Marriage: it isn't all roses and rainbows

[Biciclista]

Ok, this is what we did. We felt more like roommates and the spark seemed to have been gone. We both noticed that. So, in an effort to improve our marriage, we sat down with a calendar. we marked out one weekend every month using the Almanac to find the best weather windows. And we planned that weekend to be OUR weekend. We planned all sorts of things, hikes, operas, plays, volunteer work, carving on a Haida canoe. Bed and Breakfasts, home dinners, you name it, we did all sorts of stuff. And it really helped.
A marriage is like any other entity. If you don't feed it, it will languish. So go get help for depression, but YOU can help the marriage. take him out to dinner (a surprise) with your calendar and make this year HAPPEN.

it works. (next month, we'll be married 31 years)

[tulip]

I sent you an email (I mean PM).

Lots of good comments here. I would just add that every marriage is different. Only you can know what is best for you.

[sundial]

Ok, this is what we did. We felt more like roommates and the spark seemed to have been gone. We both noticed that. So, in an effort to improve our marriage, we sat down with a calendar. we marked out one weekend every month using the Almanac to find the best weather windows. And we planned that weekend to be OUR weekend. We planned all sorts of things, hikes, operas, plays, volunteer work, carving on a Haida canoe. Bed and Breakfasts, home dinners, you name it, we did all sorts of stuff. And it really helped.
A marriage is like any other entity. If you don't feed it, it will languish. So go get help for depression, but YOU can help the marriage. take him out to dinner (a surprise) with your calendar and make this year HAPPEN.

it works. (next month, we'll be married 31 years)

Mimi the Wise!

[GraysonKelly]

Hugs for you TriGirl! I'm so sorry that things feel so out of control for you right now. That's not a fun feeling.

I don't know if anyone here will agree with me or not and I'm not married but I have involved with the same person for almost 10 years. I can't tell you what is normal or not. You are correct that marriages/relationships ebb and flow for no particular reason. I think almost everyone would agree with that. But I can't tell you what is normal for you relationship. I will say that I think that you need to care for yourself a little bit more and give yourself a break.

You have been dealing with some very stressful stuff and if you don't know it yourself, I'm going to tell you that it's okay for you to be worried for yourself. It is okay for you to be sad, frustrated, overwhelmed. It is okay for you to feel. I know that it is hard when it seems that your marriage is growing stagnant or even sliding into chaos not to find reasons why you might be causing it. But, without knowing you and your husband, it's okay for you to worry about just you. Even when your husband seems unhappy, it is ok for you to step back and say to yourself, "I want and need to worry about taking care of me".

Maybe if you give yourself some time to think about yourself, think about what you need for yourself, from yourself...you'll be able to go to your husband and tell him. It might give you some perspective and might give him some as well.

I'm not saying that you are the problem in your marriage. Not at all. I'm only saying that you've dealt with a heck of lot and you are allowed to give yourself a break. When I was stressing about the same type of issues (including wondering what would happen if I drove my car into something) I sat down and wrote out the stuff that had happened in the last year (which led to things that had happened throughout my life) that stressed me out and made me feel so badly...when I got all that out I reread and realized that if I was reading that list of things written by someone else I would be saying something like "Wow, I'm surprised this person isn't in a straight jacket or on top of a building somewhere with a rifle!" Then I realized that it was a lot to deal with and that I had every right to feel overwhelmed. And that made it easier to start sorting things out. I did go into therapy and that helped tremendously. There is nothing wrong with nor is there anything wrong with your marriage.

Communication is big thing with me but not so much with my partner...that is so incredibly frustrating for me. But I have to do what is best for me and that is talking about what I'm thinking or feeling whether I get a response or not. If you and your husband are not big on communication (verbally) maybe thinking about nonverbal communication would be better.

I'm sorry this is so long and there are probably a lot of people that will disagree with me, but the point of this rather long bit of rambling is that you are allowed to be you, allowed to be an individual, and are allowed to have feelings, thoughts, wants, and needs that are you own independent of your husband or your marriage. Obviously you can't just put your husband on the backburner, but try making yourself the center of your attention, at least for a little while each day. It might help.

And please, if it is possible, think about maybe speaking with a professional, but do it for you. The rest will fall into place.
Best wishes and lots of hugs,
Gray