Help, Divorce

**Honeypie** · 03-09-2006, 12:09 PM

I have lurked here a very long time and feel envious of all you. You seem so happy and settled.

I am going thru a divorce (my choice) after a long marriage. It is all I can do to get on my bike. I have kids, who keep me going and bring me sunshine.

My spouse is not at all being cooperative and is threatening me with everything possible. At the same time he doesn't want me to divorce him. But get this, he is dating!!

Help

**CorsairMac** · 03-09-2006, 12:26 PM

been there, done that - twice! All I can say is, the past 6 years on my own have been just about the happiest years of my life! Good Luck

**allabouteva** · 03-09-2006, 12:28 PM

Dear Honeypie,

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through a bad patch. The wimmenfolk here are very supportive and kind.. I'm a newbie to this forum too, but I enjoy coming here and sharing.

I confess, I don't know what you're going through quite exactly, but about 10 years ago, my 2 year old son was very very sick in ICU, and then I had to take 2 years off work to stay home and look after him, not knowing how things would turn out (he had major brain damage from a serious epileptic fit). So I understand a little bit about life being bleak.

Life can be crappy. But when you come out of the other end, it can make you a stronger and better person. Your kids sound great.

Your husband not so...

Stick to your guns. And go cycling, even if you don't feel like, you might find it helps relieve the stress and pain that you're going through.

Take care,

eva

**bcipam** · 03-09-2006, 01:05 PM

I never want to see a marriage break up, especially when children are involved. Obviously finding a good marriage and family counselor is very important.

Have you ever just sat down with your husband and asked him what's not working between you two? Have you been as receptive to his needs as you expect him to be to yours? No time better than now to be open and honest (but not nagging and condescening) and try to talk things out.

It's interesting he is dating but also wants to get back together. He is obviously a man that's alittle "needy" (just my opinion based on nothing) and wants and requires the support and companionship that a woman provides. Possibly he feels he did not get that from you for whatever reason. Were you more attentive to the children? Most men want to be the center of the universe (just like a child). Was he treated that way or like a distance moon?

Before the feminists jump on me, I want you to know I don't think this is all or even your fault but marriage does take two and to be sucessful, compromise is required. Good luck. Hopefully he is a good father and wants to be in your childrens' lives. He needs to know however, that its not healthy for him to see or be with the children if he is also including a casual girlfriend in the activities. He should devote his time visiting with his children not also taking care of a girfriend. Don't take anything he does or his bad behavior personally. He is acting like an indulgent little boy. You need for him to step up and be a man for you and your children.

I feel for you and pray you receive the guidance you need. Take care.

**iFKA** · 03-09-2006, 01:32 PM

hi, I'm sorry that you're in a bad period right now, but don't forget, every period has it's end. I'm lucky and have a really wonderful boyfriend, but I have a sister whose married - and unfortunate. She married when she was 23, and after a while she gave birth to my beautiful nephew. But he was born blind, has a cyst on his little brain and can't walk yet although he is 2,5 years old. Her husband was horrible from the day one of their marriage. She is still a student, but twice a week she has to go to a therapy with Adrian (her son), once a week to a special clinic for blind kids, and once a week on a swimming pool cause it is also a therapy. For the last 5 months she is living with us, and her husband don't even ask anything about his little son, but finds the time to ask her every little where is she going, what is she doing and with who and stuff like that. Even though, she is very optimistic and cheerful person.

Don't worry, everything will be o.k. as long as you can enjoy playing with your children, be thankful for that and the rest will seem unimportant. You will get through your divorce somehow and than you can be with your new "bike friends" without anyone to tell what you should or shouldn't do.

I wanted to send you a picture of my nephew so you could see how beautiful he is - one shiny star of their marriage - but I don't know how.
Life is great, despite all the difficulties he brings.

**cindysue** · 03-09-2006, 01:53 PM

..... as usual, I risk alienating someone with my harsh words, but some things cannot be left unspoken!

Originally Posted by bcipam

It's interesting he is dating but also wants to get back together. He is obviously a man that's alittle "needy" (just my opinion based on nothing) and wants and requires the support and companionship that a woman provides. Possibly he feels he did not get that from you for whatever reason. Were you more attentive to the children? Most men want to be the center of the universe (just like a child). Was he treated that way or like a distance moon?

Oh boy!

"a little needy"?! She's not giving him what he "requires." Was she "more attentive to the children?"

Puhleeez!

I should hope she is more attentive to the children. Unlike honeypie's able husband, children "need".....

bciPam's reply reminds me of when my mother (bless her Christian heart!) said "he's just a man" when my ex-husband cheated on me repeatedly (and several other things I won't get into in this reply). Oh yeah, and she also told me I was wasting my time going to college and I should just stay married and have some kids. Can you believe that?

"interesting" indeed! When my ex said he "wanted to get back together" - he was not only dating someone, but engaged! I can only speculate.....

honeypie - I'm not a "feminist" - I'm just a gal with some experience with what you are going through. Put yourself and your children first. You deserve respect! And you deserve to be able to trust the people closest in your life.

Honey Pie: My recommendation is to:

Ask yourself if you can trust him

and

Ask yourself if he respects you

if the answer is no to either question, do yourself and your kids a favor and honestly evaluate what is important in your life. If this requires the help of a counselor, so be it..........

