Amateur Bike Racer w/non biking spouse

[SheFly]

Ironically, yours is a story that I hear mostly from male rider/racer friends about their wives.

I consider myself VERY lucky that my DH and I share the same passion and goals. We train and race together (although he sometimes pushes a little hard, and I might push back - just a little). We are, however, an anomoly, I realize, so I'm afraid I can't offer much advice to you there.

What I do want to comment on, however, is your assertion that as a thirty-something you are at the "tail end" of racing competitively. I started my racing career on the road in my LATE thirties, and moved fairly rapidly up to a Cat 2 level, where I am currently racing - AT 42! And yes, I am still competitive... I also race with other wome in their 40s and even some in their 50s and 60s who are out every weekend at the races.

So, while you may think now that this is something that you will do for 2 or 3 years and then "give up", I caution you about that. Every year, I think "this is the last year - I'm not racing next year" and then, I end up racing again. It has become ingrained in me, and is part of who I am.

Good luck to you. I do hope that you and your SO can come to terms with your relationship as it relates to your riding/racing. Having the support of one another is really important.

SheFly

[Crankin]

You've received some good advice. This is a hard decision to make. I would listen to SheFly. I am not a racer, but I have been around racing "people" for about ten years. Mostly, I see guys who are out there training, putting in the time, and their s.o.'s are very resentful. But, I even see this in people like me, who ride for fitness/fun/lifestyle choice, particularly, in the group I ride with. There are some very strong older men in this group, who have been riding for years; they are 50-75 years old. They ride incredible distances, do charity rides, and some don't have cars. I know some of them are married, and I have never seen their wives. On the other hand, there are also several very strong women (similar stories to the men) in this group. They are mostly single. Some are divorced, some never married. I wonder what effect cycling had on their status. Or maybe they are just single by choice and cycling has nothing to do with it. There are also quite a few couples like my DH and I; riding is the biggest part of our lives. Our vacations, weekends, etc. are planned around riding or some other outdoor activity. We do have a few friends that don't share this passion, but they sort of accept us for who we are.
For years, my DH sat on the couch, while I taught at the gym and was fanatic about my fitness. He play a little racquetball and tennis. No matter what I did, he complained about outdoor stuff. Then, he started riding when my son started racing as a young teen. I suddenly know how he had felt. We planned our separate activities at times that didn't interfere with family stuff, but eventually, I came around. It was a real role reversal and I hated being less strong than him. Now I accept it, although we are fine riding together.
Good luck.

[Desert Tortoise]

Say you do stop racing in a few years. What if you find a new passion, what then? What if you become an artist and he doesn't like the way you run around in paint splattered clothes for example.

Is it about the bike riding or about supporting you in something you believe in so much? Also, are you making an honest attempt at balance in your life? When with him is your conversation mostly about biking, training, etc.?

I don't know and don't mean to imply anything wrong. You noted this is your side only and there are always two sides to every story. And he is not here to give his side.

Notice the couples who get along well either share the same passion or support each other's passions. In other words, they may not share the same passion but share in the passion.

I've seen this in various situations. In military families some husbands live and breathe military life and do not respect the wives' roles, from stay-at-home moms to doctors. And the reverse has happened too.

But people who have more rounded and balanced lives tend to weather better. That said, there are seasons when the focus has to sharpen somewhat but, it is a season. Keeping perspective of what the agreed big picture really helps.

I agree with the others, counseling is a really good idea.

Best of luck to you.

[Biciclista]

I'm not sure if you gave up cycling that he would be satisfied. And how would you feel?

Although like others mentioned, there are two sides of the story, I cannot IMAGINE poo pooing that which makes my DH as excited as he gets about his crazy riding. He thinks 200k every saturday would be heaven. I think it's obsession. He wants to retire and take 6 months and ride across the USA. I say more power to him...
He loves the idea (of riding across the USA) and he's happy about it so I will support him.
Once or twice a year he does this 24 hour bike ride. I really hate this, it scares me to death. But I support it, because it's what he loves.

What kind of person would make their partner give up that which they love?

[Zen]

What kind of person would make their partner give up that which they love?

In a nutshell.

