making drastic changes in life

[Crankin]

I've lived 2 places that I was not a good fit with. Why do that to yourself, when you have a choice? Obviously, I had no choice at age 15, moving to Miami, but I did choose to stay in AZ, after I caught up with my parents, after they moved there. It was fine for a long time, it was really having kids that made me question what kind of environment I wanted to bring them up in, what I wanted them exposed to (cities, not Sunbelt developments, woods, ocean, seasons, valuing education). There are other places I know I would be OK living in, but I for one, would never deliberately put myself in a Texas, Oklahoma, or a number of other places. I've felt the sting of anti-Semitism enough in the south and even in Phx in the 70s and 80s, to know that I'd rather not feel that "different" from most of the people around me. If I had to move to a place that was not a good fit because of economics, of course, I would try to make the best of it, and I know how to get connected to a community, but I wouldn't like it. My world in Tempe was very small, staying within the confines of friends from the JCC and work. I always felt like I was swimming against the tide in terms of my values. The district where I taught had a very large percentage of students and faculty from a very conservative religion. It may sound silly, but sometimes, this was difficult, as it wasn't like this was something that was only at home for the kids. It was kind of in your face. Myself and another colleague once wrote a letter to the director of special ed and the superintendent, outlining why it was not OK to say a prayer, in Jesus' name, at the special ed awards night. Or why my 5 year old son had to explain to the cashier at the grocery store why he didn't celebrate Christmas. So, things like this, while small and insignificant to some, add up. Micro aggressions. I totally understand how this affects people. It just got on my nerves.

[OakLeaf]

Somewhat related: Children's social, academic functioning is impeded when their families move more often


I remember anti-Semitism in the neighborhood we lived in when I was in middle school, in the San Francisco bay area. And very frank racism in the Chicago suburb where I went to grade school. While there are definitely parts of the country where it's more acceptable to say certain things out loud in the 21st century (not necessarily where you'd think, either - I see more Confederate flags in Ohio than I do farther south), I don't think anywhere that isn't completely homogeneous is really safe from microaggressions.

And, my baby sister, who's if anything to the left of me politically, as well as needing much more of a cultural scene than I do - she loves Dallas. Lived there for a while, moved away, realized Dallas was where she wanted to be, came back, bought a house and established her business there. Unlike me, she isn't constitutionally moving-averse - she's lived in other English speaking countries and in several parts of the USA (as an adult) for long stretches, and traveled all over the world.

My dad spent most of his adult life running away from stuff. My mom uses a combination of denial and resilience to tell herself she's content wherever she is. [I haven't watched the second season of _Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt_ yet, but if you watched the first season, it really gave me an understanding of how so many people could find my mom charming, where all I could see was an incredible solipsism.] The combination has given me both the dysfunctional aversion to moving, and the commitment to making an honest assessment of what I like and don't like about something or somewhere before either embracing or discarding it.

[Pax]

Does anyone else find such decisions, about moving to find the "right" fit, complicated by being half of a couple? My wife would do anything to ensure my happiness and wellbeing, but it is at the expense of her own, and I want the best for her. Leaving Florida would be physically better for me, but she is thriving here, she gets to go running/walking outside to the beach year round, she loves all the sunshine, she is just happier here.... makes my heart hurt to think about taking her back to the grey skies and long winters.

Beyond the immediate concerns, I would love to be back in Chicago, back in the culture, diversity, and activity, but even though she was raised there, she finds the city overwhelming now (maybe because she's so introverted?). It's just difficult, after 26 years, to see how where we want to be can be so disparate.

[Helene2013]

Complicated yes. In a way. Because our views are opposite, but at same time they are about the same - even after 33 years it leads to good discussions. Good thing is we can come to a compromise with good reasoning.

Instead of moving back to Chicago and in order to still remain in a "warmer" climate in winter, could you find another city, state that could offer you a better air quality, and her, the warmth all year long. There must be somewhere in all those States that could do. It would be a good compromise. Personally, I'm am no fan of heat and humidity and I would never stay in a hot climate all year round. But if I could find better city/place than the brutal winters of Quebec, I certainly would move in a heartbeat (but because of his job right now---he's 26 years done and needs 28-30 to retire with pension) we have to wait some. I just cannot imagine myself staying in the province we are at retirement. For too many reasons (high taxes and expensive living costs due to taxes are tops).

Since I'm Canadian, I can't really reside full time in the USA (too complicated). So we will do 7 months there and 5 months elsewhere in Canada. At least at the beginning of our retirement. We'll see how things turn out along the year(s).

I can't tell for the culture, religion, etc as we don't see the debates or issues that we often seem to read on the other side of the border. Issues in Quebec are mostly related to "separation" from Canada but this is dying on its own with most young adults not as interested - and used to travel the world - to care about this part of politics. Maybe if I got stuck in all those things I valued, it may make it easier to stay or leave an area.

