I miss her

[Irulan]

Depressive disorders and mental health issues most definitely run in families, but it's only recently that people started acknowledging it and talking about it.

When my mom, who is treated bi polar, started mapping out the family history... all you need to do is start to listen to the stories. Crazy Aunt Edna the recluse? Great Grandpa tried to kill himself three times? Drank arsenic and survived? Once you know what to listen/look for, it's pretty obvious.

I have special concerns. My mom is bipolar and treated for 30 years now, but that was only after several full blown hollywood style flip outs that turned my and my sister's life upside down when I was a teen.(carried away in a straight jacket etc) When I started getting depressed, I was petrified and did seek treatment almost immediately: I did not want that to happen to me.

It's critical that people talk about it, remove the stigma, and treat mental illness like any other disorder. You don't hide someone's diabetes or arthritis. My kids have know since they were middle school about what runs in the family, what the symptoms are, etc. Education and awareness.

I ripped a lady a new one one time. She was gossiping about a mutual acquainted (not even friend) and how "omg... she's taking antidepressants can you imagine...?" I reamed her out for a) gossiping, and b) let her know that it's no different than taking a blood thinner and she ought to get educated about mental illness. I was pissed.

[Kerry1976]

I agree with sharing in the family. I've lost multiple family members (on both sides) to issues:

My mom's younger brother 25 years ago - suicide
My dad's younger sister 1.5 years ago - overdose of drugs and medication
My grandmother (dad's mother) - about 7 years ago this month- house fire, but started as she was inebriated and fell asleep while smoking and caught herself on fire

My grandfather (mom's father) - has depression (still alive, but we watch him closely)

It is so important to know and share family histories and tendencies. One person's tragedy can be shared to save another's life. I personally feel it is no different than sharing history of cancer, diabetes, blood pressure, etc.

I can't imagine the heartbreak of your loss. I am so sorry.

[shootingstar]

I've had to take each major change in life in short time period ..in measured steps. So when I get around to making use of some counselling services that I have access via employer's benefit plan...

Wow, NWBY, re your mother maybe not knowing. But maybe she might know after all these years....

Of course my cycling friend, didn't find out that her father overdosed until a few yrs. after he died. (By the way, her brother made a film that was aired nationally...about their father's fortune cookie making business...here in Calgary. A dedication to the father..)

I don't necessarily ascribe genetic predispositions. I know for certain the process of immigration and acculturation into another new culture and language that is radically different, with cross-cultural overlay for our family can sometimes cause stress/depression when values clash between generations, and there's familial conflict. I wouldn't necessarily label that whole messy stuff, bipolar at all. Imagine not even having a language/vocabulary to translate to my own mother fully what I am thinking /feeling or any of her children. And vice versa.

As mentioned probably in another thread months ago, I underwent counselling for 1 yr. when I was at university. There were alot of things going in life related to family, need for independence/autonomy.... It was highly beneficial to me. I so wished I could have been there for my sister to encourage her not to give up on counsellling or find a different therapist. (she saw psychiatrist, but gave up later) Participating in therapy takes personal time, effort and risking your heart to explore in ways and solutions a person didn't consider before.

[PamNY]

Shootingstar, I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine the pain.

As far as the children, I think they should be told. In many family situations, children figure out the truth, and the parents/adults are actually protecting themselves when they conceal things. In my life, I was harmed far more by ill-kept secrets than by facing difficult truths. Of course, there are familial and cultural differences which I can't know, and no one knows what is right for another family. But it's something to consider.

I hope your family finds peace and comfort in time.

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

I add my wishes for you as well, I hope you find strength and peace somehow after your sister's passing. It's terribly hard, I know.

[NbyNW]

I ripped a lady a new one one time. She was gossiping about a mutual acquainted (not even friend) and how "omg... she's taking antidepressants can you imagine...?" I reamed her out for a) gossiping, and b) let her know that it's no different than taking a blood thinner and she ought to get educated about mental illness. I was pissed.

Good for you. I, too, hope the stigma of talking about these disorders will go away with time.

It's great that you are able to talk to your kids about this. I wish my parents had been able to talk to me about it. I think a lot of people genuinely struggle with the if/how/when.

