Dear So and So

[laura*]

Dear nano-climates:

I hate you.

The weather forecast is for a short dry heat wave with "Santa Ana" style wind. The wind is supposed to be significantly drying. The relative humidity is expected to drop and remain low. There was even talk of a red flag forest fire danger.

I could probably throw burning coals into my yard and they would self extinguish. Last week (a week ago!) it rained 0.1" (yes, a tenth of an inch). The road, the driveway, the ground, the weeds, everything is still wet. The afternoon high briefly reached the mid 70's - which is about 20 degrees cooler than the forecast.

[Biciclista]

It's been 3 months. 3 months of not having my main squeeze. I've gotten my health back. (Maybe not all of my mental health)
I realize that without my dear obsessive cycling husband, I will probably never ride long distances (100k's) again, but I will continue to ride and promote cycling.
The house rings with silence when I don't remember to turn on the radio. I am so lucky because my DH wrote and wrote, all over facebook, all over bike journal. His blog has over 100 posts. He left scraps of paper around the house with short poems on it, he left journals, unmailed letters to the editor. He left little time capsules in cigarboxes, where he had keepsakes, letters, photos, and then put the box away... so each one is from a different era. There's only a few of them, but you can see what he cherished during that particular time.
I am sad and lonely and I miss him, but I am enough out of the black grief to know how lucky we were. How much he gave me, my sons, our family, his friends, his community...
okay, back to your regular station...

[marni]

dear Tamoxifen,
I am sick of losing four or five day of my life to you every six weeks or so. At this point I am almost hoping ( not really but that's how I feel) that next weeks mammogram on the remaining breast shows up with something that will require surgery so I can ust be through with this. I have lost 10% of my stregth, endurance and motivation from the first mastectomy and now matter how hard I work, it seems that I am still slowly sliding backwards. I am defintiely going to talk to the Dr. about just getting rid of you but with my luck, the changes and bouts of tamoxifen "poisoning" ( hot flashes, sweats, anxiety, loss of sleep, weepeiness, depression, anger, moodiness, and temporary weight gainwill become a permanent fixture for my life whether I take the **** pills or not.

signed I want my life back.

[Biciclista]

ah, Marni, chemo SUCKS. I hope you can get done with it SOON.

[Owlie]

(((Mimi)))
(((Marni)))

[indysteel]

(((Mimi)))
(((Marni)))

+1.

[OakLeaf]

Hugs to you both.

[Catrin]

Indeed, many hugs to both of you.

[alexis_the_tiny]

(((Mimi)))
(((Marni)))

Someone was telling me last night that after the darkness of every soul wrenching event in life, there's the joy of recovering from it and learning to bounce back.

[Biciclista]

well, that's probably why I look so good in comparison. I do get a lot of good out of it. They aren't going to make me any sadder, and I still do have to process my grief.
It just keeps coming in waves.. but there is more space between the waves now.
Interestingly, i had one woman pegged as the one who really wallowed in it, and in the last month I can see that even she is improving. There are whackjobs everywhere, but i think most of the people on the grief forum are simply people who lost their spouse and are in need of a little commonality. Your mother in law, cousin, father, friends just do NOT get it. It kinda takes one to know one.

[snapdragen]

(((Mimi)))
(((Marni)))

++1

[divingbiker]

Mimi, I've been away from TE for a while, and just learned recently that RaleighDon had gone to that long bike ride in the sky. I'm so sorry for your loss, but am so glad you have lots of things to remember him by.

Marni, hang in there.

[Biciclista]

thanks Divingbiker. I think one of the reasons I am posting here is because I had NO IDEA what it would be like to lose my spouse. I mean, i knew it would hurt and be sad; but the sheer enormity of it all ; i had NO Idea. I had no idea that time would become meaningless, some things went too fast, some went too slow; and meanwhile, I forgot ALL sorts of things that happened before, during, after.... It has been the most significant thing that ever happened in my life. bigger waves than getting married or having a kid. SERIOUSLY!

anyway; I think comparatively, I am doing VERY Well. I am on a widow's forum and I give myself A's in comparison!