How do you get your DH/SO interested in riding with you?

[Tri Girl]

My DH is the same way. If I try to talk about something that bothers me, he thinks it's an attack, gets defensive and it becomes a fight. He used to be the mellow one and I had the temper, but we're changing and now it's opposite (him hating his job but not wanting to look for something else has a lot to do with it).

Anyway, I don't know what to say to help you out. I know you have to tread lightly and not make him upset. Maybe you could sit him down and tell him it's about YOU not him. YOU want to ride your bike more because of the great feeling you get. YOU want to go on longer rides and take the kids to get them out and about and keep them in good health. YOU would love to have his company because you love him and want to enjoy time together.
If you use lots of ME/I statements maybe he won't get defensive????

Let us know what happens.

[sarahspins]

My DH is the same way. If I try to talk about something that bothers me, he thinks it's an attack, gets defensive and it becomes a fight. He used to be the mellow one and I had the temper, but we're changing and now it's opposite

That sounds so familiar

I don't want to come across like it's all bad, because it's not, it's just that sometimes I feel like HE lets his emotions take over (like with our bad start yesterday - things were fine until that car decided to mess with us, and then things just went downhill.. what should have been little issues became big ones), and just can't control what he says or does... and unfortunately I end up being the target of a lot of it, even though it may have more to do with him being frustrated in general than just to do with me.. I don't know.

I think right now, I'm going to focus on me, and figuring out the whole bike transport situation better so that the kids and I can enjoy things on our own... and once I have that figured out (and it doesn't require two cars to get us all somewhere, and lots of struggle loading and unloading), wait until the weather is nicer, and try again. Or suggest he meet us at the park after work (it's on the way).

[tulip]

What a drag. You deserve better. If he won't talk reasonably about this--which is really relatively minor in itself but is HUGE if he doesn't support you doing anything for yourself--I'm afraid you have bigger problems on your hands.

Best of luck in figuring this out and/or taking action as a couple to better communication within the family. Don't be shy about asking for help if you need to.

[shootingstar]

That sounds so familiar

I don't want to come across like it's all bad, because it's not, it's just that sometimes I feel like HE lets his emotions take over (like with our bad start yesterday - things were fine until that car decided to mess with us, and then things just went downhill.. what should have been little issues became big ones), and just can't control what he says or does... and unfortunately I end up being the target of a lot of it, even though it may have more to do with him being frustrated in general than just to do with me.. I don't know.

I think right now, I'm going to focus on me, and figuring out the whole bike transport situation better so that the kids and I can enjoy things on our own... and once I have that figured out (and it doesn't require two cars to get us all somewhere, and lots of struggle loading and unloading), wait until the weather is nicer, and try again. Or suggest he meet us at the park after work (it's on the way).

After reading your efforts, it sounds like you may need to back off trying to convince him about cycling too. Just enjoy it with your kids or by yourself. He needs space for himself to figure out what he wants. It does not need to escalate into something huge if your approach is casual and low-key --I just need my exercise and when you'll be back at a time you originally indicated.

Does he have a fitness activity that he engages in or would like to try? Encourage that instead. We cannot convince our loved ones that cycling is the activity for them, either right now or ever.

Try to see it the reverse situation...of enthusiastic men who are unable to get their wives on the bike. Everyone is free to find their own passion. Hope for this-- that he has a personal passion that he gets excited about, wants to explore/grow/become better, makes him feel better, is healthy even if outside of you and children.

I have a partner who loves cycling. We don't have a car and cycling is certainly part of our lifestyle since we've known each other many years ago. However if something should change later where one of us is unable/doesn't want to cycle, we then simply want the other person to look after their individual physical and mental health --take positive action long term, no matter what that person does, even if it's not cycling. So many positive options for him.

[TrekTheKaty]

Two general thoughts:

Men like it better when it's their idea (sorry boys, but several gf's concur).

You can't make anyone do something they don't want to do, ie. you can't convince someone to lose weight/quit drinking/quit smoking/exercise until they are ready to do it for themselves. My sis keeps trying to push my cuz into exercise. I keep telling her to back off--let her know how much fun we have and we're here if she needs info or support. Otherwise, leave her alone. (We've changed our concept at family-get-togethers. Instead of begging others to join us, then canceling because we felt guilty--Now we go. You're welcome to join us, otherwise we'll be back in a couple hours. It's surprising how well this concept works.)

