Marriage: it isn't all roses and rainbows

[OakLeaf]

You are not alone. But I don't have any words of wisdom.

Therapy has been a godsend for me (not currently doing it but did for many years), but our one attempt at couples counseling was a disaster (for many reasons, but the therapist herself has at least half the responsibility IMO) and DH won't try that again.

Along those same lines, I think it's absolutely critical that each partner confront h/h own issues in individual therapy before, or at a minimum concurrently with, couples therapy. Two unhealthy individuals have no hope of becoming a healthy couple. A therapist hired to treat the couple really can't get too deeply into individual issues that might create a conflict of interest.

But there are other ways to get into a healthy emotional state at least partially. Is Yoga or meditation or bodywork something that you and your DH can undertake?


PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE talk to someone about your suicidal feelings. Drugs are the only thing that makes the thoughts go away for me but therapy helped me learn that the thoughts are not "real," that I do NOT want to commit suicide even when I have the thoughts. (Which was near constant, before drugs.) I'm hearing the same thing from you... PLEASE don't let suicide become something you try OR something that you beat yourself up for not trying. PLEASE.

[Irulan]

You are not alone. But I don't have any words of wisdom.

Therapy has been a godsend for me (not currently doing it but did for many years), but our one attempt at couples counseling was a disaster (for many reasons, but the therapist herself has at least half the responsibility IMO) and DH won't try that again.

Along those same lines, I think it's absolutely critical that each partner confront h/h own issues in individual therapy before, or at a minimum concurrently with, couples therapy. Two unhealthy individuals have no hope of becoming a healthy couple. A therapist hired to treat the couple really can't get too deeply into individual issues that might create a conflict of interest.

But there are other ways to get into a healthy emotional state at least partially. Is Yoga or meditation or bodywork something that you and your DH can undertake?


PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE talk to someone about your suicidal feelings. Drugs are the only thing that makes the thoughts go away for me but therapy helped me learn that the thoughts are not "real," that I do NOT want to commit suicide even when I have the thoughts. (Which was near constant, before drugs.) I'm hearing the same thing from you... PLEASE don't let suicide become something you try OR something that you beat yourself up for not trying. PLEASE.

I really wish we had a "I'm with stupid" emoticon. This is very good advice.

My story shares some parallels with Oakleaf, although for me ( us) marriage counseling was a huge success.

Sounds to me like you guys are way beyond needing to schedule a date night, and some sort of professional support is needed to facilitate communication and getting beyond the symptoms here. Depressive issues and lack of communication can have a huge dynamic on a marriage relationship.

Me? Married 25+ years. We've been through depressions, substance abuse, emotional withdrawal and more. A good marriage counselor ( and some individual counseling) gave us the tools to rebuild, and I know have the marriage I could have only dreamed of 10-15 years ago.

It's pretty much a fact that if one divorces before they deal with the underlying issues/factors/emotional baggage, they are pretty doomed to get into similar situations.

Irulan.





Good luck.

[salsabike]

You asked how to find a counselor. The best way is to start talking to the friends you have where you live. If any of them are in counseling--and you can be sure some of them are---ask them if they like and respect their counselors, if their counselors are SMART (it's not good to get with a counselor who's not as smart as you are), if they help them look at things they hadn't seen before, and help them see new options. Word of mouth, through people you think reasonably well of, is a good way to find a good counselor.

[Irulan]

You asked how to find a counselor. The best way is to start talking to the friends you have where you live. If any of them are in counseling--and you can be sure some of them are---ask them if they like and respect their counselors, if their counselors are SMART (it's not good to get with a counselor who's not as smart as you are), if they help them look at things they hadn't seen before, and help them see new options. Word of mouth, through people you think reasonably well of, is a good way to find a good counselor.

I got a great rec from my Family MD.

[katluvr]

I guess I can say "ditto" to most here.
I am not sure who talked about the "mid winter blues". I think "I" am also feeling that. But I call it the "rut". When work and routine take hold. Me and my partner are doing less "riding" and "goofing" off on weekends. We are working --and not in love w/ our jobs -- and not doing much else. So what is there to talk about? It is just work, come home, work out, fix dinner, watch TV, sleep and repeat. I know a weekend ago when we got out of town for a charity run, we had the best time. We did nothing special...but we did not "snap" at each other the entire time. That even includes driving, getting lost AND getting up at "before the crack of dawn" to be at the race way earlier that I wanted to get there. Since we got back home, kinda back in the rut. But I see light at the end of the tunnel. It is really hard when you get to the 10+ year mark. Talk about "routine" setting in.
So "ditto" this is normal.
But "ditto" don't let too much of this worry you.
BUT "ditto" don't ignore it. I am using it as my "wake up call" to be sure the routine or rut does not turn into a big divide that can't be fixed.
I need to re-read all these posts to make sure I use the useful advise myself.
Good luck!

[lph]

GraysonKelly had a great point about writing out stuff that has happened to you or you've had to deal with, and imagining someone else going through the same stuff. Imagining what you would say to, or how you would help a friend in your situation, can be a great way of gaining some perspective when you feel bogged down and hopeless.

Hang in there!

[tulip]

Writing things down in a journal really help me clarify things. I wish I had started writing earlier, and I wish I were more consistent now. Thanks for the reminder, Grayson and lph.

[Duck on Wheels]

Many wise words have been sent already. I agree with them. After 34 years of marriage, it hasn't been all roses. There were few months once we weren't even on speaking terms, until I decided I had to brave it and start us talking again. Talking is scary when the person you need to open up to, even potentially argue with, is a person you don't want to risk estranging. But if you don't talk, then estrangement is almost inevitable. And avoiding that is worthwhile. Even after 34 years and several crises, there are still times -- a quick joke, a comment that goes right to the heart of some news issue, a glimpse of his *ss in bike shorts -- when I feel like I've just fallen in love with him all over again. So I "second" all those who've recommended that you make the effort!

But remember too that your partner is not your therapist, even if s/he may be one professionally. So those thoughts about wrecking your car ...? Expect some loving support from your husband, but use that support as a boost to seek professional help. I've been there too. I asked friends if they knew of someone, got a good suggestion from a couple of them, and got an appointment. She helped me see the world through new perspectives. She even taught me some handy self-hypnosis techniques for dealing with pain (I occasionally get mega-tough stomach cramps from Crohns). She didn't prescribe any anti-depressives, and later they've been found to sometimes have negative effects. If you have a good therapist and s/he prescribes them then be glad they're available, but call the therapist immediately if you feel new suicidal urges!