For my husband, I think he is more "afraid" of not finding enough French (he has good English but not as perfectly bilingual as me) in his new environment. Told him there are many places in Canada to find French, and even in good parts of the USA. Just need to do the good homework. I think that once I secure him with this, and where he will be landing in his future "homebase" he'll be 2 feet into the project. But true, it is not always easy in a couple when we are not on the same page for important things - or what is important to each of us.

[north woods gal]

Being half a couple works both ways, at least for some of us. Before I met my current husband, I was nearing retirement age and working in the Chicago area. My retirement plan" was little more than buying an old junker, pointing it west, and driving it till it fell apart and that spot would be my new home - as long as it wasn't in a big city (I'm a small town, country gal). Obviously not a brilliant retirement plan and had I not met my husband, shortly after, I might still be wandering around, looking for a place to call home. Why? I know myself well enough to admit that I am not a solo person. I need a companion on my journey though life and my partner is an integral part of what I regard as "home". I'm also a very open and flexible person, though, so it was easy enough for us to find a place we both could love.

On the other hand, I can see where it would be difficult if there is a difference in terms of where each half needs or wants.

[Pax]

Helene - an interesting thing about past choices influences future ones... we worked for the state of Illinois for so long our healthcare is attached to the plans they offer. We discovered recently that Florida refused free funding from the federal government to expand medicaid (healthcare for people with little money), since we will fall into that category when we retire we will be without affordable healthcare. By moving back to Illinois we will be in a wonderful healthcare system that is very affordable for us. So, no matter what, we'd be moving back in the next five years or so.

north woods gal - your retirement plan made me smile, mine was similar, only in a van. In many ways I'm very glad my beloved has slowed some of my wilder impulses.

[Helene2013]

We're so close as countries but yet so not the same.

Unless I am mistaking, our Canadian plan covers you no matter where you stay in Canada as it is a universal system paid through taxes. The new insurance takes effect 3 months after moving into the new province (for Ontario anyway). For instance, if I move from Quebec to Ontario, I get my new health card 3 months later, but still covered through my other province until then. It may mean that I might have to pay the doctor if I see him. But my Quebec plan will reimburse me until the new Ontario plan kicks in. Coverage varies from one province to the next.

In Quebec, most prescribed drugs are paid by government (no wonder our taxes are so high), if you have no work plan, etc. It has something like a deductible (not too sure how it works as I have a work plan and I don't use provincial one). But in Ontario, no drugs are covered at all. So I suppose someone has to make sure they have other insurance to cover this if needed (may be an Ontarian can confirm this).

Anyway, true that when you make some moves, you still have to do all the homework you can to avoid surprises. At least minimize it. And health is a biggie to think about.

[Jolt]

Does anyone else find such decisions, about moving to find the "right" fit, complicated by being half of a couple? My wife would do anything to ensure my happiness and wellbeing, but it is at the expense of her own, and I want the best for her. Leaving Florida would be physically better for me, but she is thriving here, she gets to go running/walking outside to the beach year round, she loves all the sunshine, she is just happier here.... makes my heart hurt to think about taking her back to the grey skies and long winters.

Beyond the immediate concerns, I would love to be back in Chicago, back in the culture, diversity, and activity, but even though she was raised there, she finds the city overwhelming now (maybe because she's so introverted?). It's just difficult, after 26 years, to see how where we want to be can be so disparate.

I can definitely see how being half of a couple could complicate matters, depending on the couple! I have seen couples where the partners have pretty much opposite preferences of what kind of place to live and am not sure how they work that out without it being a win/lose situation. Fortunately for me, my SO grew up in this area and doesn't feel a need to try living somewhere else…we also tend to have very similar preferences in a lot of things (we always joke that "great minds think alike"). I know people say that opposites attract, but I think that kind of a relationship would stress me out!

[emily_in_nc]

I definitely agree, Pax, that being half of a couple makes decisions on where to live harder! During our 31 years of marriage, we have moved quite a few times, and in most cases,, one of us was ever so slightly more gung-ho than the the other. And every lifestyle change/decision has been like that. Obviously we would never make these kinds of decisions unilaterally, but one person has to compromise his or her ideal choice more, perhaps.

If I were single, I am quite sure I would still be living in NC, not nomadic at all. I would not be brave enough to live this kind of lifestyle alone, plus I'd get too lonely if I didn't have a partner, since I'm introverted, so making new friends can be tough. With my DH, I always have one built-in bestie!

So, I am grateful to him because I think of how much I would have missed out on, so many amazing places and experiences, if he hadn't been driving these changes. Maybe your wife feels that way, Pax, and maybe she'll do just fine. As I mentioned in a previous post, when we moved to Florida, briefly, years ago, I loved it too, but I quickly adapted to life back in NC when we returned. And I was happy there too. I wish the same for your wife. But that doesn't mean that I don't feel your dilemma.

