How do you get your DH/SO interested in riding with you?

[Tri Girl]

I agree with Tulip. I think you need to sit down and talk about where his anger is coming from. I understand that the ride started off on an unpleasant note, but it seems like his anger was about more than the jerky people in the parking lot (especially the "there's your boyfriend" comment- that's his ego talking).
Maybe it's jealousy that you're doing something athletic and he can't keep up, maybe he's worried you'll love to ride so much you'll get a new set of friends and he'll feel left out.
Definitely talk to him about it.

When I started riding, I rode a lot. My DH eventually got tired of me doing things without him and he bought a bike, too, so we could do it together. Now he's so fast I can't keep up with him, and even though we rarely ever ride "together," we start out at the same time and he comes back to check on me. It's something we both love and he doesn't feel left out anymore.

[sarahspins]

Maybe it's jealousy that you're doing something athletic and he can't keep up, maybe he's worried you'll love to ride so much you'll get a new set of friends and he'll feel left out.

I do think a lot of this probably does come from insecurity. It's hard to get him to talk about it without it becoming a huge blown up fight. It is SO frustrating. I wanted to ride so I can feel better and be healthier.. I was quite frankly sick of being a lazy slob and doing nothing about it (my options are limited, with my knees - and cycling is one of very few things that doesn't kill me) and feeling like my kids were constantly wearing me out and I couldn't keep up with them at the park. I've noticed an immediate improvement in that area since I started riding, and it hasn't been very long... I can imagine that only gets better. I am by no means a speed demon though.. I have zero aspirations for racing or really getting faster, I just want to enjoy it and get/stay fit. I do want to be able to ride further, because that will expand where I'm able to go on my bike, but that's really my only goal, and I know it will come with time.

I do bike mostly by myself, sometimes with our 8yo... after DH gets home in the evenings, but I have by NO means excluded him - he just refuses to ride on the road with the kids, and doesn't think I should either. I don't think he likes riding on the road in general though - a few years ago he saw a cyclist that got hit, and didn't make it, and that image has stuck with him (even though the circumstances for that one were obviously unsafe - cyclist was out in the early morning, when it was still dark, no reflective clothing or lights, and not wearing a helmet, etc). I won't be able to keep riding in the evenings forever though, right now it's very dependent on the fact that it's still light out fairly late in the evenings.. I know that changes in the fall. I will be biking more with the kids when that happens (either at the park, or *gasp* actually on the road), and probably during the day while he's at work. Maybe that will make things better.. maybe it will make things worse, I don't know.

I found a bike club that rides "locally" for me (literally, many routes pass right by my house) and when I mentioned maybe joining some of those rides, he reacted VERY negatively to that. It's frustrating, and I don't understand it... I'd honestly love if he wanted to do something like that with me, but instead I'm left feeling like it's not even okay if I go on my own. The timing of most of the rides doesn't work well with me (early morning - I'm not a morning person, and the evening rides all start before he's usually home from work) so that's stopping me from going more than he is, but I still shouldn't feel like it's not okay.

I don't know.. I want to get a bike rack for my car and a better trailer to haul the kids in, which are things I plan on doing on my own regardless of what he does... maybe if I start taking the kids to the park to bike regularly and getting everything unloaded and set up becomes less of a chore it might make it easier to get everyone out.

[Kuota Rider]

I love to comment on this topic, but I have the opposite problem at my house. My husband is the riding nut and I am the hill slug. But interestingly enough, if I push myself out of bed, once on the road, I am happy I went.

Then while I'm further out on the road, I am wishing the ride was over. Then once I am home, I want to go again.

I think I have issues...

[Tri Girl]

My DH is the same way. If I try to talk about something that bothers me, he thinks it's an attack, gets defensive and it becomes a fight. He used to be the mellow one and I had the temper, but we're changing and now it's opposite (him hating his job but not wanting to look for something else has a lot to do with it).

Anyway, I don't know what to say to help you out. I know you have to tread lightly and not make him upset. Maybe you could sit him down and tell him it's about YOU not him. YOU want to ride your bike more because of the great feeling you get. YOU want to go on longer rides and take the kids to get them out and about and keep them in good health. YOU would love to have his company because you love him and want to enjoy time together.
If you use lots of ME/I statements maybe he won't get defensive????

Let us know what happens.

[sarahspins]

My DH is the same way. If I try to talk about something that bothers me, he thinks it's an attack, gets defensive and it becomes a fight. He used to be the mellow one and I had the temper, but we're changing and now it's opposite

That sounds so familiar

I don't want to come across like it's all bad, because it's not, it's just that sometimes I feel like HE lets his emotions take over (like with our bad start yesterday - things were fine until that car decided to mess with us, and then things just went downhill.. what should have been little issues became big ones), and just can't control what he says or does... and unfortunately I end up being the target of a lot of it, even though it may have more to do with him being frustrated in general than just to do with me.. I don't know.

I think right now, I'm going to focus on me, and figuring out the whole bike transport situation better so that the kids and I can enjoy things on our own... and once I have that figured out (and it doesn't require two cars to get us all somewhere, and lots of struggle loading and unloading), wait until the weather is nicer, and try again. Or suggest he meet us at the park after work (it's on the way).

