making drastic changes in life

[Helene2013]

I, too, moved so much when I was up to 18 (going through different schools in same year) that I don't care much where I live, as long as I'm happy. My plan in 2-4 years is to become more of a nomad and do the motorhome life until I get bored of it. As for hubby, he never moved from day 1...until he moved in with me. And talking about changes is oh...so hard. He's more rooted than I am for sure. He knew when we met that one day I'd be on the go again. It is a either follow me...or I go by myself. Limited options but have some. I stood by him for 30 years now because of his parents (now both deceased - mine are too), and his job. But once retired in the next few years...it will be on my ground! I have nothing but our jobs keeping us here. So once the jobs are over and done with...rock my world!

I've been talking to him for years now as I have to get him "ready" for this move at retirement. Once he owns something, no matter what, it is hard to let go. Just to get him to sort out his stuff is something. Baby steps...true baby steps! I don't accumulate and don't get attached to anything. I'm here today, have that today, but who cares for tomorrow. Just sell and move on.

It will be interesting to see how we will be dealing with this. He agrees to it. But the future (not knowing where he will be at "x" date) scares him, destabilizes him. Me. Nah. They have stores, food, and hospital anywhere I plan to go. That is good enough for me.

[ny biker]

I, too, moved so much when I was up to 18 (going through different schools in same year) that I don't care much where I live, as long as I'm happy. My plan in 2-4 years is to become more of a nomad and do the motorhome life until I get bored of it. As for hubby, he never moved from day 1...until he moved in with me. And talking about changes is oh...so hard. He's more rooted than I am for sure. He knew when we met that one day I'd be on the go again. It is a either follow me...or I go by myself. Limited options but have some. I stood by him for 30 years now because of his parents (now both deceased - mine are too), and his job. But once retired in the next few years...it will be on my ground! I have nothing but our jobs keeping us here. So once the jobs are over and done with...rock my world!

I've been talking to him for years now as I have to get him "ready" for this move at retirement. Once he owns something, no matter what, it is hard to let go. Just to get him to sort out his stuff is something. Baby steps...true baby steps! I don't accumulate and don't get attached to anything. I'm here today, have that today, but who cares for tomorrow. Just sell and move on.

It will be interesting to see how we will be dealing with this. He agrees to it. But the future (not knowing where he will be at "x" date scares him, destabilizes him). Me. Nah. They have stores, food, and hospital anywhere I plan to go. That is good enough for me.

I am not unlike your husband in this regard. Not so much afraid but heavily dependant on routine. Breaking my routine causes way too much stress for me. So it's something I need to prepare for -- when it is forced on me unexpectedly I don't deal well at all.

[Helene2013]

That is exactly him. If a routine is changed (and God I can be good at that ALL the time!) he is totally taken off guard and it can get messy. hihi He just does not understand how I can be like I am. He wished he could be like me (not a care in the world for stuff like that). He says this is what he loves about me: never a boring or dull moment. When I'm "quiet" is when I'm sick. I can change his weekend plan 2-3 times. So imagine if he had something in-line (like some house chores to do) and I tell him that I have this "brilliant" idea...and he has to shuffle stuff around...fun fun fun. haha In the end, he said my move was a better one. Sure... after all those discussions. You should have listened to me first. hihi

Rarely something important worries me (even losing a job, or needing to turn around quickly for something urgent, etc). Him....the end of the world just landed over his head!

[Pax]

NY, my wife is exactly the same. With this asthma thing I'd rather retire early and hit the road, travel to find a better place. That is WAY too much upheaval for her and it's stresses her unbelievably to even consider it. So if we have to go, it will be back to the hometown until she settles in and preps to retire, then I could very slowly introduce any possible change.

[Crankin]

I've moved a lot, but I am kind of done. We might buy a second home, but I am basically not going anywhere, except to travel. I am OK when I can control the change and when I initiate it. I can even be fine when it's imposed by work or others, but I do have a breaking point, usually shows up by my stomach rebelling orother physical symptoms. I have no trouble changing plans for a weekend, etc., but I used to be somewhat inflexible. I do like routine, but nothing what Helene describes in her husband. And I can get rid of stuff with no problem. I don't hold attachments to "stuff," maybe more to places.

[Catrin]

From age 12-42 I either lived or traveled in pretty much every part of the US. I even lived in Vancouver, BC back in '83 for about 6 months - it was interesting seeing my country from outside of my country. I've never regretted that and that was when people were moving to Canada from Hong Kong ahead of the British lease running out. Most of my moves were from just pure rebellion - especially in my teens and 20's. I was a hippie - or whatever we actually were in the '70's, I was a rolling stone. I didn't move so much in my 30's - but I made several large moves for both work and to get to where I could build a better life. Did I succeed at that? It depends on who answers the question but I think so.

