loaner to couple: desperately seeking advice

[Veronica]

When I first read this I thought you were trying to loan yourself to a couple - which just seemed weird.

I've been with my husband since 1983 - certainly not a loner. However, if you find someone who makes you happy and brings joy to your life, I think you should enjoy it. For however long it lasts.

Why does something have to change now? Can't you continue as more than casual friends? Have you said anything to him about how you feel? If he knows you at all, he's going to know about your previous loner status. Talking about how you're excited and happy but also nervous and concerned about the future might help.

My husband is my best friend. He hears all my weirded out thoughts. Poor guy...

Veronica

[ny biker]

Um, talk to him about it? As in, I'm so used to being on my own that I'm nervous about being part of a couple and I don't want to mess it up.

Oops I just saw that Veronica said this much better than I did. So -- what she said!

[indysteel]

I was an independent 38-year old when I met my now husband. We dated from about an hour's distance for about 15 months before buying a home together last September. We married in February. It was A LOT of change in a short period od time.

The adjustment wasn't nearly as hard as I thought it might be, largely because he understands and respects my independence. He's neither clingy nor needy. We spend a lot of time together, but there's space and time for us to pursue our own interests. He also respects that I have my own opinions, ways of doing things, points of view, etc. He's never implicitly or explicitly suggested that I become something other than what I am. I love him for a lot of reasons, but this is one of the biggies.

I honestly don't feel like I've lost who I was before. I sometimes have to make an effort to stay in touch with "her," but I had to do that at times when I was single, too. Single or married, I will always a work in progress--work that I thrill in doing. I luckily married someone who supports my efforts.

I'm also more than I was before. Not because I'm part of a couple per se, but because I gave myself some room to surprise myself and grow. Loving someone and letting someone love you is a beautiful thing.

So, if you want to pursue this relationship, give it a shot. Be honest with him, and trust that you can do this on your terms. If he's right for you, he'll get that. If he's not right for you, you might still learn something about yourself along the way.

I will say this, too. If you're not ready for this, that's just fine, too. Best wishes with whatever you decide.

[Irulan]

Nicely put, Indysteel. I think one has to make allowances to grow and change, and not get locked into an idea that we had at one point that we thought was going to define us for the rest of our life.

[Cataboo]

I guess I'd say - go for it, life is short - but pick your battles and keep your perspective about what's really important. i sometimes think it's easier to become a couple or move in with someone when you're younger and you really don't have a set routine or a set organizational scheme...

I've just listened to a friend rant for 2 days after she flew cross country to spend 5 days with a guy (they're all in love and the rest of that)... She felt very uncomfortable and unwanted in his apartment/space because he had a rule that the toilet seat lid had to be down, chided her everytime she forgot & kept a running percentage of her success rate, was upset she cooked eggs because he hated the smell (so wouldn't leave his bedroom till she'd cooked and eaten them and washed up), and was upset she drank milk. and would only watch certain tv shows after sunset with all the lights off, and other neurotic things. Her mp3 player couldn't be hooked to his stereo so he could listen to her music, because it would ruin the impedance. So - it was pretty obvious that he was completely not used to having anyone in his space... So... I would say, don't be that guy.

[shootingstar]

Jeepers, Catriona I hope your friend breaks off with this guy. It's just so wrong.

I can see the other side where some women are incredibly picky. One good friend who ..is in her early '70's, knows she's a neat freak. And she knows it probably affected her status...as someone who remains single.

Now, dearie is actually neat and organized against slobby me. It's a good thing we don't have young children living with us. It wouldn't be a great situation. So we have our corners of organization and mess. And common areas of relative neatness.

I believe he would be way more freakishly neat...but having had 2 children earlier in his life in his previous marriage, probably tempered this tendency big time plus makes him abit more flexible how he views the world.

We're both first-borns in our respective families...which is why we each have independent tendencies.

