Getting married- ? do I change my name

[anakiwa]

Looking for various thoughts on this.

I'm 35, getting married this June. When I was younger I generally thought I'd want to keep my name. Now it doesn't seem to matter as much (I know who I am whatever my name is right?) and it seems like a nice thing to take his name- kind of like just another part of the process. I've never been interested in hyphenating- and I like the idea of us having the same name. But all the same, there's a little piece of me that feels funny about it.

What do you all think? For anyone who has changed her name- how did it feel?

Thanks

[Biciclista]

Do you LIKE his name? Do you like your name? does his start with a higher letter in the alphabet? (A's win, Z's lose)
It's up to you.
If your name is Fern Green and you want to be Fern Montgomery; go for it.

You know? But if you're the last Abergrotty in a long line of Abergrottys and his name is Jones, keep your name.

And if he's ambivalent, that means it's up to you.

[Andrea]

I changed my name when I got married, then back when I got divorced. I never want to go through the change process again just based on the PITA factor.

[SheFly]

I changed my name when I got married, then back when I got divorced. I never want to go through the change process again just based on the PITA factor.

Same boat. EXCEPT, when I married my second husband, he was adamant about me taking his name - said there wasn't really a reason for us to legally get married, otherwise (we were planning a family at the time, and had been living together for several years).

We discussed it together and I came up with a compromise. I decided to legally change my middle name to my birth surname - my brother and I are the last of the line with my birth surname, so I thought this would please my dad. Backfired! My dad was the one who gave my my original middle name! DOH!

So, today, legally, I go by firstname, birth surname, DH surname. My parents still insert my birth middle name though, giving me four names .

Yes, it's a PITA to change (especially when you have already been through this process twice!), but I like my name, and don't feel that I've lost any of my identity because I changed it.

SheFly

[singletrackmind]

Doesn't feel any different to me. I thought I went to a much easier name but have to spell it just as often.

The hubby said he didn't care but he was so pleased I decided to go with his it made me glad I did.

[Iris616]

I didn't put much thought into this before I got married. I wish I had. It turns out that I miss my "Real" name. People often called me that as a nickname, and it was part of my identity.
To me, now that I've been married 7 years, it seems like perhaps it was the first step in losing some of my identity. I'm sure there are others who will disagree.

[Tuckervill]

I didn't put much thought into this before I got married. I wish I had. It turns out that I miss my "Real" name. People often called me that as a nickname, and it was part of my identity.
To me, now that I've been married 7 years, it seems like perhaps it was the first step in losing some of my identity. I'm sure there are others who will disagree.

Iris, I agree with you. I've been married almost 20 years. I took my first husband's name, partially, and I was so happy to get my name back completely when we divorced. But when I remarried, it just seemed better not to have 3 last names in the house (I had kids from my first marriage), and I was in a different religious mindset at the time, so I took his name. I wish I had thought outside the box a little on that. We have a son together, and it is nice to be one of three with the same name--"The Tuckers" as some people in some circles refer to us. And my son does have my birth name as his first name (but we call him by his middle).

Sometimes, though, it just irks me that I can't be who I was from birth. It is a nice, well-thought out name altogether. There's only one grandchild with that last name now, and he just had a son, so I guess it is carrying on. I've often thought of taking back my name, but my husband and son, I think, would always consider it odd at the very least, and insulting at the worst. Which makes me think of how my older sons might feel that I didn't share their last name in the traditional way, and changed it so readily when I remarried. They probably don't think a thing of it, now, but maybe then they did. (My son's wife took his last name without a blink.)

It's complicated.

Karen

[Tuckervill]

I do have a friend who created a new name with her husband by combining their two last names. I mean, really, why do the women have to be the ones who abandon their family name?

I wish I had thought of that.

Karen

[Biciclista]

my grandparents had 6 grandchildren, all girls. and my grandfather was the only son. Their name is VERY rare. so when one of my cousins (one of the 6 of us grandkids) with this last name had a baby; she named her after my grandmother and grandfather by giving the baby the baby's great grandmother's first name and her married last name. The husband loves the name and wouldn't have it any other way. And it was the most wonderful gift to my grandmother.

[Tri Girl]

I changed my name. Never thought anything of it. Plus- I was changing my name from a really confusing German/American hybrid name to a generic name (Brown). I never have to spell it, which is so nice. When my dad died, I kind of wished I'd kept it, but my brother has a son, so the name will go on.

[fidlfreek]

Thanks Tuckervill for pointing out a 3rd option? Like Antonio Villaraigosa, the mayor of Los Angeles. He and his wife created a NEW last name out of their own former last names.

This seems like a beautiful alternative. ALSO There are also men who change their names. For instance http://www.signonsandiego.com/uniont...z1n16read.html

[Andrea]

I being the stalwart feminist here I can't help but think of the reason why this name change is the custom. That is, you are his property.

just my POV.

Speaking of customs, I don't have a 'maiden' name either.
I have a 'name at birth"

I never did too well in the role of maiden

Yeah, that, too

[Brandi]

I had already had two last names when i got married. The name I was born with, then my mom got married for a 2nd time and i took his last name(never legal though and that caused me problems later in life, like when i went to get a pass port and had to get someone to swear I was who i said I was, thanks mom) and the 2nd guy she married was an a*s so i was happy to change my last name and besides it is much shorter to write!

[sgtiger]

I kept mine because Dh insisted on it when we got married. Part of his reasoning was because it's not something that is done in my birth culture. I didn't really care too much one way or another. We did run into some hassles due to having different last names in the first few years of marriage, so I did consider changing it then. Dh told me if I did that, he would just take mine. (Sometimes he's willful and stubborn in the strangest ways.) Nowadays there isn't any issues with having different last names, so I'm glad I kept it. I don't mind if people refer to me as Mrs. Hislastname, though; and he's never corrected anyone who called him Mr. Mylastname either. And when we had our first child together, he wanted the kid to have both of our surnames. I decided to drop my last name when I filled out the birth certificate though. Our children's names are already very long with two middle names that the addition of my last name would have been over the top. As it is, their whole names do not fit on their social security cards.

IMHO it's a personal choice that you need to make with your intended.

P.S. I have friends who have taken each other's surnames without hyphenating. I don't know why but I like that better than using a hyphen.

[kelownagirl]

Looking for various thoughts on this.

I'm 35, getting married this June. When I was younger I generally thought I'd want to keep my name. Now it doesn't seem to matter as much (I know who I am whatever my name is right?) and it seems like a nice thing to take his name- kind of like just another part of the process. I've never been interested in hyphenating- and I like the idea of us having the same name. But all the same, there's a little piece of me that feels funny about it.

What do you all think? For anyone who has changed her name- how did it feel?

Thanks

I agree with Mimi's thoughts. That being said, I changed my name both times. Second time was really tough b/c I have the same first name as his ex and she kept her married name. BUT I decided I deserved the name and I feel like it's truly mine now.