Dear So and So

[snapdragen]

to whom it may concern
Besides woolweenies, this IS my favorite thread; it's where ALL of us go to get stuff off our chests. I don't really like the spotlight, especially with this situation.
I am not going to start a thread for this; if someone else does, it's fine with me, but I'd just as soon go here and read all your gripes and tribulations too, makes life more interesting.

Not to mention it will help you to think about other things, if only for a few minutes. I know I needed that when my dad was sick.

Glad to hear you have good feelings about RD's docs - that is so important.

Take care mimi

[jobob]

Davis, Seattle ...

Doh, Davis, of course! (slaps head)

[Owlie]

I should have also added "reasonable cost of living for someone living on a grad student stipend (ie, poverty)!"

Actually, UCSD and UC Berkeley have programs I'm interested in. But they're both really expensive, and with the current pickle that California's in, I've heard things are not so great for grad students. I've also looked at Oregon State, but don't know enough about the area (or the program) to say "yes, I want to go there."

Also, we finally got the plates off the car. After 2 hours.

[Trek420]

Doh, Davis, of course! (slaps head)

Chico has great cycling, club cycling at least and I think the town and university are pretty good. My personal bet would be on Santa Cruz.

[indysteel]

Dear dear friend:

I love you and your boys; you're like family to me. Your husband, however, is a jerk. I don't know how to respond to half of what you say about him, especially since you say most of it so matter of factly (is "factly" a word?). Today's comment was a perfect example of this: "We were going to call you Saturday about a play date in the park, but Husband realized that he 'hadn't done anything with the boys all summer,' so we went to Eagle Creek for a hike."

The father of your children, your husband, hasn't done anything with his own children for the last three months? How can that be? I can't tell if you're miserable and just too prideful to let on or if you're just resigned to the situation. From my vantage point, this is not a happy family. I've mostly held my tongue because when I have given you a bit of bait to talk openly about your marriage, you haven't taken it. But, honestly, I'm very concerned. And sad. You and the boys deserve so much more.

Signed,

A very worried surrogate aunt

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

Indy, keep in mind that it was she who said that her husband "realized that he hadn't done anything with the boys all summer". It sounds like kind of sarcastic choice of words on her part.
You say "I don't know how to respond to half of what you say about him, especially since you say most of it so matter of factly"- this tells me your friend has a certain habitual and routine way of talking about her husband in a way that always paints him in a bad light. It's entirely possible that if one asked her husband directly, he could list all kinds of things he had done with his boys during summer, and might not feel he 'realized' anything to the contrary at all.

People who routinely describe their spouses in a disparaging yet matter-of-fact way often have a problem themselves. Just sayin it's something to consider.

[indysteel]

Indy, keep in mind that it was she who said that her husband "realized that he hadn't done anything with the boys all summer". It sounds like kind of sarcastic choice of words on her part.
You say "I don't know how to respond to half of what you say about him, especially since you say most of it so matter of factly"- this tells me your friend has a certain habitual and routine way of talking about her husband in a way that always paints him in a bad light. It's entirely possible that if one asked her husband directly, he could list all kinds of things he had done with his boys during summer, and might not feel he 'realized' anything to the contrary at all.

People who routinely describe their spouses in a disparaging yet matter-of-fact way often have a problem themselves. Just sayin it's something to consider.

I hear what you're saying, but this was just one comment among many, and one observation among many. If this were isolated, I would have brushed it off. I've known this family and her for a long time and have been witness to a number of situations firsthand. My assessment is this: My friend is a very independent person who married someone who is a workaholic and equally independent. They peacefully coexisted until they had kids. Now they have two young boys who require a lot of attention. That job has largely fallen on her shoulders, and they simply do not do much together as a family. I have enough friends married to wonderful fathers to appreciate the difference. Plus, part of my opinion is based on my own interactions with the guy. He's about as warm and friendly as a rattlesnake. He's just not nice.

From the first week of their elder son's life, he just hasn't been engaged. I think she battled it for a time, but then became resigned to it. I know enough about their dynamic, her husband's own family, and his tendency to put work well before everything else to conclude that this is mostly about him. Yes, she's played an active role in allowing it, but it's mostly him. Perhaps she made him feel unnecessary from the start....but his first act as a parent the day they brought their eldest home from the hospitalwas to play golf. So, I dunno.

Whatever the case, I feel bad for the boys. Putting aside the issue of blame, I don't think it's an overly happy home. And that makes me sad.

[Biciclista]

In the end, the one who will lose isn't the kids, it's the dad. They realize at a certain point that mom is there for them and dad isn't; and he's the one who dies lonely.

[Catrin]

It is difficult to watch a friend in this kind of situation, and it can be difficult to know how to be supportive. It would make me sad as well. It can be hard to see what is really going on from the outside of a family but it sounds like you've had enough interaction with all of them to have a good picture.

[indysteel]

In the end, the one who will lose isn't the kids, it's the dad. They realize at a certain point that mom is there for them and dad isn't; and he's the one who dies lonely.

Yeah, although when I think of my own neglectful parent (mom), it causes me much pain. Of course, my dad wasn't much better. They at least have a great and loving mom.

In sharing my thoughts about this family, I want to make clear that I'm smart enough to appreciate that things are never black and white, which is one of the reasons I've held my tongue. But the comments/observations are starting to add up enough that I feel like it might be a subject worth talking about with her. Delicately.

[channlluv]

Dear whoever decided to keep my favorite water bottle that I left on the office bathroom counter after work yesterday -

Really??

Do the office cleaning staff have a lost and found?

Roxy

[emily_in_nc]

UNC-Chapel Hill comes to mind. Free busses.

I read through the thread to see if I needed to post this. I see tulip already has. Chapel Hill/Carrboro has a lot to recommend it per your requirements. I wish when I was a student here, oh so many years ago, that cycling had been "big". As it was, I didn't know a single person (male or female) who rode a bike while I attended UNC ('79 to '83), so it wasn't something I even thought of. If I were a student here now, I'd so ride everywhere. I do that as much as possible even as a 50-year old alumna!

And the free busses are great.

[tulip]

I read through the thread to see if I needed to post this. I see tulip already has. Chapel Hill/Carrboro has a lot to recommend it per your requirements. I wish when I was a student here, oh so many years ago, that cycling had been "big". As it was, I didn't know a single person (male or female) who rode a bike while I attended UNC ('79 to '83), so it wasn't something I even thought of. If I were a student here now, I'd so ride everywhere. I do that as much as possible even as a 50-year old alumna!

And the free busses are great.

by the time I got there (1985), there were a few bikes, but by 1987 (my sophomore year because I took a year off after freshman year) I had one of the first mountain bikes around. It attracted alot of attention. My freshman year I lived in Morrison (9th floor) and there was no way I was going to lug a bike up all those stairs. The elevators either never worked or smelled like a frat house. Either way, I took the stairs.

When I went back for grad school (1997-99), everyone had bikes. It was great. But the busses weren't free until later.

[jelee1311]

Dear doctors, nurses,friends,and family, Thank you for doing such a good job on my DD tonsilectomy. All of your caring and concern has meant the world to us. She's doing great and eating lots of ice cream.

[MM_QFC!]

Hey Mimi - just saw your news and want to send my own big hugs to you and Don. This is a hit but you're facing it together and it'll make you stronger for it.