Hi guys -

Well, thanks for the well wishes! It really did help. As soon as I hit the part before the second climb, though, I could tell my heart wasn't really into it. I did this ride 2 years ago and am now painfully aware of how hard it is (as opposed to then when I was moderately ignorant.) I had a really unusual (for me) dialogue going on in my head, wondering why I was doing this ride and having no good answer whatsoever.

There are NO really good excuses for my DNF, but I realized as I rode that I also was unprepared in 2 ways: (1) lack of long rides (my longest ride this year was 90 miles as opposed to a 190 and 250 miler the year I did DMD) and (2) equipment insecurity. When I did the ride before, it was hot, so even though conditions were miserable and there was a huge % of abandons, I was ok at night. Yesterday morning, when I descended Mt Diablo, my teeth were chattering and I was having trouble holding my lines because I was so cold. I started thinking then about how cold it was going to get after dark that night, etc. And I truly did not have my randonneur spirit in me. Sure I could get a trash bag from a SAG stop, and why not just take all night, which is what it would have taken me to finish? My light was good, after all.

But I just didn't WANT to. I spent about 75 miles with the back and forth dialogue about why to go on, etc. I finally decided to SAG in at the stop at the bottom of Mines Rd, before starting the 40 mile climb up Mt Hamilton.

However, when I got to that stop, our SF Bay TNT Head Coach and several teammates were there to ride this part with me and my friend (who had DNF'ed at the first climb w/knee issues). So I went on with them to the lunch stop. That was a HUGE morale booster. Then at lunch, after deciding to stop there, Karen suggested I just ride up Hamilton. As I had been riding to lunch, I had been thinking about how much closer to the top of Hamilton I was getting , etc., and so when she said that I decided to go for that. And watching the flat miles right after lunch literally disappear under my wheels (the markers are painted on the road to be visible for aircraft), it felt pretty good. But then the 7 mile steep slog up the backside of the mountain started. And I got sick, which I really don't enjoy. And I really decided I didn't want to do this right now and could find no good reason to continue. I was also feeling very miserable physically and in the condition I was, I was a bit nervous about being out there so long after dark.

Truly, having done the ride before made it HARDER to think of going on. which was the opposite of what I would have expected. But it was double pronged: (1) I knew how hard and miserable parts upcoming would be and (2) I've done it before! Why kill myself just to SAY I have done it twice.

So out of the 206 miles and 20,000 feet, I ended up with 134 miles, probably 14,500 - 15,000 feet (I haven't looked yet). I'm ok with it. I may try this ride again, and if so I will have a reason to finish it next time. I have never DNF'ed anything in my life and I will build up a level of ambition and determination (and general positive crankiness) about the ride that I lacked yesterday over the next year or so.

(And it was really nice to be in bed by 11 pm instead of 4 am.)