[tulip]

What a drag. You deserve better. If he won't talk reasonably about this--which is really relatively minor in itself but is HUGE if he doesn't support you doing anything for yourself--I'm afraid you have bigger problems on your hands.

Best of luck in figuring this out and/or taking action as a couple to better communication within the family. Don't be shy about asking for help if you need to.

[shootingstar]

That sounds so familiar

I don't want to come across like it's all bad, because it's not, it's just that sometimes I feel like HE lets his emotions take over (like with our bad start yesterday - things were fine until that car decided to mess with us, and then things just went downhill.. what should have been little issues became big ones), and just can't control what he says or does... and unfortunately I end up being the target of a lot of it, even though it may have more to do with him being frustrated in general than just to do with me.. I don't know.

I think right now, I'm going to focus on me, and figuring out the whole bike transport situation better so that the kids and I can enjoy things on our own... and once I have that figured out (and it doesn't require two cars to get us all somewhere, and lots of struggle loading and unloading), wait until the weather is nicer, and try again. Or suggest he meet us at the park after work (it's on the way).

After reading your efforts, it sounds like you may need to back off trying to convince him about cycling too. Just enjoy it with your kids or by yourself. He needs space for himself to figure out what he wants. It does not need to escalate into something huge if your approach is casual and low-key --I just need my exercise and when you'll be back at a time you originally indicated.

Does he have a fitness activity that he engages in or would like to try? Encourage that instead. We cannot convince our loved ones that cycling is the activity for them, either right now or ever.

Try to see it the reverse situation...of enthusiastic men who are unable to get their wives on the bike. Everyone is free to find their own passion. Hope for this-- that he has a personal passion that he gets excited about, wants to explore/grow/become better, makes him feel better, is healthy even if outside of you and children.

I have a partner who loves cycling. We don't have a car and cycling is certainly part of our lifestyle since we've known each other many years ago. However if something should change later where one of us is unable/doesn't want to cycle, we then simply want the other person to look after their individual physical and mental health --take positive action long term, no matter what that person does, even if it's not cycling. So many positive options for him.

[TrekTheKaty]

Two general thoughts:

Men like it better when it's their idea (sorry boys, but several gf's concur).

You can't make anyone do something they don't want to do, ie. you can't convince someone to lose weight/quit drinking/quit smoking/exercise until they are ready to do it for themselves. My sis keeps trying to push my cuz into exercise. I keep telling her to back off--let her know how much fun we have and we're here if she needs info or support. Otherwise, leave her alone. (We've changed our concept at family-get-togethers. Instead of begging others to join us, then canceling because we felt guilty--Now we go. You're welcome to join us, otherwise we'll be back in a couple hours. It's surprising how well this concept works.)

(Oh, and I think garage sale's are based on the concept that many fitness ideas don't stick!)

Don't let him ruin your fun

[tctrek]

When I first started riding with DH, I had a clunky, crappy bike and he had a beautiful fast Cannondale. I griped, complained and pouted on every ride. How tired I was, how hot it was, how he was going too fast for me to keep up... surely it all meant he didn't love me!

That went on for just a few months and I saved up an purchased a better bike... not a great bike, but better than what I had. I could start keeping up with him a little and I whined and complained less. 6 months after that, I got my road bike. From then on in, no complaining. 1.5 years after that, I got a great road bike. He drafted me yesterday .

Just some food for thought... sounds to me like he is jealous that you love riding the bike and that you are having a relatively easy time of it, while he is struggling.

[sarahspins]

After reading your efforts, it sounds like you do need back off of trying to convince him about cycling too. Just enjoy it with your kids or by yourself.

My plan is just to enjoy it myself for now... and include the kids (little ones in trailer, big one on his own bike). I don't like feeling like I have to rely on him to be home in order to go ride (I don't think that's fair to either of us, honestly), so I'm fixing that for my own sake... and I had planned on doing so prior to yesterday... and that doesn't change. I want to be able to transport the bike(s) plus kids with my car. I wanted to do that before I was really set on taking the kids biking with me... just because it would be easier to have a way to transport my bike that did NOT include having to take the kids' carseats out of the car, because they're a PITA to get back in - I'd rather not have to do that more than I need to (a few times a year to clean off the back seat is enough) Plus if I needed to take my bike to the LBS or something, it's not always convenient to go without the kids.

Of course I don't want to push him if he doesn't want to do this... because it should be fun for everyone if we're going to do it together (or rather, try to), but given that 3 years ago he picked out his bike and the trailer for the kids on his own.. that kind of left me with the impression that it was something he wanted to start doing.. or at least pick up an interest in, but he just didn't, and I don't know why - maybe it was me not being interested at the time (no working bike)? Maybe it was too much of a chore to get out and do it with the kids on his own? I guess only he can answer that one, but honestly I can't figure out a way to ask that and not have it sound like an accusation. My only solution is to just drop it for now, and as he sees the kids are enjoying it more, perhaps he'll be interested in participating as well.

