Elope?

[indysteel]

Who among you has eloped? And by eloped, I primarily mean that you and your SO got married without family or friends being present. Did you do it locally or did you go someplace? What elements of a traditional wedding, if any, did you incorporate, e.g., did you wear a traditional wedding dress and carry flowers, did your SO wear a tux?). Did you tell people that you were getting married or was it a surprise? Did you have any regrets? Did you have a party or reception following the wedding?

I've never envisioned having a formal wedding, in part because I don't really like being the center of attention like. I get really shy and embarrassed. I've also never been fond of the idea of having my parents--who I have a distant relationship with at best--present on what is supposed to be a happy day for me. I saw how they sulked and pouted at my siblings' weddings, and I refuse to let the same thing happen to me. Asking them to be happy for me, while seemingly obvious, is not an option. They haven't even expressed any desire or interest in meeting my BF, which is the topic for another thread altogether.

Thankfully, my BF is on the same page in terms of eloping. From there, however, I'm not really sure what I/we want. Part of me wants to wear a pretty dress, carry flowers, toast with champagne and cut a cake. But as a general rule, we're not formal people. With or without a crowd, even that minimal level of formality feels a bit unnatural to me. I think we'd be just as happy to hike someplace pretty--with the officiant in tow and a couple of witnesses--and exchange our vows. No fuss, no fanfare.

Likewise with the engagement. I'm not a diamond ring kind of a person. I've always just wanted a wedding band. During our most recent conversation about getting married, I indicated that I still wanted to be formally proposed to. Beyond that, however, I doubt we'll draw a ton of attention to being "engaged."

All together, I sort of feel like the anti-bride and wonder if I'm depriving myself of some rite of passage that I'll regret. I'd love to hear from those of you who did elope (or did something that fell short of a traditional wedding) about your experience.

Thanks!

[Biciclista]

We had a small wedding at a grange hall. (we did not elope)
I did not wear a white dress, instead I wore a long red print skirt and a white blouse. My husband wore a jacket with a tie in his breast pocket.
I did not get a diamond ring, honestly I dislike diamonds and we were so poor anyway.
It's your wedding. Do it exactly the way that it would be comfortable for you. If you decide you do want a party, don't let anyone's offers "oh, i'll sing for your wedding" overwhelm your sense of what YOU want.

I hated chanting the lovely vows out loud that we found in a book.
My husband, even though he is a lot more outgoing, blew his lines too.
Neither of my parents came to my wedding, they both had excuses.

I wore blue hiking boots under my floor length skirt and when we'd said "I DO" we both jumped off the stage. It was fun, and I have good memories of my wedding.
Good luck. Do it your way.

[Crankin]

Similar to Mimi, I did not elope, but I had a very small wedding with 20 people, none who were my friends, who I wanted to invite. It was a second wedding for me, so we paid for it. We had the money to have a more typical, maybe small wedding at a hotel, but neither of us wanted the hassle of planning it. Both sets of parents had just moved out of state. We had the ceremony in our apartment, with a champagne toast and appetizers, provided by my parents. I wore an off white "dressy" dress from the Limited and my husband wore a nice suit. We bought our own flowers from the Japanese flower growers in Tempe (I don't think they are still there). Then we took the group out for a nice dinner at a restaurant owned by a friend of my in laws. They provided a cake. There was a lounge with music and dancing, where we celebrated after the dinner. My then 15 year old brother took the pictures (he's talented).
Would I do it differently? Yes. First of all, I would not have caved in and invited 2 dorky couples who were friends of my in laws that I didn't know and I would have had my own friends. But, more importantly, I would have had the more traditional wedding. We had the $, but I was so "anti" anything that was deemed feminine (like wedding planning), I refused to do it. It would have been small, but tasteful. I know in the total scheme of things it doesn't matter, but we regretted what we did.
So, when our sons had their Bar Mitzvahs, we had nice luncheons at a local restaurant, with a DJ, no band, and the focus on the kids and the food. There was no "theme" (other than the religious aspect) for the party and I know everyone had a great time. It was relaxed and fun. We had both at the same place. We spent about 1/4 to 1/2 of what others spent, proving you can do it nicely for less money.
I guess the wedding itself really does not matter, since I will be celebrating my 30th anniversary in December. I think you should do what you want, and if that includes eloping and wearing a wedding dress, do it.

[GLC1968]

I did not elope, but my mother offered us 10K to do so. Both my husband and I agreed, but then she jokingly laughed it off...she wanted the wedding more than I did! I do like being the center of attention though - at least, when I feel good about myself (which I did that day)...so it was all good. I got to see so many friends and family that I hadn't seen in ages and we had a blast (95% of my guests were from out of state).