Since coming to Indiana in 2000 for graduate school things have changed. Same job since 2012, though I seem to move to a new apartment every 4 years or so. Starting to get that itch again, now that I think about it, but will likely resist that itch as I like a lot of things about my current place. I don't have that much "stuff" and I always weed things further every time I move. I hate moving - as odd as that might sound. While there are many things I dislike about Indiana currently, and I doubt I would move here now if I weren't already here, there are things I like about my life here so I consider myself fortunate. If I did get a good job offer from location where different lifestyles and orientations were more welcome then I would go like a shot - but at my age I somehow don't see that happening.

[north woods gal]

My family moved around a lot when I was a kid, then we moved around a lot during my first marriage for the sake of employment, then after I was single, again, more moving for the sake of a job. As I approached retirement age, I began to wonder if I would ever really get the "I am home" feeling that so many of my friends and siblings claimed to have.

My mother, though, was born and raised in the north woods of Minnesota and during our summers, she always took us on a canoe trips and rented a cabin on a lake, not just for our sake, but because the north woods were home for her. That planted the seed in me, I guess, because when it came time for my husband and I to retire, he asked me where I wanted to live for the rest of my life and I wasted no time saying, the north woods.

I have that "I am home" feeling, now, for the first time in my life - long cold winters, bears, loons, mosquitoes and all. It's not for everyone, but with so many of us, up here, winter is a positive thing, something to enjoy, not something to be dreaded. Our home is on a quiet lake, one of 1100 lakes in our country. I can go canoeing, fishing, cross country skiing and more, any time I want, just by stepping out our back door. Crazy me, I just can't understand why anyone would live anywhere, else, now. Life is good, in our north woods.

I hope and pray all of you find your "I am at home" place, too.

[shootingstar]

Love some of these personal stories!

Drastic relocation from one city/region/climate area may need to be weighed against other drastic life changes caused by loss of partner / family member, etc.

Sure I spent lst 40 yrs. in 4 cities in southern Ontario -- before British Columbia, then Alberta. A significant life experience imprint on me, was the destabilizing, childhood phase of learning English starting in kindergarten. Extra ESL support continued for next 2 years for me. Though born in Canada, I never learned English until school. So in essence, I understand in my heart, intimately, what a non-English speaking immigrant feels like. The experience was nearly equal to moving to a different linguistic /country to live, where you are forced to learn to survive. No choice and it was a major upheaval.

"I am at home" place as north woods gal alludes to....to me, is feeling loved/accepted in a place/community where one feels safe, healthy with local possible avenues of more learning / exploration.

[Jolt]

I've moved a lot, but I am kind of done. We might buy a second home, but I am basically not going anywhere, except to travel. I am OK when I can control the change and when I initiate it. I can even be fine when it's imposed by work or others, but I do have a breaking point, usually shows up by my stomach rebelling orother physical symptoms. I have no trouble changing plans for a weekend, etc., but I used to be somewhat inflexible. I do like routine, but nothing what Helene describes in her husband. And I can get rid of stuff with no problem. I don't hold attachments to "stuff," maybe more to places.

We moved a few times growing up (dad's work) and I have no desire to do that now as an adult OR to put my kids through that when I have them…changing schools was not always a great experience. Even as an adult it is still stressful to have to start over making friends etc. in a new place and now that I am settled here in a place that I like with a good job, my plan is to stick around. I am all for traveling and seeing new places and would like to do more of it, but feel much better having a consistent home base to return to. As far as changes in general, I feel much the same way as far as it being easier to handle it if it was my idea…and if it's not then I'd better be given plenty of warning!

[OakLeaf]

Me too. Moving, even the twice-yearly move I do now (DH's choice, not mine), is a HUGE trigger for the instability of my childhood. The idea of "home" itself is a trigger, a heavily loaded concept my whole life. And the feeling of "coming home" - there's a song by a local band that tells the story of the singer driving back to Ohio, and with each verse, as he gets closer, he realizes more and more how homesick he's been, until by the time the song ends he's decided to come back permanently. One spring I was driving back home and that song came on just as I was crossing the border from West Virginia, and I very nearly had to pull over and bawl.

It's been a factor in some of my health-related choices, too. I know this life isn't permanent, no matter what I do, so the least disruption I can have for the longest amount of time, is the best I can ever hope for.

[rebeccaC]

Does anyone else find such decisions, about moving to find the "right" fit, complicated by being half of a couple?

For me...and this being a drastic change thread...being in a relationship that for the first time has the possibility of marriage I’ve been thinking a lot about and having conversations with Alex about being a committed couple and all that means.
Both of us think it’s important to have these conversations. We both feel one of a relationship’s important aspects is based on how differences are dealt with and that we are all shaped by different dynamics.
Our understanding and respecting each other's choices, our words of affirmation, our life’s ethos, how we deal with trusting one another, how we make decisions together are just some of the things that can make a marriage easier if we take time to work out our feelings in an honest and caring way before....that's what we're thinking anyway. Relationships are hard and marriage is even harder....i know good, bad and ended ones.

Every love story is beautiful, but Alexandra’s and mine is my favorite.


‘The negative feelings we all have can be addictive…just as the positive…it’s up to
us to decide which ones we want to choose and feed”… pema