etiquette question

[Cari]

Did you reserve a hotel room because the wedding will be far away (more than a 2 hour drive), or for convenience? I would think that if the couple sent you a "save the date" card with hotel info *and* they know that you live far enough away that you would have to stay at a hotel, they intended to invite you to the wedding.

On the other hand, it's possible that since sending the save the date cards, the couple has had to reduce the guest list and you may have been left off. In this case, a phone call from the bride or groom would have been a nice gesture. But as Irulan said, a "save the date" is not a firm inviation, so they're not really obligated. (And hotel reservations can usually be canceled without penalty.)

How far off is the wedding? If I'm not mistaken, invites usually get sent out six weeks before the event. If it's more than six weeks away, I'd say wait a little longer.

If the six week mark has passed, I would suggest that you wait until you see the couple and give them the opportunity to bring up the subject themselves. Maybe they won't be able to invite you, but are planning to let you know in person. If they don't bring up the subject and you really think that this might have been an oversight or a case of a lost invitation, then try to talk to either the bride or groom (whomever is closest to you) in private so that you don't put them on the spot.

Hope this helps!

C.

[indysteel]

But as Irulan said, a "save the date" is not a firm inviation, so they're not really obligated.

I disagree. Most of what I've read about about save the dates indicate that while they're not formal invitations, anyone who received one should receive a formal invitation. They're intended to be a courtesy to guests and to insure, especially, that important guests--close friends and family in particular--know of the wedding date well in advance. They are not a license for the bride and groom to freely revise their guest lists. If the guest list must be revised, then the bride and groom should make some effort to politely explain why to the univited guest and to be prepared for some hurt feelings.

The best way to insure against that happening is to send save the dates only to people you're absolutely sure you want to and can invite. You need not send a save the date to everyone on your guest list.

Granted, I think save the dates are just one more element of wedding mania. If I'm close enough to someone to really care about attending their wedding, I will already presumably know the wedding date (from talking to them about it) and will make plans accordingly. If I'm not close enough to them, then I will go to the wedding if it otherwise fits into my plans; there will be no "saving of the date."

Have I mentioned that I plan to elope?

[redrhodie]

Cool! I'm in! Turns out my invite went out later than my friend's because she didn't know my dbf's last name.

Thanks for all the advice! I probably should have waited, but at least now I know I can shop for new shoes.

I really don't know what to wear.

[SadieKate]

. . . at least now I know I can shop for new shoes.

Now we know the real reason for your anxiety.

[redrhodie]

Now we know the real reason for your anxiety.

Can I wear Keens?

[lph]

Only if they're polished to a high sheen and match your dress

[Blueberry]

Glad it got resolved. I had the same thing happen with a save the date card (won't be abbreviating that one...) - except that I really wasn't invited (no idea why), and fell totally out of contact with the couple for years. And I haven't forgotten who didn't RSVP to my (very small) wedding, either. Or who called to say he was bringing uninvited family (we had ~10 people at our wedding, cut it off at aunts and uncles, except for one....)

CA

[tulip]

Glad it got resolved. I had the same thing happen with a save the date card (won't be abbreviating that one...) - except that I really wasn't invited (no idea why), and fell totally out of contact with the couple for years. And I haven't forgotten who didn't RSVP to my (very small) wedding, either. Or who called to say he was bringing uninvited family (we had ~10 people at our wedding, cut it off at aunts and uncles, except for one....)

CA

Sounds like a wedding announcement (after the fact) would have been a better choice to let you and others who were not invited know about the wedding...oh well.

Is it just me or are Save The Date cards a relatively new concept? I was married in 1993 and I certainly hadn't heard of them (and my friend who is Martha Stewart Jr. would have definitely advised me!). I don't think I'll have to worry about sending any out, but it just seems like a new thing.

[Aggie_Ama]

Glad it got resolved. I had the same thing happen with a save the date card (won't be abbreviating that one...) - except that I really wasn't invited (no idea why), and fell totally out of contact with the couple for years. And I haven't forgotten who didn't RSVP to my (very small) wedding, either. Or who called to say he was bringing uninvited family (we had ~10 people at our wedding, cut it off at aunts and uncles, except for one....)

CA

I didn't forget the one who told my new MIL in front of me (THE BRIDE) "I am going to grab a job application, I only came to see if I can get on as a chef at this country club." My husband's cousin who his mother admitted she was hoping wouldn't come! I am sitting there thinking "Good, you can give me $30 for you plate since you are really just here to fish for a job". Her rudeness still runs through my head everytime I see her! Ay-ya-ya. I tell everyone I know to elope.

[Selkie]

Cool! I'm in! Turns out my invite went out later than my friend's because she didn't know my dbf's last name.

Thanks for all the advice! I probably should have waited, but at least now I know I can shop for new shoes.

I really don't know what to wear.

No need for new shoes--wear those Frye Harness Boots!

[Grog]

Why not sidi shoes?

[redrhodie]

No need for new shoes--wear those Frye Harness Boots!

They do go with everything...

[ny biker]

Agreeing with Indysteel here...including the elopement part...

[SheFly]

Have I mentioned that I plan to elope?

Best idea EVER! And I've done the wedding thing both ways .

SheFly