Dear So and So

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

Lisa, that sounds just like something I could have written about my eldest brother, but my mom is still alive. Remember your anger and resentment just damages you, not him. You could do like I did. I wrote all my diatribes and rants and accusations and vents out on a blog...Every once in a while, when I am guilted by my mom or somehow drawn back into his world, I go out and reread and post, and remind myself why I am severing all possible ties.

Thanks again every one of you. I was able to vent to my wonderful DH and also discussed it with a good girlfriend this morning on our walk. That felt good. I've decided that as a therapeutic medicine I am going to make an actual One-way ticket to Palukaville. I am a graphic illustrator so this will be a fun little project and a way to work through my feelings. I would love to actually mail it to him in an envelope with no note, ....but that would be pretty immature, so I'll just keep it as a symbolic statement.
I've always thought that creating something physical from a painful experience is a good thing, whether it's a drawing, poem, planting a flower or tree, a blog, voodoo doll, or whatever.
Mary- you are right about the stepping on eggshells business. That's the exact description my mother used to give me about her relationship with this brother of mine. He has some major issues and though he took some anger management sessions once years ago, he never got the real one-on-one type of longterm therapy he needs so badly. He won't admit he has a problem, blames everyone else for everything, and I've finally had enough of it.
It's a sad thing to give up on the idea of having him as a true brother, but it's been going on long enough and I want to move forward in a positive way now, and leave him and his creepy anger issues behind me. The bad vibes will always be there when I think of him, but I will try to keep myself positive about my part in it all. I am working on not being angry and resentful, as I do know that all that does is make me feel bad, and I shouldn't feel bad because I haven't done anything bad! (what a concept, huh?)
It's good to know I'm not alone in dealing with such things.

[solobiker]

Lisa I am happy for you. I have a sister who is so very rude, condesending, overpowering, etc. Thankfully I live about 1700 miles away from her. When I called to wish her a happy birhtday all she did was complain about how busy she is and how frustrated she is with her children and that she hs LOTS of paperwork. First of all she does not work, second of all she should be happy she has children as I can not have any. Also she always says to me"must be nice to go biking and hiking, I have to ...." insert what ever she thinks she needs to do. I guess a few weeks ago there was a big wind storm near her and my parents house so she had to help do a little clean up, it actually was probably her husband that did the work and her bossing him around. She always tries to make me feel guilty. When I was back visiting them she introduced me to one of her friends and her friend said " I didn't know you had a sister". Same thing happed when I visited my "snow bird" parents in Florida. The introduced me to some of their friends and they said " we thought you only had 1 daughter and a son" My moms response to that was "this is our best kept secret" Best kept secret my Butt...... So Lisa, I hope I can find the strenght that you have..

[Geonz]

Velobambina... oh, I am *hoping* you can extricate yourself from the toxic work situation... use that good radar to guide what you say and do.

Dear person,
C'mon. I think it's time for the next step. I know there's years between us but that's no excuse. The Christmas present is nifty and ya gave it to me in front of everybody ... you *know* how I feel about you... think it's time to heal and move forward? C'mon, you don't even have to explain at least that one chunk of baggage 'cause I was there for it. C'mon, you can do it...

[Duck on Wheels]

We have a lovely train station here

http://images.google.no/imgres?imgur...3D10%26hl%3Dno

as well, but please don't give that particular brother a ticket to visit us. Palukaville is what he deserves. H€ll is too good for him, especially now in ski season.

[Trek420]

Lisa S. H., All this just makes me appreciate my siblings even more. I'm lucky to have picked them and not just saying that because Duck on Wheels is my sister.

[sundial]

Dear parents of lazy adult children,

Once again on this cold, blustery day in January you are struggling to pull the trash cans down to the curb while your adult son is inside enjoying t.v.

Your sons have lived at home since after high school. They have good jobs. They continue to live at home but do not contribute other than take up your driveway with a $40,000 quad cab 4 WD pickup.

