Please share: Relationships, Engagement and Marriage

[tulip]

Lastly, I read a quote once about marriage and about how you wouldn't disown a parent or grandparent because you "grew apart".

But I would wager that most of us do not live with our parents or grandparents, nor do we want to, particularly in an intimate way. Parents/grandparent relationship is very different from any kind of matrimonial relationship--however you define it.

If the marriage has no soul left, for whatever reason, why stay in a marriage? My marriage was great for the first seven years, just okay for the next four, and then it really went down hill for the last two. The story wrapped up, no need to drag it out any longer. Could we have done things differently? Easy to say Yes now, with hindsight.

It's so easy to judge people who break up or divorce, but I can tell you that it's very difficult and heartbreaking, and also sometimes extremely necessary.

Best wishes for you Ana, on your life's adventures and whatever paths you decide to travel upon.

[Biciclista]

It's so easy to judge people who break up or divorce, but I can tell you that it's very difficult and heartbreaking, and also sometimes extremely necessary.

Best wishes for you Ana, on your life's adventures and whatever paths you decide to travel upon.

I'm sorry if you felt judged by what we have said. The fact is, my marriage went through some very rough times, including separations.
But one day we looked at each other and realized we were starting to go through the motions. We loved each other too much to watch our marriage go down the tubes. So the both of us (and that's the key, it takes TWO people
to make a marriage work) sat down and scheduled an entire year of weekends, one a month, which would be OUR time. We scheduled hikes, movies, ferry rides, bike rides, all sorts of things that we would do together, our time. It brought joy and romance back into our marriage. and, in fact,
I actually started riding my bike seriously because I realized that my DH and I didn't have any activities any longer that we both liked to do. AND NOW LOOK AT US!

The originator of this thread asked us what worked for us, and this is what worked for me.

[Pax]

I'm sorry if you felt judged by what we have said. The fact is, my marriage went through some very rough times, including separations.
But one day we looked at each other and realized we were starting to go through the motions. We loved each other too much to watch our marriage go down the tubes. So the both of us (and that's the key, it takes TWO people
to make a marriage work) sat down and scheduled an entire year of weekends, one a month, which would be OUR time. We scheduled hikes, movies, ferry rides, bike rides, all sorts of things that we would do together, our time. It brought joy and romance back into our marriage. and, in fact,
I actually started riding my bike seriously because I realized that my DH and I didn't have any activities any longer that we both liked to do. AND NOW LOOK AT US!

The originator of this thread asked us what worked for us, and this is what worked for me.

Thanks for posting that Mimi, those are some great ideas! My honey and I are doing well but her job takes so much time that weeks go by and we'll realize we haven't spent any time together...I like to idea of scheduling it instead of hoping for it.

[mtbdarby]

I'm sorry if you felt judged by what we have said. The fact is, my marriage went through some very rough times, including separations.
But one day we looked at each other and realized we were starting to go through the motions. We loved each other too much to watch our marriage go down the tubes. So the both of us (and that's the key, it takes TWO people
to make a marriage work) sat down and scheduled an entire year of weekends, one a month, which would be OUR time. We scheduled hikes, movies, ferry rides, bike rides, all sorts of things that we would do together, our time. It brought joy and romance back into our marriage. and, in fact,
I actually started riding my bike seriously because I realized that my DH and I didn't have any activities any longer that we both liked to do. AND NOW LOOK AT US!

The originator of this thread asked us what worked for us, and this is what worked for me.

Such great advice! Mimi and Irulan - I love hearing about how you make/have made your marriages work. Such wisdom...

Although I am divorced I do not consider that relationship a failure. For me it was a vast learning experience and I would never have learned who I am or what I need from a relationship if it hadn't been for those 13 years.

To quote Dr. Phil "if the cost of being in a relationship is more than the cost of being yourself, than the cost is too much."

I learned to not give up "me" in a relationship. Compromise yes, but not at the cost of changing who I am. Resentment can build at an amazing pace.

It does take two people to make a relationship work but it only takes one person to tear it apart. If the other person wants out and is not willing to try, there is nothing you can do to change that other person. You just have to take care of yourself.

You have to be happy with who you are. You can not rely on someone else to make you happy.

Echoing the others...people are not mind readers. You have to be able to communicate.

Mistakes happen. Do not keep bringing up your partners mistakes in the present. You have to learn to forgive and LET GO.

I've been divorced for 3 years now. I'm happy with who I am and where I'm at and I'm not sure I'm ready to be in a relationship yet or ever. Maybe it's just what Geonz (Sue) said

Dar

[RolliePollie]

I've really enjoyed reading through this thread. Ana, I'm so glad you asked the question!

I'm 34, single, never married, never really had a long term relationship, and currently have no prospects. Lately I've started to realize I've pretty much given up on ever finding anyone, and unfortunately I'm starting to feel a little bitter about it. Reading all of these posts makes me realize how much I do want a relationship! It's just so hard to find a good guy (or any guy at all!)...and I'm not good at meeting new people. But I'm really good at being single and on my own, and I'm proud of myself for being independent. So if the right guy comes along, I'll be absolutely thrilled. But I'm not getting my hopes up!

[badger]

I've really enjoyed reading through this thread. Ana, I'm so glad you asked the question!

