Getting married- ? do I change my name

[SheFly]

I changed my name when I got married, then back when I got divorced. I never want to go through the change process again just based on the PITA factor.

Same boat. EXCEPT, when I married my second husband, he was adamant about me taking his name - said there wasn't really a reason for us to legally get married, otherwise (we were planning a family at the time, and had been living together for several years).

We discussed it together and I came up with a compromise. I decided to legally change my middle name to my birth surname - my brother and I are the last of the line with my birth surname, so I thought this would please my dad. Backfired! My dad was the one who gave my my original middle name! DOH!

So, today, legally, I go by firstname, birth surname, DH surname. My parents still insert my birth middle name though, giving me four names .

Yes, it's a PITA to change (especially when you have already been through this process twice!), but I like my name, and don't feel that I've lost any of my identity because I changed it.

SheFly

[Aggie_Ama]

I wanted my husband's name but at the same time loved my birth name. I HATED my given middle name of Jean, from the time I was about 8 or 9. So I marched down to the Social Security office and put my new name as Amanda_birth last name_husband last name. I love my name now, my resume has my middle name because I love my middle name. I actually love being called Mrs. his last name. His name is only 5 letters and is simple but people ask how to spell (there is more than one way) and mispronounce.

My German mess of birth last name my pawpaw gave my dad was 9 letters. No one could pronounce it or spell it. But 3 weeks before our wedding my Pawpaw was stolen from us by a heart attack and I decided then and there his name would stay with me somehow. My husband wanted us to have the same name because to him marriage is becoming a team not a piece of property. But I sign Amanda middle initial last name.

My mother chose to keep her name as her middle name. Her mother and her have the same first name. When my mom was 16 her mother was declared legally blind and often sent my mom to do shopping or errands. Once my mom changed her name she figured keeping the drivers license with her birth name on it would be easier. So her first name middle name matches my Mammaw's checks and has never been an issue for her. After her father died in 1982 (she changed her name in 1975) she said she was glad to have his name along.

[ASammy1]

I got married in 2004 and never changed my name. My husband didn't care and my MIL actually liked the fact that I kept my name. In 2007 I got divorced (it was really ugly) and I've never been so happy that I didn't change my name!

[7rider]

I think it's a choice.
I did not change my name when I got married. I suppose if we had children, I would change my name to his, if only for the convenience factor of the kid's name(s). But, without kids, I see no particular reason to go through the hassle of changing my name. DH doesn't care. If you want to call me "Mrs. (husband's last name)", then that's okay by me. I respond to just about anything as long as it's not a threat or a slur.
My family always says "I don't care what you call me....just don't call me late for dinner!"

[mtbdarby]

Interesting thread....

I did change my last name when I got married. Partially because I felt we were a team, partially because I felt like it was expected of me, and partially because I was sick to death of people mispronouncing my German last name (which when correctly pronounced sounds quite normal, incorrectly sounds like a lady of the evening!).

When my marriage started going south, I automatically started calling myself by my birth name. It felt normal and I felt like it was "who I was". When the divorce was final I really struggled with the name, but left it as my married name so that I had the same last name as my son. I know it's easy for people to say and spell, but to this day it's not me and I don't relate to it. My ex was astonished that I would even think of changing it back which surprised me.

Anyway, go with what feels natural for the both of you. I do like the suggestion of keeping your birth surname as your middle name. Maybe that's what I'll do....

[sundial]

I wanted my husband's name but at the same time loved my birth name.

Same here, added the birth name as my middle name and took Mr. Sundial's name.

[DebW]

I believe in keeping one name for life. When I married in 1980, dh said he thought families should have the same last name. I disagreed, but said if he felt strongly about it he could change his name. He didn't. If he had insisted I change mine, I wouldn't have married him, because that would have meant he was an MCP (who remembers what that stands for?). Fast forward to 2 years ago when we went to marriage counseling (we should be divorcing this year), and among his complaints were that I didn't change my name and would never agree to a joint bank account. The bigger problem was that I married the wrong gender - the other things were just symptoms. I did kind of always resent that both kids got his last name. I wanted my last name for one and his for the other.

[Andrea]

... he was an MCP (who remembers what that stands for?)...

Microsoft Certified Professional
Maritime Communications Partner
Molecular and Cellular Proteomics
Medical Center at Princeton
Metal Coating Process

Ah... here we go- male chauvinist pig!

I knew google wouldn't fail me...

[Biciclista]

I'll confess; I remembered (what MCP meant)

[Andrea]

Is 27.75 old enough to know? I think I'd heard it before but forgotten.