They live with the comforts and conveniences you provide yet won't do squat to help. They remain in your home up to the day they marry. When it doesn't work out, they're back with yet another $40,000 quad cab 4 WD pickup. If they get better paying jobs, they get better trucks and stereos.

Do yourself a favor and rent a U Haul and load their stuff. Then hand them a map of their new accommodations and let them handle the U Haul rental fee, rent, utilities, laundry, entertainment, and other essentials. Can't handle them getting behind on their bills? Tough! Don't enable them any more. Do us all a favor and let them enter the higher tax bracket by finding a better job. If they can't find one in this town, let them move to another town that has better jobs. Let them figure it out because, of all things, I'm sick of paying disability for people who are too lazy to hold down a regular job but want my tax dollars to support their desire to hunt and fish.

Sincerely,
Fed Up With Moochin' Men

[lph]

Dear bike shop owner,

I know you have the coolest bike shop in town, where all the "real" roadies go to gawp at the latest stuff. I know winter commuters coming in to look at waterproof jackets are probably not your favourite customer. But I do not take kindly to you:

- interrupting me as I try to tell you what kind of jacket I'm interested in and what I intend to use it for, to try and sell me a skintight, extremely expensive white translucent racing jacket
- losing all interest when you finally realize I don't want it, and going to chat with my bike buddy instead who is a real roadie and thus ineffably more worthy

Not to mention how, when I try on another jacket:
- when I tell you it's too tight over the shoulders, you loudly and arrogantly DON'T BELIEVE ME, and have to come around and check for yourself?? Hellooo - I'm the one INSIDE it, I should know!
- when I'm not happy about the fit because it's too baggy and bunches up in front, you tell me "nah, it's not too baggy. You're not losing any races because of that!".
- getting into an involved discussion with bike buddy (yes, I'm POed at you too) as to how I really should buy this jacket, and settling a price with him (?!?) when I've made it quite obvious I don't want either one.

If it wasn't for your very kind, helpful and friendly co-owner, who's usually in the shop instead, I swear I'd never buy so much as a spare tube from you again.

[Brandy]

Dear self,

Get off the internet and go back to bed for an hour. You'll appreciate it later in the day. I promise.

Love,
me

[sundial]

Dear compounding pharmacy,

I had a Rx for something you compound frequently and provide gallons of it for the university athletes. So why were you too lazy to make mine in the remaining 15 minutes of work? You saw me and ducked behind the counter when I walked in and had one of your techs tell me to come back tomorrow. I mentioned I was from out of town and you didn't get it. It was my first and last visit to your sorry drug store.

Thanks to your 'tude, I'll not recommend anyone go to your drug store.

Oh, and I noticed you were moving out of the really nice location. Maybe it's because you lost too many customers to keep those expensive doors open?

Stick a suppository up yours and have a nice day!

[indysteel]

Dear A-hole brother of mine,
Last time you started screaming and cursing me and hanging up the phone on me a few years ago, our mother was alive and well, and when she got sick and slowly deteriorated, you and I still needed to occasionally communicate in order to discuss necessary things concerning her and family matters. We somehow maintained a strained phony friendly facade with each other. It wasn't easy, believe me.

However, now that she is resting in peace I no longer have any need to put up with your control-freak toxic anger and a-hole-isms. Thus, when despite my quiet plea to continue to talk things out on the phone this evening so that we could each express our thoughts in turn and somehow reach an understanding and a compromise regarding the latest fiasco, you flew into another inappropriate rage and cursed and yelled and hung up on me again.
I am blessed to have my sweet DH to comfort me after your insane outburst.

Well.... I simply don't NEED someone like you in my life anymore, regardless of being related to you. Go yell at yourself from now on. It's no coincidence that your older son has refused to see you or speak to you for the past 2 years. He had enough of your b*llsh*t too.
I'll stick with my other brother- who is a kind and loving human being (as are most of the other people in my life), thank you very much. And for you.... here's a free one way ticket to Palukaville. Bon voyage.

