Long Pity Party, help!!!

[redrhodie]

You can add a few minutes of excerise into your chores really easily. Park further away, walk to your appointments, take the stairs, do go up and down on your toes when brushing your teeth or doing dishes. Make vacuuming more work by lunging while doing it. Wash your floors with a sponge (not a mop) and squat while doing it. Every little bit counts.

[KnottedYet]

can you make DS responsible for a couple things?

Mine is in charge of dishes and laundry and taking the garbage out.

Sometimes he "forgets", and so it just doesn't get done. I've had to let it go, which can be mighty tough. He gets upset because he doesn't have any clean underwear. "Well, did you do the laundry?" Lightbulb goes on. We have no dishes to eat off of, and I serve him his dinner in a water glass. He thinks that's dumb. "Well, did you do the dishes? Can't eat off dishes if you haven't washed them." Another lightbulb goes off. Dog gets into the garbage and DS has a big mess to clean up when he gets home from school. Darn dog! "Well, did you take the garbage out before you left for school?"

Mind you, it's just him and me in the house, so no-one else is inconvenienced by these teachable moments.

Hopefully, by the time my DS is in college he'll at least know when and how to wash dishes, do laundry, and take the garbage out! Oh, man, then there's teaching him to drive...

Is your DS old enough to go to MIL's and entertain/help her for an hour so you can ride your bike a bit?

I think you're right in wanting some hired help for MIL, even if it's only an hour or two a day so you can have some time for your things.

[DDH]

Oh I made that sound like I am with her 24/7, I'm not. She is home alone much of the time, it's just the constant interuptions of my day with appt's and grocery shopping for her and lawn mowing and such. She needs her house cleaned because she is not taking care of it anymore like it needs anyway, and it's a mess, but I told DH I refuse, because if I do it just one time, then it will be expected of me from then on. We have enabled her to not have to hire anyone because of us doing it all and it's just expected now, and once that starts it's hard, very hard to get out of.

And to answer your question, yes, ds is old enough. He is 13 and needs to take some responsiblities here to help me. I have enabled him to be lazy too. I am in such bad habits of doing everything for everyone and I need to stop it. Bad habits are hard to break and where do you begin.

[Brandi]

Oh I made that sound like I am with her 24/7, I'm not. She is home alone much of the time, it's just the constant interuptions of my day with appt's and grocery shopping for her and lawn mowing and such. She needs her house cleaned because she is not taking care of it anymore like it needs anyway, and it's a mess, but I told DH I refuse, because if I do it just one time, then it will be expected of me from then on. We have enabled her to not have to hire anyone because of us doing it all and it's just expected now, and once that starts it's hard, very hard to get out of.

And to answer your question, yes, ds is old enough. He is 13 and needs to take some responsiblities here to help me. I have enabled him to be lazy too. I am in such bad habits of doing everything for everyone and I need to stop it. Bad habits are hard to break and where do you begin.

Baby steps! Start with one thing and work your way up. I have a friend who has three kids. Ages 4,7 and 11 and she always cleans thier rooms. I don't understand why she doesn't make them do it? She says they won't do it right. Well I think then she should do it with them and show them what to do then let them try. What kind of adults will they be if they don't know how to clean their rooms?

[DDH]

See that is why I do everything because of my being particular on how it is done. Rather that go back and have to re-do it, I just do it the first time myself to avoid the headache or to make anyone feel bad about the way they did something.
I do make him clean his room but he never does it to my specifications and I have shown him, but I have learned to just grit my teeth and not say anything. We are not doing our children any favors by doing everything for them, and I am one of the worst. He has no chores other than cleaning his room, or once in a while, gathering up the trash.
Same thing with my MIL, she decided to quit doing anything for herself and thinks she can do nothing anymore and complains about life and has a terrible attitude, she is a sweet lady, but very hard to be around. EX: Her older sister died Thursday and her remark was "well I'm going to be next I just can't make it anymore. I dont' understand why I have to stay here".
It just became easier and quicker to do her gorcery shopping rather than taking her along and making her do it. It takes her 2 hours to go through the store and then she questions everything she buys and once when we went together, she was suppose to be getting hers while I got mine, and she had me paged because she couldn't find something and then couldn't find me. ARRGGGG Needless to say, I ended up doing both.
It's a vicious circle I tell you. Are women just natural enablers because we are the caretakers? Or is it a learned behavior and a bad habit!! LOL

[KnottedYet]

And to answer your question, yes, ds is old enough. He is 13 and needs to take some responsiblities here to help me. I have enabled him to be lazy too. I am in such bad habits of doing everything for everyone and I need to stop it. Bad habits are hard to break and where do you begin.

With my DS, I started with one thing and made him completely responsible for it. (emptying the dishwasher) I worked with him on it, reminding him, showing him all the *hightly* complex ins-and-outs of putting dishes on shelves and sorting silverware . Once he had a good grasp on it, I stopped reminding him. And I didn't go along behind him fixing things. ("Yo, dude, get over here and put the cups on the shelf, not stacked on top of the plates!")

Gradually I've added more things (learning to load the dishwasher, another highly complex task... sigh, running the dishwasher; folding the clean laundry, running the dryer, running the washing machine, sorting clothes into darks and lights; taking out the garbage. Now we're working on remembering to put a new bag into the garbage can after taking the old bag out. Sheesh, the cogitation it takes to remember that detail is HUGE when you are a teenager!)

