "parenting the parent". We did. She started buying her own Scotch, wound up drunk in the hospital a couple of times (one time at a .28 blood/alcohol level), was on the verge of getting kicked out of her assisted living facility...

and then:
- one of her nurses took a personal and caring interest
- had a heart to heart with her
- got her into counseling with a different counselor
- got her to an AA meeting (despite Mom's reservations)

and now:
- she voluntarily went into a supervised detox
- three weeks ago, she "took a chip" at AA
- and hasn't had a drink in three weeks (longer than at anytime in my 45 years!)

I think that our "getting out of the way of her making her own choice" is the single biggest thing that will have ever happened to improve her longevity and quality of life.

Thanks to all who offered the tough advice.

[jesvetmed]

Glad things are looking up -- sounds like you got a lot of good advice and support so far.