I will be attending a cousin's wedding in a couple of weeks, several hundred miles from where I live. I was not invited to the shower, though my mother and sister (who don't live as far away from the bride) were invited.

We get along with this part of the family but we're not especially close. For the most part I think this is due to location. When I was growing up we often spent time with my aunt and uncle (grandparents to the bride) and their kids/my cousins (one of whom is the bride's father). The bride's grandmother has passed away, but I still see my uncle and other cousins (bride's grandfather and her aunts and uncles) at most holidays -- they all live closer to my parents.

So, last month, after the shower but before the wedding, I looked up the couple's registry online, purchased something from their list and had it sent to them as a wedding present. On the card I included a general message along the lines of "wishing you love and happiness." The other day I received a thank you card, saying they were sorry I wasn't at the shower but thank you so much for the generous shower gift.

But, um, that wasn't a shower gift, that was the wedding gift. I'm not sending another gift.

Not that I want to be stingy, but I really don't know this couple very well. And I'm just not rolling in disposable income right now, for a variety of reasons. And I have to pay for a hotel room and use a vacation day in order to attend this wedding. I mean, I'm happy to attend and I do wish them well, I just don't plan to buy any more gifts.

I just hope no one at the wedding mentions "my generous shower gift," because I really don't want to have to tell them that it was the wedding gift, not the shower gift.

I supposed I've learned a lesson from this. I was following Miss Manners' advice to send wedding gifts to the couple's home sometime between one year before and one year after the wedding. From now on, I'll wait and send the gift after the wedding.