I miss her

[Bike Writer]

Shootingstar, I am so sorry to read about your loss. What a tragedy for you to bear. Sending you warm thoughts and many prayers.

[azfiddle]

Shooting Star,
Thank you for reaching out and sharing your sad experience with us and I hope that it helps. I lost my mom to suicide as a teen. It was so hard for me to understand why a person would be hurting so much that they believed that taking their own life would be better. I know that I felt so much guilt that I could have done something differently, but of course, I couldn't. So I hope you are not experiencing that sense of guilt.

Hugs

[owlice]

shootingstar, I am so sorry for your loss; that is tragic and sad.

I know what it's like to lose a sibling, though not to suicide. My brother was less than a year younger than I and died 16 years ago. I used to scream in my car, pound the wheel, and cry, wondering where my brother had gone, how could he no longer be here?

You will always miss her. As time goes by, you will not always miss her all the time. It will hurt less often, but it will likely be a year or two before you notice that it isn't hurting so often, that there are breaks between the hurt, and times when it doesn't hurt so much to think of your sister, times when you are simply grateful for having had the opportunity to know her.

I hope that you can talk to your family, to her children and husband, to your parents, about your sister.

Your change in perspective will probably stay with you; so far, it has for me.

I am so so sorry; you have my deepest condolences.

[shootingstar]

It's hard enough losing a sibling in this way, but I think even harder if it is a parent.

I don't know why I think this way.

by the way, another sister and hubby brought along their 3 children to the burial. They are 13, 11, 9 yrs. The parents haven't yet flat out explained that their aunt's death was a suicide.

Parents want to take time..later to reveal. What would you do..or even say?

[Irulan]

A suicide survivor recently told me that in the darkness of suicidal thoughts, the person has such twisted, wrong perceptions that they are absolutely right what they are doing.

yes, I am one and I would agree - you get so into the throes of where your (mis)perceptions/mental illness are taking you, that it really does seem like the only option. I was fortunate in that there wasn't and anger, just, "wow, let's get some help here about what brought you to this place" and we ( my family, husband and I) were able to move forward with the professional help I/we needed.

Anyway, hugs. I can only imagine how difficult this is for everyone. As for what's appropriate to tell the kids...I'd look for professional help/guidance/counseling for everyone. My personal feeling is that those kids are old enough to know what mental health issues are in the family and that it should be talked about, but with professional guidance. I certainly don't NOT talk about it here... we've got bi polar, alcoholism and assorted depressive issues in the family tree, and we most certainly talk about it.

[NbyNW]

I think you just have to trust the parents' judgment to know what their children can handle, and when.

There are no right answers here, only people who love each other who are trying to do their best to decide what people can handle.

I learned of my maternal grandfather's suicide by accident, when another relative let it slip over dinner. I think I was in my late 20s when I learned this. Up until that time I believed he had died of a stroke. There had always been conflicting stories about his passing, I had just chalked it up to people's memories being faulty with time.

I was told I must never, ever, EVER discuss this with my mother. To this day I am not certain whether it is because the family has kept the facts from her ("to spare her feelings") or if it is because it was simply a very painful time that should not be dredged up. But so far I have honored this. I can't promise that the day won't come when we won't talk about it. Heck, maybe she'll be the one to bring it up.

I will say from my perspective that I feel that this is important for me to know from a family medical history standpoint. It's been a while since I've read up on it, but I seem to remember that we can be genetically predisposed towards, say, reacting to stress by displaying depressive symptoms. Maybe I'm not getting that quite right, I don't know. But it is part of the medical history, and it would have been helpful to know about this, particularly during my turbulent teenage years.

Teenagers can be remarkably resilient, and mature. I think sometimes these days they don't get enough credit for their ability to grasp complexity. But for now I think you should trust the judgment of the parents. They are in pain too, and just trying to feel their way through it and do the right thing.

Are there support groups/organizations for the families of suicides in your sister's community? (and in your case, in Calgary?) I think this is one area where professional grief counselors can really help.

[Irulan]

Depressive disorders and mental health issues most definitely run in families, but it's only recently that people started acknowledging it and talking about it.

When my mom, who is treated bi polar, started mapping out the family history... all you need to do is start to listen to the stories. Crazy Aunt Edna the recluse? Great Grandpa tried to kill himself three times? Drank arsenic and survived? Once you know what to listen/look for, it's pretty obvious.

I have special concerns. My mom is bipolar and treated for 30 years now, but that was only after several full blown hollywood style flip outs that turned my and my sister's life upside down when I was a teen.(carried away in a straight jacket etc) When I started getting depressed, I was petrified and did seek treatment almost immediately: I did not want that to happen to me.

