Ever feel your making...

[Roadtrip]

Ever feel your making all the wrong decisions or your own self doubt in those decisions is so strong that you start to question everything??

Nearly three years ago I looked at my life and job, with a hard look, at both personal and professional. I decided to make changes, including job/employment, plus started down that road that brought me and my first bike Stella together. I took a new job of January 2011 and fully embarked on a series of new challenges that brought more money (and my first road bike) and opportunities.

These last few months, since late winter of this past year really, had been very hard. At Christmas we learned my MIL had been diagnosed with breast cancer. My job as consultant/IT contractor was transitioning from one assignment to another, bringing the unknown and stress of being a paid consultant without a "job/assignment" as I spent nearly eight weeks unassigned and without much real ability to change that.

Over these weeks it became really aware to me just how "concerned" my employer was with profits (you billing for your services) then any personal issues one may be experiencing... Your a resource and nothing more. We are treated very disrespectful and expected to just "take" it and ask for more. I mean yes the benefits are better and the pay is good, but you get very few vacation/personal days and when you do take vacation it's like your committing a crime.

So now I am here pondering all my decisions AGAIN. Feeling I've really screwed this up and realizing time with family really is important to me over most other things, making my current situation difficult and Roadtrip not very happy person right now. I've been a mess emotionally and very depressed, trying to find a way "out" of this job situation that makes me AND hubby happy.

Just venting out loud I guess...
Shannon

[ny biker]

You make the best decision you can with the information you have available at the time. If new information becomes available, in this case in the form of your experience at work, that doesn't mean you screwed up before. Just that now you have more information on which to base your decisions going forward.

I've found that even bad job experiences are useful, because you can learn from them. Especially if you're able to learn what really matters to you, and what is less important.

Good luck.

[DebSP]

19 years ago I took a job that suited my life at the time. It was a complete departure from my experience and my education. It paid decently, it had benefits, and the hours allowed me to be home to raise my children, a real plus to me. I have hated the job for the last 5 years. But the money isn't bad and there are still benefits, sick days, and decent amount of holidays. This year I decided to try to change my attitude towards the job because I was becoming depressed about it. I have tried really hard to look for positives in the work and the job itself. Although they are few and far between I felt I was making progress. Now there are things going on politically that may seriously affect my job and make the money and benefits go away and I will be left with a job I hate with good holidays! The way I see it, I can either stick it out until I retire in 10 years and look to other areas of my life to bring enjoyment or I can try to make a change career wise. I will probably stick it out for various reasons, but I am going to have to try VERY hard to find fulfillment in other areas of my life to make it worthwhile. Sometimes I feel that I made a bad choice back then. That I should have continued on the career path that I was on. But when I look at my life then and think about how well it suited me to change, I realize that it wasn't that bad! I guess the main reason for me to stay is that if I stay I CAN retire in 10 years. If I change I will be working for at least another 15 years, and there is no guarantee that I will like another job. NY Biker is absolutely right, it is the information that you have at the time that affects your decisions.

[Catrin]

{{{{Road Trip}}}} sending you warm hugs and thoughts. This is a stressful time for you. Don't second guess past decisions but use all that you have learned to inform future ones. Venting is good

[girlontheroad]

Roadtrip, hang in there whatever you decide. I agree with the other posters; you make the decisions based on the information you have at the time. And everyone's decisions about situations are different. A few years ago I left a stable university job because I realized that I was very unhappy, working too hard and didn't have time for the things that did matter to me. I had the option of going out on my own as a consultant and it has been the best decision I've made--just like taking the job 14 years ago was the best decision before things changed there (it was my dream job at the time). My best friend was supposed to leave with me but she never did...the difference? I have 20 years at least until retirement--she has 5 or less. I couldn't stand the idea of 20 more years as I realized the political landscape as I advanced in my job didn't stop with problems with my boss, but went all the way to the top. I recently had a health scare and surgery (successful and I can't wait for my 6 weeks of purgatory--I mean recovery--to end!) and thought...hmm perhaps this wasn't a great idea because I pay my own health insurance now and if I don't travel, I don't get paid. However, I realized in my worries about my health that my life is better for the decision I made to work for myself and if I get to the point where I can't do that anymore, I'll find a new job that meets my needs at that time. I guess what I'm saying is that the bad part is most workers don't find themselves staying in 1 job for their whole career...and that's the good news too. The key is in knowing what matters and what works now for your situation and what your fall back plans can be (at least I need that for piece of mind). Whatever you decide you will find a way to make it work...and if not, just make sure you can ride your bike more--the escape is essential in bad situations!

[emily_in_nc]

Ever feel your making all the wrong decisions or your own self doubt in those decisions is so strong that you start to question everything??

Definitely, Shannon! I can totally relate!

My situation is not job-related but lifestyle related. In 2010 when we made the decision to buy a condo and retire in Belize in 2011, we really thought it was the right decision for us and that we would love it here. I mean, we loved it on vacations, knew it was one of the few places we could both escape winters AND be car-free, and it would allow us to have a lower cost of living than in the US.

