Marriage: it isn't all roses and rainbows

[gingerale]

Yes! Those feelings are perfectly normal. I've been married just a little longer than you (13 yrs last Aug) and there have been a couple of times in our marriage that I just felt empty inside. It's also funny you bring this up, too, because yesterday in my ladies' class at church one of my mentors was talking about this. She said they have been married more than 40 yrs and she said there has been a couple of times in those yrs that he could have been hit and killed by a bus right in front of her and she would have turned around to their family standing there and said, "So! Where are we going for dinner??" LOL I think it's always good to know that not all marriages are perfect. They do take work. And you're not alone in feeling like the two of you are just not connecting right now.

I also agree it would be a wonderful idea for you to talk to someone. Depression can wreak havoc on marriages and relationships. Good luck with everything.

[SheFly]

You are not alone. My DH and I have been married for 9 years, together for 13. This is a second marriage for both of us. I love him - he is my partner and best friend.

There are times, sometimes extended, however, when I don't really like him. There are days when I fantasize about being on my own again, living life MY way and not being responsible to anyone else. In fact, we are in one of those times right now, and I'm not sure what instigated it exactly. We also don't communicate about it, but the tension is often palpable.

I know, however, that this will turn itself around, and we will end up back in a happy place - excited to be together. There won't be a specific turning point either - it will just happen.

I, too, have wondered if this up and down cycle stems from depression. You definitely need someone to talk to, and a professional is a great place to start.

Best wishes to you as you work through this. And vent here as much as you like - it has helped me often to see that I am not alone.

SheFly

[OakLeaf]

You are not alone. But I don't have any words of wisdom.

Therapy has been a godsend for me (not currently doing it but did for many years), but our one attempt at couples counseling was a disaster (for many reasons, but the therapist herself has at least half the responsibility IMO) and DH won't try that again.

Along those same lines, I think it's absolutely critical that each partner confront h/h own issues in individual therapy before, or at a minimum concurrently with, couples therapy. Two unhealthy individuals have no hope of becoming a healthy couple. A therapist hired to treat the couple really can't get too deeply into individual issues that might create a conflict of interest.

But there are other ways to get into a healthy emotional state at least partially. Is Yoga or meditation or bodywork something that you and your DH can undertake?


PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE talk to someone about your suicidal feelings. Drugs are the only thing that makes the thoughts go away for me but therapy helped me learn that the thoughts are not "real," that I do NOT want to commit suicide even when I have the thoughts. (Which was near constant, before drugs.) I'm hearing the same thing from you... PLEASE don't let suicide become something you try OR something that you beat yourself up for not trying. PLEASE.

[Irulan]

You are not alone. But I don't have any words of wisdom.

Therapy has been a godsend for me (not currently doing it but did for many years), but our one attempt at couples counseling was a disaster (for many reasons, but the therapist herself has at least half the responsibility IMO) and DH won't try that again.

Along those same lines, I think it's absolutely critical that each partner confront h/h own issues in individual therapy before, or at a minimum concurrently with, couples therapy. Two unhealthy individuals have no hope of becoming a healthy couple. A therapist hired to treat the couple really can't get too deeply into individual issues that might create a conflict of interest.

But there are other ways to get into a healthy emotional state at least partially. Is Yoga or meditation or bodywork something that you and your DH can undertake?


PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE talk to someone about your suicidal feelings. Drugs are the only thing that makes the thoughts go away for me but therapy helped me learn that the thoughts are not "real," that I do NOT want to commit suicide even when I have the thoughts. (Which was near constant, before drugs.) I'm hearing the same thing from you... PLEASE don't let suicide become something you try OR something that you beat yourself up for not trying. PLEASE.

I really wish we had a "I'm with stupid" emoticon. This is very good advice.

My story shares some parallels with Oakleaf, although for me ( us) marriage counseling was a huge success.

Sounds to me like you guys are way beyond needing to schedule a date night, and some sort of professional support is needed to facilitate communication and getting beyond the symptoms here. Depressive issues and lack of communication can have a huge dynamic on a marriage relationship.

Me? Married 25+ years. We've been through depressions, substance abuse, emotional withdrawal and more. A good marriage counselor ( and some individual counseling) gave us the tools to rebuild, and I know have the marriage I could have only dreamed of 10-15 years ago.

It's pretty much a fact that if one divorces before they deal with the underlying issues/factors/emotional baggage, they are pretty doomed to get into similar situations.

Irulan.





Good luck.

[salsabike]

You asked how to find a counselor. The best way is to start talking to the friends you have where you live. If any of them are in counseling--and you can be sure some of them are---ask them if they like and respect their counselors, if their counselors are SMART (it's not good to get with a counselor who's not as smart as you are), if they help them look at things they hadn't seen before, and help them see new options. Word of mouth, through people you think reasonably well of, is a good way to find a good counselor.

