Cycling goals ruining friendship

[PamNY]

You know, whether it's about cycling or basketweaving, this whole "having a vendetta" thing against friends sucks. You shouldn't have to tiptoe around friends. You shouldn't have to worry that they will be jealous if you ride alone sometimes. That's kind of ridiculous.

This is exactly what I think. Just stand firm for what you want/need. I've gotten less tolerant of demanding friends as I get older.

[Tuckervill]

When I was training for a race this winter, I would just let people know MY ride plans - "I'm riding at 10am from X location, pace will be xx mph, and I'm going for 80 miles. Let me know if you can make it." That way, I get in exactly what I need, and if anyone wants to show up, they can.

And then when they get there and they start out doing it your way but then stop every two miles to make an adjustment or get a drink or whatever, you have to be willing to say, "I'll wait for you at the turnaround point." Or, "I'll catch you on the back side".

Else you'll be just like limewave, having your ride co-opted by someone else.

Karen

[ny biker]

And then when they get there and they start out doing it your way but then stop every two miles to make an adjustment or get a drink or whatever, you have to be willing to say, "I'll wait for you at the turnaround point." Or, "I'll catch you on the back side".

Right, that's why I said that if the friend comes along you need to stick to your plan if she wants to stop to rest or gets upset about your going faster than her. Be firm but friendly.

[tc1]

Alright, this is gonna sound harsh but here goes.

You are being way too girly about this. You don't enjoy the group rides because of the drama, and because you " want to go as hard as I can and not worry about someone's feelings being hurt."

The group rides aren't working for you. So stop going on them, and go out for beer with your friend instead. Women are never going to get where we should be in society and sports and everything else if we keep apologizing and worrying about somebody's feelings being hurt because we are good at something.

You don't have to be a jerk about it. Don't say "you're a slug and a drama queen and immature", even if it is somewhat true. We all fall short of perfection in many areas.

Above all, stop the analyzing and justifying. That's another girly tactic we use when we want to do something that we really enjoy. It gives you a thrill to ride fast and train hard, so do it and don't apologize.

[channlluv]

I'm with tc1 on this one. Stand up for your ride, sister.

This woman may hang out with you, but she doesn't sound like a very good friend if she's willing to hold you back like that. 1.5 miles and then a break? Seriously? How is that training for anything? What is she going to do when those new people she recruited get better and want more of a workout?

I also agree with Tangentgirl about the vendetta thing. That's nothing to hold a friendship together.

A true friend would push you to be the best you can be, even if that means you're faster than she is.

Roxy

[crazycanuck]

*phew*..Good thing i'm not the only one who thought the same thing as TC1.

Limewave, you're training for MTB events ya? Why not just go out to the trails when you have *you* time..Forget about the other chick and go beat some trails up!

[rocknrollgirl]

Hey Limewave,

I race mt bikes too. In our mt biking community we always separate training rides and social no drop rides. During my training seasons, I do not do any "social rides". I am social with my training partners, but I do not have time to do both types of riding in season. All the stopping makes me crazy when I am training.

I have had to have this conversation with friends, ( and relatives). If she is really a friend, just tell her the truth.

One way we have gotten around the situation is to go ride for an hour before the slower riders show up and then do some easy miles with them as a cooldown.

I wish we lived closer, you would love my gang that I train with!!!

[indysteel]

Alright, this is gonna sound harsh but here goes.

You are being way too girly about this. You don't enjoy the group rides because of the drama, and because you " want to go as hard as I can and not worry about someone's feelings being hurt."

The group rides aren't working for you. So stop going on them, and go out for beer with your friend instead. Women are never going to get where we should be in society and sports and everything else if we keep apologizing and worrying about somebody's feelings being hurt because we are good at something.

You don't have to be a jerk about it. Don't say "you're a slug and a drama queen and immature", even if it is somewhat true. We all fall short of perfection in many areas.

