Amateur Bike Racer w/non biking spouse

[Biciclista]

I'm not sure if you gave up cycling that he would be satisfied. And how would you feel?

Although like others mentioned, there are two sides of the story, I cannot IMAGINE poo pooing that which makes my DH as excited as he gets about his crazy riding. He thinks 200k every saturday would be heaven. I think it's obsession. He wants to retire and take 6 months and ride across the USA. I say more power to him...
He loves the idea (of riding across the USA) and he's happy about it so I will support him.
Once or twice a year he does this 24 hour bike ride. I really hate this, it scares me to death. But I support it, because it's what he loves.

What kind of person would make their partner give up that which they love?

[Zen]

What kind of person would make their partner give up that which they love?

In a nutshell.

[redrhodie]

I was just looking at this book in a bookstore:

http://www.bikeforlifebook.com/homepage.asp

There's a chapter that I think was titled "rolling relationships" which gives advice about your exact problem, which they refer to as "CWS" or cycling widow(er) syndrome. It's evidently a common problem for racers. I didn't read much, but it looked well informed and I almost bought it (but there was a line ).

I also want to say good luck to you. This cannot be easy. I can see both sides, and you will have to work out a compromise. Each of you will have to give a little if you want your marriage to move forward.

[Crankin]

Well, truthfully, to answer Mimi's question, the kind of person who would want their partner to give up something that is so defining for them is a person who is lonely. A person who maybe isn't good at that particular activity, and it makes them feel badly, diminished. When you are so involved in something like racing (but it could be anything) it is all about you. I have known enough racers to know that it takes a certain kind of focus on yourself, which some people construe as selfish.
I know that I am very lucky, that DH and I share a passion, but sometimes, even we think we are a little nuts. That's when we say we want to have a day like "normal people" and we sit on the deck and drink wine. But, I am with my DH all of the time. It didn't used to be this way so much, when we had some separate interests. I rarely, I mean very rarely, go out with girlfriends, although I do ride with a few other people and ride with a group. Because we are together so much, I really would not like it, if all of a sudden he was off doing stuff without me. I would not want to be waiting for him to come home from an all day ride every Saturday or Sunday!
I am just playing devil's advocate. I should add that my DH traveled 4-5 days a week for at least 15 years out of our 30 year marriage. Maybe we are making up for lost time...

[Irulan]

Well, truthfully, to answer Mimi's question, the kind of person who would want their partner to give up something that is so defining for them is a person who is lonely. A person who maybe isn't good at that particular activity, and it makes them feel badly, diminished. When you are so involved in something like racing (but it could be anything) it is all about you. I have known enough racers to know that it takes a certain kind of focus on yourself, which some people construe as selfish.

well, if one is going to venture into dimestore analysis, sure "lonely" could be the reason but there's also control issues, insecurity, fear of abandonment, fear of change, fear of the unkown....

[Crankin]

It's true, change is hard for many, many people. I see it in my internship clients who come for therapy. I've seen a lot of change in my life and I am not sure how well I deal with it. I tend to "plow through" stuff, determined to deal with whatever comes my way, but in the end, I often end up with stress related physical complaints because of this. I don't like to spend time worrying about my choices!
But, I don't necessarily see it as control or fear of abandonment when someone wants to be with his/her SO and not be sitting alone at home waiting for him or her to return. I know some would suggest that the person sitting at home develop their own interests, but if this is not what you signed up for, yes, the rules have changed. This is why some people get divorced...
I guess i am lucky my DH feels the same way as me. Most of our closest friends are like us...