loaner to couple: desperately seeking advice

[Cataboo]

I guess I'd say - go for it, life is short - but pick your battles and keep your perspective about what's really important. i sometimes think it's easier to become a couple or move in with someone when you're younger and you really don't have a set routine or a set organizational scheme...

I've just listened to a friend rant for 2 days after she flew cross country to spend 5 days with a guy (they're all in love and the rest of that)... She felt very uncomfortable and unwanted in his apartment/space because he had a rule that the toilet seat lid had to be down, chided her everytime she forgot & kept a running percentage of her success rate, was upset she cooked eggs because he hated the smell (so wouldn't leave his bedroom till she'd cooked and eaten them and washed up), and was upset she drank milk. and would only watch certain tv shows after sunset with all the lights off, and other neurotic things. Her mp3 player couldn't be hooked to his stereo so he could listen to her music, because it would ruin the impedance. So - it was pretty obvious that he was completely not used to having anyone in his space... So... I would say, don't be that guy.

[shootingstar]

Jeepers, Catriona I hope your friend breaks off with this guy. It's just so wrong.

I can see the other side where some women are incredibly picky. One good friend who ..is in her early '70's, knows she's a neat freak. And she knows it probably affected her status...as someone who remains single.

Now, dearie is actually neat and organized against slobby me. It's a good thing we don't have young children living with us. It wouldn't be a great situation. So we have our corners of organization and mess. And common areas of relative neatness.

I believe he would be way more freakishly neat...but having had 2 children earlier in his life in his previous marriage, probably tempered this tendency big time plus makes him abit more flexible how he views the world.

We're both first-borns in our respective families...which is why we each have independent tendencies.

[uforgot]

Oh I hear you! I am such a loner. Married, divorced, but I think the marriage lasted as long as it did because we did nothing together, so it was just the kids and me and I was perfectly happy with that. After divorce a long distance relationship for 6 years, and I was content with sporadic contact. I told him that if we were ever lived in the same town I would probably have to have my own place.

I read "Party of One: The Loner's Manifesto" a few years ago, and I feel so much better about it. I highly recommend reading it. The book addresses marriage, friendship, and lots of other things from someone who understands.

http://www.amazon.com/Party-One-Mani...9841812&sr=8-1

[Zen]

I'm sure I couldn't share a house with anyone for more than a few days.
You keep your space, he keeps his.

I don't want to clean someone elses dirt out of my bathtub.

Loners of the world unite!

Wait. That's not right.

[indysteel]

I'll add I am very happy living alone.

Most of the time.

I was, too. I'm also happy now. Thankfully, it wasn't an either/or. Granted, I'm still in the honeymoon phase, but it "domestic" life hasn't been too difficult. There were moment while unpacking (his stuff) that I thought "OMG, what am I doing? I don't want his tacky decor!" I'm sure he's had similar moments. Like today: he cleaned up my elderly cat's massive vomit all over the house when he got home from work.

That's love!

[Irulan]

I started espousing the value of NOT being a couple when I was 12 (or so I’m told), but I really believe that. I honestly believe that coupling up is something that we are sold and it isn’t necessary or even a benefit. I don’t want to be taken care of and I don’t want to take care of anyone else.

I re-read this just to go back to the beginning, and what really struck me is that you say you've had this belief since you were almost before a teen, and also you say that the thought having someone around all the time makes you nauseous

Maybe it's a scary thought, but you might go back to what happened in your life to plant this idea in you, and why you've clung to it so mightily. Not that there's anything wrong with choosing singlehood, but it sounds like maybe you are starting to question this long held belief, and that just maybe you don't want to screw up what could be a good thing because you've closed yourself off to that possibility. Haha, as usual I am going to suggest some personal counseling, taking a look at this core value, where it came from and if it is still valid for where you are now in your life.

[Zen]

Maybe it's a scary thought, but you might go back to what happened in your life to plant this idea in you, and why you've clung to it so mightily.

Some of us are just that way.

Like today: he cleaned up my elderly cat's massive vomit all over the house when he got home from work.

That's love!

Ahhh, the honeymooon phase.
My xh used to do nice things for me, too

[indysteel]

Ditto

Lordy. Maybe I should end my marriage now ...before my DH stops doing nice things for me, too.

[Jane Honda]

After I had been divorced for just a few years (and two very horrible relationships named Mike) I was happy being alone. I am a loner at heart. I LOVE LOVE LOVE my alone time, whether its biking, riding my motorcycle, or my horse, driving... etc. You get the idea.

When Eric and I found each other, we moved in after 6 months. (I hedged for three of those months after he asked me too.) He allows my alone time, I allow his. He is a person I actually WANT to be around. He's the right man for me.