It's critical that people talk about it, remove the stigma, and treat mental illness like any other disorder. You don't hide someone's diabetes or arthritis. My kids have know since they were middle school about what runs in the family, what the symptoms are, etc. Education and awareness.

I ripped a lady a new one one time. She was gossiping about a mutual acquainted (not even friend) and how "omg... she's taking antidepressants can you imagine...?" I reamed her out for a) gossiping, and b) let her know that it's no different than taking a blood thinner and she ought to get educated about mental illness. I was pissed.

[Kerry1976]

I agree with sharing in the family. I've lost multiple family members (on both sides) to issues:

My mom's younger brother 25 years ago - suicide
My dad's younger sister 1.5 years ago - overdose of drugs and medication
My grandmother (dad's mother) - about 7 years ago this month- house fire, but started as she was inebriated and fell asleep while smoking and caught herself on fire

My grandfather (mom's father) - has depression (still alive, but we watch him closely)

It is so important to know and share family histories and tendencies. One person's tragedy can be shared to save another's life. I personally feel it is no different than sharing history of cancer, diabetes, blood pressure, etc.

I can't imagine the heartbreak of your loss. I am so sorry.

[shootingstar]

I've had to take each major change in life in short time period ..in measured steps. So when I get around to making use of some counselling services that I have access via employer's benefit plan...

Wow, NWBY, re your mother maybe not knowing. But maybe she might know after all these years....

Of course my cycling friend, didn't find out that her father overdosed until a few yrs. after he died. (By the way, her brother made a film that was aired nationally...about their father's fortune cookie making business...here in Calgary. A dedication to the father..)

I don't necessarily ascribe genetic predispositions. I know for certain the process of immigration and acculturation into another new culture and language that is radically different, with cross-cultural overlay for our family can sometimes cause stress/depression when values clash between generations, and there's familial conflict. I wouldn't necessarily label that whole messy stuff, bipolar at all. Imagine not even having a language/vocabulary to translate to my own mother fully what I am thinking /feeling or any of her children. And vice versa.

As mentioned probably in another thread months ago, I underwent counselling for 1 yr. when I was at university. There were alot of things going in life related to family, need for independence/autonomy.... It was highly beneficial to me. I so wished I could have been there for my sister to encourage her not to give up on counsellling or find a different therapist. (she saw psychiatrist, but gave up later) Participating in therapy takes personal time, effort and risking your heart to explore in ways and solutions a person didn't consider before.

[PamNY]

Shootingstar, I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine the pain.

As far as the children, I think they should be told. In many family situations, children figure out the truth, and the parents/adults are actually protecting themselves when they conceal things. In my life, I was harmed far more by ill-kept secrets than by facing difficult truths. Of course, there are familial and cultural differences which I can't know, and no one knows what is right for another family. But it's something to consider.

I hope your family finds peace and comfort in time.

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

I add my wishes for you as well, I hope you find strength and peace somehow after your sister's passing. It's terribly hard, I know.

[NbyNW]

I ripped a lady a new one one time. She was gossiping about a mutual acquainted (not even friend) and how "omg... she's taking antidepressants can you imagine...?" I reamed her out for a) gossiping, and b) let her know that it's no different than taking a blood thinner and she ought to get educated about mental illness. I was pissed.

Good for you. I, too, hope the stigma of talking about these disorders will go away with time.

It's great that you are able to talk to your kids about this. I wish my parents had been able to talk to me about it. I think a lot of people genuinely struggle with the if/how/when.

[oz rider]

Sorry to hear this shootingstar. I'll think of you over the festive season, which is so difficult for so many, but especially when you've just moved.

[PamNY]

I ripped a lady a new one one time. She was gossiping about a mutual acquainted (not even friend) and how "omg... she's taking antidepressants can you imagine...?" I reamed her out for a) gossiping, and b) let her know that it's no different than taking a blood thinner and she ought to get educated about mental illness. I was pissed.

Good for you. I hope your message got through.

[Crankin]

Irulan, I wish more people would speak up like this!
Yes, yes, and yes, depression and other mental illnesses do have a genetic component and it would be irresponsible to think otherwise. It doesn't mean that you will have the problem, more like if there are certain stressors in your life, you are more apt to have a depressive type reaction. You can inoculate yourself against this with lots of things, but knowledge is the most important. It's no different than knowing that alcoholism runs in your family.
As far as telling teens the reason for someone's death in the case of suicide, they are quite capable of understanding this, as long as they have the support of the adults around them, i.e. the adults are willing to talk openly and freely about why someone would do this. Of course, I am a firm believer in being frank, open, and brutally honest about discussing difficult issues with kids in general. We don't give kids enough credit. Protecting kids from the "difficult" things in life doesn't do them any favors. They need the tools to be able to deal with things as they grow up, and being able to talk about all kinds of things with their parents, or other trusted adults really goes a long way.