Does he have a fitness activity that he engages in or would like to try? Encourage that instead. We cannot convince our loved ones that cycling is the activity for them either right now or ever.

As of right now.. not really, and to be honest he hasn't the entire time I've known him (10+ years). He's into motorcycles, but currently has no one to go ride with... he tends to play with the dirt bikes on our property on the weekends (sometimes I join him).. but it's not exactly what I'd call exercise, it's an adrenalin rush and little more. We're not doing technical stuff or any difficult riding. We used to go play disc golf once in a while, but not often enough to even consider it a hobby. I would like the ENTIRE family to be more active, for the benefit of us all.. but I feel like I can't suggest that without it not coming out right, if that makes sense... basically I don't want him to think I'm really suggesting that he HAS to do something to get in shape, or that I am not happy with how he is now, because neither of those is true... really he's relatively healthy, so far.. I just want him to stay that way. The way our current lifestyle is though, we do need to change because we won't be young forever, and unless we get more active, it will eventually catch up with us.

I have a host of medical issues myself... and a not very encouraging family history of heart disease (mom had heart attack at 55, dad at 53, with a stroke too). I want to be healthier than they are and not put my kids through what my parents put me through, but I already feel like I'm at a disadvantage there because I have a couple of auto-immune diseases (stupid body!) plus asthma... so I want to be able to do what I can do so that I'm around a while.. and not die young because I thought I was invincible - I know I'm not But yeah, I suppose I'm rambling now

And really I don't think our relationship is as bad as it may seem.. he is supportive of the things I want to do (I do more than just ride, obviously..lol), it's just that every once in a while we get hung up on stuff like this... or he reacts in a way I don't expect to something I would have expected to be completely benign (like the bike club) simply because we're seeing it from different perspectives - it's hard for BOTH of us to take a step back and look at things from both sides.

[KathiCville]

+1 on the feeling that there's more going on here for him than the biking per se. He sounds unhappy, maybe even a little depressed? Whatever anger he's showing toward you, I bet he's aiming 5x or 10x that much at himself, inside, out o'sight. (Guys! Gotta love 'em....)

The fact that he finds something to complain about no matter what activity you choose is significant. And the crack about 'your boyfriend' is something that someone who is unhappy with himself would mutter....A problem on the job? Worrying about money? Feeling out of shape, unattractive? Frustrated with where he "is" in life compared to friends, colleagues?

If you want to continue trying to do the family ride thing, I'd say it's worth investing in a set-up that lets y'all gather and go quickly, without making a major production of it. Whatever it takes (within $ reason) to make it a snap to load the trailer and the bikes will pay for itself in lowering the hassle factor. You might be able to find what you need on craigslist? Or check with the local bike club to see if anyone has a bike rack they're not using this season?

Is there a road cycling safety class or family cycling safety class available locally? Maybe if you took it together it would help raise his comfort level with the riding-on-the-road issue. Seeing someone on a bicycle get hit was certainly not easy to witness! The memory of it is probably affecting him in ways that he's barely aware of.

As for your own riding, try not to let his current attitude put too much of a damper on your desire and determination to get out there yourself. As long as your biking doesn't put any unagreed-to childcare burden on him, he *should* be glad that you're taking care of yourself. Easier said than done, of course! You know how misery loves company! If he's unhappy with himself at the moment---whatever the root cause---it probably irks him on some level to see you enjoying yourself. And then, because he loves you, it probably irks him that he's irked!!

Finally, if he tends to complain about any and all activities that you try to set up, try inviting HIM to choose and organize an activity. Put it nicely, of course, without any reference to his neg attitude about previous outings. Just a "Hon, why don't you give some thought to what you'd like to do as a family this weekend?" Have on hand whatever local pubs would give him some ideas about what's coming up. If he follows up, great. But when and if he balks, then that might be the perfect lead-in to the "Say, what's been bugging you lately, sweetie?" conversation that others have suggested.......?

P.S. My BF tends to be a glass-half-empty type and it's definitely an "issue" for us!

[Kuota Rider]

I just finished fully reading your post, Sarah. I just skimmed it the first time and didn't realize the depth of the problem. I'm sorry for sounding like I was making light of it.

To me, it sounds to me like your DH is generally unhappy about life. He doesn't want to make decisions and he doesn't want you making decisions.
It also doesn't sound like the lines of communication between you two are very open either, (common with most men).
My DH is stressed about work right now and it has been a little difficult to get close, if you know what I mean. But we try to keep the communication lines open and let each other know how we're feeling and why. It doesn't always work out perfectly, but eventually we get there.

I think you need to try to find out what is at the root of his anger and depression. It sounds as though it goes fairly deep. When nothing is right in your life, that is usually just the surface of something going on much deeper inside. You are just seeing a smaller manifestation of a much bigger problem.

I don't know the entire situation, but I would suggest, if possible, take a weekend vacation together. Just the two of you. Somewhere where you can get away from everything and get the chance to talk.

I hope you find a solution for this soon. I know from personal experience that you are in a very difficult place right now.
Please let us know how things are going.
Private messages on the topic would be ok with me too.