I miss her

[shootingstar]

It is still difficult for me to reveal this. But I feel compelled abit especially when occasionally there are threads about depression, illness, etc. Also this is a women-centred forum, so I think lots of folks might understand:

A sister of mine committed suicide over 2 months ago. She was 1 yr. younger than I, mother of 2 adult children in their early 20's and loved by a hubby. Each of her children insisted and did deliver their euolgies on their mother which were moving. She and her hubby raised their children well, of whom we all have known well from babyhood. Sis did suffer bouts of depression which we found out later but she hid much of it from her siblings. After all, one loves a sibling unconditionally despite certain behaviour /relationship quirks, of which none were hurtful to us/her sbilings.

The surviving family is left forever helpless to explain the real reasons why she chose this end. However I don't wish to get into much detail on family, etc., since there are family members still hurting a great deal which I feel a powerful need to protect their privacy.

Since then, I have had mixed responses from close friends to the news. The best support from closest, in-person friends who have already a lost a close family member. Most surprisingly, a long-time in-person cycling friend for past 15 yrs., came forward and told me for the first time that her father committed suicide at 64. He died over 20 yrs. ago. (He suffered from depression after being imprisoned for 2 yrs. and probably subjected to some brainwashing/torture at the height of communism in China during Mao's violent reign/ revolution.) But she doesn't tell many people about it. It is not surprising to me, given the inability of family member to properly explain stuff for fear of being misunderstood. After all, friends are not psychologists.

My world did turn upside down, since after the funeral, I also moved to another city after accepting a job offer several wks. before my sister's death. The shock was great enough that I had to request delay of my start date on job by 2 wks.

For the longest while, most things looked trivial. It has changed forever perhaps, even what I write in my blogs now: I want to write stuff that counts/that makes sense to others, choose photos that are worth looking at it since Internet stuff hangs around a long time. Occasionally I even wonder about my own responses / grief to all this.

So this Christmas is thinking about the light of life in the darkness of loneliness which my sister must have felt the darkness....too much. On the day after learning the news, I started off my bike ride, crying: This one's for you, dear sis.