Anyway, my brother did elope. He and his wife went down to city hall, signed some paperwork and then went out for dinner. He called me on his way out of the building as a married man and told me. I assume that they had witnesses, but I have no idea who they were. No family, no friends...from either side. My family is close, so we all admitted that we'd have been hurt had we lived anywhere near him at the time. His wife is not close with her family, so there were no issues there. They had already been engaged for about 6 months - so we all knew it would happen eventually anyway.

My personal vision of my wedding was always very, very similiar to the wedding at the end of the 'Runaway Bride' movie where they are in a hilltop in the fall with gorgeous views, foliage and a simple white dress. Friends and family, optional.

[KnottedYet]

Like GLC, I found the final wedding in "Runaway Bride" to be pretty close to my ideal. Tiny tiny ceremony, followed by big party!

There is nothing "falling short" about eloping or tiny weddings. It's what you bring to the event in your heart and what you take away afterwards that really matters, no matter how cliched that may seem.

List out the things that are most important to the two of you, and create the wedding that fits you. Rites of passage have the meanings we give them. (and writhing with embarrassed shyness during a huge wedding would NOT have fit me!)

I'm very active in my church, and it was important to me that we be married by a minister of my church. Rev. Stewart is one of my favorite ministers, I deeply admire him and I listen to his sermons over and over again on podcast. Being married by him was like being married by a rock star!

There is nothing particularly legally binding about having a minister sign the license. As a courtesy, the state automatically deputizes clergy so they can sign at any time. You can deputize a family member or a friend to sign your license (it's about $50) or have a justice of the peace or county clerk sign (again, about $50). You can have a ceremony or not, as you wish. You can have the license signed weeks before the ceremony to take the stress off. There's an amazing amount of flexibility built into the system.

You don't even have to exchange rings at the ceremony or signing, if you'd rather do it in private.

If you don't want a diamond ring, you don't have to have one. You don't have to have an engagement ring at all. Trek chose a channel-set sapphire band for her engagement ring, she's not a diamond ring kind of gal, either. I didn't want an engagement ring, so I'm right there with you.

Our elopement was the wedding of my dreams, and really what I'd wanted all along. Very small. We will get as formal and elaborate and big as we want for our celebration (probably on an anniversary). I've already got the dress picked out!

Whatever you choose to do, make it something you will both love and feel comfortable with. The wedding is for you, the party is for everyone else. It will never "fall short" if it's yours.

[Triskeliongirl]

We didn't elope, but we had a 'surprise wedding' with just our immediate families present. We didn't want to do the large wedding/planning, etc. So we just invited our immediate families to dinner at our apartment, telling them it was to celebrate my husband's birthday. We hired a justice of the peace to come to the apartment, we wore normal nice clothes (I wore a pretty hand made white knee length dress I had bought when visiting greece) and we got married. Then we cooked and served our own wedding dinner (roast lamb, hmmmmm!).

[WrensMom]

We didn't exactly elope, but we did get married pretty spontaneously with few people there. We did it at the magistrate court in Santa Fe. None of my family were there, but a few of his came (mom, dad, sisters), and a couple of our friends. Afterwards we all went out for dinner. I wore a purple dress that I liked (and got on sale!) and he wore a regular suit. We both just have plain white gold bands, nothing fancy. It was great not having a big old event to stress over. Our little cool thing was that we got married 01/01/01 at 1pm. Like everyone else said, do what YOU want, and be happy!

[GLC1968]

Whatever you choose to do, make it something you will both love and feel comfortable with. The wedding is for you, the party is for everyone else. It will never "fall short" if it's yours.

Yes, yes, yes!

Even though I wouldn't have opted for the big huge, formal wedding we had, I did control the ceremony - 100%. I wrote it, actually. We wrote our vows together (completely original) and I put the rest of the ceremony together using bits and pieces from multiple cultures/traditions. As a couple, we had to compromise on a few things because I refused to be married in a church but yet my husband insisted that we had to be married by a member of the clergy. I had some very strict rules about what could and could not be said by the minister and luckily, he was very forward thinking and very accomodating. We had to interview quite a few before we found someone I was comfortable with...

I was adamant that there would not be one single thing about that day that made either me or my husband uncomfortable. I didn't care how difficult it made things (it really didn't), but it was incredibly important to me. There were songs the band was not allowed to play, there were 'traditions' that would not be followed, and there were words that could not be used...all in the name of our choices.

Make the day YOURS. That's what matters the most, no matter what it is you do with it...

[Trek420]

Like you I'd never really envisioned a formal wedding. Actually, batting for the other team I thought I'd never get married at all but I found the girl and we'd been talking about it ....

Knott's proposal was incredibly romantic. She told me to save the date, she had plans and that she wanted to get to the Golden Gate Bridge early. It was Mid-Summer's Day, we drove to Crissy Field and hiked to the bridge. Somewhere around the 2nd tower she dropped to one knee and proposed,

Natch I said yes. That was handy because she'd made an appointment at Brilliant Earth to pick the rings.