[Irulan]

You asked how to find a counselor. The best way is to start talking to the friends you have where you live. If any of them are in counseling--and you can be sure some of them are---ask them if they like and respect their counselors, if their counselors are SMART (it's not good to get with a counselor who's not as smart as you are), if they help them look at things they hadn't seen before, and help them see new options. Word of mouth, through people you think reasonably well of, is a good way to find a good counselor.

I got a great rec from my Family MD.

[katluvr]

I guess I can say "ditto" to most here.
I am not sure who talked about the "mid winter blues". I think "I" am also feeling that. But I call it the "rut". When work and routine take hold. Me and my partner are doing less "riding" and "goofing" off on weekends. We are working --and not in love w/ our jobs -- and not doing much else. So what is there to talk about? It is just work, come home, work out, fix dinner, watch TV, sleep and repeat. I know a weekend ago when we got out of town for a charity run, we had the best time. We did nothing special...but we did not "snap" at each other the entire time. That even includes driving, getting lost AND getting up at "before the crack of dawn" to be at the race way earlier that I wanted to get there. Since we got back home, kinda back in the rut. But I see light at the end of the tunnel. It is really hard when you get to the 10+ year mark. Talk about "routine" setting in.
So "ditto" this is normal.
But "ditto" don't let too much of this worry you.
BUT "ditto" don't ignore it. I am using it as my "wake up call" to be sure the routine or rut does not turn into a big divide that can't be fixed.
I need to re-read all these posts to make sure I use the useful advise myself.
Good luck!

[sfa]

Oh, heck, yeah, that's completely normal! I think it would be abnormal for two people to get along perfectly year after year with all peaks and no valleys.

DH and I have been together for 21 years, and of course there have been times where I've wondered why the hell I got married at all and other times when I've wondered if he's getting ready to leave. The worst is when those two times coincide. And yes, being depressed makes it much worse--I went through a couple of years of hell where my depression colored every aspect of my life. On the surface there is nothing especially better about my life now (different job, which did help a lot, but same problems with kids, same cramped and messy house, same old cars, etc.) but having dealt with my depression makes everything much better. It also means that when my relationship with my DH is not at a peak, I have a bit more perspective and know that this isn't the end of the world.

I think there are things you can do, but how you approach it depends on your personality. I'm a planner and I like projects, so I've learned that if I have something to plan for that's six months to a year away, it makes getting through the hassles and irritations of daily life much easier. So I plan vacations or landscaping projects or home improvements (btw, these are to keep ME happy and balanced--if I'm doing o.k., then it follows that I'm happier with my marriage as well). DH likes to make stuff. He's only really unhappy when he doesn't have something he's working on, so he volunteers with Habitat for Humanity and brews beer and builds stuff in our yard. Neither one of us have ever been much for talking over our problems, because I think we both know that we'll eventually get through them. The only time we've resorted to an "o.k., we really have to do something or this is going to fall apart" discussion was at the low point of my depression and we communicated through writing. It let us say what we really wanted to say without getting emotional or heated or saying the wrong thing.

Sarah

[Biciclista]

Ok, this is what we did. We felt more like roommates and the spark seemed to have been gone. We both noticed that. So, in an effort to improve our marriage, we sat down with a calendar. we marked out one weekend every month using the Almanac to find the best weather windows. And we planned that weekend to be OUR weekend. We planned all sorts of things, hikes, operas, plays, volunteer work, carving on a Haida canoe. Bed and Breakfasts, home dinners, you name it, we did all sorts of stuff. And it really helped.
A marriage is like any other entity. If you don't feed it, it will languish. So go get help for depression, but YOU can help the marriage. take him out to dinner (a surprise) with your calendar and make this year HAPPEN.

it works. (next month, we'll be married 31 years)

[tulip]

I sent you an email (I mean PM).

Lots of good comments here. I would just add that every marriage is different. Only you can know what is best for you.

[sundial]

Ok, this is what we did. We felt more like roommates and the spark seemed to have been gone. We both noticed that. So, in an effort to improve our marriage, we sat down with a calendar. we marked out one weekend every month using the Almanac to find the best weather windows. And we planned that weekend to be OUR weekend. We planned all sorts of things, hikes, operas, plays, volunteer work, carving on a Haida canoe. Bed and Breakfasts, home dinners, you name it, we did all sorts of stuff. And it really helped.
A marriage is like any other entity. If you don't feed it, it will languish. So go get help for depression, but YOU can help the marriage. take him out to dinner (a surprise) with your calendar and make this year HAPPEN.

it works. (next month, we'll be married 31 years)

Mimi the Wise!

[GraysonKelly]

Hugs for you TriGirl! I'm so sorry that things feel so out of control for you right now. That's not a fun feeling.

I don't know if anyone here will agree with me or not and I'm not married but I have involved with the same person for almost 10 years. I can't tell you what is normal or not. You are correct that marriages/relationships ebb and flow for no particular reason. I think almost everyone would agree with that. But I can't tell you what is normal for you relationship. I will say that I think that you need to care for yourself a little bit more and give yourself a break.