[Crankin]

I remembered, Deb, and I laughed!
I didn't change my name the first time, but people started calling me by his last name anyway. It caused a hassle with the ASU legal aid divorce I got in 1977. I had to go through the process of legally changing it back.
I come from a culture (at least in New England) where everyone pretty much uses her birth name as her middle name when she gets married, if she is changing her last name. I didn't realize this was different from what is common. When DH and I were planning our marriage, the name change thing was the only thing we disagreed on. He really wanted me to take his name, so I did. Then, after a few years, he realized it didn't matter in the least to him (he was raised by very traditional parents) and suggested that I change back. But, by this time I didn't care so much. Legally, I am Robyn birth name, DH's last name. I sign everything this way, with no hyphen. People don't call me that, though, although around here it is very common to do so. I think because I was a teacher, people just went with the Mrs. DH's last name...
As I said, around here many people don't change their name, use hyphenated names, or do as I have. It's common to have families with many different last names. Both of my kids have my birth name as their middle name. At first, they hated it, but when we moved to a community with more progressive values and half the kids had hyphenated names, they realized it wasn't that "weird." The oldest one uses it on all official documents (like his college diploma), but the younger one uses his initial only. I don't think he even knows how to spell it correctly (it's a slightly different spelling of a name that while it isn't super common, is recognizable).
Once in awhile, I think that this is the only thing I gave in on, but in retrospect, I have been married for almost 30 years and there's more important things!

[Aggie_Ama]

We got married May 24, I graduated May 9. So guess what the all important paper handed to me by Dr. Robert Gates from Texas A&M says my name is? My Aggie Ring says Amanda J. Birth Last Name (I can't believe it all fit in a size 5.5 ring). I am cool with it. I am still me and my family thinks I am still one of them even if my legal name is different.

[GLC1968]

I changed my name. Never thought anything of it. Plus- I was changing my name from a really confusing German/American hybrid name to a generic name (Brown). I never have to spell it, which is so nice. When my dad died, I kind of wished I'd kept it, but my brother has a son, so the name will go on.

Ditto, exactly...except that my father is still alive. I love not having to spell my last name anymore (even though I always still have to spell both my first name and my middle name - if using it).

And if you want to talk about unusual last names, my maiden name belongs to 4 people. My parents, my brother and myself (now, my brother's wife and not me, but still 4 people). No one else in the entire world (living). Talk about lack of privacy - I meet someone and one Google search and they know every thing about my family they could possibly want to know. It sucked. As much as I liked being unique, it was somewhat scary in many ways (particularly when I was dating). Now, my married name sounds like a soap opera name - and in fact, it's the name belonging to a character from an 80's fantasy TV drama. When you google it, you get hits about that show and not about me.

I was married at 35, too. My first career, my college degrees and my master's thesis are all in my maiden name even though we got married before I was done with graduate school. When I started my first job in my second career, it was with my married name. It was an easy transition for me.

If I had to do it all again, I would. Regardless of what my driver's license says...I'm still a 'maiden name' and always will be. By taking my husband's name, now I'm a 'married name' as well. As far as I'm concerned, it's the best of both worlds.

[lph]

It's up to everyone to make their own decision for their own reasons, but personally I can't see any reason I would want to change my name, ever. I'm not married, for that matter, but for all practical purposes, and in all the ways that count, we're married, and I call him my husband. (In Norwegian that neatly comes out as "my man", which is quite correct )

Basically I consider marriage a private matter, as private as what I vote, what my religious views are, what my interests are and who my friends are. Not a secret, mind you, but something that I don't feel the need to state publicly by changing my name. I'm me with my name, the man I'm married to is someone else.

Our son carries both our surnames. Mine is the most unusual, so that became his given surname, while my dh's surname became his middle name. To keep things a little simpler we gave him just one first name, a slightly unusual one. I promised dh that I would use our son's full name on all occasions so that dh's surname wouldn't "disappear".

Likewise I have my mother's maiden name as my middle name. I hated it like the plague as a teenager, as a grown-up I suddenly appreciated having both my parents represented in my name and I use both names actively today.

[MM_QFC!]

Speaking of customs, I don't have a 'maiden' name either...

Exactly, Zen - neither do I..."birth name" is an instantly understandable term, isn't it? I much prefer it to that other term, for a variety of reasons...to each their own though, so I respect it if a woman uses that term because she prefers it, and assume that my ownpreference is respected too.

Actually, the standard French abbreviation is "née", meaning: 'born'; it is used to denote the birth name or family name for when (usually) a woman who is now married, decides to take her spouse's surname.
FWIW: even when I was married, I did not choose to change my name. I have 2 sons and neither had any hint of an identity crisis; I was very active in their schools, sports and other activities throughout and no issues there either in connecting my guys to me as their Mom!