I'm 34, single, never married, never really had a long term relationship, and currently have no prospects. Lately I've started to realize I've pretty much given up on ever finding anyone, and unfortunately I'm starting to feel a little bitter about it. Reading all of these posts makes me realize how much I do want a relationship! It's just so hard to find a good guy (or any guy at all!)...and I'm not good at meeting new people. But I'm really good at being single and on my own, and I'm proud of myself for being independent. So if the right guy comes along, I'll be absolutely thrilled. But I'm not getting my hopes up!

I was 33 when I met my boyfriend. I, too, haven't had any meaningful long-term relationships and was wondering if there was anything wrong, or I just wasn't meant to be with anyone.

As trite as it was, I gave online dating a go. I was specific, I wrote down all that I wanted, and all that I DIDN'T want. I also just put my "ad" out, and didn't look at any of the guys' profiles. I just waited for what took my bait.

I'm glad that you're not wallowing and waiting for a guy to come along and change your life; you're going about your life and enjoying it. A guy should complement, not complete or complicate your life. I wish you all the best finding that special guy!

[shootingstar]

I'm 34, single, never married, never really had a long term relationship, and currently have no prospects. Lately I've started to realize I've pretty much given up on ever finding anyone, and unfortunately I'm starting to feel a little bitter about it. Reading all of these posts makes me realize how much I do want a relationship! It's just so hard to find a good guy (or any guy at all!)...and I'm not good at meeting new people. But I'm really good at being single and on my own, and I'm proud of myself for being independent. So if the right guy comes along, I'll be absolutely thrilled. But I'm not getting my hopes up!

I was 31 when I met my partner. Before that I was getting impatient with life..so I bought my own home....was getting nicely into setting up my very own home...when several months later..he appeared in life.

And even after meeting my partner, I continued to live in and own my place --but he and I made many visits/stays between his and my place...by bike rides across the city. I suppose the tendency is that 2 people shortly move in to live together but we chose not to do that. And it was in hindsight good..and less stressful on his young teenage children (at that time) whom he had custody/visits arrangements with his ex.

I would like to share something with this forum:

My parents are in a traditional marriage...mother always a full-time housewife. She was picture bride...she never met her future husband for real until she stepped off the plane in Toronto direct from mainland China, to marry my father. She and Dad exchanged photos and wrote letters for a few months. Then just a year after marriage, they had their lst kid, me.

In such relationship, the woman is nearly at the mercy of her husband and often must defer to her hubby..unless she has the resources to leave.

Though the marriage isn't 100% perfect, for certain i know my mother knows she is incredibly lucky to marry a man who never abused her, is hardworking, patient ..and willingly shares household duties and cooking with her,......which is more rare in their generation during their aging years. Through their marriage, I am highly accustomed to a strong marriage as ongoing communication, trust and being united in values, how one runs their lifestyle, finances, etc.

Communication, trust and intimacy is top in our relationship. You have to be each other's sexual , but best friends for life, to make it work and to help one another grow like trees entwined in branches together, but deeply rooted beside one another and to bend well in winds, if necessary.

[OakLeaf]

to help one another grow like trees entwined in branches together, but deeply rooted beside one another and to bend well in winds, if necessary.

What a beautiful metaphor!

[ASammy1]

I am now 30 and was married at 25 to who I thought was my best guy friend. As the marriage went on, I realized he had a drinking problem and I was becoming codependent (which I didn't realize until later in therapy). In Feb 2007, I had had enough after many, many dangerous and embarassing drinking incidents. I told him I was looking for jobs out of state and he could either join me and work on our relationship/drinking problem or stay back-the choice was his. Two months later I was offered my job here in VA and never looked back. We decided we were going to put our house on the market and he would move to VA when the house sold.

Well.... two weeks after I moved, my best female friend of 15 years moved into my house with my husband sleeping in my marriage bed. I had a gut feeling of what was going on, but neither of them would own up to it. I just couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong, so I hacked into his myspace account (his password was our dog's name-not exactly difficult to figure out!) and saw that they had been sending myspace love messages back and forth for weeks. A month later, she was pregnant. Needless to say, our divorce was finalized 6 months later.

Now here is the good news... 3 months after I moved to VA, I stopped into Walgreens on my way home from the gym. I was in the magazine aisle and I went to reach for a certain travel magazine. A guy who was also looking at magazines reached for the same magazine at the same time-cheesy!!! We laughed and struck up a conversation. He was really nice and I didn't know a soul in the area, so I gave him my business card. He called two days later and we've been inseparable ever since. I soon learned that he had gone through a similar situation about a year before me and that his divorce had just been finalized. Neither one of us had any kids either!

We've now been going strong for over a year and I have to say this is the healthiest and strongest relationship I have ever been in. We are very respectful of each other and while there is no immediate plan for marriage, we both know that we want to be together. We have some very similar interests and also very different interests. We do many things together, but also some apart. During the week, our lives are very hectic, but we always make time for each other on the weekends. We are a team. I have his back and he has mine.

I hope this goes to show that even the absolute worst situations can turn out wonderful. Had I not gone through what I did, I never would have met Zack. I am happier now than I have ever been in my adult life. It's amazing how your life can change with the drop of a hat