Above all, stop the analyzing and justifying. That's another girly tactic we use when we want to do something that we really enjoy. It gives you a thrill to ride fast and train hard, so do it and don't apologize.

Amen to this.

I do think women are socialized to care about everybody else's well being over and above our own. While I think there's a place for selflessness and nurturing, I generally subscribe to the airplane model of self-preservation. Put your own oxygen mask on first before helping anyone else. I'm much better at meeting other people's needs if I generally meet my own first.

As for Sarah, Limewave, I think there's a tactful way to make sure you get your training rides in at times that work for you. How she reacts to that is not your problem. Given what you've shared about her, I'm not even sure she's really a friend worth having. In the very least, don't be bullied by her.
Respectfully stand your ground.

[limewave]

You'all are affirming what I've been feeling. I just don't want to be a bi***. Thanks for the support! Riding is my "Happy Place" and it hasn't felt that way lately. It's been stressful and frustrating.

I'll just have to assert myself. I was going to come up with a regimented training schedule this weekend. That will be my alibi if she confronts me on my "solo" riding

[ginny]

I tend to agree with lph, but I too am such a loner that no one thinks anything of me saying, nope, not today. I think that we, as women, maybe worry a lot more about being sensitive than men do. I don't think this is a bad thing. I too wouldn't want my schedule interrupted that much during the day - I think that's an appropriate excuse. Sarah (?) is that her name? was a good buddy when you needed one. Remember that and be sensitive to her feelings, but you have goals and that's okay. Sometimes just saying you can't make their rides is good enough. You don't have to explain that you are going on your own ride at a different time/location that day... but maybe that's just the loner in me talking...

[zoom-zoom]

I'll just have to assert myself. I was going to come up with a regimented training schedule this weekend. That will be my alibi if she confronts me on my "solo" riding

I think the training plan is a VERY good idea! I have a close friend who I run with when it fits into my schedule. She knows this and is cool with it. She doesn't train with any specific plan, so she will often arrange it so that she can do a particular run with me when I am doing the run. She is a little bit slower than I am, so I always assume that those runs will be easier runs for me, which is good. She treats these runs as harder effort runs.

[ny biker]

That will be my alibi if she confronts me on my "solo" riding

You don't need an alibi. You are not responsible for her emotional problems.

This all started because you have goals for weight loss, fitness and racing. You don't have to apologize to anyone for working to meet those goals.

[indysteel]

That will be my alibi if she confronts me on my "solo" riding

I know you're probably being a bit facetious in saying that, but I think it bears repeating--at least to yourself--that you're not doing anything wrong--such that you need an alibi--in choosing to ride by yourself. I agree that there are ways to be sensitive to Sarah's feelings. IMO, however, the best way to deal with difficult people (be they selfish, manipulative, or hyper-sensitive) is to feel secure in your own fundamental right to take care of yourself and to act accordingly. Don't allow yourself to be guilted into thinking otherwise.

[PamNY]

While I think there's a place for selflessness and nurturing, I generally subscribe to the airplane model of self-preservation. Put your own oxygen mask on first before helping anyone else.

What a wonderful analogy. I look forward to having a chance to use this in conversation.

[Cataboo]

I don't think you need to worry about Sarah at all - she's coordinating group rides, so if you drop out - she's still got people to bike with.

Not that you need an alibi, but it should be perfectly reasonable to tell her, you've got a job, children, and a husband - when you have time to ride it's precious and you need to make the most of it right now.

I'm not sure why it's actually a problem - if I bike with someone that's faster than me, I feel absolutely terrible for slowing them down and do my best to keep up. I will stop and take a break if I know imminent bonking is about to happen or I feel like I'm going to over heat - but if I"m taking a break, I tell them to ride up ahead without me. It pushes me a bit as a cyclist - and then I make sure to give them about 20 chances to drop out if they offer to ride with me again.

I have a hard time riding with someone a slower than me - it's okay if you're just tooling around town and talking... but I can't get a workout out of it and it seems to hurt my "training/performance" over all if I do it too often.