How To Not Sweat The Small Stuff?

[Norse]

In the menopause string, Karen stated: "I think the people who live the longest just don't sweat all that small stuff...it's all small stuff!"

I believe this is correct and that it also makes for more pleasant relationships. My problem, however, is that my genes are programmed otherwise. I am a bit of a control freak, very organized and I like things a certain way. My sister, dad, dad's mother, .... we are ALL this way. I have repeatedly tried telling myself to let go of something, don't let that bother me, bite my tongue and don't nag for goodness' sakes, but then ... even if I am telling myself, "Don't say it, don't say it, don't say it...." I inevitably, do. On the one hand, I immediately wish I had not. On the other, I am thinking something like: "I asked DP to do that 3 times already and it still was not done, needed to get done and it was not my task to do." Another example, the nature of my work often means things pop up unexpectedly, requiring urgent attention that throws off what I was planning on getting to that morning, day.... It takes me awhile to adjust mentally and physically. Not healthy.

Simply telling myself to let go or to not say something seems not to work when the moment arises. I would really like to not sweat the small stuff. Any ideas on how I can begin to let go of this junk?

[Irulan]

It's one step forward, two steps back. I went through some "stuff" where it was imperative I learn some new behaviors. Thinking about it is not enough. What tools have you given yourself?

Sometimes, just choosing to not say anything at all is a really good first step. Practicing saying "uh huh" or "I see" instead of offering your opinion.

Use the Serenity Prayer:

God ( or whomever/whaterver you pray to)
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Break things off into sizable goals. An example might be, "just for this one day I will not make snarky comments about my mother in law/co worker/husband/job/kids etc". Don't worry about what you are going to do about it tomorrow, just worry about doing one thing different for one day only. I forget what the number is on how many times you have to do a new behavior before it becomes habit.

It's not in your genes, it's learned behavior in your family patterns. Therefore, you can unlearn it.
Practice saying, "no".
Give people the dignity of running their own lives, making their own mistakes and learning to be accountable for them.

Think to yourself, "what is the worst thing that will happen if I do not interfere, comment, try to run a situation..." Usually it's not that bad - see the above about giving people the dignity of running their own lives.

Remember, there's only one God and you aren't it.

[tulip]

It helps me to remember that I cannot control the people around me. But I CAN control my reaction to them.

[ASammy1]

Wow. This thread reminds me of that book "Co-Dependent No More" by Melanie Beattie. I think I might need to read that again.

[emily_in_nc]

I am a bit of a control freak, very organized and I like things a certain way. My sister, dad, dad's mother, .... we are ALL this way. I have repeatedly tried telling myself to let go of something, don't let that bother me, bite my tongue and don't nag for goodness' sakes, but then ... even if I am telling myself, "Don't say it, don't say it, don't say it...." I inevitably, do. On the one hand, I immediately wish I had not. On the other, I am thinking something like: "I asked DP to do that 3 times already and it still was not done, needed to get done and it was not my task to do." Another example, the nature of my work often means things pop up unexpectedly, requiring urgent attention that throws off what I was planning on getting to that morning, day.... It takes me awhile to adjust mentally and physically. Not healthy.

All I can say is that I'm just like you. I know it's not healthy, but it is soooo hard to change! I read a book about perfectionistic personalities years ago, and it fit me to a "t". I will be reading the responses on this thread. I particularly like Irulan's suggestion of just listening and practicing saying "uh-huh" or "I see". I really need to try that instead of always jumping in with an opinion. My mind (and mouth) are so often running in overdrive it is hard to "butt out" and just listen....

[shootingstar]

It helps me to remember that I cannot control the people around me. But I CAN control my reaction to them.

That is a helpful starting point.

One would like to believe that one can think larger and bigger as one gets abit older after seeing things piecemeal or in different parts.

What has helped me abit is that even though the areas of knowledge I think I know alot about because I may have had alot of exposure or been deeply part of a particular world, I still don't know much. The constant learning mode and learning attitude has served me best to keep me from wanting to control and have things my way or not learn of unpleasant truths.

But the unsettling part is to learn of own's one control freakishness via a 2nd party or 3rd party you barely know.