You have found someone you enjoy. Go with it! Just communicate and be sure that he understands you need your 'loner time', and that it has nothing to do with him. It's healthy.



Oops, I just saw your response that you guys had a 'scussion.

[arielmoon]

I guess I'd say - go for it, life is short - but pick your battles and keep your perspective about what's really important. i sometimes think it's easier to become a couple or move in with someone when you're younger and you really don't have a set routine or a set organizational scheme...

I've just listened to a friend rant for 2 days after she flew cross country to spend 5 days with a guy (they're all in love and the rest of that)... She felt very uncomfortable and unwanted in his apartment/space because he had a rule that the toilet seat lid had to be down, chided her everytime she forgot & kept a running percentage of her success rate, was upset she cooked eggs because he hated the smell (so wouldn't leave his bedroom till she'd cooked and eaten them and washed up), and was upset she drank milk. and would only watch certain tv shows after sunset with all the lights off, and other neurotic things. Her mp3 player couldn't be hooked to his stereo so he could listen to her music, because it would ruin the impedance. So - it was pretty obvious that he was completely not used to having anyone in his space... So... I would say, don't be that guy.

OMG, I think I am that guy!!

And I am a loner. I think if I met the right guy I would feel differently but now I am happy this way.

[OakLeaf]

I'd just add that "loner with loner" creates a big opportunity to become overly dependent on each other.

I've just skimmed through this thread and don't remember who it was whose DH felt that her life was interfering with their together time ... DH and I struggle with this, and we're both retired! IME it's got nothing to do with how much time you actually have or spend with each other, and everything to do with how much you rely on each other for human contact and intellectual stimulation.

For all we go over and over it, I don't seem to be able to explain that normal people have jobs, normal couples have one job each, and my 2-3 hours a week job and 12-20 hours a week training are NOT what's keeping DH from doing what he wants to do.

[shootingstar]

I'd just add that "loner with loner" creates a big opportunity to become overly dependent on each other.

I've just skimmed through this thread and don't remember who it was whose DH felt that her life was interfering with their together time ... DH and I struggle with this, and we're both retired! IME it's got nothing to do with how much time you actually have or spend with each other, and everything to do with how much you rely on each other for human contact and intellectual stimulation.

This is something, that if it's the right chemistry between 2 loners, they still carry on some of their "loner' activities by themselves or with other friends, along with shared interests as a couple.

I am always intrigued to hear of some people who are "lost" when they can't stand their partner taking a business or bike trip for a few days/weeks. And these are couples who don't have children at home anymore (or never had any). And I know it's not really a trust issue. It's because the person is more social, feels alone.

[TsPoet]

I'm very glad I posted this initial plee, just because of all of the answers and perspectives. I'm not the oddball I thought I was.
I hated, then loved this video. In the end, I just loved it.
"how to be alone" by Tanya Davis
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs

[Crankin]

Shootingstar, I am one of those people who doesn't like it at all when DH goes away. And you are right, it's because I am very social and we spend tons of time together, which fulfills social needs. When he goes away, I make lots of social plans and the time goes quickly. Otherwise, I don't like the emptiness and quiet of the house. I like my "home" or quiet time, because I have and had a career where I am dealing with difficult people. I feel like my home is my oasis, and pretty much why I don't want to move to the city (besides the cycling!). I like the quiet atmosphere, but I don't like being alone. When I was single I was always out with people, even though I lived alone for 3 years.
My DH traveled so much during fifteen years of our thirty year marriage; now I wouldn't like that at all. But, I was working and had growing kids during that time.
I'm the one who is always making plans, whether to ride, go out to dinner, travel, etc. DH likes to putter around the house, as he is very mechanical. But, he is pretty social, too. It's not that I don't go places alone, but, I get lonely very easily. I wonder if it's because I was an only child for 11 years; the way I dealt with that was by having tons of friends and having sleepovers/going out with friends every Friday & Saturday when I was a kid.

[evangundy]

Hi TS - the best words of advice I have is to keep the lines of communication open, be totally honest, but don't try to push for or against changes in the relationship too fast. You have been friends for quite awhile, so you really do know each other well. You are both used to being on your own, so don't rush changes. There's nothing that says you "have to" move on to the next step of becoming a couple, unless it's what you both want.

I personally know quite a few couples who have been together for years, but live in separate homes. They see each other exclusively, overnight at each other's places, vacation together, attend family gatherings as a couple, but by living in their own places, they still have that alone time and keep their own space to themselves. It can work that way for you, if that is what you both want.

Part of making a relationship work, is compromise, but it has to be by both people. Take small steps, see how it feels, then decide whether to back up, stay there for awhile, or take the next small step....... wash - rinse - repeat :-)

Edna (ps: knowing you both, I'm thinking it's gonna work out just fine)