Lisa, as I indicated in a prior post from last week, I don't have a relationship with my toxic sister. It'll be five years in August since I chose to walk away. It was both the hardest and best decision of my life. She was sucking the life blood out of me. After years of trying to make it work, I finally admitted that it couldn't, at least not under terms that I could live with. I sought therapy when I made that decision--the other best decision of my life. I miss the idea of a loving, functioning sister but I don't miss her. Being freed from that relationship has allowed me to move forward in my own life.

I hope you also find peace in your decision.

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

Lisa, as I indicated in a prior post from last week, I don't have a relationship with my toxic sister. It'll be five years in August since I chose to walk away. It was both the hardest and best decision of my life. She was sucking the life blood out of me. After years of trying to make it work, I finally admitted that it couldn't, at least not under terms that I could live with. I sought therapy when I made that decision--the other best decision of my life. I miss the idea of a loving, functioning sister but I don't miss her. Being freed from that relationship has allowed me to move forward in my own life.

I hope you also find peace in your decision.

Indysteel,
Thank you for the encouraging words. I have found peace with it. I have thought about doing this a few times already over the years, but never acted on it. And eventually the long cycle would repeat itself.
This time, I waited 3 days after his angry phone outburst- talked things over with my wise and loving DH and waited 3 days to think carefully, cry, and think again before I responded to bully brother. Then I composed a calm email simply and clearly explaining why he would no longer be in my life, and that I wished not to be contacted by him at all anymore. The message was strong and clear. It was definitely time. I sent it off yesterday morning.

Immediately after hitting the "send" button, I felt strangely calm and peaceful. It felt right. I fully expect he will blame me (since he is never to blame) and thus I really don't expect to hear from him at all anymore. He knows that any attempted contact from him will be refused in any case.

I feel good that I made this decision and acted on it. It's really the healthiest thing both for me AND for him. Perhaps it will in a small way encourage him to finally seek help sooner rather than later.
I think you and I both realize that yes we do so fervently cling to the idea of having a loving sibling...it is such an irresistible idea...but these people simply would never be able to be that, no matter what we do or don't do to try to make that happen. Though a certain amount of change is possible when someone wants to change, we must give up the unrealistic and perhaps selfish fantasy of them becoming what we want them to be. If they are causing us nothing but unhappiness year after year, it eventually becomes time to put the relationship out of its misery.

...And who is to stop either you or I from someday symbolically "adopting" a new brother or sister from amongst our most cherished friends? I've never had a sister and the idea of this is very appealing in a lovely childlike sort of way.
I will keep my antennae out as I continue my journey through life.

[Velobambina]

Dear Guardian Angel--Thank you for whispering in my boss's ear and in her heart, convincing her to support my decision to return to my home office. Please let upper mgt in my home office be as kind and supportive, giving me an interesting, challenging assignment & not being vindictive about my recent career decisions.

Thank you, too, for a wonderful, caring mentor who listens without judging and is willing to help me reach my goals/keep my self-esteem intact.

Dear Earth--Please make it turn spring-like soon. I'm still hoping that an early Lent means an early spring this year. No more accumulating snow or ice, please.

[indysteel]

Indysteel,
...And who is to stop either you or I from someday symbolically "adopting" a new brother or sister from amongst our most cherished friends? I've never had a sister and the idea of this is very appealing in a lovely childlike sort of way.

My best friend Angela--the one that's having the lowkey wedding incidentally--is a sister to me. In fact, we jokingly call one another Sister Child. She may not be blood but she's part of my heart.

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

Dear Guardian Angel--Thank you for whispering in my boss's ear and in her heart, convincing her to support my decision to return to my home office. Please let upper mgt in my home office be as kind and supportive, giving me an interesting, challenging assignment & not being vindictive about my recent career decisions.

Thank you, too, for a wonderful, caring mentor who listens without judging and is willing to help me reach my goals/keep my self-esteem intact.

Velo- I'm glad you stood up for yourself, made things happen, and steered your work situation in a healthier direction. That is sometimes so hard to do.
I hope it really works out well for you. And it sounds like you have a couple of positive and supportive people on your team, that certainly helps.

[sundial]

Indy and Lisa, you both are very courageous and I am sending you a big cyber hug.