**BikeMomma** · 03-09-2006, 02:03 PM

Originally Posted by cindysue

..... as usual, I risk alienating someone with my harsh words, ....

Not harsh, Cindysue....truthful. The latter bit you wrote, I'm going through at the moment....
~B

**Brandi** · 03-09-2006, 02:09 PM

I went through 3 with my mom. And she liked to use us kids as pawns. So now i don't like either or all of my parents. My mom is very immature. It sounds lke you are doing rigt by sticking by your kids. Just be careful you don't loose yourself in all this. And I am sorry if he is dating and wants to get back together? that makes no sence to me. My mom and 2nd dad used to cheat on eachother and tell me about so I would tell the other they were doing it. How twisted is that!
I do not tink marriage counciling helps in all relationships. And there are just some people with no matter how open you are they won't be back. Go with your gut feelings on this no matter what. And just love and be honest with your kids. And please don't put down the other parent in front of your kids if you can. I don't know could be why I don't like any of them.Good luck! and if you need apick me up we are always here. Or at least someone will be.

**DrBee** · 03-09-2006, 02:19 PM

I've been there, too. There were no kids involved though. Hang in there. If you feel this is the best thing for you - then stick to your guns and do what it right and best for you and the kids. This is a very supportive group here. We'll help you through it.

**snapdragen** · 03-09-2006, 02:20 PM

Sorry you're having such a rough patch right now Honeypie. We are good at listening, and offering support. Sometimes that is all a person really needs, so she doesn't feel alone.

<<<<<<hug>>>>>>

**Pax** · 03-09-2006, 02:27 PM

Originally Posted by cindysue

..... as usual, I risk alienating someone with my harsh words, but some things cannot be left unspoken!

Oh boy!

"a little needy"?! She's not giving him what he "requires." Was she "more attentive to the children?"

Puhleeez!

I should hope she is more attentive to the children. Unlike honeypie's able husband, children "need".....

bciPam's reply reminds me of when my mother (bless her Christian heart!) said "he's just a man" when my ex-husband cheated on me repeatedly (and several other things I won't get into in this reply). Oh yeah, and she also told me I was wasting my time going to college and I should just stay married and have some kids. Can you believe that?

"interesting" indeed! When my ex said he "wanted to get back together" - he was not only dating someone, but engaged! I can only speculate.....

honeypie - I'm not a "feminist" - I'm just a gal with some experience with what you are going through. Put yourself and your children first. You deserve respect! And you deserve to be able to trust the people closest in your life.

Honey Pie: My recommendation is to:

Ask yourself if you can trust him

and

Ask yourself if he respects you

if the answer is no to either question, do yourself and your kids a favor and honestly evaluate what is important in your life. If this requires the help of a counselor, so be it..........

Well said cindysue.

I would add that I am a feminist and don't view that as a negative thing. I believe women are strong , capable, and powerful...the definition of feminism is: Belief in the social, political, and economic equality of the sexes. We need to stop apologizing for this and realize that the old stereotypes (apparently held by bcipam) should be reviewed and hopefully discarded.

<climbing off soapbox> I'm sorry to hear about your pain Honeypie, positive vibes are headed your way. ((()))

**Selkie** · 03-09-2006, 02:38 PM

Honeypie
Hang in there, girlfriend. I survived my parent's bad marriage---Catholics who stuck with a mutually abusive relationship "for the kids" and because they thought they'd "go to hell" for divorcing. How many times did we hear my dad say, "if it weren't for you kids, I'd leave your mother." Believe me, nothing is worse than feeling like your mere existence is the reason for your parents' unhappiness. By the way, my parents went through marriage counseling---dragged us kids along once. What a nightmare.
Sounds like you are doing the right thing for yourself and for your children. Life's difficult but you'll get through this and you'll be stronger for having survived it.
Cindy Sue's advice is right on the mark. :-) She's a wise woman, indeed.
I consider myself a "post-feminist" but believe that we ladies owe a huge debt to "feminists." Wouldn't you consider Susan B. Anthony a feminist? I'm sure glad I can vote!

**Dianyla** · 03-09-2006, 02:49 PM

It sounds like he's doing "rebound dating" instead of actually working on himself. This is not a good sign, but it is a very understandable human response. What concerns me more is the threatening/controlling behavior you mention. You may find this list of Red Flags to be an interesting read.

Hang in there, be there for your kids, and stay on your bike or engage in some other positive form of recreation that nourishes your spirit.

ETA: And by hang in there, I don't mean hang in there with him!

**Brandi** · 03-09-2006, 02:57 PM

oh yea ment to add this too and forgot.(((((Hug))))))! Be stronge!

**bcipam** · 03-09-2006, 03:30 PM

Gals.... I not saying "needy" is a good thing and not saying the husband is blameless. I'm just saying if the marriage is to work, some examination is required. I'm all about doing what is right by the children. If it's best the kids have an intact home with mom and dad then that's what's needs to be worked on.

If the husband is a needy guy, then that needs to be recognized and dealt with but not catered to. I do not believe poor behavior should be condoned. But if all of the attention has been given to the kids and not to the husband, that does need to be examined because that's poor behavior as well.

Get yourselves to a good marriage counselor. Try and make the marriage work. At least until the children are older and out of the house. You might be surprised how better things are when the adults stop focusing on their own "wants" and both focus on the wants and needs of the children.

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