(Oh, and I think garage sale's are based on the concept that many fitness ideas don't stick!)

Don't let him ruin your fun

[Irulan]

What I pick up on, perhaps he's freaking out that you might be getting in shape and that, for some reason, bring up abandonment crap for him. Going out and doing things without him can trigger the same kind of thing Being a guy of course he probably doesn't do emotions very well, so he may not even know it.

Perhaps it's time to work with a professional to learn how to communicate better about what is REALLY going on. Nothing wrong with counseling, it's help my marriage immensely.

[TrekTheKaty]

What I pick up on, perhaps he's freaking out that you might be getting in shape and that, for some reason, bring up abandonment crap for him.

I heard this somewhere--when wives lose weight or change their appearance, that's a sign to men that we may be getting ready to leave. A few years ago, I lost some weight thus resulting in some new clothes. I got a new hair cut to go with my new confidence. I kept catching DH looking at me funny--"No worries, babe. I'm doing it all for you!"

tctrek--I think we're related I vividly remember breaking down into "ugly" crying in the middle of the trail. When he doubled back for me, I said, "Don't you love me anymore?! Why would you abandon me out here on the trail? I was scared and lost!" (It was an out and back path--I could only end up at the car! TUP!)

[colby]

When we first got bikes, my husband and I biked to work. He was faster than I was, though we were both out of shape. It was so difficult for me, I remember stopping and getting mad at him for going faster and all kinds of weird issues. One ride home from work, I remember thinking... screw this. I'm going to go my pace, and if he's faster, he's faster. I'm riding for ME.

Fast forward like 5 years, and the tables are severely turned. I know last year when we'd ride to work, my husband would be frustrated with me like I was with him - and I always tried to keep a positive attitude with him, but still give him space. Sometimes the right answer is to ride your own pace, let him ride his own pace, and choose a point to meet back up. I would absolutely look into being able to ride with the kids on your own - don't always give him the choice, just fasten the kids to your bike and conveniently leave them there when you go out for your next ride. Maybe he won't feel like you're ditching him with the kids... but it's hard to say. The attitude problem is on his end, but I get where you're coming from.

I have found that this year, my husband is working out more, and while he still can't keep up with me, his attitude about cycling and things in general is better. Sometimes once you get over that hump, things start to come together - exercise does often improve one's mood and outlook on the world, and consistent exercise really does help. However, I had to do this not by "hey, join me on my rides" but rather "we have a gym membership, why don't you go do that while I do the dishes today"... eventually we started doing more things together again, but it took some independent time first.

I think there's an element of the abandonment thing (sometimes I have told stories about strange guys on rides thanking me for the "tough workout" of them trying to keep up with me, or guys that start riding with me and talking about my bike, and I can see that those aren't received favorably ). There's some kind of jealousy or 'sense of duty' thing (he should be stronger than you, right? be able to go farther? be your knight in shining armor?). It's complicated and when it comes out of their mouths, rather than saying "I'm really hurt by X" or "I'm having a hard time dealing with Y" some dudes come out with anger and deflection... which just encourages us to not want to be around them, which I guess feeds the cycle.

And they say women are complicated...

[tctrek]

tctrek--I think we're related I vividly remember breaking down into "ugly" crying in the middle of the trail. When he doubled back for me, I said, "Don't you love me anymore?! Why would you abandon me out here on the trail? I was scared and lost!" (It was an out and back path--I could only end up at the car! TUP!)

*snort* I think so too... whenever there's a post about riding with hubbies, our stories are the same. Cracks me up. Also, makes me feel better that others have gone through it.

I was out with DH tonight and we were on a route that he has ridden, but was new to me. 10 miles into it, another rider passes us. DH takes off like he's going to chase him down, leaving me in his dust, totally forgetting that I have no idea where I am on this route!! I actually slowed down, went into an easy gear and just waited. Couple minutes later, here he comes... "so sorry" "don't know what I was thinking, I couldn't catch that dude". LOL -- it's just who he is. I'm just thankful that I have matured enough as a rider to let it go and not cry anymore.