[Brandi]

I think at certain times in our life it is just like how you described. Just do your best to try and make time but don't beat yourself up to much. With all the running around your doing at least you are doing stuff. If you were just sitting there that would be another story!
Do you have a Dial A Ride service your MIL can use for some of her appointments. We have one here in our town. They pick you up and drop you off then you tell them when to come back and pick you up. Just a thought.

[Velobambina]

Let me preface this by saying my life is relatively unencumbered compared with yours, as I don't have kids. I do, however, have a fairly demanding FT job ("career" -- scoff, LOL), a husband, a house, and three demanding canine "children," including a puppy. All the responsibilities of adulthood.

I manage to ride every day but it means giving up other things. You have to make it part of your daily routine, like brushing your teeth. It sounds trite, but it works. Even if you can promise you'll do it five days a week or even four and schedule things around there. Say, "sorry but I am busy at that time."

About your MIL, I can understand your situation. Not sure what help she requires but there might be resources out there to get some of the pressure off of you. Can you see if there are social services that can help out ? It sounds like you are taking on a lot at the cost of your health.

[Flybye]

I am going to be brutally honest with you here - you need a break.

You can't shoulder all of this on your own.

Losing weight and riding requires that YOU make YOU a priority, even to the point that some might see as selfish. I personally think that it ISN'T selfishness, but that we, as women, shoulder so much for everyone else because we have caring hearts and a desire to help. I think we are made that way. What I see as happening, though, is that resentment comes when we are overworked, overtired, over-ran, and lack time to do things that are for us. Only us.

I personally think that we do it to ourselves. We need to know that it is okay to ask for help, to delegate chores to others, to tell our wonderful husbands that we have too much on our plates and ask for their help, and to pay for help when we need to. I also think that sometimes we need to lower the bar on the standards we set for housecleaning. I don't know if that is an issue for you personally, but I have really learned that spotlessness isn't good for my sanity.

Here's what counselors say to do:

Write a list of all of your responsibilities. On the left hand column of a paper, write down all of the things that ONLY YOU can do. This includes time for exercise and making healthy meals. And sleeping!

On the right hand column put any other tasks. Cross out those that really aren't too crucial and see who can help with the rest. Include your son and husband.

I hope that you get some rest and find some time to have some joy and time for yourself. Please don't feel bad about sharing. So many of us have experiences that are so similar and I am sure you will get a treasure of advice.

HUGS!!

[Flybye]

PS - Here is what Flybye kids are responsible for: (ages 7,10,11)

Unloading dishwasher
Folding laundry
Keeping bedrooms clean - including vacuuming and dusting
feeding pets
cleaning their shared bathroom once a week
putting their laundry away
making sure their laundry gets to the laundry room if it's dirty
helping with dishes after dinner
scooping poop
mowing the front lawn in the summer
dusting

These things come after homework and before TV or computer time!

I also have them help with mopping and deep cleaning about once a month. My husband is a great help, too.

We are pretty flexible during the school year - kind of help as needed, but in the summer, it's charted out and expected.

[mimitabby]

You know, instead of just feeling sorry for yourself you have to make an announcement to your whole family:

from 3-5 pm m-f I AM NOT AVAILABLE.
I will no longer do x, y and z
(my sons were in charge of their own laundry from age 8 upwards)
(since i got tired of hearing about how kids tossed their lunches at school, ours started making their own the night before from the age of 6 on up)
These things aren't really big time savers but it teaches them to take care of themselves.

You have to let go of that stuff. and you need to take care and assert yourself.

You are way wrong when you say it is women... who are letting themselves be walked all over by being caretakers and enablers. Men do it too. HOWEVER, it doesn't mean YOU have to keep doing it.

Don't wait until you are in the hospital awaiting a triple bypass. It's YOUR life, what do you want it to be like?

STAND UP for YOU. if you don't do this, your children will treat their future wives the same way... YOU have to teach by example.

[Trek420]

if you don't do this, your children will treat their future wives the same way...

Good point. Do it for you but also you're training a future husband Your DIL will thank you.

You can add a few minutes of excerise into your chores really easily. Park further away, walk to your appointments, take the stairs, do go up and down on your toes when brushing your teeth or doing dishes. Make vacuuming more work by lunging while doing it. Wash your floors with a sponge (not a mop) and squat while doing it. Every little bit counts.

+1 on this too. Nothing replaces quality time for YOU. You have a job after all, it's equally important, valuable and as essential to your family as what your DH does. But you can add a workout to everything you do in addition to quality time on the bike or other aerobic work.

I have a sedentary job but there is a workout routine I do at my desk, stretches and strengthening stuff. Take your MIL to an appt, while she is there WALK - either just walk around or walk to another errand nearby. +1 on stairs, elevators, escalators don't exist in my own little world, get a push mower not gas or electric (saves you $$ too, then maybe DH does not have to work so hard and can help) and obviously since we are TE after all - are there errands you can ride too?

[ehirsch83]

Another big help might be a dry erase board.

My little sister and brothers have one(ages 9,15,16). Their chores for each day are listed and when they do it, a check mark goes on the board. They only get an allowance if they complete their chores. The older one does extra chores(cleans the pool, totally uncluttered the garage, mows,etc.) to pay for his car insurance. There chores range from feeding the dogs and cat, scooping poop, doing dishes/setting table, taking out garbage/recyling,etc.


I don't know if you give an allowance, maybe you don't- but it can make a great incentive to do the chores, and to do them to your specifications