[redrhodie]

I was just looking at this book in a bookstore:

http://www.bikeforlifebook.com/homepage.asp

There's a chapter that I think was titled "rolling relationships" which gives advice about your exact problem, which they refer to as "CWS" or cycling widow(er) syndrome. It's evidently a common problem for racers. I didn't read much, but it looked well informed and I almost bought it (but there was a line ).

I also want to say good luck to you. This cannot be easy. I can see both sides, and you will have to work out a compromise. Each of you will have to give a little if you want your marriage to move forward.

[Crankin]

Well, truthfully, to answer Mimi's question, the kind of person who would want their partner to give up something that is so defining for them is a person who is lonely. A person who maybe isn't good at that particular activity, and it makes them feel badly, diminished. When you are so involved in something like racing (but it could be anything) it is all about you. I have known enough racers to know that it takes a certain kind of focus on yourself, which some people construe as selfish.
I know that I am very lucky, that DH and I share a passion, but sometimes, even we think we are a little nuts. That's when we say we want to have a day like "normal people" and we sit on the deck and drink wine. But, I am with my DH all of the time. It didn't used to be this way so much, when we had some separate interests. I rarely, I mean very rarely, go out with girlfriends, although I do ride with a few other people and ride with a group. Because we are together so much, I really would not like it, if all of a sudden he was off doing stuff without me. I would not want to be waiting for him to come home from an all day ride every Saturday or Sunday!
I am just playing devil's advocate. I should add that my DH traveled 4-5 days a week for at least 15 years out of our 30 year marriage. Maybe we are making up for lost time...

[Kubla]

Your story struck a familiar chord and could have been written by me 20+ years ago. However, I agree with those who suggest counseling before giving up completely.

It can be very difficult when one's SO or spouse doesn't understand one's passions-and even worse when they are not supportive of them. My ex was a couch potato whose idea of a good time was sitting in front of the TV for hours with a box of Cheez-Its. He wanted me to spend my time the same way, so he felt threatened by my hobbies and activities. Whenever I lost weight and people complimented me, he said that I was "too thin."

Always jealous of my dogs and horse, he was also resentful of my horseback riding, bowling, needlework and reading. I can't count the number of times he sabotaged my plans-even though he knew in advance where I was going. As soon as he saw me heading out the door, he would find some way to hold things up. If I was entered in a dog show (only a few times during the warmer months) he'd stay in bed while I struggled to get all the equipment in the car, then would miraculously appear when it was all packed and ask if I needed help. Needless to say, he never showed up to watch us compete.

Over 15 years it was a battle to find the balance that would let me be even a fraction of the person I wanted to be-while attempting to keep his extreme neediness at a manageable level. I finally gave up when I realized I'd lost so much of "me" that there wasn't any more to give to someone else.

I hope you are able to work things out-but not at the expense of your identity.

[shootingstar]

For your hubby's sake, hope he finds a hobby/passion that is equal to your cycling passion.

What's going on with him, etc. really has nothing to do with your cycling or any other passion hobby /interest that you take up.

Wish you good counselling together if both of you are willing.

Am not sure but presumably you have 1-2 good cycling friends to talk about cycling with them often. It would be tiring to someone else who is not into cycling to hear about cycling often.


I share a cycling life with my partner. Neither of us compete but we're just long-time cyclists and his passion is greater in the sense that he is a cycling advocate working with municipalities for past ..well almost 2 decades.

I am not concerned for the future if we each lose our cycling passion/can no longer do it since we each already have 1-2 other non-cycling passions that we pursue also. It's just lying abit dormant at times, when cycling overtakes each of us.

Wishing you both lots of useful, thoughtful communication with one another at this time.

[Crankin]

Shootingstar, I like the way you stated this. Maybe more nicely than I did! My DH and I are pretty much like you and your partner, although our level of involvement is pretty much even... although DH commutes to work and I am in school and can't commute right now. I will go back to that when I get a job (one of my main requirements for employment is that it's easily accessible by bike).
Sometimes I think we are the only couple who is happy being together almost all of the time. Interestingly, both of my kids are the same way with their SOs. Despite having some different interests (including cycling), they still make the relationship a priority.
I remember, about 15 years ago, my mom told me a few months before she died, that DH and I should find a common interest to do together, as our kids were getting to the age where they were starting to go off on their own a lot more. Little did she know...