[tctrek]

When I first started riding with DH, I had a clunky, crappy bike and he had a beautiful fast Cannondale. I griped, complained and pouted on every ride. How tired I was, how hot it was, how he was going too fast for me to keep up... surely it all meant he didn't love me!

That went on for just a few months and I saved up an purchased a better bike... not a great bike, but better than what I had. I could start keeping up with him a little and I whined and complained less. 6 months after that, I got my road bike. From then on in, no complaining. 1.5 years after that, I got a great road bike. He drafted me yesterday .

Just some food for thought... sounds to me like he is jealous that you love riding the bike and that you are having a relatively easy time of it, while he is struggling.

[sarahspins]

After reading your efforts, it sounds like you do need back off of trying to convince him about cycling too. Just enjoy it with your kids or by yourself.

My plan is just to enjoy it myself for now... and include the kids (little ones in trailer, big one on his own bike). I don't like feeling like I have to rely on him to be home in order to go ride (I don't think that's fair to either of us, honestly), so I'm fixing that for my own sake... and I had planned on doing so prior to yesterday... and that doesn't change. I want to be able to transport the bike(s) plus kids with my car. I wanted to do that before I was really set on taking the kids biking with me... just because it would be easier to have a way to transport my bike that did NOT include having to take the kids' carseats out of the car, because they're a PITA to get back in - I'd rather not have to do that more than I need to (a few times a year to clean off the back seat is enough) Plus if I needed to take my bike to the LBS or something, it's not always convenient to go without the kids.

Of course I don't want to push him if he doesn't want to do this... because it should be fun for everyone if we're going to do it together (or rather, try to), but given that 3 years ago he picked out his bike and the trailer for the kids on his own.. that kind of left me with the impression that it was something he wanted to start doing.. or at least pick up an interest in, but he just didn't, and I don't know why - maybe it was me not being interested at the time (no working bike)? Maybe it was too much of a chore to get out and do it with the kids on his own? I guess only he can answer that one, but honestly I can't figure out a way to ask that and not have it sound like an accusation. My only solution is to just drop it for now, and as he sees the kids are enjoying it more, perhaps he'll be interested in participating as well.

Does he have a fitness activity that he engages in or would like to try? Encourage that instead. We cannot convince our loved ones that cycling is the activity for them either right now or ever.

As of right now.. not really, and to be honest he hasn't the entire time I've known him (10+ years). He's into motorcycles, but currently has no one to go ride with... he tends to play with the dirt bikes on our property on the weekends (sometimes I join him).. but it's not exactly what I'd call exercise, it's an adrenalin rush and little more. We're not doing technical stuff or any difficult riding. We used to go play disc golf once in a while, but not often enough to even consider it a hobby. I would like the ENTIRE family to be more active, for the benefit of us all.. but I feel like I can't suggest that without it not coming out right, if that makes sense... basically I don't want him to think I'm really suggesting that he HAS to do something to get in shape, or that I am not happy with how he is now, because neither of those is true... really he's relatively healthy, so far.. I just want him to stay that way. The way our current lifestyle is though, we do need to change because we won't be young forever, and unless we get more active, it will eventually catch up with us.

I have a host of medical issues myself... and a not very encouraging family history of heart disease (mom had heart attack at 55, dad at 53, with a stroke too). I want to be healthier than they are and not put my kids through what my parents put me through, but I already feel like I'm at a disadvantage there because I have a couple of auto-immune diseases (stupid body!) plus asthma... so I want to be able to do what I can do so that I'm around a while.. and not die young because I thought I was invincible - I know I'm not But yeah, I suppose I'm rambling now

And really I don't think our relationship is as bad as it may seem.. he is supportive of the things I want to do (I do more than just ride, obviously..lol), it's just that every once in a while we get hung up on stuff like this... or he reacts in a way I don't expect to something I would have expected to be completely benign (like the bike club) simply because we're seeing it from different perspectives - it's hard for BOTH of us to take a step back and look at things from both sides.

[Kano]

Oh drat, this is long, but I'm hoping it's insight into where his head might be when you ride together, even though I'm telling my side of the story. (though I think he's being stupid insisting on towing the kids -- if he had you do it, they'd slow you down and make it easier for him to keep up. That's why I had HIM tow the trailer with our grandson riding in it!)

It's HARD to be the one trying to keep up.