You have been dealing with some very stressful stuff and if you don't know it yourself, I'm going to tell you that it's okay for you to be worried for yourself. It is okay for you to be sad, frustrated, overwhelmed. It is okay for you to feel. I know that it is hard when it seems that your marriage is growing stagnant or even sliding into chaos not to find reasons why you might be causing it. But, without knowing you and your husband, it's okay for you to worry about just you. Even when your husband seems unhappy, it is ok for you to step back and say to yourself, "I want and need to worry about taking care of me".

Maybe if you give yourself some time to think about yourself, think about what you need for yourself, from yourself...you'll be able to go to your husband and tell him. It might give you some perspective and might give him some as well.

I'm not saying that you are the problem in your marriage. Not at all. I'm only saying that you've dealt with a heck of lot and you are allowed to give yourself a break. When I was stressing about the same type of issues (including wondering what would happen if I drove my car into something) I sat down and wrote out the stuff that had happened in the last year (which led to things that had happened throughout my life) that stressed me out and made me feel so badly...when I got all that out I reread and realized that if I was reading that list of things written by someone else I would be saying something like "Wow, I'm surprised this person isn't in a straight jacket or on top of a building somewhere with a rifle!" Then I realized that it was a lot to deal with and that I had every right to feel overwhelmed. And that made it easier to start sorting things out. I did go into therapy and that helped tremendously. There is nothing wrong with nor is there anything wrong with your marriage.

Communication is big thing with me but not so much with my partner...that is so incredibly frustrating for me. But I have to do what is best for me and that is talking about what I'm thinking or feeling whether I get a response or not. If you and your husband are not big on communication (verbally) maybe thinking about nonverbal communication would be better.

I'm sorry this is so long and there are probably a lot of people that will disagree with me, but the point of this rather long bit of rambling is that you are allowed to be you, allowed to be an individual, and are allowed to have feelings, thoughts, wants, and needs that are you own independent of your husband or your marriage. Obviously you can't just put your husband on the backburner, but try making yourself the center of your attention, at least for a little while each day. It might help.

And please, if it is possible, think about maybe speaking with a professional, but do it for you. The rest will fall into place.
Best wishes and lots of hugs,
Gray

[lph]

To me it sounds like that is depression talking. You don't divorce your husband of 13 years, whom you love, because of a few months of blah. Yes, it's normal to feel like room-mates. Yes, it will pass. But depression can play a hoax on your head and make a normal little bump feel like something huge. You do need to talk together or somehow express how you feel, not only about your relationship, but other things that are making you feel miserable. But he can't cure your depression for you. Professional help is probably a good idea, but don't forget the obvious things: less stress, healthy food, enough sleep. I haven't been there, but if you're seriously/clinically depressed, medication can be a good way to catch your balance.

I don't mean to sound flip, but I truly believe that a long relationship takes persistence and patience, and sometimes you just ARE room-mates. And I know first hand how depression can just make everything intolerable. If you're going to think about a divorce, do so when you're "happy", i.e. feeling stable and have been so for several months. That's the only time you can make solid, wellfounded decisions.

Maybe he has no idea you're sad, just sees that you're snippy and annoyed, and don't seem to like him anymore. Maybe he's upset about something else, and isn't aware of how he's pushing it over onto you. Maybe he desperately misses the way it used to be but hasn't got a clue of how to get there, and needs your help.

[Veronica]

We're coming up on 23 years of marriage (I was 6 when we got married. ). Yes, there are times when it's not all perfect. For us communication is very important. He really is my best friend and the person I talk to when I feel like my life sucks.

I bet a lot of it is coming from your job. If you are anything like most of the other teachers I know, you pour your heart and soul into your teaching and when you have a class or classes like you do this year, it just rips you apart. I don't think non teachers quite get this. And you probably feel trapped in education - I know I do. Job security and decent benefits in these economic times...

It sounds like you need to talk to someone. It would be nice if you could talk with your honey, but if you feel weird about that, find someone. Heck, sometimes I just spew it out here on TE, like it's a bad tasting strawberry.

TALK!!!!


Veronica

[alpinerabbit]

Tri Girl,
While I’m not married, I am with my partner for 13 years. We have no kids (dunno if you have, don’ think I heard you mention any).
Of course a relationship is not the same it was back when, especially when you got together quite young.

While I have absolutely no clue about you in truth, I get a feeling that the blues you are mentioning is really dragging you down –it’s the middle of winter ... I had a bout of depression for a period in my life and it made me question everything.

Are you sure there isn’t a lot that you appreciate about the current state of your relationship? Is this the right time to beat yourself up?
Maybe you need to get out and catch some fresh air together?
You really might need some help considering the thoughts you are having. I’ve had them and they are not pretty, and they are not worth having.

Why not seek out a counsellor that will see you, and then if you have worked your personal things and you still feel not sure about the relationship, work on that together ...

Thanks for reading and letting me get this off my chest. I don't have family to talk to, and I don't have many friends to talk to. I feel kinda alone...

I understand you really feel like crap, please don’t despair about everything. There's stuff worth holding on to.