The wedding itself was both romantic and comical. Concerned about the election I think it was me who said "let's get married now", Knott came down and we rode our bikes to Oakland to get the license. I was so nervous I nearly passed out in city hall. But I recovered we rode back and of course stopped at the LBS on the way home. OK, so now we have the paper, on to get married.

Knott had a minister lined up, she'd called from Seattle and made the arrangements. We'd confirmed with him that as soon as we had a license he'd fit us in. That was on Friday, Sunday he of course is busy, we're thinking he'd call on Monday. The next day we planned doing some shopping for the house remodel. On the way to Lowes the phone rang, it was Reverend Stewart "I have some time available today. Can you get here anytime between 2-5?"

Whip the car around, stop at home for a shirt, grab a Lara bar or two, phone Spazzdog for a witness and photgrapher and yes, she's available. As we drive to swing by and get her, Hilary (her land lord and my contractor) is printing directions to the church. The drive is out of Keystone Cops, skirting the worst of Bay Area traffic in and out of city streets. We arrive at the 150 year old church just in time.

A quick tour of the church and we chose a spot. They have a beautiful patio in the center with a fountain. Everyone was in jeans including the Rev

We exchanged rings ourselves on a beach near Pescadero (picture of which is on the "where's KnottedYet?" thread).

We will have a party/celebration when things settle down (I need to transfer my job and move) but I am very happy that we eloped, it was perfect.

[ASammy1]

Hi Indy!

Congrats on your upcoming wedding! I'm getting married too and we are also facing the same "issues" as you. It will be both of our second weddings and we do not want to go through the hoopla (or spend the $$) of a big wedding. My first wedding was the big deal with over 200 people and I hated every minute of it. I wanted a destination wedding and my now ex said no they do the big wedding at home. I should have known then it wasn't going to work LOL

This time around my fiance and I wanted to elope but knew our families would be very upset, so we are having them rent beach houses (we live on the east coast in a beach town and our families are both from different cities in the midwest). We are going to have a very simple chapel wedding and then go back to one of the houses to a catered dinner.

It's not eloping, but it's the closest thing we can get to eloping!

[indysteel]

Hi Indy!

Congrats on your upcoming wedding! I'm getting married too and we are also facing the same "issues" as you. It will be both of our second weddings and we do not want to go through the hoopla (or spend the $$) of a big wedding. My first wedding was the big deal with over 200 people and I hated every minute of it. I wanted a destination wedding and my now ex said no they do the big wedding at home. I should have known then it wasn't going to work LOL

This time around my fiance and I wanted to elope but knew our families would be very upset, so we are having them rent beach houses (we live on the east coast in a beach town and our families are both from different cities in the midwest). We are going to have a very simple chapel wedding and then go back to one of the houses to a catered dinner.

It's not eloping, but it's the closest thing we can get to eloping!

Congratulations to you as well! Your plan sounds great. I'd actually love to do something like that if I had any interest if my family wasn't a bit dysfunctional.

Have a great time and best wishes for a happy union!

[channlluv]

Hi Indy!

...This time around my fiance and I wanted to elope but knew our families would be very upset, so we are having them rent beach houses (we live on the east coast in a beach town and our families are both from different cities in the midwest). We are going to have a very simple chapel wedding and then go back to one of the houses to a catered dinner.

It's not eloping, but it's the closest thing we can get to eloping!

The fun thing about this is that it's your families having to do all the traveling. It also sounds like a blast in that you'll have all your family members there for a vacation at the beach, in your own hometown, so you already know all the fun things to do. That is just so darn clever. I love it.

I hope your ceremony is beautiful and the family celebration afterward just as special.

Love all around today. I like it.

Roxy

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

I think the whole point of all this is for each couple to do what would make them happy. That's different for different people, of course.

[indysteel]

I think the whole point of all this is for each couple to do what would make them happy. That's different for different people, of course.

I agree. The purpose of my thread was to help me discern what might make me/us happy. Beyond the general idea of eloping, I can't say that I'm completely sure. I know more of what I don't want (a big expense, family feuds, extra stress) than what I do. Or, if I do know what I want, I'm not entirely sure at this point on how to translate it.

[ASammy1]

The fun thing about this is that it's your families having to do all the traveling. It also sounds like a blast in that you'll have all your family members there for a vacation at the beach, in your own hometown, so you already know all the fun things to do. That is just so darn clever. I love it.

I hope your ceremony is beautiful and the family celebration afterward just as special.

Love all around today. I like it.

Roxy

Sorry for the thread hi-jack Indy...

Roxy-that was the plan! That way we didn't have to decide who's family had to travel and who didnt. We are also planning on doing it early Thanksgiving week so we can have the reception at one house and then Thanksgiving dinner all together at the other house.