Please share: Relationships, Engagement and Marriage

[ASammy1]

I didn't mean to come off as gloating and I apologize if I offended. And you are absolutely right that the situation is very sad. I feel terrible for the baby. I was merely trying to show just how bad it was for me and how life did a complete 180. Maybe it was in bad taste on my part and for that I apologize.

[Blueberry]

I don't think you came off as gloating. Certainly sounds like it would have benefited her to listen to you as you were going through that situation. I have every sympathy for the child - but the friend who knowingly put herself in that situation - I have a hard time.

CA

[Irulan]

How can this be applied to the OP's request for wisdom, the good and the bad, help in understanding relationships...

I'm of the mind to comment that when relationships go bad (and I've been there, as close to divorce as you can get and not actually be there) it's never just one person's fault. It's always easy to point a finger and blame, but it's rarely the actions of just one person that makes a relationship go bad. The choices that build up to bad situations may not always be obvious, and we may not even be aware of them as they may be part of our internal baggage that we all have.

The best thing that ever happened to DH and me was a very good marriage counselor, a no nonsense type who got us both to pull our heads out of our asses and quit finger pointing, and to look at ourselves: both of us. It was really really tough as it is so much easier to blame everything that goes wrong on the other person.

I feel blessed to this day that underneath it all we both wanted to fix it, and were willing to do whatever it took - I know that is not always the case, and that some things aren't fixable. It was very very tough. I think plenty of folks would have bailed and not stuck it out, and maybe even repeated the same mistakes that got them into the place they were at becuase they didn't get at the root of it. And Ladies, I'm talking some messy, ugly stuff. I'll spare you the details. But we did it, we stuck it out and rebuilt, and I have a marriage I only could have dreamed of 10 years ago.

i.

[Meaux]

I met my husband when I was 21 and he was 18. We worked together at Barnes and Noble. We started dating a few months later. I had just gotten out of a very intense, but short, relationship and was not at all interested in dating anyone. We have been together for seven years, and have been married for three. He has supported me through finishing college, my father's death, and making the agonizing decision to go back to school and change my career. He is truly my partner and my best friend. I can't say that our marriage is easy, but I will say that because we work at it, it is a lot sweeter. I truly believe that love comes in the strangest places when you are not looking for it.

[michelem]

Irulan,

Thanks so much for sharing. What words of wisdom! And what an inspiration to us all.

[Irulan]

Irulan,

Thanks so much for sharing. What words of wisdom! And what an inspiration to us all.

well thank you but it's only MY experience. There's a lot of different experience out there- a whole range of them. And everyone has different approaches, attitudes and awarenesses ( or not) that affect what their relationship experiences will be. This thread is a great example of the range of things people go through.

[michelem]

Irulan,

So true, but I relate to yours the most!

[smilingcat]

I wish I could have read this about 25 years ago... Wonderful advice and thoughts.

Well my ex- didn't respect me nor the marriage. didn't show up at appointments with counselors. Even changed counselors because my ex felt that the counselor was siding with me! and wasn't being impartial. did a no show on more than half the time. When my ex did show it was for the last 5 minuts of the appointment. It was awkward just sitting at the marriage counselors office like that. I always ended up apologizing for wasting their time.

I thanked my couselors for at least trying and they wished me well. The divorce was very much acrimonious, long and drawn out. I ended up having to pay alimony to my ex. for just over 3 years.

-------------------
Yes it has lot to do with respecting each other, respecting each others needs and desires. It's about working together.

When I was going through my protracted divorce, I met a woman who was going through her crazy divorce. We shared stories and became best of friends. We cried and laughed together and we supported each other in those difficult emotional times. And now she shares my house with me and she is my partner. We are the best of buds. Sometimes we disagree but I really value her for being her. She makes me laugh, she keeps me grounded. I can't make her laugh as much but I'm almost always there for her when she needs a friend.

We've been best of friends for past 17 years and I don't think either of us had to raise our voices at each other. We laugh together at my expense. And we overlook each others fault. I know I have mine and I have a pretty big skelton closet. She has hers too. But we do our best to ignore them. My partner is more of the artist type, very creative and I'm always awed by what she creates. My upbringing was "warm" in some respect in other respect it was harsh. My father has an MD degree with Phd in biochem. And I think he was a Rhode scholar? My mother doesn't say much. I being the eldest was expected to get both. So I tend to be bit more self critical and analytical. This is one of many faults I have. And because of all the faults we each have, we overlook it. Like the saying, "don't throw rocks in a glass house"

Its about give a lot take a little. I'm really happy to have my best friend and we share our lives together. We don't consider ourselves lesbians not that its bad or good. We just don't think we fit that mold. We are best of friends, a family (bit odd perhaps)...

smilingcat