but how do I forgive myself that it was all my fault?... that if I hadn't criticized him he would still be here I hate myself... he was the kindnest man in the world, and I didn't appreciate him because I was afraid of getting too close and him hurting me... it's so fvked up and I'm so sad
It may not be all your fault. He's got issues too, you know.
In a healthy relationship, we recognize our faults and our mate's faults and we live with them as best we can. People do make mistakes and one should be able to apologize, move forward, and learn how to not repeat destructive behaviors ( change yourself, not them). We also have to learn how to accept others and our own imperfections. God is the only perfect being.

If you are really concerned that somehow your behavior damaged the relationship, maybe it's time to work with a competent therapist. You might find out whether your expectations within a relationship are appropriate. what are your fears and why they might be getting in the way, etc. Chances are very good that if you don't address some of this stuff, you will be doomed to repeat it.

just my two cents, take it or leave it.