Tri-girl I typed this before I read your most recent post but I decided to send it anyway. Please don't think you were overly dramatic when you made the pylon reference at the time it can be too real.

Your post has been haunting me since I read it. Not so much on the marriage issue - That is normal rubberbanding and will ebb and flow - but the part about just wanting to drive into the pylons.

My sister has attempted suicide and luckily was intercepted and put into treatment. She described the feelings of wanting to end it and they were real - All her levels had dropped so low she said she felt like she was drowning and just struggling to stay afloat, gasping for air.

She said the same thing - just open the door of the car and step out while her husband was driving, just swerve into the barriers . . . neither of those were her method of choice but they were the beginning of the thoughts.

I am telling her story to contrast w/ mine. When my significant other died last year I wanted to die to. But the difference was, I didn't think of committing any act to do myself in. I just wanted to be w/ him and didn't see a purpose to my life anymore. I didn't care if I lived or died. Also I was no longer afraid of death and if it happened would have welcomed it. BUT at no time did I ever think any ways I could die.

So the conclusion of this scenario, I was able to work through my feelings w/ grief therapy, my sister needed therapy and medication. Luckily she finally found a Dr. who diagnosed her correctly - she is bipolar and now on the correct meds. She was being treated for depression and was on the wrong meds. It took until she was 52 to finally be diagnosed correctly.

I am glad to hear you are planning on getting help - Run, don't walk to your nearest mental health center. And definately, as was advised, tell them about your thoughts.

Please don't let a semi-good clear thought day prevent you from getting the help you are needing, it is too easy to fall into "I am doing ok today I guess I don't need any help" Often when the next bout hits it is worse.

Good luck and please keep us informed - we care about you