Getting married- ? do I change my name

[Biciclista]

Iris, i know exactly what you mean. After a few years, I just started using my maiden name as my middle name so I didn't lose it completely.
And I thought that by going from an ethnic name to an English name, I would no longer have to spell it; but I was really really wrong. Since our name is two letters away from a really common name, when I say our name and spell it, no one can comprehend what I am saying and they still spell it wrong. It was easier having an Italian name where no one had preconceived notions about it.

[Zen]

I being the stalwart feminist here I can't help but think of the reason why this name change is the custom. That is, you are his property.

just my POV.

[Bron]

I being the stalwart feminist here I can't help but think of the reason why this name change is the custom. That is, you are his property.

just my POV.

Rather than being your father's property? Ok, not being completely serious there, but you do choose your husband yourself.

I changed mine, it was a bit of a hassle, but I like it that we have the same name and at least I don't have to spell it out to people here (but I do when I get home). I have to spell my first name out to everyone everywhere.

Now my first name really is part of my identity and there is no way I would ever change that.

[papaver]

Here it's not allowed to change your name. You always have to use your maiden name, married or not.

[singletrackmind]

Loss of identity?

Don't have a kid! I'm now 'Mrs. kid's name mom'. It's all good. No matter what you call me I'm still me. I'm not particular on the label, so long as it's fairly reasonable and you can say it in public.
Sticks, stones, all that stuff.

[sfa]

I kept my name when I got married. Partly it was practical--I had just finished my master's degree with my maiden name and was working on a PhD and didn't want it in a different name. Partly it was aesthetics--I just didn't much like his last name and it sounded almost comical when paired with "Doctor" as a title. But mostly it was because I identified so strongly with my family name and all of my ancestors who had this name.

DH said he didn't care one way or the other, but I think it would have made him a bit happy if I had changed my name. As it is now, I don't care--if someone calls me Mrs. Hislastname it doesn't matter to me, although that rarely happens. It hasn't created any confusion with kids (people warned me it would)--I have my last name and they have their father's last name and no one has ever questioned it.

It was important to me when I was 25 and getting married and working on degrees and trying to forge my own adult identity. Now, as you say, it just doesn't seem to matter that much--my identity isn't tied to a name but to who I am and what I do.

If it makes you happy to change it, then change it. If it makes you feel funny, then you can take the approach of changing your middle name to your maiden name and taking his name as your last name. It wouldn't be hyphenated, but it would still be a part of you.

I've been thinking recently that we need to go back to the medieval system of identifying ourselves by our first names and then what we do or who we're related to. But instead of being Sarah Marysdaughter or Sarah O'Richard or Sarah Writer (or whatever) I'd be "Sarah ClaireandConnorsMomYouKnowFromScouts."

[Biciclista]

Sfa, ha you're getting me off the topic, but we're starting to do that with our screen names. Mimitabby or Biciclista says a lot more about me than my real last name does.

[greycoral]

I changed mine so our kid(s) would have the same last name as us. He actually wanted me to keep my maiden name, but then later said he was happy I took his.

[Zen]

Speaking of customs, I don't have a 'maiden' name either.
I have a 'name at birth"

I never did too well in the role of maiden

Maybe you could BOTH change your names. How about Jolie-Pitt? Or Obama?

[MM_QFC!]

Speaking of customs, I don't have a 'maiden' name either...

Exactly, Zen - neither do I..."birth name" is an instantly understandable term, isn't it? I much prefer it to that other term, for a variety of reasons...to each their own though, so I respect it if a woman uses that term because she prefers it, and assume that my ownpreference is respected too.

Actually, the standard French abbreviation is "née", meaning: 'born'; it is used to denote the birth name or family name for when (usually) a woman who is now married, decides to take her spouse's surname.
FWIW: even when I was married, I did not choose to change my name. I have 2 sons and neither had any hint of an identity crisis; I was very active in their schools, sports and other activities throughout and no issues there either in connecting my guys to me as their Mom!

[Triskeliongirl]

I didn't change my name, in part cuz I had already published a lot with my maiden name, and because the feminist in me didn't see the point and actually objected.

We gave our kids hyphenated last names. The only problem its caused, which is minor, is that its a PITA to make airline reservations since we have 3 different last names for one family traveling together, but now that is done online so its easier. Also, some computer systems still have trouble to handle hyphenated last names. And I have no CLUE what my kids will do when they marry but that is their problem.

My husband is portuguese, and I like their custom which is what Mimi described, the women's maiden last name becames her middle name when she marries, and then she takes her husband's last name. So, its not hyphenated but she can use it as much as she likes or needs to. In fact, she accumulates these middle names as the generations marry, kind of like a lineage.

[moserpower]

Anakiwa,
I'm in exactly the same boat as you--35 getting married this June. I'd always assumed I'd change my name when I married but now I have a serious professional profile in my maiden name. My final decision was based upon this: I love my husband to be more than I ever loved my father. So I'm changing my name. Also, I think if you are planning to have kids, it's nice to spare them the hyphen problem or the choosing option.