etiquette question

[redrhodie]

This is way off topic.

I got a "save the date" card from a friend of mine, but have not received the wedding invitation. A mutual friend of ours got her invitation over 2 weeks ago. The save the date card had reservation info for hotels, and I booked a room. I am/was planning on attending.

What should I do?

I will be seeing the couple in a couple of weeks. Do I wait and see if they say anything, or should I mention now that I did not receive the invitation, or do I not say anything, and assume I'm not invited if the invitaton doesn't come?

Awkward.

[Irulan]

this came up in miss manners a few weeks ago. Save the Date is not the same as an invitation, and does not hold the same level of commitment.

[SadieKate]

Maybe I'm misunderstanding. But to moi:

--A "save a date" card from the couple is a commitment that they will be sending an invitation.
--A "save a date" card does not require a commitment from the recipient to attend the wedding or RSVP. That comes from the invitation.

If someone sends me a "save a date" card and then doesn't follow up with the invitation, I'd consider them a little lacking in the etiquette departimento -- unless it turns out that it was lost in the mail. I'd say something very innocent when you see them along the lines of "Got my save the date card. When are you sending the invitations?"

[Aggie_Ama]

Some people mail wedding invites in waves, I did because I hand addressed all mine while in school! I would follow Sadie's advice and assume you are invited and try to say something in an innoncent way. I didn't do "Save the Date" because 95% of my guest list was local so I thought it was not important!

[indysteel]

I received a save-the-date email from someone about her own baby shower. It was someone I had just met and barely knew (I do know her parents, however). I thought it was weird that she'd invite me anyway and even weirder that she, and not the hostess of the baby shower, sent the save-the-date email. So, when it turned out that I was not actually invited to the shower, I happily let it go.

That said, I've read a number of things about the topic which suggest that while a save-the-date card is not the same as a formal invitation, you should not "uninvite" someone who received a save-the-date care by simply not sending them an invitation. That's in horribly bad form. I think SK's suggestion to casually mention it is the way to go. They may get flustered or have to admit their faux pas, but so be it. If there's a reason they've had to uninvite you, then they should have the courtesy to at least explain it--and apologize profusely for it.

[shootingstar]

That said, I've read a number of things about the topic which suggest that while a save-the-date card is not the same as a formal invitation, you should not "uninvite" someone who received a save-the-date care by simply not sending them an invitation. That's in horribly bad form.

Makes me wonder if many guys even knew/care about this etiquette point. Just an observation.

I had no idea about this practice of save-the-date practice but my comment reflects that most of my friends are already married, single or divorced..for a long time. I don't quite understand the value of it especially if it should lead to uninviting an informed guest. All I remember were close friends and family members who had to make their "difficult" but cost-saving decisions at the beginning of wedding plan, to either invite a guest just to the church service or an invitation to both the church service and wedding banquent afterwards. At the time of decision-making by the wedding couple, it can be difficult...but cuts down alot of this potential confusion for all guests.

I must come from the wrong social circles ...most brides I've known never took the extra time to recommend hotels if coming from out of town. Unless there's a special hotel deal??

[Cari]

Did you reserve a hotel room because the wedding will be far away (more than a 2 hour drive), or for convenience? I would think that if the couple sent you a "save the date" card with hotel info *and* they know that you live far enough away that you would have to stay at a hotel, they intended to invite you to the wedding.

On the other hand, it's possible that since sending the save the date cards, the couple has had to reduce the guest list and you may have been left off. In this case, a phone call from the bride or groom would have been a nice gesture. But as Irulan said, a "save the date" is not a firm inviation, so they're not really obligated. (And hotel reservations can usually be canceled without penalty.)

How far off is the wedding? If I'm not mistaken, invites usually get sent out six weeks before the event. If it's more than six weeks away, I'd say wait a little longer.

If the six week mark has passed, I would suggest that you wait until you see the couple and give them the opportunity to bring up the subject themselves. Maybe they won't be able to invite you, but are planning to let you know in person. If they don't bring up the subject and you really think that this might have been an oversight or a case of a lost invitation, then try to talk to either the bride or groom (whomever is closest to you) in private so that you don't put them on the spot.

Hope this helps!

C.

[GLC1968]

We used 'Save the Date' cards for our wedding for two reasons. 1) 90% of our guests were coming from far away (plane ride far) and 2) we got married in FL during spring break season and hotels & airfare were hard to come by...

We sent them out with hotel info so that people could get a head start. We also blocked off rooms at three different costs of hotels both to get better rates and to make sure there was enough loging available for our guests.

That said, to send a STD but not invite the person is horribly tacky. It's a pain to get the STD's with hotel info out in advance, so I can't see why anyone would do it unless they plan to invite those people.

In your case, my guess is that either the invite got lost in the mail or that they are sending them out in waves and yours is on the way (though, 2 weeks is a pretty big wave). I would absolutely ask the bride though - it's not like it's a secret party or anything. I'd be crushed if someone from far away wanted to attend my wedding and a stupid misunderstanding or a lost invite made that impossible. Ask her. You are breaking NO etiquette rules by doing so....

[SadieKate]

That said, to send a STD but not invite the person is horribly tacky.

Actually, sending a STD is tacky no matter what. Beyond tacky.

[Aggie_Ama]

Actually, sending a STD is tacky no matter what. Beyond tacky.

I just spit apple on my work computer. Great now I have to go find that LCD cleaner so the IT guys don't get mad. There goes my break- thanks Sadie!

[redrhodie]

Actually, a StD was appropriate in this case. The wedding is in Boston the same weekend as the marathon, and lots of guests will be travelling. Booking a room within 6 weeks would be problematic.

Thanks for the insight so far. Thinking about how to word an email to the bride. I think I will wait another week in case it comes.

I have gotten 2 pieces of mail delivered to my box that were not mine last week, so there is an issue with my mail.

[Aggie_Ama]

I have gotten 2 pieces of mail delivered to my box that were not mine last week, so there is an issue with my mail.

Well you could say that. And you could also say you just wanted to not be "that person" that didn't RSVP. I have been married 5 years I still remember who didn't RSVP.

[SadieKate]

I just spit apple on my work computer. Great now I have to go find that LCD cleaner so the IT guys don't get mad. There goes my break- thanks Sadie!

Here you go.

http://www.raincitystory.com/flash/screenclean.swf

This acronym is sort of like VD for Valentine's Day and should probably be avoided.

[redrhodie]

Oh, my...STD went right over my head.

That would be tacky.

[indysteel]

But as Irulan said, a "save the date" is not a firm inviation, so they're not really obligated.

I disagree. Most of what I've read about about save the dates indicate that while they're not formal invitations, anyone who received one should receive a formal invitation. They're intended to be a courtesy to guests and to insure, especially, that important guests--close friends and family in particular--know of the wedding date well in advance. They are not a license for the bride and groom to freely revise their guest lists. If the guest list must be revised, then the bride and groom should make some effort to politely explain why to the univited guest and to be prepared for some hurt feelings.

The best way to insure against that happening is to send save the dates only to people you're absolutely sure you want to and can invite. You need not send a save the date to everyone on your guest list.

Granted, I think save the dates are just one more element of wedding mania. If I'm close enough to someone to really care about attending their wedding, I will already presumably know the wedding date (from talking to them about it) and will make plans accordingly. If I'm not close enough to them, then I will go to the wedding if it otherwise fits into my plans; there will be no "saving of the date."

Have I mentioned that I plan to elope?