However, after less than a year of living here full-time, we had already realized that the place we chose was not going to suit us long-term for a variety of reasons. Living in a vacation paradise is entirely different than vacationing in one, and I could make a very long list of why our location does not suit us. That's not to say we haven't had some wonderful times here and learned a lot, but ultimately it's just not "our place".

DH and I had many long, heart-to-heart talks about why we weren't happy here and what we'd learned from making this move -- as well as what might suit us better. But we weren't sure we trusted ourselves to make the "what next" decision. Every idea we came up with, we could see problems with. We felt almost paralyzed to make a decision lest we make the "wrong" one again.

I've been a mess emotionally and very depressed, trying to find a way "out" of this job situation that makes me AND hubby happy.

I've felt the same. Part of these feelings were tied in with being retired after working my entire adult life and suddenly not having a career, a job, a purpose. It's a real loss, even though I was more than ready to leave my job, the politics, and the stress of it all behind. I've rarely felt as depressed in my life as I have these past few months, and it is a scary thing -- especially since so many of my friends are envious of our lives and think everything must be "perfect" here in "paradise". Haha! Any place can be paradise for some but hell for others, no matter how beautiful it is, and even if you live right on the beach with palm trees blowing in the breeze outside your windows.

If I were in the US, I proabably would have gone to a therapist or counselor to talk some of these issues through, but I don't have access to that kind of care here, so I've been reading a lot online and working through things in my own head and with DH.

And what I'm finding is starting to happen for me, and hopefully will start happening for you before too long too, is a glimmer of hope for the future. At some point you start to move forward and get "unstuck" emotionally. Either you decide to change your thinking about your current situation, maybe figure out ways to make it work better or to alter it slightly so it doesn't cause you misery; or you start moving forward to another plan, and the future starts to look brighter again. I knew when I started to get enthusiastic about something we might do in the future that I was starting to "get better" and come out of the worst of the depression.

One thing I've started to realize, and what some of the other posters have stated, is that you have to make the best decision you can at the time. We did that, you did that. And if that decision turns out not to be right down the road, whether quickly (like with us), or many years later (like with you), you can't beat yourself up. Ultimately, even if you lose faith in your ability to make another decision, you'll make one once again, and it will be the best one you can make at the time. That's all any of us can do -- we're human. If we never take any risks in life, we may never stumble, but life won't be very interesting either.

As nybiker put it: "I've found that even bad job experiences are useful, because you can learn from them. Especially if you're able to learn what really matters to you, and what is less important. "

Substitute the word "life" for the word "job" in her statement, and it can apply to just about anything, including my experience here in Belize. I realize that DH and I have both learned a lot about ourselves from this and what is most important to us. This should help us in making our next life decisions. And that makes me feel a lot less depressed and less emotional about the whole thing and more determined to forge a better future.

Hang in there -- you'll get there too. And if it's taking too long and you really feel stuck, do consider going for some counseling to get over the short-term hump. I would have loved to have had that option.

Best wishes,
Emily

[smittykitty]

Thanks ladies!!! Great advice. I know it wasn't directed to me, but it sure applies to my situation also! Oh, and the bike rides really do help!

[Melalvai]

Thanks Roadtrip for sharing. It's good to know I'm not alone.

We felt almost paralyzed to make a decision lest we make the "wrong" one again.

I feel like I dragged my family through several moves for my career which, well, hate is too strong a word, but for what we've been through I ought to love it. And I do not. I feel so guilty. I wonder what it would look like if we hadn't made that first move for my career, the one that led to moving several more times. It was so long ago, I am tempted to say we'd be happier, but honestly we probably wouldn't be. I'd probably be super resentful that I "gave up" my career for family.

We never really know what the right choices are. Life should be full of regrets. If it's not, we haven't really been living. Or we've been really, really lucky.

I cope by telling myself that kind of thing. But it doesn't really help.

Knowing that you all have the same feelings helps.

Your job brought you your road bike, so it wasn't a total loss. As far as your family, what if the situation were reversed? I hope that I would be a loving spouse and not resentful about moving a lot. That takes away some of the guilt. When I make mistakes, that's an opportunity for my spouse to show his love. (He cannot resist a crying woman, so it actually works out fantastic, lol!)

[shootingstar]

Hope you find an easier solution Roadtrip.

Even if a person makes and lives a great/decent decision now, doesn't mean things may change very drastically later. So the time outside of your job that is spent with famiy is more important. For some of us (including me) who have focused on one's job(s), there is a point you have to walk away at the end of the day. I have a boss who is high maintenance (but she doesn't quite realize it), gets angry alot (but usually for the right things, not at her employees that report to her), fights for her dept. (which we all appreciate), but who will retire in about 5-7 yrs. There may be some drastic organizational changes then which may not be necessarily the best.

The biggest difference is that she does appreciate her employees' effort and tries to credit accordingly...though sometimes she just ...forgets. And she swears, though not over what we do. (She has 2 university degrees.)

[OakLeaf]

(((((Roadtrip)))))

As usual I'm at a loss for advice, but just wanted to extend my sympathy.

[hebe]

I can't add anything to the great thoughts above. I hope your MIL is doing ok, it must be an extraordinarily stressful time for you, and I don't doubt that it's magnifyng everything that doesn't feel right for you. Hugs.