[uforgot]

Oh I hear you! I am such a loner. Married, divorced, but I think the marriage lasted as long as it did because we did nothing together, so it was just the kids and me and I was perfectly happy with that. After divorce a long distance relationship for 6 years, and I was content with sporadic contact. I told him that if we were ever lived in the same town I would probably have to have my own place.

I read "Party of One: The Loner's Manifesto" a few years ago, and I feel so much better about it. I highly recommend reading it. The book addresses marriage, friendship, and lots of other things from someone who understands.

http://www.amazon.com/Party-One-Mani...9841812&sr=8-1

[arielmoon]

I guess I'd say - go for it, life is short - but pick your battles and keep your perspective about what's really important. i sometimes think it's easier to become a couple or move in with someone when you're younger and you really don't have a set routine or a set organizational scheme...

I've just listened to a friend rant for 2 days after she flew cross country to spend 5 days with a guy (they're all in love and the rest of that)... She felt very uncomfortable and unwanted in his apartment/space because he had a rule that the toilet seat lid had to be down, chided her everytime she forgot & kept a running percentage of her success rate, was upset she cooked eggs because he hated the smell (so wouldn't leave his bedroom till she'd cooked and eaten them and washed up), and was upset she drank milk. and would only watch certain tv shows after sunset with all the lights off, and other neurotic things. Her mp3 player couldn't be hooked to his stereo so he could listen to her music, because it would ruin the impedance. So - it was pretty obvious that he was completely not used to having anyone in his space... So... I would say, don't be that guy.

OMG, I think I am that guy!!

And I am a loner. I think if I met the right guy I would feel differently but now I am happy this way.

[OakLeaf]

I'd just add that "loner with loner" creates a big opportunity to become overly dependent on each other.

I've just skimmed through this thread and don't remember who it was whose DH felt that her life was interfering with their together time ... DH and I struggle with this, and we're both retired! IME it's got nothing to do with how much time you actually have or spend with each other, and everything to do with how much you rely on each other for human contact and intellectual stimulation.

For all we go over and over it, I don't seem to be able to explain that normal people have jobs, normal couples have one job each, and my 2-3 hours a week job and 12-20 hours a week training are NOT what's keeping DH from doing what he wants to do.

[indysteel]

For whatever reason, I want to clarify that I wasn't a "loner" before I got married. I was single, which is different. I had (and still do) any number of deeply gratifying friendships and a strong social circle. My biggest challenge as a newlywed has been finding enough time to nurture my marriage, as well as those friendships. Both are vitally important to me.

Thankfully, I do have DH's support in maintaining those friendships, but I find myself pressed for time and energy. Over the last couple of months, I've tried to make a greater effort to invest more energy into my friendships. Admittedly though, it's never going to be easy, especially given that I live about 25 miles south of most of my friends now. But having my husband in my life--as wonderful he is--simply does not answer all of my emotional or intellectual needs. I didn't want or expect it to.

[TsPoet]

When I first read this I thought you were trying to loan yourself to a couple - which just seemed weird.

Veronica

Considering my level of education... my spelling is terrible. Gave myself a good laugh anyway.

Thanks - logic is to talk to him, I'm a coward. When he gets back from RAO (Race across Oregon, he's crewing) this weekend, I'll do that. He's still here now, but I'll procrastinate until he's back.

[Veronica]

Gave myself a good laugh anyway.

Good!

Veronica

[shootingstar]

Let us know later.
And make you sure you do want you really want. ('Course it's nice if you knew what he wants long-term.)

Trust in the goodness of each other..whatever the end result if each of your intentions are genuine and you always communicate with one another.

I consider myself more on the loner, independent side..just a couple of close friends makes me happy and loving family also, ..plus him. He is similar to me,...both of us friendly hermits that like to socialize with good people. We joke happily with one another about being the slightly hermity couple.

If this makes any sense. I didn't meet dearie until I was 31.

[badger]

if the nature of the relationship changed recently, what is the rush?

You can spend time as you have before, keep dating, and when you feel you've reached another level, then you should think about living with someone. Or do you mean living with someone IN your life?

My advice is to just take it slow and don't do anything rash.