Dear So and So

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

Indy, keep in mind that it was she who said that her husband "realized that he hadn't done anything with the boys all summer". It sounds like kind of sarcastic choice of words on her part.
You say "I don't know how to respond to half of what you say about him, especially since you say most of it so matter of factly"- this tells me your friend has a certain habitual and routine way of talking about her husband in a way that always paints him in a bad light. It's entirely possible that if one asked her husband directly, he could list all kinds of things he had done with his boys during summer, and might not feel he 'realized' anything to the contrary at all.

People who routinely describe their spouses in a disparaging yet matter-of-fact way often have a problem themselves. Just sayin it's something to consider.

[indysteel]

Indy, keep in mind that it was she who said that her husband "realized that he hadn't done anything with the boys all summer". It sounds like kind of sarcastic choice of words on her part.
You say "I don't know how to respond to half of what you say about him, especially since you say most of it so matter of factly"- this tells me your friend has a certain habitual and routine way of talking about her husband in a way that always paints him in a bad light. It's entirely possible that if one asked her husband directly, he could list all kinds of things he had done with his boys during summer, and might not feel he 'realized' anything to the contrary at all.

People who routinely describe their spouses in a disparaging yet matter-of-fact way often have a problem themselves. Just sayin it's something to consider.

I hear what you're saying, but this was just one comment among many, and one observation among many. If this were isolated, I would have brushed it off. I've known this family and her for a long time and have been witness to a number of situations firsthand. My assessment is this: My friend is a very independent person who married someone who is a workaholic and equally independent. They peacefully coexisted until they had kids. Now they have two young boys who require a lot of attention. That job has largely fallen on her shoulders, and they simply do not do much together as a family. I have enough friends married to wonderful fathers to appreciate the difference. Plus, part of my opinion is based on my own interactions with the guy. He's about as warm and friendly as a rattlesnake. He's just not nice.

From the first week of their elder son's life, he just hasn't been engaged. I think she battled it for a time, but then became resigned to it. I know enough about their dynamic, her husband's own family, and his tendency to put work well before everything else to conclude that this is mostly about him. Yes, she's played an active role in allowing it, but it's mostly him. Perhaps she made him feel unnecessary from the start....but his first act as a parent the day they brought their eldest home from the hospitalwas to play golf. So, I dunno.

Whatever the case, I feel bad for the boys. Putting aside the issue of blame, I don't think it's an overly happy home. And that makes me sad.

[Biciclista]

In the end, the one who will lose isn't the kids, it's the dad. They realize at a certain point that mom is there for them and dad isn't; and he's the one who dies lonely.

[indysteel]

In the end, the one who will lose isn't the kids, it's the dad. They realize at a certain point that mom is there for them and dad isn't; and he's the one who dies lonely.

Yeah, although when I think of my own neglectful parent (mom), it causes me much pain. Of course, my dad wasn't much better. They at least have a great and loving mom.

In sharing my thoughts about this family, I want to make clear that I'm smart enough to appreciate that things are never black and white, which is one of the reasons I've held my tongue. But the comments/observations are starting to add up enough that I feel like it might be a subject worth talking about with her. Delicately.

[Catrin]

It is difficult to watch a friend in this kind of situation, and it can be difficult to know how to be supportive. It would make me sad as well. It can be hard to see what is really going on from the outside of a family but it sounds like you've had enough interaction with all of them to have a good picture.