[oz rider]

Sorry to hear this shootingstar. I'll think of you over the festive season, which is so difficult for so many, but especially when you've just moved.

[PamNY]

I ripped a lady a new one one time. She was gossiping about a mutual acquainted (not even friend) and how "omg... she's taking antidepressants can you imagine...?" I reamed her out for a) gossiping, and b) let her know that it's no different than taking a blood thinner and she ought to get educated about mental illness. I was pissed.

Good for you. I hope your message got through.

[Crankin]

Irulan, I wish more people would speak up like this!
Yes, yes, and yes, depression and other mental illnesses do have a genetic component and it would be irresponsible to think otherwise. It doesn't mean that you will have the problem, more like if there are certain stressors in your life, you are more apt to have a depressive type reaction. You can inoculate yourself against this with lots of things, but knowledge is the most important. It's no different than knowing that alcoholism runs in your family.
As far as telling teens the reason for someone's death in the case of suicide, they are quite capable of understanding this, as long as they have the support of the adults around them, i.e. the adults are willing to talk openly and freely about why someone would do this. Of course, I am a firm believer in being frank, open, and brutally honest about discussing difficult issues with kids in general. We don't give kids enough credit. Protecting kids from the "difficult" things in life doesn't do them any favors. They need the tools to be able to deal with things as they grow up, and being able to talk about all kinds of things with their parents, or other trusted adults really goes a long way.

[lph]

I agree whole-heartedly - let the kids know. Kids know suicide exists, and they most certainly know all about strong feelings, so I don't think they will have any trouble at all accepting that this was the cause of her death. Not telling them only perpetuates the myth that suicide is somehow shameful.

[sundial]

Shootingstar, I'm very sorry for the loss of your sister. What a terrible, tragic, untimely death for one so young and with so much life ahead of her. My thoughts are with you and your family.

[SheFly]

Shooting Star - I sit in tears reading your thread. My heart goes out to you, and I send you my condolences.

As you know, I lost my younger brother to suicide 1.5 years ago. The pain has not subsided, and I still miss him every day. We weren't necessarily close - he lived near Ottawa, and I live near Boston, but I still think of the good times we shared, and unfortunately, sometimes about the not so good.

I also survived the suicide of my best friend one week before graduating from high school - 23 years ago. I still ache with that loss as well.

Last year, I walked in memory of my brother, to help raise awareness around depression and suicide. Too much stigma in our society for a disease that can kill - just like cancer. I wrote about that here.

I am a person who is constantly busy - working, president of a 350 member bike club, and 30+ races per year. All of that business has sadly led me into my own despair this year - a delayed reaction to losing my brother. I am working the issues now, but know that you need to work through your grief, and most importantly, to take care of yourself.

The pain eases, and some days, even subsides. Losing a sibling is hard - losing a sibling to suicide is even harder.

I wish you fond memories. If ever you want to talk, you know how to find me.

SheFly

[shootingstar]

SheFly, somehow I knew our paths would cross again here. I share the depth of sadness with you.

Well true, busyiness are great distractions. But the right activity if done in judicious measure and if you love doing it, shouldn't stop you. Cycling should not be dismissed, but keeps you afloat health-wise. I know it does for me. Today I rode a slow 6 kms. to the grocery store so that I could avoid the ice.

She is the little girl, smaller than me in this black 'n white photo. Cuter than fat-headed me. She is looking directly at the photographer with a wistful expression on her child-face:

http://forums.teamestrogen.com/showthread.php?t=29072

I seem to only sleep fully, half the nights so far in past 2 months. Since I am the eldest, whatever clothing I wore, she would be next in line to get the hand-me down. That is I guess, the closeness due to birth order, etc.

I lead a very simple life these days. Many trivialities fall by the wayside when something like this happens. I don't have a tv, I don't twitter/facebook..I don't have /want these distractions. I like to make each day count, each word I write, worthwhile.
I won't be blogging on stories related to my sister nor some sort memorial post. It's hard to contain the lifelong knowledge of a person into 1 pithy post/story. Instead maybe weave more personal /family details in general in some of the writings. I've already begun this in some of my recent posts across the 2 blogs.

That's great you did the walk, SheFly. I haven't thought that far. My sister's ashes were buried just last weekend.