When DH decided a few years ago that we were going to take up biking TOGETHER "to get ready for ski season," little did he know that he was unleashing a monster. Not that I'm trying to suggest that I'm really good at this riding thing, mind you, but it turned out that I love it! He rides "to get some exercise." Exercise is a side benefit for me.

Biking, for me, was love at first crank, so to speak. That doesn't mean I've always LIKED riding. From the first, he could go faster than me. Trying to keep up was frustrating. His method of "waiting up" while I caught up to him was to ride down and back on side streets, ride way ahead and come back, and that was demoralizing. Or, he'd get out of sight, and expect me to know where I was supposed to follow. Plus, I hurt. Lots. My body was overwhelmed by the new activity.

Still, I loved it. I wanted to ride. I would go out by myself, because it helped me hurt less to ride gently in the warmth of the day, so my muscles would loosen up from the day before.

Then DH would come home from work and want to ride. We would ride. Inevitably, at some point on our rides "together," I would find myself crying in frustration. Since I did NOT want to give up riding, I knew I had to solve the issue. The problem was NOT DH, it was in me. Just because he could go faster than I could didn't mean I couldn't do it, but

I needed to figure out how I could ride with DH and enjoy it.

I needed to learn that it was okay to not be as fast as DH. I needed to learn to ride my own ride. The hardest thing for me to do, though, was to help him understand what I needed from him.

He would yell at me for following him down a cul de sac that he was using as a time filler while I would catch up to him, but he expected me to follow him. Following him meant riding the cul de sac, right? We had to figure out some other way.

I had a hard time with him doubling back too. I had to learn to accept a certain amount of that, becaues stopping to wait for me is not in his nature. He hates to stop once he's moving -- and he's really hard to get moving in the first place! He agreed to learn to slow down enough to be sure he could see me in his mirror after I ended up way off course one day following the wrong person in a same color shirt!

Riding with DH was more fun, particularly as my fitness level improved. We got so we were paired pretty well, though he has this thing about riding behind me on busy roads, and blocking my view of traffic, which makes me nuts. He takes a little pushing to get out the door, but he always enjoys a ride once he's moving.


This year is different. I need to keep those days in mind. This year, I'm smoking him on the hills -- not that I'm going fast! and in general, I'm a stronger rider than I've ever been. He's not riding as much this year as he has the past few. Granted -- it makes me feel pretty good to beat him up a hill. It's new for me, and it's been YEARS in the making. It's pretty cool to fly past him on a flat too -- that never happened either!

But his ego is taking a bit of a bruising (not that he'll say so). It was getting hard to get him out riding with me. I learned some new tricks -- I ride my heavier bike when I ride with him, and I ride in the spinny gears, pedaling like a madwoman and getting nowhere. He's still leading the way, setting the pace, and determining how much of a ride we're going to have, which makes him happy. I'm spinning, loosening up the muscles that I have been abusing in the gym and torturing on the road when I'm alone. We're riding together, both happy, and that's a good thing!

My fast, long, hard rides are on my own -- me time. Or, there are the group rides, where I'm somewhere in the middle, scrambling to catch the fast riders to let them know they're losing us slow riders! Oh -- and the trailer does grocery duty these days. I get to tow it, and he's glad he doesn't have to!

Karen in Boise

[redrhodie]

I'm wondering a couple of things. Are you sure he's not in some kind of physical distress? When was his last check up? And, are you sure his bike was working perfectly, and his brakes weren't rubbing? I get really cranky when my brakes rub.

[lph]

I agree with Kano's observations. If you're that kind of person being the slow one really sucks. I can get really childish and upset and cranky if I feel that I'm keeping someone back, while still trying my hardest, especially if that person is just whooshing back and forth filling time apparently with no effort.

When I started cross-country skiing some years ago, after several trips apoplectic with distress, I made a deal with my dh - he stays BEHIND, and he does NOT overlap my skis. That let me set my own pace, stop when I wanted to, and not feel pushed - and let me hide my face when I was really struggling. Stupid, I know, but that's just what it was like. Now we're much more closely matched and I've mellowed out anyway so we don't do that anymore, but I try to observe the same thing with our son and give him space when he needs it to feel on top of things.

It can be tough if your mental image of yourself doesn't match reality, and realizing there's a mismatch doesn't necessarily help the feeling of substandardness.