loaner to couple: desperately seeking advice

[Veronica]

I'm married, so it's not quite the same, but I feel this way about having children. So many people (I'm 31) are focused on it that sometimes I have an "is something wrong with me?" moment, and I sit back and think... I just want to live MY life before I decide if I want to share it. I know it's not OVER for me if I have kids (like it wasn't when I got married), but I just want to be me for me (or us for us) right now. Selfish? Yes. But that's my prerogative.

Having children is a A LOT of work. I know I don't want to put that much effort into children. I wish more people would realize how much effort it is and that they don't really want to make the commitment, before they actually made the commitment. It would make teaching a lot easier. Maybe then NCLB might actually work.

Veronica

[GLC1968]

My experience is very similiar to Indysteel's. I met my husband when I was 34 and married him at 35. I had already had TWO careers before he came around. I had my own life and I was 100% happy with it. He had also already had two careers and had his own life. And he told me in our first conversation that he had no interest in marriage. Now we are (like Selkie), two loners sharing our lives. We've been married 7 years and while the honeymoon stage is definitely over, it still works beautifully.

I'm of the belief that if you know yourself and believe in yourself, the people you gravitate towards will love you for who you are. No man in my past would ever have made it through my front door if they didn't recognize and respect a strong, independent woman who sometimes needed her own space. When one did make it to that point, it didn't take us long to seal the deal (9 months to engagement, 9 more months to marriage). I guess that comes from 34 years of getting to know oneself. We had a few issues about space when we moved in together (prior to marriage and I'm very glad we did), but we worked through them.

And I also agree that both of us are still growing and learning...daily.

Just as a little background - when I was 10, I started saying that I wouldn't even consider marriage until after I was 28 and had made my first million on my own. I'm still working on that million, though!

Oh, so my belief is that if you talk to this guy about this, he's going to be fine with it. He likes you for who you are, right? And you've never misrepresented yourself, have you? You've been friends for awhile, so I honestly think that you are going to be pleasantly surprised. You have probably found the type of guy who is attracted to an independent person...in fact, he may be relieved to learn once and for all that you are not the clingy type!

[Zen]

Loner and loaner are two very different things, especially in this context.

[GLC1968]

Loner and loaner are two very different things, especially in this context.

Indeed! Corrected my mistake.

[ivorygorgon]

Another loner married to a loner. We have been together for over 22 years. I think about this issue a lot. When we first got together I used to tell DH that I wanted my bed. Then after a few years I used to say I wanted my own room. Now I tell him I want my own house LOL!!!

I am not going to tell you it is easy to be with another person. I certainly don't find it so. I will tell you that it is certainly worth it, and I wouldn't give him up for anything. I will also tell you that I firmly believe that if it hadn't worked out with us, for whatever reason, it wouldn't have been the end all of my existence. I also think I could be extremely happy, overall, living alone.

There is good and bad to living alone, there is good and bad in living with another person. That is just the way life is. Don't overthink things. If it is right, it is right. I think you will know it in your heart.

[TsPoet]

We talked.
He got back a day early. I’ve got to say, any faults that he might have are shared. We discussed the past
Me “um, I’m really a loner”
Him “so am I!”
… and it all went quite well. Then I tried to discuss the future and the conversation was over – we both just sort of avoid things we aren’t sure how to answer, no answer means something like ‘I don’t know’ or ‘maybe’. But, that’s actually a good thing. I think women are future oriented more than men and it’s nice to be the girl in a conversation for once, LOL.
All in all, I’m much happier and calmer now, after reading all of your input.
Thank you all!

[indigoiis]

My DH is a loner. It took him a long time (ten years and a year and a half break) before he could open up to let me be a part of his life. The wait was worth it to me. Although it is hard for me sometimes (I am not a loner, but I am not exactly a social butterfly, either) because he is not typical or conventional in any way, and is very true to himself and quite honest - and sometimes that can get on my nerves. But I let love guide me. Love always wins. I truly believe this! If your heart wants this thing to happen, let it happen, and enjoy it. You can maintain your integrity and sense of independence while still being a part of someone else's life. Especially if you let your heart be your guide!