BTW, our healthcare is through the Obamacare exchanges in Florida, and we've found it to be fine for us. We have a low-cost Florida Blue plan as we're both too young for Medicare. But we didn't have the choice of a better plan in NC as neither of us qualified for a retiree medical plan (we worked for the same private company for years, and they finally declared bankruptcy), If we'd had something like you describe in IL, leaving would have been much more difficult, and we probably would never have done it.

I wish you peace with your decision, whatever it is.

[Pax]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Emily.

Sorry gals, didn't mean to derail the thread and make it about me.

[shootingstar]

I did a little half-fun, half-serious infographic about the 3 different Canadian regions where I've lived, worked and biked. I know, I choose some weird facts. And yes, there is a fact for comparative cycling experiences.

A person can read a ton of info. about a region. But until one actually lives there for a few years, there are some things one has no clue if one is not at resident at all.
While it's romantic to believe that good people don't think about race, ethnicity of others, influences attitudes, initial impressions, it's not realistic. I'm not going to kid myself that I would enjoy at midlife or close to retirement, to live forever in Spain or Germany. My gut feeling is being non-white, non native Spanish/German, one needs to become quite linguistically fluent in the language to even come close to being accepted as a "local". Even then, one still may be viewed slightly as an outsider. That's still no guarantee of relating to people on a equal footing.

I love travelling abroad, but after a few wks., I like coming back to Canada....a country in spirit historically and now, is an immigrant based country that allows a person to start off fresh anew, a different life.

Being here in the prairies, feels at times, like being stuck in the middle ..of vast open nothingness. In Alberta, the politics, funding matters on infrastructure, health care ends up with only 2 major cities (Calgary, Edmonton) vs. rest of rural Alberta. There are 3 other much smaller cities under 100,000. Guess where change has been driven from to redesign Albertan communities, include more and better multi-modal transportation systems, social justice programs......from people who have relocated from other parts of Canada/other countries. There are only 2 universities in Alberta ... so different from Ontario where it's a powerhouse of knowledge capital (over 8 large universities), more diverse industries, more diverse cultural activities, etc. Just going cycle touring you have towns, cities closer together for more enjoyable, less exhausting trip planning in southern Ontario. (But still, it's absolutely not like some smaller European countries where towns are even closer.)

Am focusing on geography. It's amazing how a country's geography influences us so heavily for health, transportation, comfort...or even as physical barriers that creates at times unusual psychologically subtle fences. Living in British Columbia, it was easier to be lulled to think only of the Pacific coastal region....because there are several mountain ranges to cross to get to Alberta: Cascade, Monashee Mtns, Selkirk and then Rocky Mountains. It was just easier to forget about rest of Canada when living in British Columbia. It often stuns me when just flying between Vancouver and Calgary, just how much of Canada is sheer unhabitable wilderness.

Am here in prairies because of a job, like many people who relocated to our city in the past 15 yrs.: it's either for a job or education. It is not for retirement unless one already has family/close friends. My vacation benefit limits me from returning to Vancouver often. But I do it when I can ..and he comes over to enjoy prairie /Rocky Mtns., especially when Vancouver has its heavier rainy season in late fall and winter.

I enjoy living in a place with 4 distinct seasons-- even if winter anywhere in Canada means cold, some sloppy days. I do like some distinct drama in seasonal changes.

[ny biker]

Does anyone else find such decisions, about moving to find the "right" fit, complicated by being half of a couple?

Late to the party here, things have been crazy lately. But I just wanted to mention that it's no picnic going through everything alone.

I'm very happy for you and Alex, Rebecca.

[Pax]

Late to the party here, things have been crazy lately. But I just wanted to mention that it's no picnic going through everything alone.

I'm very happy for you and Alex, Rebecca.

I wonder about what it would be like to be alone, sometimes. We've been together for 26 years and while many decisions are easy because we have so much in common, others can be a bear because we have different timetables or ideas about the future.

Do you ever find, without having someone to bounce ideas off of, that you can be prone to over-analysis paralysis?

[ny biker]

I wonder about what it would be like to be alone, sometimes. We've been together for 26 years and while many decisions are easy because we have so much in common, others can be a bear because we have different timetables or ideas about the future.

Do you ever find, without having someone to bounce ideas off of, that you can be prone to over-analysis paralysis?

Yes. Combine that with the fact of only 24 hours in a day and no one to split household tasks with, and there are plenty of important things that never get done.

[Pax]

Yes. Combine that with the fact of only 24 hours in a day and no one to split household tasks with, and there are plenty of important things that never get done.

I know when my honey had her hysterectomy and I had to do everything for a few weeks, it felt overwhelming. I eventually starting letting things slide because I ran out of hours in the day.