[Irulan]

particularly like Irulan's suggestion of just listening and practicing saying "uh-huh" or "I see".

oh thanks. It's a good one too if you are trying to choose to react differently, but aren't sure what that is yet.

[Over50Newbie]

I can totally relate to this topic.

To say that I was a "control freak" is an understatement. I was an over the top control freak my whole life.

Notice that I wrote the above sentences in the past tense. That's because I have good news to share.

I am 54 years old. Approximately 10 years ago, I finally realized that I was miserable and my control problems were ruining my life.

So at age 44, I decided to go into therapy. No doubt about it, counseling was hard. But it was soooo worth it! I finally broke through some very painful childhood barriers and was finally able to give up my control issues. I now look back at all that hard work and say, "What took me so long to start counseling?" I wish I had done it sooner in my life.

So my advice to you is to consider counseling. I was not able to do it alone - I needed professional help. And asking for help is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of strength.

I hope I am not offending you with my post. This is just what worked for me. I am finally happy!

Lynette

[Norse]

No offense taken. I actually did think of counseling but really do not have the time and would prefer not to spend the money. Which is why I turned to my TE sisters! What a wealth of knowledge and information in these forums.... I have received good advice on everything from saddle sores to peri-menopausal issues.

Emily, I am indeed a perfectionist, which has always served me well in the academic and, to some extent, work worlds, but not so well elsewhere.

Irulan and Tulip, thank you for your thoughts - I actually took some of those gems and printed them off so that I can keep reminding myself to try these things. I read somewhere that you should try biting your tongue for one week. I repeatedly tried this, and repeatedly failed. Irulan, I really like your suggestion of trying one day at a time. I think that starting with one week is an unrealistic goal (we are talking years, decades of this behavior pattern), but one day, that I can shoot for. I started last night.

First, not a tongue biting exercise but a situation I cannot control: riding the bus home; got the driver who is afraid to use the freeway shoulder - where buses can legally go - and therefore he sat us in stuck traffic for awhile; started to feel my BP rising and breath shortening; reminded myself there was nothing I could do to change this; sat back and enjoyed listening to some more David Sedaris on my MP3 player.

Next, at home: no nagging, no correcting of DP. Of course, I can always see so many ways to do things better.

Today, I am trying a full day's effort. Halfway through and so far so good, especially since we met with a new boss today (quite a test!).

[Crankin]

Norse, if you work, look into any employee assistance program they have. Usually this includes 4-5 sessions w/ a counselor. It doesn't cost anything. If you have this benefit and then want to continue, the counselor can refer you to someone who would meet your needs.
Health insurance pays for counseling! Even if you have limited benefits for this (though many states have mental health parity laws now), you could benefit from short term work, especially since you are motivated to change.
This is for you; same as time for riding, running, etc. Change is sometimes hard without some help.

[Irulan]

Health insurance pays for counseling!

wow, you must have a good plan. I haven't had a health plan that covered counseling in 10+ years.

[Pax]

When you feel the control urge growing, notice how it feels in your body. You tense up, you start breathing shallow, you mentally clench up and FOCUS on the urge...

Take a breath, relax your hands and shoulders. Take a few more breaths, shrug your shoulders and flex your hands. While you're doing this stay in the moment, be very aware of your breathing and conscious of you body, focus on the moment.

[ny biker]

Personally, I would notify the bus service that they need to remind their drivers to use the shoulders where it is legal to avoid sitting in traffic. Citing specific bus route, date and time so they know who needs re-training.

Maybe I don't belong on this thread...

[OakLeaf]

Maybe I don't belong on this thread...

That's what makes it so tough, that it is a continuum. I'm reading all this with interest. But it's things like, I KNOW I waste more energy (not to mention water) with my "need" for daily showers than DH does by leaving the TV, XBox, DVR, and lights on for hours when he's not using them but at least I'm getting some freakin' benefit from the showers. Should we both try harder to conserve more (which begs the question of how I should react to HIS wastefulness in OUR household)? Should I give up turning the lights off after him because my habits on balance are more wasteful? Or? Or???

[Irulan]

if it were me, I'd see two choices.
1. turn everything off all the time and quit complaining about it
2. ignore it, don't complain about it.