How To Not Sweat The Small Stuff?

[OakLeaf]

Maybe I don't belong on this thread...

That's what makes it so tough, that it is a continuum. I'm reading all this with interest. But it's things like, I KNOW I waste more energy (not to mention water) with my "need" for daily showers than DH does by leaving the TV, XBox, DVR, and lights on for hours when he's not using them but at least I'm getting some freakin' benefit from the showers. Should we both try harder to conserve more (which begs the question of how I should react to HIS wastefulness in OUR household)? Should I give up turning the lights off after him because my habits on balance are more wasteful? Or? Or???

[Irulan]

if it were me, I'd see two choices.
1. turn everything off all the time and quit complaining about it
2. ignore it, don't complain about it.

[Crankin]

I have Blue Cross PPO. They cover everything and rarely a question asked. Perhaps it is the fact that MA has strict laws about providing mental health services? Not everyone has the same benefits I have, but even when I had my cheap teacher's insurance in AZ, they covered some payment.
It's worth it to check, though.
Or, Norse, you could investigate one of the religiously affiliated family services agencies. You don't have to be Jewish to go to Jewish Family Service, or Catholic to go to Catholic Charities. And, they have a sliding scale. They don't preach their values to their clients.

[shootingstar]

Hope there are solutions for the perfectionist tendencies.

I was never a perfectionist..but admittedly I have had control tendencies..at different times in life. Usually when I am dissatisfied or unhappy with life in general, then I overfocus on the wrong stuff.

[badger]

I'm a total control freak. I need to be in control of things or I can get antsy.

Ironically, even though I'm in need of control, I have a very hard time with decision making. In fact, it drives me insane how indecisive I can be sometimes, like one part of me just wants to say "oh for crying out loud, just pick one!"

I also have struggled with anxiety/panic disorder in the past and I have a feeling all these issues probably come out of having low self esteem.

So I echo others' suggestions on seeing a therapist. I haven't seen one in years, but going to a psychologist for my anxiety/panic really helped.

[emily_in_nc]

Ironically, even though I'm in need of control, I have a very hard time with decision making. In fact, it drives me insane how indecisive I can be sometimes, like one part of me just wants to say "oh for crying out loud, just pick one!"

That's part of perfectionism. You want the decision to be "perfect", and you can see flaws in each side, so you can't decide, since whichever choice you make may end up imperfect. Thus, the paralysis of decision making. The book I read (years ago) about perfectionism talked a lot about how indecisiveness actually relates right back to perfectionism. I hadn't thought of that, but it makes a lot of sense.

[Crankin]

One of the things that helped me greatly was participating in a Mindfulness Stress Reduction clinic. If you look on the web under Jon Kabat-Zinn, you will find his books. Even if you can only do some of the breathing exercises, practicing mindfulness, and yoga, it will help. This doesn't target OCD specifically, but it gives you tools for looking at life in a different way.
I am in a holistically oriented counseling master's program. This is one of the things we have studied a lot. There's tons of research to support it and it isn't considered "weird" by medical professionals anymore.
You could also consider getting some beginning meditation or relaxation tapes/cds. All of this stuff can help.
And what someone said about the time/money issue being a way to avoid looking at yourself in a way that is not comfortable is really true. There's a lot of help out there.

[shootingstar]

In my previous job I was probably more of control freak...probably a reflection I wasn't totally happy with the work situation.

In this new job, last wk. I was astonished when I learned from the manager that I report to, a quality assurance check method..that I personally would never waste staff time and money. It was to my mind, a reflection of control freakish, perfectionist tendencies.

But I didn't say anything to her.

Certain professions inherently can cause perfectionist tendencies, I see this in some of my colleagues. What brings a person back to earth, is to deal with clients who are far from perfectionist.

[ny biker]

That's what makes it so tough, that it is a continuum. I'm reading all this with interest. But it's things like, I KNOW I waste more energy (not to mention water) with my "need" for daily showers than DH does by leaving the TV, XBox, DVR, and lights on for hours when he's not using them but at least I'm getting some freakin' benefit from the showers. Should we both try harder to conserve more (which begs the question of how I should react to HIS wastefulness in OUR household)? Should I give up turning the lights off after him because my habits on balance are more wasteful? Or? Or???

Well I need a good shower to get me going in the morning. But I did go out and buy a new shower head that uses 1.5 gallons per minute, vs. the normal 2.5. The pressure isn't as good as the old one but it's still sufficient, and I'm glad I'm able to use less water. (It's a Waterpik - I got it at Target.)

Anyway I don't think the two behaviors have to be related. I mean, they are and they aren't. They are if both of you sit down and agree to compromise - I'll do something about my showers, and you turn things off, and the whole household benefits.

But in a way they're not related. Why should the lights be left on just because someone uses hot water every day? Or vice versa. Using x units of energy is better than using (x + y) units.

As for how to react to his wastefulness, I think that depends on whether this is just one annoying habit from an otherwise unannoying person, or if there's a pattern of not helping out, compromising, respecting other people's feelings, etc.

[Norse]

(which begs the question of how I should react to HIS wastefulness in OUR household)? Should I give up turning the lights off after him because my habits on balance are more wasteful? Or? Or???

Too funny. This is one of my problems exactly! Complaining that DP's wastefulness, while not grand in the scheme of things is none the less contributing to the destruction of our planet has not gotten me anywhere. I guess I should take Irulan's advice and go around turning off the lights after her and stop complaining. I don't know what I can do, however, about DP's deforestation project in the overexuberent use of TP.

[tulip]

I think worrying about DP's TP is really sweating the small stuff on the surface, but maybe not (read on). We each must decide if it's small stuff or not. In my case, I put up with years of small stuff, biting my tongue, not making a fuss. Much of the small stuff was actually signs of much larger stuff: lack of respect for me and my time. Yes, I could wait to be picked up at the subway station another 20 minutes (we shared a car), again, and I bit my tongue many, but it really came down to a lack of respect. There was no reason that a 2 mile trip to the Metro station should take 20-30 minutes unless the one who's doing the picking up decided that his time was more valuable than my time and so therefore refused to leave to pick me up on time. There were many examples like that, some small and some very large. Needless to say, I'm not there anymore, I have my own car, I determine when and where I go.

For me it was about time and life's opportunities, not about leaving lights on. My time is irreplaceable and when opportunities come up sometimes you have to snatch them (but if the other person prevents you from taking that opportunity, it's a problem). For some people, leaving lights on uses earth resources that are irreplaceable and that's a big thing. Or it might be the fact that leaving the lights on all the time is a sign of disrespecting the other person.

By the way, counseling really helped me through these things. It's covered in my insurance, but even if it wasn't I would still pay for it if I possibly could. It's so important; I had no idea how important it was to me until I did it for a while. Wow. I have my life back.

[indysteel]

I think in the very least that it might be worth your while to get evaluated by a mental health provider to determine whether your tendency to control and/or obsess about things is just a garden variety personality quirck or something more serious like generalized anxiety disorder or OCD. I certainly don't want to assume anything from your post....

Even if it is just a personality quirck, I agree with Tulip that counseling can change your life and is well worth the cost.

[Norse]

Many good thoughts here, thank you everyone. I will try to remember to report back later, perhaps in 3 months, with hopefully a progress and not a regression report.