Amateur Bike Racer w/non biking spouse

[BalaRoja]

That's why you find a good professional to help you guys sort these things out. A good marriage counselor help you ( plural you) to look beyond the obvious. Good luck.

Now, finding a really good marriage counselor, that is a whole different thread...

Oh I think you are right. I mean when I was in my early 20's, I went through lots of therapists/counselors, but I had to try several before it was a good fit. It isn't as easy as people think, you need someone who you feel comfortable with but who also is familiar and understands the dynamic of your situation. Like you say, finding the right one is a whole other thread.

Does he know this? Perhaps he would be willing to sacrifice some time with you for a while if he knew that this was a relatively short-term goal...

Ironically yes, I have mentioned clearly that it is a short term, 2-3 year, goal. We talked a few days ago and the SO said being with me feels like living with super athlete/woman and that it can feel like a black hole where nothing but bike racing matters. 2-3 years of which is intolerable.

So the other side of the coin as I see it: is any short term goal whose end you can clearly see, worth risking/losing your relationship? Maybe in 2-3 years I won't be anywhere near done with bike racing and it will become a way of life almost...for some people it seems to go that way. Or maybe it won't and I'll have gotten all the racing and competitive need out of my system...but there's a big part of me that thinks I would regret losing my spouse just to pursue this goal, no matter how much short term satisfaction I'm getting out of that pursuit...I mean in 5 years what will matter most, having a loving SO or having had a brief bike racing pursuit...

Ironically, yours is a story that I hear mostly from male rider/racer friends about their wives.

I consider myself VERY lucky that my DH and I share the same passion and goals. We train and race together (although he sometimes pushes a little hard, and I might push back - just a little). We are, however, an anomoly, I realize, so I'm afraid I can't offer much advice to you there.

What I do want to comment on, however, is your assertion that as a thirty-something you are at the "tail end" of racing competitively. I started my racing career on the road in my LATE thirties, and moved fairly rapidly up to a Cat 2 level, where I am currently racing - AT 42! And yes, I am still competitive... I also race with other wome in their 40s and even some in their 50s and 60s who are out every weekend at the races.

So, while you may think now that this is something that you will do for 2 or 3 years and then "give up", I caution you about that. Every year, I think "this is the last year - I'm not racing next year" and then, I end up racing again. It has become ingrained in me, and is part of who I am.

Good luck to you. I do hope that you and your SO can come to terms with your relationship as it relates to your riding/racing. Having the support of one another is really important.

SheFly

Hello SheFly, so glad to get your comments here too. You speak from experience I can tell and I need to hear that kind of perspective. I remember you gave me some sage advice when I first came on here, totally green to the sport, asking about all sorts of racing questions.

Being that I started riding last year and racing this year, I'd figured well, I was kind of late to the "racing game", so to speak. Obviously from your comments, that's far from the case.

But the more important thing is what you are saying about the whole 2-3 years and giving it up angle. Right now, after a long season, countless hours of training, dieting, etc...it is easy to feel like bike racing isn't going to be on the agenda for more than a few years. My friends and acquaintences that I race/ride with have mostly concurred about feeling tired and a little burnt out now so maybe it isn't uncommon. Going without racing for a while though, more than just an offseason, I wonder how or if I'd change my mind.

I don't want to resent my SO for this but I also don't want to risk my relationship for it either. I'm conflicted between feeling like I should pursue this and feeling guilty for pretty much sweeping the rug from under my SO's feet and something that wasn't part of the original package or deal when we started dating years ago.